Remembering...

Last week saw two ten year anniversaries:

The shooting in Columbine, Colorado, and, a few short days later, a copycat shooting in Taber, Alberta.

Both impacted me greatly at the time, and continue to have an impact today.

I was in high school at the time. My school, like so many others, was on high alert. We had bomb threats called in, and the general dis-ease of having the security of someplace that should be safe challenged.

The boy killed in Taber was a pastor's son. There were so many similarities in his situation to my own. The testimony of his father in the days following his death was hugely impacting. A few years later, in university, I received a memorial bursary set up in the boy's name.

Ten years. I reacted strongly on the tenth anniversary of the Columbine shooting. I was with a friend, and heard the news on the radio, and felt my insides clench, "Is that today?"

There was a certain urgency in that, a memory that came back so strongly.

I read the following two articles in the last few days, and was struck by each.

My Columbine

Taber Shooting "real awakening" for Canadian Schools

Introspection...

I am feeling deeply introspective this morning.

Thinking about things from my growing up years, and feeling the tug of conflicting emotions that go with them.

Someone I know had a comment on facebook this morning about not sleeping, and wondering how long a human being can go with those sorts of overactive brain, seriously interrupted nights of sleep. I thought about commenting but didn't. I have had two or three or more of those a week since I was at least 12. Which is about 14 years now. Maybe more.

I am thinking about fears. About how they can be communicated. And how to be free of them. About the contradiction in knowing that some have been inherited, but that the person from whom I inherited them is these days largely free from them.

I am thinking about food. And hunger. And life. And how, because of some changes I've been making in my life, and some of the things I've been reading that have ironically enough coincided with those changes, I'm more aware than ever about the connections between food and hunger and life. And more aware than ever of the many, many food related metaphors and descriptions from scripture.

And I'm thinking about those I've known with eating disorders, and about my own concerns about the way my body has handled food this last year.

I'm thinking about loneliness. And how it's a fairly common state for me these days. How I miss being physically close to the people I share hearts with. How I'm wondering when and and if God will provide a church family and relationships (the sorts of people I can call for hugs and prayers) nearby. Or if maybe I need to look at relocating?

I'm thinking about the conversations I'm having with myself these days. The ones where I tell myself that even though I don't care about that thing, or I don't want to do something else, I need to, because they are decisions that should ultimately be life-giving.

I'm thinking about motivation. And how lacking that is in some essential areas of my life. And how ridiculous some of the little tricks and bribes I've been using to create motivation feel. And how I'm praying that even though they seem ridiculous, they'll work.

I'm thinking about how everything is connected. Everything is spiritual. And about a friend's comments about time not being nearly as linear as we tend to treat it. How eating toast with honey for breakfast conjures memories, just because of the honey. How I'm still enjoying the salami I purchased on the weekend, but how, every time I eat a slice of it, I'm switching locations, and sitting again in St. Peter's square, leaning against a friend, feeling the spray of a fountain, and knowing the unsettledness of those moments.

So, I'm introspective this morning, and my mind is wandering.

And I'm praying:

• for the brother of a dear friend who is having surgery today
• for my own brother and his girlfriend, currently touring with their choir
• for friends to come alongside, at just the right moments
• for a community to be planted in for a time
• for several marriages that have begun in the last year, and several that will begin in the year to come
• for the upcoming travels of dear friends and family - to Czech, and to Africa, and points in between
• for connections
• for those who are grieving, and a friend who is grieving, as well as being involved in loving on those who are grieving
• for life
• and breath
• and food (physical and spiritual)
• for love
• and joy
• and hope restored and renewed

Henri on Authority...

A few thoughts from Henri Nouwen on authority...

Authority and Obedience

Authority and obedience can never be divided, with some people having all the authority while others only have to obey. This separation causes authoritarian behaviour on the one side and doormat behaviour on the other. It perverts authority as well as obedience. A person with great authority who has nobody to be obedient to is in great spiritual danger. A very obedient person who has no authority over anyone is equally in danger.

Jesus spoke with great authority, but his whole life was complete obedience to his Father, and Jesus, who said to his Father, "Let it be as you, not I, would have it" (Matthew 26:39), has been given all authority in heaven and on earth (see Matthew 28:18). Let us ask ourselves: Do we live our authority in obedience and do we live our obedience with authority?

The Authority of Compassion

Mostly we think of people with great authority as higher up, far away, hard to reach. But spiritual authority comes from compassion and emerges from deep inner solidarity with those who are "subject" to authority. The one who is fully like us, who deeply understands our joys and pains or hopes and desires, and who is willing and able to walk with us, that is the one to whom we gladly give authority and whose "subjects" we are willing to be.

It is the compassionate authority that empowers, encourages, calls forth hidden gifts, and enables great things to happen. True spiritual authorities are located in the point of an upside-down triangle, supporting and holding into the light everyone they offer their leadership to.