Taking Back Ground

It hit me last night that this trip to Mexico is a lot about taking back some ground in my life. And here's the thing - I'm not naturally too much of a warrior personality when it comes to my own life. I will fight to the limits of my ability and strength for a friend or family member who is broken or hurting, but I am not so good at fighting for my own life and soul.

But this trip is about taking back ground. It is about fighting the fear that has kept me from doing so many things over the course of my life. It is about recognizing that I can serve God and even call it missions, and that it doesn't have to look like what my dad calls missions, or what he would necessarily approve of 100%.

God has reminded me over the past couple days of how closely His provision and calling for this trip resembles his provision and calling for a camp that I staffed approximately five years ago, right out of high school. I was terrified to make that trip, too. But God sent the money my way, and the time off work came through. I wasn't even supposed to be allowed to staff that particular camp, because I'd never attended as a camper. But everything came through, and I found myself living at "Malibu" - a gorgeous Young Life camp on the West Coast of Canada, accessible only by boat.

And it was a difficult three weeks. But looking back, I can name one specific moment when I knew that I had been right in obeying God's calling.

I walked into our staff lounge one afternoon to find a co-worker sitting on the floor and crying. I sat and talked with her, and she was going through a really rough time. She had left a pretty rough background to come and work at camp, was in nicotine withdrawal because staff weren't allowed to smoke, and she'd quit cold turkey to come and be a staffer. There was a list of stuff going on. And as I sat and listened to her, this thought kept playing through my head, "you need to tell her your mom's story."

Now, keep in mind I am a conservative pastor's daughter. And this was five years ago, and God just didn't "speak" to me. But I couldn't shake the thought, so I kind of looked at her and said, "I don't really know why, but I think I'm supposed to share my mom's story with you."

So I told her that my mom comes from a very abusive background, that from the age of 2 or 3 on she was sexually abused. That emotional and physical abuse where also common in her home. I told this friend that my mom had gone on a date once in junior high school, and once in high school, and both times experienced date rape. I told her that God was healing my mom, that He was faithful, that He found my mom, and that He brought my dad into her life.

And then I left the room. Our conversation was over. Later that day, my friend came and found me. "I know why you were supposed to tell me that story."

"Oh yeah? why?"

"Because that's my story - the abuse and the rape."

And all I could do was hug her, and later I wept. Because God had ordained something I never expected. And all these years later, I can't name one good reason that I worked at that camp that summer other than that moment. Quite honestly, I was pretty miserable while I was there, fighting a lot of the same fear battles I'm anticipating entering into again this trip. But God intervened that day, and placed me there to encourage this girl. I haven't spoken with her since - never heard from her again after the day we all left the camp to go back to our respective cities. But I have known clearly for five years that I met God and heard His voice that day.

And as I've prayed and worried over this trip to Mexico this week, God keeps reminding me of that last trip. Of the fact that I was reluctant and terrified, but that I chose to obey, and that He spoke because of it.

I know God in a so much deeper way now. Five years of depression and an experience of healing that is undeniable can do that to a girl. I'm still afraid to make this trip, but I feel like God is telling me that it is about taking back ground. That much in the same way He showed up five years ago, He will show up for me again. And I can rest in that knowledge - in the truth of His faithfulness.

A million and one...

This is going to be one of those "deeply profound" posts that masquerades as a random bullet point list of thoughts. No. Really.

Okay, I'm done with the sarcasm now. I just need to make a list. Lists are comforting to me, and I thought that if I promised it would be profound, you'd all read it too! (Ooops...guess I wasn't quite done with the sarcasm...) I feel like I've been running around this week like a chicken with its head cut off - with a million and one things to do and a million and one things on my brain, and in an effort to bring order, I'm putting them in a list.

• I need to phone my aunt. I need to borrow a money belt from her to keep my passport and money for the trip in.
• I need to photocopy my passport, and leave a copy of it with my parents. Our family learned the value of this precaution the hard way a couple years ago when all of my dad's bags were stolen from the trunk of a car within hours of his arriving in West Africa on one of the teaching trips he made. It helped greatly in the replacing of his passport on short notice that we had the a copy of the passport and passport number sitting in a file here.
• I need to email three friends. Dana. Sheri. Kari.
• I need to do laundry.
• I have to work for four hours tonight with my least favorite coworker.
• I need to start packing.
• I need to drive my brother to work at noon.
• I need to stop and spend some God time - praying for the next couple days, and for the trip.
• I need to do a bit of journalling, and possibly send another email setting up a time to sit down and chat about some stuff with a new friend when I get back.
• I need to remember that God is faithful. That I have slept somewhat more restfully these past two nights, and that He will be faithful even if it feels really awful while I'm away.
• I need to tell you that while I'm gone, you can read about our trip on this blog. I probably won't be writing there, but you'll get at least a bit of an idea of what we're up to.