I recently put the song "Dark Night of the Soul" by Steve Bell (adapted from the poem of the same title by St. John of the Cross) on a playlist I created for a dear friend. Every song on the list had deep significance to my journey of late except that one. Song lyrics speak to me, often give words that I just don't have for the deep places of my heart, and I'm committed to sharing those deep places with this friend. So, every once in a while I stick some songs on a cd, and send them to her, with a list of their titles, and a few words of commentary on why that song.
I couldn't figure out why I put "Dark Night of the Soul" on the latest disc. Not sure I know exactly even now. I pressed the skip button at least twice today, as I was listening to that playlist on my ipod at work.
But just now, as I spent some time alone, silent, still, and ultimately on my face, I could not get bits of the song out of my head. I entered into a deep quiet, where my thoughts mostly ceased, but the melody kept playing...
I understood, just a little, when I finally emerged and looked up the lyrics. Three bits in particular caught me, and are catching me...
I went out by myself
Seen by no one else
A somewhat reckless journey from the start
Pressing through the night
Without light or guide
Save the fire that consumed my heart
I bless the starless night
A night by far more lovely than the dawn
Oh happy chance
To discover in the barren dark
The one I knew so well
And there with my love I rested
Fanned by a cooling wind
Wounded by love's caresses
Suspending all my senses...
Monday, February 25, 2008
Wardrobe Issues
I’m having wardrobe issues, and financial issues. The financial issues are exacerbating the mild stress I’m feeling over my wardrobe issues.
It would seem that the weight I inadvertently lost while traveling (astounding given the fact that I ate meals consisting primarily of pasta, bread, meat and chocolate), in combination with the bit of weight I lost due to stress and illness before I left to begin traveling, has rendered all of my dress pants basically unwearable. I can wear one pair with a belt, if I wear a long top over it to hide the bunches of fabric. The other main pair doesn’t even have belt loops, and now sits on my hips in approximately the way a pair of low rise jeans would – which would almost be wearable, except that sitting that much lower has now rendered the pants about two inches two long.
I own many skirts, and thankfully, most of those seem to fit. However, those of you who know what winter is like in Alberta will realize that someone who commutes via walking and public transportation is not able to just wear a skirt. That someone will require tights, and possibly boots to wear with the skirt. I presently own one pair of tights, and one pair of boots. Both in brown. Which is fine, but only matches half of my clothing. So, despite the fact that I have only about $100 to my name (and all but $100 of the paycheque I receive this week will go to bills – travel is wonderful isn’t it??), I am going to be forced to spend $10-15 on a pair of black tights (in order to expand my work wardrobe options), with the logic that it is better to spend $10-15 on tights when money is tight, than $40-60 on a new pair of dress pants.
Ah, well… I suppose clothes being too big is a problem most women would jump at having… I’m certainly not upset about the weight loss, just the financial difficulties of the inability to wear certain key pieces of my wardrobe!
It would seem that the weight I inadvertently lost while traveling (astounding given the fact that I ate meals consisting primarily of pasta, bread, meat and chocolate), in combination with the bit of weight I lost due to stress and illness before I left to begin traveling, has rendered all of my dress pants basically unwearable. I can wear one pair with a belt, if I wear a long top over it to hide the bunches of fabric. The other main pair doesn’t even have belt loops, and now sits on my hips in approximately the way a pair of low rise jeans would – which would almost be wearable, except that sitting that much lower has now rendered the pants about two inches two long.
I own many skirts, and thankfully, most of those seem to fit. However, those of you who know what winter is like in Alberta will realize that someone who commutes via walking and public transportation is not able to just wear a skirt. That someone will require tights, and possibly boots to wear with the skirt. I presently own one pair of tights, and one pair of boots. Both in brown. Which is fine, but only matches half of my clothing. So, despite the fact that I have only about $100 to my name (and all but $100 of the paycheque I receive this week will go to bills – travel is wonderful isn’t it??), I am going to be forced to spend $10-15 on a pair of black tights (in order to expand my work wardrobe options), with the logic that it is better to spend $10-15 on tights when money is tight, than $40-60 on a new pair of dress pants.
Ah, well… I suppose clothes being too big is a problem most women would jump at having… I’m certainly not upset about the weight loss, just the financial difficulties of the inability to wear certain key pieces of my wardrobe!
Good thoughts from Henri Nouwen
Some good emails that arrived in my inbox over the weekend from the Henri Nouwen society...
What Is Most Personal Is Most Universal
We like to make a distinction between our private and public lives and say, "Whatever I do in my private life is nobody else's business." But anyone trying to live a spiritual life will soon discover that the most personal is the most universal, the most hidden is the most public, and the most solitary is the most communal. What we live in the most intimate places of our beings is not just for us but for all people. That is why our inner lives are lives for others. That is why our solitude is a gift to our community, and that is why our most secret thoughts affect our common life.
Jesus says, "No one lights a lamp to put it under a tub; they put it on the lamp-stand where it shines for everyone in the house" (Matthew 5:14-15). The most inner light is a light for the world. Let's not have "double lives"; let us allow what we live in private to be known in public.
Bringing Our Secrets into the Light
We all have our secrets: thoughts, memories, feelings that we keep to ourselves. Often we think, "If people knew what I feel or think, they would not love me." These carefully kept secrets can do us much harm. They can make us feel guilty or ashamed and may lead us to self-rejection, depression, and even suicidal thoughts and actions.
One of the most important things we can do with our secrets is to share them in a safe place, with people we trust. When we have a good way to bring our secrets into the light and can look at them with others, we will quickly discover that we are not alone with our secrets and that our trusting friends will love us more deeply and more intimately than before. Bringing our secrets into the light creates community and inner healing. As a result of sharing secrets, not only will others love us better but we will love ourselves more fully.
Hidden Greatness
There is much emphasis on notoriety and fame in our society. Our newspapers and television keep giving us the message: What counts is to be known, praised, and admired, whether you are a writer, an actor, a musician, or a politician.
Still, real greatness is often hidden, humble, simple, and unobtrusive. It is not easy to trust ourselves and our actions without public affirmation. We must have strong self-confidence combined with deep humility. Some of the greatest works of art and the most important works of peace were created by people who had no need for the limelight. They knew that what they were doing was their call, and they did it with great patience, perseverance, and love.
What Is Most Personal Is Most Universal
We like to make a distinction between our private and public lives and say, "Whatever I do in my private life is nobody else's business." But anyone trying to live a spiritual life will soon discover that the most personal is the most universal, the most hidden is the most public, and the most solitary is the most communal. What we live in the most intimate places of our beings is not just for us but for all people. That is why our inner lives are lives for others. That is why our solitude is a gift to our community, and that is why our most secret thoughts affect our common life.
Jesus says, "No one lights a lamp to put it under a tub; they put it on the lamp-stand where it shines for everyone in the house" (Matthew 5:14-15). The most inner light is a light for the world. Let's not have "double lives"; let us allow what we live in private to be known in public.
Bringing Our Secrets into the Light
We all have our secrets: thoughts, memories, feelings that we keep to ourselves. Often we think, "If people knew what I feel or think, they would not love me." These carefully kept secrets can do us much harm. They can make us feel guilty or ashamed and may lead us to self-rejection, depression, and even suicidal thoughts and actions.
One of the most important things we can do with our secrets is to share them in a safe place, with people we trust. When we have a good way to bring our secrets into the light and can look at them with others, we will quickly discover that we are not alone with our secrets and that our trusting friends will love us more deeply and more intimately than before. Bringing our secrets into the light creates community and inner healing. As a result of sharing secrets, not only will others love us better but we will love ourselves more fully.
Hidden Greatness
There is much emphasis on notoriety and fame in our society. Our newspapers and television keep giving us the message: What counts is to be known, praised, and admired, whether you are a writer, an actor, a musician, or a politician.
Still, real greatness is often hidden, humble, simple, and unobtrusive. It is not easy to trust ourselves and our actions without public affirmation. We must have strong self-confidence combined with deep humility. Some of the greatest works of art and the most important works of peace were created by people who had no need for the limelight. They knew that what they were doing was their call, and they did it with great patience, perseverance, and love.
Quick thoughts...
Can I just say that when I set my mind to cooking, I'm very good at it? I had a fantastic dinner last night... Sweet chili beef and peppers and onions, done in a wrap, with lettuce, and tzatziki sauce. (And carrot sticks on the side). So good.
Also, I made significant progress on my list of "things still to do today" from my last post. Over half-way done (which is way more than I expected.)
I got some good time in journalling. I lit candles, and made my bedroom back into a peaceful, prayerful space, instead of a dumping zone for my belongings. I have a list of things that need to get done this week (yes, I'm back to using the list method of organizing my life.) I gracefully extricated myself from a committment I never wanted to be a part of anyway, giving myself one more free night to be at home, resting and writing this week. (The need for rest and quiet has been huge lately, and writing wise, my brand new journal, purchased the day after I returned home, and begun on Valentines Day is nearly a third full. The words have been coming - on paper at least - since coming home.) I burnt incense (a gift from Shelley) for the first time since coming home... I needed to smell it last night. I needed the reminders it carries with it.
And, I think I slept for almost 5.5 hours. Still tons of dreams. There hasn't been a night without the dreams since coming home, but, even though they remained full and intense last night, I don't feel quite as exhausted this morning.
Plus, I had a walk and train ride into work that was full of interesting thoughts for further exploration, all of which I quickly jotted in my journal on the last leg of the train ride.
This could actually be an okay Monday!
Also, I made significant progress on my list of "things still to do today" from my last post. Over half-way done (which is way more than I expected.)
I got some good time in journalling. I lit candles, and made my bedroom back into a peaceful, prayerful space, instead of a dumping zone for my belongings. I have a list of things that need to get done this week (yes, I'm back to using the list method of organizing my life.) I gracefully extricated myself from a committment I never wanted to be a part of anyway, giving myself one more free night to be at home, resting and writing this week. (The need for rest and quiet has been huge lately, and writing wise, my brand new journal, purchased the day after I returned home, and begun on Valentines Day is nearly a third full. The words have been coming - on paper at least - since coming home.) I burnt incense (a gift from Shelley) for the first time since coming home... I needed to smell it last night. I needed the reminders it carries with it.
And, I think I slept for almost 5.5 hours. Still tons of dreams. There hasn't been a night without the dreams since coming home, but, even though they remained full and intense last night, I don't feel quite as exhausted this morning.
Plus, I had a walk and train ride into work that was full of interesting thoughts for further exploration, all of which I quickly jotted in my journal on the last leg of the train ride.
This could actually be an okay Monday!
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