Reading, Listening, Pondering

Because I can't figure out what else to share with you at the moment, here are a few thoughts from three random categories.

Reading

• I just finished Ann Voskamp's "One Thousand Gifts" and it will be getting a full post all to itself, just as soon as I can figure out how to put words around the way that this one is impacting my heart.
• Currently on the go for reading, I have, "Letters from the Land of Cancer", "Holy Cow", and "Forgotten God" (which I'm reading for a house church study that I'm also providing a good portion of the leadership to)

Listening

• Audio book: Mennonite in a Little Black Dress.  I'm almost finished with this one, and I'll probably be writing another mini-reviews post soon to talk about it and one or two others that I've read recently.
• Kindness - Steve Bell.  I've worked for Steve when he comes to town for about 15 years now, and this is his latest album.  I haven't had a ton of time to listen yet, but a quick perusal of the lyric booklet (I choose all music based on lyrics) tells me that the usual profound quality of Steve's lyrics and those of the others whose work he records is still there.  Early favorites off this album are the title track, the song "Absalom, Absalom," and "In Billy's Wake".
• I think I'm also going to dust off Steve's "Waiting for Aidan" album.  I seem to be the only one at the concerts I work that has this as my favorite of Steve's work, but this is the album I still return to in the moments when I'm struggling.  It was the only Christian album I could stomach during the many years I struggled with depression, and as I find myself again wrestling with some big questions, I feel a yearning to listen again.

Pondering

• Some big life direction questions.  The sort of "Are you really saying what I think you're saying, God" type of questions
• Some smaller but still very painful relational questions
• A day on the weekend where I was struck by a whole number of awarenesses all at once.  That hasn't happened in a while, and I feel a bit caught in the maelstrom of it all.  Not bad, but shocked at the things on the surface of my mind and heart.
• and praying for friends and friends of friends, scattered across bits of the world that are less than stable.  for war torn regions, and those that have been stricken by disaster.

Daily 5 - Day 161

Today's Daily 5:

1. Thankful, actually, to have made it through the day.  It was definitely one of those "push through, hard slogging" kind of days, and I'm really thankful to be at the end of it and in okay (if exhausted) shape.
2. Safe driving home tonight in the fog - I came out from the event I was attending to discover super thick pea soup like fog blanketing the entire city.  I had to drive a friend home in an unfamiliar neighborhood, and was quite grateful for safe driving.  Things like thick fog are really challenging for me as they make it a whole lot harder to compensate for my limited depth perception.
3. A smooth exchange process for the two water bottles I purchased yesterday, both of which turned out to have flaws.  I have one new one, and a refund for the second, since they only had one more in stock.
4. Some interesting thoughts and conversations about my living situation, a potential new living situation, and another potentially financially wise opportunity.
5. Haiti Benefit Concert tonight.  If you're my facebook friend, and live in or near Calgary, you likely heard about this from me.  For me, it was sort of a gift to let Haiti, which has so underlied my thoughts all week, simply be my focus for the evening.  To listen to some stories from a Calgarian team from Compassion Canada that landed only an hour before the quake, and from a Haitian woman living in Calgary.  To let the songs flow over me and lift my prayers.  To let Haiti be at the forefront tonight, instead of the "one more thing" underlying everything else going on in my life.  And Calgary - you showed up!  Way to pack that church out, and way to give.  $115,000 was raised tonight for the work of Samaritan's Purse in Haiti, and those funds will be matched by the Canadian governement!  $230,000 dollars!  That number made my night.  Well, to be honest, it made my night to simply be in a room with people who cared, but I was so impressed at how much the church stepped up.  It gave me such a great deal of hope in the church and humanity that I don't always have, and that has left me deeply impacted tonight.  So thankful, too, for the artists like Steve Bell and Carolyn Arends that flew in, and all the others that donated their time to pull this event off so well on such short notice.  It was a beautiful evening.
   

On Haiti

Tomorrow night I'll be attending a benefit concert for Haiti relief.  If you're in Calgary, and interested in attending, let me know and I'll give you the details. The funds raised go to the work of Samaritans Purse and Compassion

In the meantime, Steve Bell had a great article about Haiti on his blog this morning.

And these two headlines caught my attention:

Plush Golf Club Houses 50,000 Refugees

Floating Hospital Provides Succour for Few

The Path of Peace

This is a photo of the Advent wreath that is sitting on my dresser this year, an altar space of sorts for me.

It took a week longer than usual for the pull of Advent to really grab me this year, for the longing to deeply take hold within me. It wasn't until the last day or two that I really again began to feel the longing for a savior to come.

The first candle, the one in the front, I lit last Sunday for the first time. It's the "hope" candle.

The second candle, the one in the back, I lit tonight. It's the "peace" candle.

I lit both tonight, with music softly playing, and found myself staring at them, slowly contemplating how desperately in need of both hope and peace I've been feeling. How desperately I, and others around me are longing for those things to come.

I struggled to choose music to play as I lit the candles and prayed. I wanted a song about peace, but couldn't choose one that seemed appropriate, so I settled for "The Feast of Seasons" - the Christmas album that Steve Bell put out quite some time ago.

First, "The Magnificat," played:

my soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord
and my spirit exalts in God my saviour
for he has looked with mercy on my lowlinessI ha
and my name will be forever exalted
for the mighty God has done great things for me
and his mercy will reach from age to age
and holy, holy, holy is his name
and holy, holy, holy is his name.
(words and music by John Michael Talbot)

And then this song began to play:

I have not seen the angel Gabriel
standing at the right side of the altar
saying that important line of angels
"do not be afraid"

I have not heard the angel Gabriel
telling me my prayer has been answered
that my heart's desire has been granted
and my wife will bear a son

but I have been answered
and I have been promised
in words that cannot be broken
and the tender mercies of our God
have caused the rising sun
to shine upon us
to guide our feet
into the path of peace

I was not there
when the angel Gabriel
visited the village of Nazareth
home of a young maiden he addressed
as the highly favored one

I did not hear
the angel Gabriel
promise what could not be imagined
answered by a faith without fathom
"let what you have said be done"

but I have been answered
and I have been promised
in words that cannot be broken
and the tender mercies of our God
have caused the rising sun
to shine upon us
to guide our feet
into the path of peace.
(words and music by Jim Croegart)

Those words were both the reminder I needed and the voice of the cry of my heart tonight as I lit candles symbolizing hope and peace and thought of the lack of those things and the deep longing for them to come. I have been answered and promised... and in the tender mercy of God my feet and the feet of all those I love are being guided into the path of peace.

Amen. May it truly be done tonight and in this season.

Daily 5 - Day 72

Today's Daily 5:

1. Getting the time I've been wanting to read a book I purchased earlier this week in a round-about way this morning. I spent three hours standing at a copier in Staples running off a job for work that we couldn't print in house or outsource. Not much to do except make sure the copier was running smoothly, and read. So I did.
2. wearing jeans to work
3. having themes from the week confirmed at the conference I'm attending
4. "Unveiled faces"
5. Listening to "Getting Ready for Glory" and "Subtle Shiver" by Steve Bell in the car this morning

Daily 5 - Day 71

In some ways, I'm trying to choose moments to see differently (more joyfully) from all different parts of my day. It would usually be easy (depending a little on the evening) to choose 5 moments from the time after I leave the office each day. Those are usually the best moments of my day. But in this continual push to change ingrained mindsets and patterns of thought, I am trying to find moments to be thankful for even amidst the things I struggle with. I think that makes my daily 5 lists a bit schizophrenic in nature at moments, scattered, even, but it's rather important to me that I find ways to work on seeing differently, and that means the hard stuff, not just the pretty moments.

Today's Daily 5:

1. Feeling, if not at rest, at least relatively calm amidst a huge number of major issues at work today
2. Feeling like I was pretty as I dressed for and went to the concert I worked at/attended tonight
3. Wearing dove earrings
4. Steve Bell in concert - always worth it (plus, fun to catch up with some friends I don't see often, laugh a little, and even collect a few hugs)
   
5. being respected by a friend, who called to ask my permission to share bits of my story in the midst of a challenging situation, and to refer the person to whom he was speaking to me if they wanted further details.
   

Not Really Looking Up

I'm supposed to be learning lessons about resting this week. (More thoughts about that some other time.) My facebook status this morning said something to the effect of "Lisa is going to give the resting thing another try today." It's not going particularly well.

The work challenges I mentioned this morning have gotten larger.

We discovered an error in a major document printing (on our part instead of the printing company, making us responsible) this afternoon. So, I spent an hour meeting with the lady responsible for the document, and my boss, to come up with a solution that costs the least and was approved. The solution means I'll be spending a large chunk of tomorrow morning standing in front of a photocopier at Staples.

It's been a day of a thousand little things. I've been in meetings, and solving problems quite unexpectedly for the entire day. And tomorrow isn't looking better. But at least tomorrow I get to wear jeans to do it. Problems are so much more manageable in jeans.

I am, however, thankfully peaceful in the midst of the crazyness today. Or at least relatively calm. That perhaps, is a small step towards being at rest?

I read this article last night on the effects of insomnia on memory. As someone who's had chronic trouble sleeping for the last 15 years, but has seen it become an increasing challenge in the last two years, I had to laugh. Most days I cope relatively well, but in the last two years I've definitely noticed a decline in my ability to recall details and things I used to be able to remember. I write everything down these days, because if I don't I forget important things. As I said, most days I manage quite well. Today has not been one of those days. I just feel cloudy. The funniest part is, I slept relatively well (for me anyway) last night!

So, I'm going to simply choose to be glad that this insane day is nearly over. And I'm going to enjoy that tonight I'm working at a Steve Bell concert, and will get to enjoy lovely stories and music. That, at least, should be restful and worshipful.

Restless

There's a lyric from a Steve Bell song I've always loved that says something to the effect of "I guess I'll just be restless 'til you satisfy me"

Stillness has been kind of an elusive thing for me this last week or so.

I have a need to be moving. To fill time.

Trying not to think. To combat the panic and the loneliness that come sometimes late at night, or in the early hours of the morning, after I wake and before I pull myself out of bed.

I've attacked projects with a sort of manic discipline. A need to be doing something combined with a drive to feel different.

I'm back on regular supplements to help me sleep. I'd dropped the strength of the supplements by 2/3, so I was sleeping, but waking often, and not dreaming. A friend of mine recently pointed out that the omnipresent fear in my life was exhibiting itself in this area as well. That the active and intense and spiritual nature of my dream life scared me, and so I was making unhealthy choices - afraid to allow myself to hit a stage of deep sleep. Her words weren't easy to hear. In fact, I set them aside, and just to prove her wrong, immediately went back to taking the higher dosage of the supplement I use for sleep.

She was right.

I've been taking the full strength dosage again for about 12 days now. The first several nights I think my body was so sleep deprived that I just slept. Deeply. For four or five straight hours. Which, if you're me, is kind of a miracle. The last week or so, though, the dreams have started again. Not the fully intense ones that are remembered on waking. These are the ones marked by tossing and turning, by flashes of images, and words, seemingly unconnected. By waking unsettled and shaken and off-kilter, struggling as I head into the day.

Today there is panic. Thinking about decisions I've made. Asking if they are truly right for me.

And this longing for change. This discouragement at waking still struggling so deeply.

Laying here in the dark, talking again with Jesus about the story of the man at the pool of Bethesda, "do you want to be well?"

desperate cries.

Rational self-talk, and attempting to only take the 24 hours that are ahead of me - no obsessing about things 3 weeks away.

I used to take a lot of comfort in that Steve Bell lyric that I opened this post with. "I guess I'll just be restless 'til you satisfy me." It promised a drawing near of Jesus, a satisfaction.

These days it feels like a statement of resignation. The sort that says I believe he'll satisfy because I still believe scripture promises that he is truthful. The sort that offers hope that is cold and distant. And don't get me wrong, I'll take hope in whatever form it comes these days, even the really distant sort. But right now, I'm tired of restless, and I'm longing for quiet, and for Him to come and satisfy me. To quiet the manic racing of my spirit, and bring rest.

Pacing the Cage

Was listening to a Steve Bell cover of this Bruce Cockburn song, and found it rather descriptive of the spot I'm occupying in life just presently...

Sunset is an angel weeping
Holding out a bloody sword
No matter how I squint I cannot
Make out what it's pointing toward
Sometimes you feel like you live too long
Days drip slowly on the page
You catch yourself
Pacing the cage

I've proven who I am so many times
The magnetic strip's worn thin
And each time I was someone else
And every one was taken in
Powers chatter in high places
Stir up eddies in the dust of rage
Set me to pacing the cage

I never knew what you all wanted
So I gave you everything
All that I could pillage
All the spells that I could sing
It's as if the thing were written
In the constitution of the age
Sooner or later you'll wind up
Pacing the cage

Sometimes the best map will not guide you
You can't see what's round the bend
Sometimes the road leads through dark places
Sometimes the darkness is your friend
Today these eyes scan bleached-out land
For the coming of the outbound stage
Pacing the cage
Pacing the cage

I bless the starless night

I recently put the song "Dark Night of the Soul" by Steve Bell (adapted from the poem of the same title by St. John of the Cross) on a playlist I created for a dear friend. Every song on the list had deep significance to my journey of late except that one. Song lyrics speak to me, often give words that I just don't have for the deep places of my heart, and I'm committed to sharing those deep places with this friend. So, every once in a while I stick some songs on a cd, and send them to her, with a list of their titles, and a few words of commentary on why that song.

I couldn't figure out why I put "Dark Night of the Soul" on the latest disc. Not sure I know exactly even now. I pressed the skip button at least twice today, as I was listening to that playlist on my ipod at work.

But just now, as I spent some time alone, silent, still, and ultimately on my face, I could not get bits of the song out of my head. I entered into a deep quiet, where my thoughts mostly ceased, but the melody kept playing...

I understood, just a little, when I finally emerged and looked up the lyrics. Three bits in particular caught me, and are catching me...

I went out by myself
Seen by no one else
A somewhat reckless journey from the start
Pressing through the night
Without light or guide
Save the fire that consumed my heart

I bless the starless night
A night by far more lovely than the dawn
Oh happy chance
To discover in the barren dark
The one I knew so well

And there with my love I rested
Fanned by a cooling wind
Wounded by love's caresses
Suspending all my senses...

I guess I'll just be restless...

I've been thinking more since I wrote yesterday. I've had a song called "Restless" by Steve Bell floating around my brain for the last couple of days. (If you don't know Steve Bell, he's a fabulous Canadian singer/songwriter from Winnipeg. Part mystic, part theologian, a fantastic story-teller, and master of the art of lament.)

I was chatting with Kari and Steve for a few minutes about that last bit - the lament bit - at the conference my company hosted last weekend. I'd met Steve a number of times in the past, and when we started looking for suitable entertainment for 300 Mennonites, he came to mind. It went great. But, as I was saying, since we were chatting about lament, I wanted to take the opportunity to say thank you to Steve for talking openly about the need for laments in the church, and for writing so many fantastic songs that express lament. His music was some of the only "Christian" music I listened to during all of those years of depression.

I particularly listened to the song I mentioned at the beginning of this post, off of the "Waiting for Aidan" album (my personal favorite, for so many darker emotions that I deeply related to at various points, as well as the offered hope.) Through those years of depression, of wanting to die, but knowing I could never act on that; of begging God to simply release me - from life, from any committment to him, since it had been so painful, I identified with these words that Steve penned. They came back again yesterday morning, as we were driving to church, and again last night as I headed out to see a movie, and yet again off and on all day today. Particularly this line:

I get no rest from the days of my week
I get even less on a Sunday
Sunday's become the antagonists' feast
Like an arrow through me

This is how I felt yesterday, as I headed to church to prepare to celebrate the risen Christ. I wondered where he was, why, on this day of all days, I couldn't seem to summon the hope and joy that the day was supposed to entail. Why I couldn't seem to find direction for my future.

I'll give you the whole lyric now... I can't help longing. So I guess I'll just be restless till He satisfies me.

Restless
(music and lyrics by Steve Bell)

Blest are the departed
The repose for which I long
To descend into the fathomless quiet of God

Wretched are the rest of us
Tossed upon the sea
And I guess I'll just be restless till you satisfy me

I get no rest from the days of my week
I get even less on a Sunday
Sunday's become the antagonists' feast
Like an arrow through me

So I fly to a desolate place
Here am I
Falling on my face
To silence every claim to my soul
Just to see God sitting high on a throne
But I'm not yet free
That's my dis-ease

Scanning the clouds for some sign of your face
Maybe the whole thing is folly
Like waiting for Eden to rise from the lake
But I can't help longing

So I fly to a desolate place
Here am I
Falling on my face
To silence every claim to my soul
Just to see God sitting high on a throne
But I'm not yet free
That's my dis-ease

Blest are the departed
The respose for which I long
To descend into the fathomless quiet of God

Waiting are the rest of us
Tossed upon the sea
And I guess I'll just be restless till you satisfy me
So I guess I'll just be restless till you satisfy me.