mis-matched

Have you ever had a day when your insides and outsides just didn't quite match?

I'm having one today.

My outsides look good - I know this because I spent quite a bit of time on my appearance this morning, styled my hair, put on makeup, and nice, new clothes - a cute outfit I picked up last night. I received several compliments on how I looked at church this morning.

However, my insides don't match.

Today I'm tired. I'm lonely. I'm fighting with anger. I'm overthinking. I'm resenting things that I shouldn't. I'm working to avoid the internal workings of my soul. I'm quite frankly harboring a bad mood.

I am having a difficult time making a decision that will affect a large portion of the next two years of my life. It's in moments like this that I desperately want to go back to being a child - to having someone else be responsible for these decisions.

I need to do some writing. I've needed to do it since this morning. I'm avoiding it. On days like this I'm big on escapism. I work to avoid delving into the deeper parts of myself. Sometimes I'm afraid of what I'll find.

I'm bribing myself with chocolate to get the writing done. A ferrero rocher if I finish this blog post - the first piece of writing I need to get done. A kit-kat bar (my favorite) if I actually sit and do the other.

I think I'm also going to bake cookies tonight. My grandma's recipe. Chocolate chunk. So good.

Okay... that's it for now... my first piece of chocolate has now been earned!