tears

Could use the release of crying tonight.

I envy people for whom tears come easily. People who can go off by themselves and simply cry. I could use that tonight.

I'm tired, and struggling, and don't want to repeat last night's lack of sleep... but I'm not having a lot of luck releasing the emotions and processing tonight...

here's to hoping for a deep sleep, and for release to come...

lacking words

I'm spent. That's a good word - spent - for how I'm feeling. Empty, done, drained, exhausted. I've given what I have, and today I'm spent.

There are so many things buried in my heart and mind that I quite desperately need to process. And there are just no words.

Words are my window on the world - my way of engaging, my gift, my passion, my means of expressing my identity, my way of sharing love - and I have none.

What do you do when you so desperately need words, and they've run dry?

Certain friends are still pulling them from me - but they all live far away.

Most of the blog posts I've put up in the last while have felt like incomplete thoughts - maybe I'm the only who's noticed, but that's what they've felt like. Because I just can't find the words for this space in my life. Because things are swirling and I desperately need to slow them down and process them, but there are no words.

Escapism is looking good right now. Losing myself in a cheesy novel, or television show. Completely shutting off my brain. If I could only figure out how to shut out my soul in those moments as well - because it's my soul that is weighing heavy these days.

Are my words worth anything when they paint incomplete pictures - half-thoughts? They have to be, for I have no other way to spill at least some of the excess...

until later...

Encouraging

I know it's only 9:30 am, but I am having a difficult day. That could be because of some stuff I carried into the night with me last night - ultimately meaning I probably only slept for two or three of the six or so hours I lay there with my lights out. I say probably because much of that night was spent in the inbetween place of waking and dreaming - flashes of images, people, ideas.

I forced myself out of bed, feeling exhausted, and ill. My muscles tense, my head aching, my stomach rebelling yet again against my very existence. Tears are burning behind my eyes. Tears of frustration and exhaustion and confusion and fear. I sent a quick note to a friend I'd been talking with last night - to tell her that I'd slept poorly, that I was hoping for the grace and strength to make it through the day.

I headed out into the cold morning. It's that time of year when it's beginning to be dark when I leave home in the morning, and it's dark once again by the time I return in the evening. Jason Upton's "Trusting the Angels" album playing on my ipod, and I'm clinging to the song "Not Alone" - desperately needing to hear it's truth.

Got to work and found a response from the friend I'd sent the note to. Tears in my eyes again. I needed to hear the words she said this morning. They eased the aching loneliness of my heart just a little. I wrote back thanking her, and telling her that I'd just been thinking that I could use a hug, but was certain that if someone actually gave me one I'd shatter into a million pieces.

Made tea and Caught up on my blog reading. Faye has a new post up. A beautifully written piece. Her writing reminds me of Anne Lamott sometimes - rambling and deep. She mentioned me briefly - a moment we had together on the weekend. And it encouraged my heart again.

Thanks, Jesus, for friends who love me. Thanks for words spoken and prayed over the lives of others. Thanks for going with me. Thanks for passion tea, and that Wednesday (however miserable) means there are only a few days left before the weekend.