Persevere - One Word for 2014

My word for this year came later than normal.  I toyed with a few options all afternoon on December 31st, but nothing quite fit.  I headed (begrudgingly, I admit) off to mass to fulfill my New Year's Obligation, sat through mass, and still didn't have a word.  I came back to my parent's place where I've been staying for a week or so break from my own crazy living situation, had some dinner, watched the tail end of a movie with them, and still didn't have a word.

And then I sat down with my laptop and began looking up definitions.  I sat with the emerald green moleskine journal I've set aside for 2014 - the one that tucks into the pocket of the front cover of my day planner for the year - and I listed goals.  I thought about the things in my life that seem overwhelming.  I went upstairs and had a bit of a tearful conversation with my mom.  And then I looked up more definitions.

And somewhere in there, a word emerged.  It came quickly, and as it did, I copied the definitions into the moleskine.  And then three passages of scripture came, too.

My word for 2014 is Persevere.

It's a fitting word, as I wait for the culmination of a number of things in my life over the coming year. It's fitting as I look at some of the things that I'm dreaming and praying about, and it's fitting as I consider some of the things that are currently major stressors in my life, leaving me feeling overwhelmed and maybe a bit adrift.

The definitions from Dictionary.com are as follows:

1. to persist in anything undertaken, maintain a purpose in spite of difficulty, obstacles or discouragement; continue steadfastly
2. to persist in speech, interrogation, argument, etc; insist
3. to bolster, sustain, or uphold

That's about right as I consider the list of goals I jotted down for the year, and as I consider the things left incomplete from 2013.

And then there are these three passages of scripture, which speak to the attitude and persona I'm sensing will be necessary for 2014:

Matthew 15:27-28 (The Message)

She was quick, "You're right, Master, but beggar dogs do get scraps from the master's table."  Jesus gave in. "Oh woman, your faith is something else. What you want is what you get!" Right then her daughter became well.

Luke 18:7-8 (NIV)

And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly.

John 2:3-5 (NIV)

When the wine was gone, Jesus' mother said to him, "They have no more wine." "Woman, why do you involve me?" Jesus replied. "My hour has not yet come." His mother said to the servants, "Do whatever he tells you."

That's my prayer for this year - the strength to persevere - to live joyfully and press forward steadfastly. To persist in the face of what seems overwhelming and impossible - and to do it with the faith that the perseverance will be rewarded.  It's a big challenge - a huge prayer - I'm not actually all that good at the trusting and having faith thing - but it's what my heart feels called to for this year, so I'm going to try for it.  There is grace for when I fall short, and grace for when I push through, and that grace makes this journey worthwhile.

So, here's to 2014, my year of "persevere"!

One Word 2013

My new year started off busy, and it wasn't until today that I really sat down to plan and pray and write and dream about the year ahead.

I was once again surprised by the word that came to me, and yet not at all surprised when I considered the directions my life has been taking, and the things that God has been whispering to my heart.

My word for 2013 is HONOR.

I had to smile as it emerged.  It was a word that had been on my heart for a couple specific things in my life - the need to honor the journey in those areas - but I wasn't expecting it to be the word that would set the stage for the year ahead.

For me, honor carries tones of respect, of discipline, of sacrifice, of commitment.  It carries the pull to conformity in certain areas, and validation and worship in others.  It's a big word.

And yet, I'm looking forward to it.

I feel like honor is a good place for me to base this year.

This is my last year of nursing school.  I feel the pull to honor the ways that my school commitments impact my life, and my schedule.  I feel the need to honor the things Jesus is teaching me in the midst of the process of becoming a nurse.  I feel the need to honor myself by working to excel in this last year of school.

I continue to journey with my body.  I stopped writing about it here because it was a mostly negative journey for much of the last year.  But this year I feel the pull to honor my body by exercising a greater degree of discipline and commitment in what I eat, and how often I exercise.

I feel the pull to honor my mind, too.  Not just in school, but in what I feed it.  I want to honor it by putting limits in place for the amount of television I consume, and spending more time reading and writing.  I want to honor the part of me that is a writer by making a commitment to show up in a few different spaces where I write and to contribute something to those spaces on a regular basis.

And most importantly, I want to continue to honor the journey of faith that Jesus has been taking me on.  I want to honor it by taking the time to read, and pray and write and research as I move into new places of faith.  I want to honor it with deep conversations with soul friends.  I want to honor it with daily time in scripture and devotional readings that open my heart to listen.

I'm a person who excels with goals, and so I still set some for the year, but each year they stem from the word I chose.  This year those goals include things to do with healthy eating, with trying new things (in life, and a couple new recipes a month).  They have to do with instituting discipline in some areas of my life (areas like exercise and finances).  And they have to do with feeding into the relationships that honor who God has made me (like cuddling babies, and investing in time with soul friends).

I'm looking forward to 2013, and seeing what comes from a year of honor.  I expect it to be challenging, and just as much of an adventure as always!

Reflecting on the First Week of Nursing School

It's kind of a weird thing to have a first day of school in an undergraduate program when you're a lot closer to thirty years old than to eighteen.  Fun, but kind of weird.  Thankfully, the program I'm in is one where the majority of students are closer to my age than eighteen.  There are a few who did a year or so of university, and transferred in, the students who are 20-22 years old (and you can tell which ones they are), but most of the students have similar stories to me - we studied something else, worked for a while, and we're entering nursing with a certainty that this is where we're supposed to be.  A certainty that I think can sometimes be hard to have when you're 20.

I had the fun of picking out my first day of school outfit, and the fun of the anticipation of realizing all over again that this dream is finally happening for me.  I went with a pair of jeans, a hoodie, and boots in case you were wondering - deciding that comfort trumped fashion sense for classes that start at 8 am.

And that's another thing.  I have to be at the university campus for 8 am four days a week.  I live at the opposite end of the city from the university, which means I'm back to rolling out of bed at 5:30, and catching the bus at 6:30.  Not the most ideal study schedule for this night owl who truly believes that nothing of consequence should happen before 10:00 am!  (Definitely something I'm going to have to get used to, though, since by 10:00 am, my lectures are two thirds over!)

The expectations were high, and the first day met them.  The morning theory lecturer seemed like she would be a good communicator, and the afternoon, well, the afternoon was pretty cool.  Tuesday afternoons for three hours, we get to learn practical skills.  They're pretty much the only practical skills in the whole semester, so I fully intend to cherish those three hour time blocks.  In the first week, we spent about two-thirds of that block learning about asepsis, and hand-washing.  The last while we learned how to properly remove soiled gloves, and how to assemble a syringe.  We may even get the chance to do some school vaccinations in a few weeks!  (Which, by the way, makes me laugh!  The only human patient I'm liable to see this semester, and my job will be to inflict pain!  Too funny!)

If I'm honest, the first week was confusing.  The material in each of the four classes seems to hopelessly overlap, and the clinical placement for the semester is the least defined of any that we'll encounter over the course of the degree.  I'm taking comfort in the fact that in talking to other students, everyone is confused, and even our clinical instructors are telling us that it's quite normal to be confused at this point, and that it will become clearer as the weeks progress.

My other observation would be that nursing school is apparently going to involve a whole lot of group work, random games, and everyone talking at once.  In my first week I speed dated ten other women, played the part of an affluent politician on a version of Survivor and was promptly voted off the island to meet my death at the hands of a zombie apocalypse, and survived a day with close to six hours of 19 women and one man talking all at once.  It was a little bit nuts, and hard on my introverted, prefers one on one or very small group interaction self.

And then there's this - after the first week, I find myself grappling with my One Word for the year.  My word is "still" - a word that fits my reflective, introverted heart well.  A word that is easy to live when there aren't other demands on my time.  A word that is easy to live when I have hours a day to engage in creativity - to read, to write, to sew, to cook, to knit, and to reflect.  It's not a word that's quite as easy to live when 8 hours a day are spent in the company of others, and at least half of those are spent in the course of constant interaction with others, and largish groups.

After only one week, I am realizing that I will need to prioritize my life.  That there will be times when I will need to say no to meeting with friends I truly love, in favor of valuing my need for rest and stillness. That I will need to create ways to maintain health - to exercise and eat well.  That many things will have to be assessed in terms of whether they will give or drain life and energy.  Thankfully, most of the things that are priorities in my life outside of school have already been assessed in that manner - that's how they have become priorities.  I am realizing, though, that the rigorous school schedule is going to require me to develop discipline in new ways.  To learn to rest more actively - to procrastinate less, and do the things that feed my soul without frittering away an hour online or watching a video first.

I'm cautiously excited.  There are things that scare and frustrate me, and there are things that make my heart sing, and I am learning, even after only one week, to balance them inside me, and grow stronger, heal more deeply, and tell a better story.  I am learning to live all of my One Word's from the last several years in new ways, and that thought causes an involuntary smile to spread across my face.

Still: Goals, Hopes and Dreams for 2012

Yesterday I shared that my One Word for 2012 is Still.

Today I want to share some of the ways that I'm hoping to flesh out that word in the year to come.  Some of the goals and dreams I have for 2012.

Physical

• Get back into a routine of yoga
• at least 30 minutes a day of physical activity - walking, yoga, situps, whatever - just make the time to move
• Continue to adapt my eating habits towards healthier choices
• Continue the habits that have improved health - vitamins, flossing, winding down for sleep at night, medications etc.
• Drink lots and lots of both tea and water

Emotional/Spiritual/Relational

• Continue to cultivate the friendships that have become important - the ones that are open, honest and like family
• Continue the practice of daily time in scripture by reading through the Bible in a year again
• Start the year by cultivating a more regular practice of listening prayer, using a 40 day devotional "Rivers from Eden" by Brad and Eden Jersak, then carry on a practice of daily prayer/meditation/listening, using in part "Common Prayer" by Shane Claiborne, and "Can You Hear Me?" by Brad Jersak
• Continue seeking help from professionals when needed (something that became invaluable in the last year)
• Cultivate deeper relationships with the people I gather with on Thursdays for House Church
• Study carefully and prayerfully to prepare for the times I lead and teach at House Church
• Consider the possibility of meeting with a spiritual director and/or taking further classes in spiritual development/theology
• Finish reading "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend
• Look for opportunities to widen my circle of friends and meet new people in a way that is comfortable for my introverted self

Mental/Educational/Creative

• Start the year by revisiting several books that have challenged me personally and creatively - "The Echo Within" by Robert Benson, "Bird by Bird" by Anne Lamott, "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" by Donald Miller
• Focus, discipline and excel wherever possible in my nursing studies.  I've been waiting a long time for this, and it's worth it to me to work hard at it.
• Find time to learn even little bits of a Spanish.  Even if it's just a word here and there.  There are apps on my phone to help with this if needed, and friends who are fluent who can teach.
• Find new authors to read, and read broadly, feeding the things that fascinate me, and opening myself up to new thoughts and ideas.  Read a minimum of a book a month, but aim for more.
• Time on pinterest - this has been a huge boost to stirring creativity within me over the last number of months, and that's a part of myself that I want to continue to cultivate.  This also plays into the mental, emotional, and spiritual parts of myself.  I feel alive when I'm creating with my hands - whether it's in the kitchen, sewing, crafting, or knitting.  There is a part of my soul that cries out for this, and I've discovered it in new ways, and want to help that part of my being come alive more fully.
• In that vein, craft something, anything, once a month at least, and continue to try out new recipes, aiming for a minimum of once a month.

Financial

• Continue to support various friends and ministries
• Continue to give to Kiva
• No new debt except student loans - live within my means (this means finding a job, and living simply)

Personal/Random

• Buy a pair of Toms (the third year in a row that this is on my list - maybe this will finally be the year for it?)
• Find a more suitable living situation
• Simplify - sort through belongings and pare down - less clutter, no holding on for "someday".  Balance beauty with usefulness and necessity.  I'm not hunting for a spartan lifestyle, just a simpler, even less consumer driven lifestyle.  This also means finding ways to reduce, reuse, recycle wherever possible.
• In the note of consuming less - hang more clothes to dry (my exceptions here are sheets and towels - I just like those softer and smelling pretty); recycle more - it's simple thanks to the blue bin program; I just have to be willing to go out of my way a bit.  Buy used when possible.  Reduce the clothing I buy, and consider the versatility of various pieces.

It seems like a crazy list when I look at it all written out like this.  And yet, the vast majority of these things fit with "Still" for me.  They are nearly all things that call me to a quieter, deeper, and fuller life, or are a continuation of habits and practices and passions that are already in play in my life.  They're not hard and fast rules for me.  In my mind and heart they're simply the fleshing out of the way the word Still came to me.  They're guidelines for living out the words that have already made themselves at home, and for welcoming Still to grow and shape me.  I'm looking forward with joy and anticipation and much hope and peace to seeing the way these things play out within me. I enter 2012 with more anticipation than any year in recent history, and I'm so excited to see where it goes!

Daily 5 - Year 3, Day 134

Today's Daily 5:

1. Sleeping late
2. Having the house to myself for most of the afternoon, with time to think, plan and write
3. Sharing my one word for this year with the world in a post earlier today
4. going through magazines to clip words and images for future collages and art journaling, and finding my one word in a size small enough to clip it and tape it just above my laptop monitor
5. the continuing tradition of eating Chinese take-out with whatever immediate family members are available on New Year's Day

One Word 2012

I'm joining Alece and many, many others again this year in choosing a word that will give shape and form to the 365 days ahead.

Two years ago, my word was Story.  It was an informally chosen word, but by the end of the year I knew it was a word that would shape all of the years to come with the desire to tell a truly great story with my life, even if it was a story that only seemed truly great to me, a story that is never noticed by the rest of the world.

In 2011 I had chosen a word, and was pondering it on December 31, 2010, as I walked to the passport office to renew my passport.  As I walked, a different word than I had chosen appeared, and made itself at home in my heart, settling in, and choosing itself for me.  That word was Heal.  It didn't look the way I thought it might, that day it made itself at home within me, but it was ultimately a challenging, moving, and deeply true journey.  It was a year for healing.

As December 2011 came, I began pondering what word I would choose to shape 2012, trying different words on for size, inviting them into my heart, and seeing if they would make themselves at home there. I tried words like "grow," "learn," "nurse," "study," "maintain," and "pursue" on for size.  All of them spoke to parts of me, but none settled in for a long stay.

And so I waited for a word to arrive, to make itself at home within me.  I wondered if this would be the year that was wordless, and I constantly reminded myself that 2011's word arrived at the last moment to take up residence.  I thought and pondered, played word games inside my head, and waited.  I needed a word that fit with that life-shaping word of story.  I needed a word that continued the work of "heal" within me - a word that moved story and heal forward into new places and chapters.

Early last week a word appeared, and as I checked the definitions for clarity, it began the process of unpacking and settling itself in for a long stay.

My word for 2012?

                                            Source: weheartit.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Still.

I chose it for these definitions:

1. remaining in place or at rest; motionless; stationary: to stand still.
2. free from sound or noise, as a place or persons; silent: to keep still about a matter.
3. subdued or low in sound; hushed: a still, small voice.
4. free from turbulence or commotion; peaceful; tranquil;calm: the still air.
5. in the future as in the past: Objections will still be made.
6. even; in addition; yet (used to emphasize a comparative):still more complaints; still greater riches.
7. even then; yet; nevertheless: to be rich and still crave more.
8. to silence or hush (sounds, voices, etc.).
9. to calm, appease, or allay: to still a craving.
10. to quiet, subdue, or cause to subside (waves, winds,commotion, tumult, passion, pain, etc.).

Ten definitions. 

Still is a word that speaks to my soul.  It's a word that speaks to me of the life I've found in the times when I can embrace quiet and creativity.  It's a word that calls me to find time for balance, to embrace those moments, to truly stop and rest, and care for myself.  It's a word that speaks to me of my growing awareness of myself, and my needs, and how to best meet or have those needs met.

It's also a word that speaks to me of action, and continuation.  Of still telling a great story with my life.  Of still healing and carrying healing within me.  Of carrying forward the things that have meant so much to me over the last years.

My word for 2012 is Still, and I'm curious and excited to see what it holds as it builds itself a home in my heart.

(p.s.  I'll be back later today, or sometime tomorrow with some thoughts and dreams that go with this word for the next year.  I'm looking forward to sharing those here, and then beginning the journey of living them.)

Looking Back Before Moving Forward

One year ago tomorrow, I announced that my One Word for the year of 2011 would be "heal."  That same day, I posted a list of goals, hopes, and dreams that went with that word in my head, heart and life.

Before I post the One Word that found me for 2012, tomorrow, I wanted to take time today to revisit that list and add some comments on a number of the things it contained.

Yoga:  this one started out strong, and then petered out a bit as the year and my plans changed.  The yoga studio I fell in love with closed somewhat suddenly.  I started working for the temp agency, and ended up at the job that took a huge amount of my time.  I did fall in love with yoga, though, and I'll definitely be working to reincorporate it into my life and schedule in the year ahead.

Scripture Reading:  I finished the chronological trip through the Bible just a few minutes ago.  This was the first time in a long time that I've made the commitment to get through the entirety of scripture in a year.  I'm so glad I did.  I admit that some days I very much skimmed, but it has been good for me (if hard at times) to make time in scripture on a regular basis again.

Cook:  I lost count of how many new recipes I tried this year, but it was definitely more than twelve.  Pinterest brought new life to my attempts at cooking and baking and was the source of many recipes and much inspiration.  Some favorites included pumpkin snickerdoodles, chocolate, peanut butter pretzel cookies, and even peanut butter fudge brownie trifle.

Read:  Yep - way more than 2 books a month.  More like 2 a week (I haven't totaled up the final tally yet).  So good to devote a lot of time reading this year.

TOMS:  Not yet.  I'm still going to buy a pair - hopefully in the coming year, but it will all depend on how my finances look as I take on full-time studenthood again!

Kiva:  I did it!  I made several loans (about 7, I think) over the last year.  The first investment has more than come back to me, and I keep reinvesting.  I love this program, and I think you all should take part and invest.

Those items are kind of the highlights.  It was a very unexpected, but very good year.  I'm glad for it.  I'm glad for the way that all of these things played out.  I've even glad for the way the things that didn't quite go as planned, played out.  I'm looking forward to seeing which thoughts and ideas present themselves to be played out in the year to come.

Wrapping Up "Heal"

My one word for 2011 was "heal".

It wasn't the word I'd initially thought I would choose, but it was the one my heart landed on on December 31, 2010, as I walked and prayed on my way to and from the passport office.

I was in a good place that day, and heal didn't seem intimidating.  It seemed perfect, really.

I was expecting to hear, either within days, or within months, that I was accepted into a nursing program.  What better word for the first year of nursing studies, I thought, than heal?

I was in a good place mentally, emotionally, and spiritually - riding the high of some changes and progress I'd made, heal seemed like the natural continuation of that high, of the victory I was experiencing after many months and years of a tiring fight.

The year didn't turn out quite like I thought it would.

Heal, it turns out, is not all victory and highs.  A lot of it is hard slogging.  A lot of it is tears, and work, surrender and sacrifices.

Nursing didn't work out like I expected.  I didn't start school in January, or September, as I thought I would.  It was a full year of waiting for that part of my journey of healing to happen.  I will start school and that much desired nursing program in 2012, a year whose word has yet to be determined.  The first rejection from the program hurt.  It was a shattering of dreams and expectations.  The second one hurt less so, perhaps from experience, perhaps because of the practical reality of knowing that very few people were accepted in that second application period.

And victory?  Well, changing relationships and tears and struggling are all more apt descriptors of the year.  Uncovering, digging, surrendering.  Yoga.  Chocolate.  Loving friends. Transitions. Knowing Jesus in new ways.  Hard choices.  Hard work.

And yet, as I stop today and recall the past year, I can tell you that it has been a year of healing.

I am healthier - physically, emotionally, spiritually.  I have made choices I never thought I would make and they have changed me, they have helped me heal.  I feel emotionally and spiritually stable in ways that I haven't in more than a decade.  I have friends who I have leaned on in some pretty challenging situations, and who I know I can trust with the messy parts of myself as readily as the tidy and together bits.  I know Jesus in new ways - in ways that convince me that He loves me more than I ever could have believed.  And more than that, I am growing to understand that I, myself, am worthy.  I'm learning that caring for myself, loving who Jesus has made me, is perhaps one of the most beautiful and profound gifts of healing that this year has offered.

The year of heal didn't turn out at all like I expected, but it has been a year that has moved me, and a year that has lived up to it's name.  I can't wait to see what word reveals itself for 2012, and the journey that that word will take me on.

An Ending and a Beginning (6 Years of Healing)

I've spent the last month thinking about what I would write in this space today.

Today I'm celebrating six years of healing.

Six years ago today, November 1st was also a Tuesday, and I had one of the most unusual, and ultimately powerful experiences of my life.  It was a day that changed my faith and in many ways the course of my journey with Jesus.

I've written about it in past years, so I'll just briefly tell the story before moving on to the things my heart has been reflecting on in the months leading up to this anniversary.

For between seven and ten years I had been suffering from severe depression that had slowly and persistently encompassed everything in my life.  My childhood faith was in tatters - the first time I'd talked to God in months had been the previous night, when something broke inside me after a challenging evening with friends, and I'd driven home alone in the dark car and yelled at God, pouring out anger and pain.  I was suffering from severe and intense nightmares, and terrible insomnia.  I was 22 years old, and it had been at least five years since I'd last slept through a night without my rest being interrupted by either wakefulness or many nightmares.  Good Christian and pastor's kid guilt along with a healthy dose of fear kept me alive in those days - too afraid to take my own life, and too aware of what my release from pain would cost those around me.  I went to bed each night begging God to simply let me die in my sleep.  There simply wasn't a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

It was in that space that I crawled out of bed and went to university on November 1, 2005.  I began seeing and hearing unusual images in my head, and was left unsettled.  Since I'd become involved in a church that believed in the active presence of the Holy Spirit, I was aware that these seemed to be spiritual experiences, but they fell firmly in my category of "weird."  I went to the house group I attended that night, and let the friend who was my resource for all things spiritually "weird" know that I'd had an odd day, and needed to talk.  We had our meeting and went upstairs to drink iced tea and eat cookies.  It was part of the routine.  My friend was on his way out the door, standing at the bottom of landing, when he remembered I wanted to talk.  I put him off, telling him it could wait, that he should "call me tomorrow."  He insisted.

I sat on the stairs and he stood on the landing and I began to fill him in.  His reaction was strong, and he asked me to take a walk with him so we could keep talk.  I protested.  It was blizzarding outside, had snowed several inches since we'd arrived earlier in the evening.  He insisted again.  We walked for a long time, talking and praying, and then, when we were too cold and wet to keep walking, sat in his car and kept talking and praying.  I think we ended up talking for close to three hours, late into the night.

He had been patiently waiting and watching for a couple years.  I can't count the number of times he had invited me to come before Jesus with this immense thing that was plaguing me, and I had shut him down.  For whatever reason, that night, after my odd day, I was able to let down my guard, and He led me into the presence of Jesus in new and deep ways.  We never prayed for healing or deliverance that night, at least not in those words, but I walked away healed and set free.  That all encompassing hopelessness and despair has never returned.  That night I slept for six straight hours without waking or having a nightmare.

I think about that day often, and more so this year, when my One Little Word has been "heal".  Jesus met me that night, and healed some broken pieces of my heart.  Some things haven't changed - I still struggle with my mood at times (in fact, this year I've begun taking medication to help with that which has made a significant difference, and I've been seeing a therapist to continue to further that process of healing).  Sleep still isn't my special gift in life, though the overwhelming nightmares remain thankfully rare.  (God, with his crazy sense of humor has replaced the nightmares with sometimes equally vivid, though thankfully far less terrifying, spiritual dreams.)

I guess what my heart reflects on this year is that that moment six years ago was an ending, but it was also a beginning.

It was the ending of an all encompassing darkness that was tangible, spiritual, and had held me, hopeless, in its clutches since I was an early teen.  I believe with all my heart that I will never again face that (though, as more and more time passes, I'm thankful for the lessons I learned in the midst of it.)  That ending is a precious gift, and is one that I celebrate each year on this day, and that I will continue to celebrate.

But it was also the beginning.  It was the beginning of a crazy roller coaster journey of knowing God's Spirit alive and working in me.  It was the beginning of a journey that took me overseas, and brought me home again.  Of a journey marked by both gains and painful losses.  It was the beginning of an incredible process of healing and being made whole - a process that someone recently reminded me is rather like an onion, with layers.  (How did we ever explained layered things before Shrek made that analogy so common?)  This year, in my year of heal, that process has been exaggerated, unexpected, and still beautiful.

I'm here to say simply that I'm thankful - that I'm thankful for the friend who invited me to come before Jesus and be freed by His presence.  And I'm so thankful for the ongoing journey with the Jesus whom I met in new ways that night - for the ongoing work of his redemption and resurrection in my life - that He is making me new.

(I want to invite you to ask questions - this post is long and if I said everything that I would have loved to have shared about that night, or these last six years, I'd never stop writing.  So, email me at the address in my profile, or leave a comment and I'd love to dialogue either privately or in these posts about whatever you're wondering about.)

I want to close with what is probably the passage of Scripture most precious to my heart, because it cries out what I have experienced - a Lord who hears and heals and rescues and sets free.  My Bible sits on a table in my bedroom, available for easy access, and is nearly always open to this passage.

Psalm 116

I love the Lord because he hears my voice
and my prayer for mercy.
Because he bends down to listen,
I will pray as long as I have breath!
Death wrapped its ropes around me;
the terrors of the grave overtook me.
I saw only trouble and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the Lord:
“Please, Lord, save me!”
How kind the Lord is! How good he is!
So merciful, this God of ours!
The Lord protects those of childlike faith;
I was facing death, and he saved me.
Let my soul be at rest again,
for the Lord has been good to me.
He has saved me from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling.
And so I walk in the Lord’s presence
as I live here on earth!
I believed in you, so I said,
“I am deeply troubled, Lord.”
In my anxiety I cried out to you,
“These people are all liars!”
What can I offer the Lord
for all he has done for me?
I will lift up the cup of salvation
and praise the Lord’s name for saving me.
I will keep my promises to the Lord
in the presence of all his people.

Reformation Day

The church history geek in me much prefers to acknowledge reformation day than halloween on the 31st of October.  That said, this year, on the day when so many people are acknowledging one of these two "festivals", it occurs to me that neither is particularly in the spirit of where my heart is at.  On this day before one of the most significant anniversaries of my faith journey, I am pondering these two festivals, and reflecting on the places in my heart that thoughts of them are touching.

I don't like halloween.  There's something about a holiday that demands the use of costumes and masks to disguise oneself, and seems to embrace the imitation of evil that just doesn't do it for me.  This year I'm thinking particularly about the use of masks and costuming.  After spending the vast majority of workday on Friday listening and observing as two coworkers planned, shopped for, and then tried on their costumes for a Saturday night party, I am struck by the need to hide one's identity.  What sort of day requires the putting on of masks?  The hiding of who one is, and assuming an alternate identity.  There is something about this that seems beyond the child's play and fun the world seems to preach.  For me, it's simply this - when I have fought so long to find an place of joy and comfort within my own skin, why would I choose to embrace another identity, and particularly one that is evil?

And then there's Reformation Day.  Martin Luther nailed 95 Theses to a church door in Wittenburg, and the world changed.  In the past I've written posts about Reformation day, seeing it not so much as a reminder of the splintering of church factions, but as a reminder of the need to be constantly re-formed.  To be constantly open to being made new.  I still think about that.  I've thought about it a lot in this year where my One Little Word is "heal".

But this year I'm thinking too about the splintering.  I've seen much splintering of friendships that I'd thought were permanent over the past years, and it's nothing in comparison to the splintering set off by Luther's act.  And while I'm a member of a protestant church, in faith somewhat a daughter of Luther's act, this splintering grieves my heart deeply.

I am one who has spent a chunk of this year realizing that my heart loves deeply, and once it loves, is intensely loyal.  If you have found space within my heart, I will welcome you openly.  And yet, I've learned that at times that loyalty breaks me.  And so, today, I find myself thinking of the shattered body of Christ called the church, and grieving just a little that we would celebrate this day.  Mark it?  Yes, I think it's one that needs to be remembered, but celebrated?  No.  I am reminded again of a passage I've prayed often over the last years, as I've experienced some of those shattered relationships.  The words of Jesus, praying shortly before the crucifixion, "I pray that they will all be one, just as you and I are one - as you are in me, Father, and I am in you.  And may they be in us so that the world will believe you sent me...May they experience such perfect unity that the world will know that you sent me and that you love them as much as you love me."

So, October 31st.  I'm thinking about another Monday, October 31st, six years ago.  About how the events of that night led into the following day, and ultimately changed my life.  I'm thinking about the journey of the last six years, and coming from a place of not wanting to wear a mask, but not being comfortable without one to a place of celebrating the work of reforming that Jesus has done within me to make me more wholly present with Him, in my own unique role created for me by Him.  And I'm thinking about celebrating the process of being healed, of being made new, acknowledging that there are times that this process causes pain and splintering, and that my heart remains heavy to pray for unity - for the healed wholeness of my own spirit, and for the healed wholeness of Christ's body here on earth.

Finding Rhythm

I'm in my sixth week of this temp job, and last week was the first week where I began to feel like I was catching my breath, and finding a new normal.

I tend to forget that adaptation takes more time than I think it will.

This job starts earlier than anywhere I've ever worked.  I need to be in the office at 7:30 am.  That means I need to be at the bus stop at 6:30 am.  And that means that my alarm clock goes off at 5:30 am.

That's right, this avowed night person has been starting every day at 5:30 am!  That's a full two hours before the current sunrise, y'all.

It's pretty much horrible!

And it has definitely taken some adapting of schedules and rhythms.

You see, over the last year I've discovered that my much despised mornings are easier if I wake up with about an hour before I have to be out the door.  It really only takes me maybe 15-20 minutes of that hour to get out of bed and out the door.  The rest of it is spent waking VERY slowly.  Checking a few emails, or reading a few blog posts.  Anything that can be done from a prone, still curled up under the blankets, easing into the day kind of position.

Another newish rhythm has to do with sleep.  On weeknights I try to carve out the last hour before my lights need to be out as a time to wind down.  No television, no phone calls, no computer screens, or cell phone screens.  Just me and some time to write, read, pray and think.

That rhythm has been challenging since, with the early mornings, I need to have my lights out by 10pm, 10:30 at the latest.  That means I need to be done with emailing, blog reading, game playing, web surfing, and television watching by 9 pm.  Do you know how hard this early to bed thing is for me???  Let me just tell you - going to bed that early is almost worse than getting up so early!

Add in full days in an emotionally draining office environment, the need to juggle a family, church and social life, and the ongoing process of exploring my one word for the year, "heal", and it's been quite the struggle to adapt.

I feel like I'm starting to catch a second wind, finally, six weeks in.  Like I've made some strides in figuring out what does and what doesn't work.  Like I'm adapting to this crazy new schedule of sleeping and waking (or at least hating it a little bit less as I recognize that discipline in this area is paying dividends in physical and emotional health - and by extension my mental and spiritual stability).

It's a good thing, and a hard one all at once, these new rhythms.  Nothing I would have expected or chosen, but an encouragement to find footing even in this newest of spaces and challenges.  And that, my friends, is something I'm grateful for.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 356

Today's Daily 5:

1. 28th birthday.  I'm one of a very few people who actually seems to like getting older.  I don't always love birthdays, but I like getting older.  28 seems special, particularly in this year where my one word is "heal" and in this year where so much has changed dramatically.  I'm excited to begin another year of life and see what it holds!
2. spending the whole day mostly puttering and cooking.  In the last 24 hours, pinterest recipes have been my inspiration, and I've made 4 recipes that I'd never made before (muffins, a brownie cake, mango sangria, and a salad)
3. two different bouquets of flowers from a family member and a friend (fun because I actually went out to buy flowers during a different errand this morning, and couldn't find any I like, so left it!)
4. an evening spent with nine wonderful friends, laughing, talking, and sharing food.
5. cuddling the baby daughter of a friend
6. lovely and creative gifts from several friends, thinks that reflect me, and/or our relationships
7. the beauty of a dishwasher for clean-up after a big party (have I mentioned that I like house-sitting?)
8. an evening where we could sit outside on the back patio at mom and dad's to enjoy our dinner
9. hugs from a whole bunch of people I love
10. an overwhelming number of loving facebook greetings and emails from friends far and near
11. calls and texts from the family members I usually spend the day with
12. mango sangria - tiny little bit of heaven!
13. brownie cake - also a bit of heaven
14. a break from cooking midafternoon to soak in a bath and read for a bit
15. listening to some new music sent by a friend while I cooked this morning.

Reverb 11 - June

The June Reverb Prompt is:

What can you let yourself off the hook for?

Hmm... An interesting question to ask half-way through the year.


I think the answer for me is "expectations."


In my year of "heal", I've already talked about the fact that it looks nothing like what I expected.  I think it may be a simpler second half of the year if I release myself from my own expectations and timeline.  If I can simply take the days as they come.  If I can live more peacefully within that space.

I think the other half of that is choosing to release myself from expectations of others - whether they're real, or simply something I perceive and take on myself.  To choose to live freely in my own body, meeting my needs and caring for and loving myself.  To be okay with the things that make me different - the things that make me uniquely me.

One Word 2011 - Halfway

Alece has reminded all of us that we are now half-way through the living of our 2011 One Words.

So, it's time for an update.

My 2011 One Word is "Heal".

It's a fascinating word, and it looks nothing like what I thought it might when the year began.

The first days of 2011 were a high.  I'd just made some pivotal relational decisions that were resulting in a profound freedom.  I'd been working on healing already, and was seeing progress.  I think I started 2011 assuming that heal was going to be a victory lap, rather than a journey or a battle.

I was wrong.

It's been a journey.  A long and hard one.  One that at times is probably more accurately described as a battle.

Healing has required humility.  A willingness to throw aside pride and admit how truly broken I've been.

It's required patience for a slow process instead of an instantaneous miracle.

It's required flexibility as changes have come, and new decisions have had to be made.

It hasn't looked anything like the victory lap that I thought it would be.

And yet, I'm seeing healing in new and deep and unexpected places.

Just in the last week, I've seen incredible glimpses of healing in my relationships with my brother and sister in law, and especially with my other brother.  If you had told me that the sort of conversation I had with my brother J early this week was possible, I wouldn't have believed you.  And yet, in a relationship that has been constantly marked by judgment, we had a conversation marked by grace.  The kind of conversation where I closed the door behind him as he left and simply stood there, stunned.

God is being faithful, in the places in which I'm being deliberate in seeking in healing, and in the places in which I least expected it, to work this word out in my life.  It doesn't look how I thought it might, and it has been hard, yet it has its own unique, painful, wonderful beauty and grace, and I'm so very thankful for that.

Stuff Worth Reading

I came across a couple of blog posts in the past few days that really spoke to me, and wanted to share them both with you.

Gitz wrote here about control, and being open to change.  It was a thought I needed to ponder again, as I'm in a space in the midst of a great number of hard changes.  I was also challenged by her comments about struggling with food and body image, since I've fought (and at times continue to fight) my own battles with food.

Over at JennyRain, she's talking about controlling healing.  This was a post I flagged in google reader and went back to several times over.  It's a topic I've been thinking a lot about the last few weeks.  My one word for the year is Heal, and that process hasn't turned out to look anything like what I thought it might.  It's been slower, messier, harder, and full of things I never thought I'd say or wrestle with.  And I've been struck again and again by how it's a process in God's hands, not mine.  A process that I can't control.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on these posts.  Or, if you've read something fabulous lately, leave a link for me in the comments.  I'd love to check it out!

One Year

A year ago today, my life changed drastically.

At the end of the work day, I was called into a manager's office, and told that my three year tenure with the company at which I was employed had come to an end.  Immediately.  They watched as I packed my office, escorted me down the elevator to a taxi, and sent on my way, with decisions to make about signing documents and severance.

I did a lot of crying, consulted a few trusted advisers, gritted my teeth, decided to take the money I was being offered, and choose to see this as God's hand moving me forward.  Two days later I left for a two week road trip with my dad, and a few weeks after that I announced that I was going to pursue nursing as a career.

A year later, I can tell you that my life, though it looks nothing like I thought it might, is better for the end of my tenure at the company that my roommates referred to as "the soap opera." 

But there remains painful twinges, as I think about that day.  It's a bit of a humiliating thing to have a job end that way.  Escorted out as if you can't be trusted.  No chance to say goodbye to the friends you've shared the days with for three plus years.

It wasn't the start to a new path that I would have chosen.  It's yet another thing in my life where I have to look at it and say, "even with that, I trust you, Jesus."

It has ushered in new and unexpected things, and today, as I ponder them, as I ponder this year of healing, I feel just a bit melancholy and sad.  It's different than I would have chosen, because so rarely do my plans seem to be in synch with God's, but it's good.  Today I'm thinking about the losses of this year of deconstruction, and praying for the healing and rebuilding that has begun.

Reverb 11 - May

The May Reverb Prompt is:

If you participated in Reverb 10 during December of last year, are any of the things you wanted to manifest in 2011 revealing themselves?

Well, the big thing that I was hoping would manifest is healing.

And I think it is, though, as usual, it looks nothing like what I'd expected.

It has looked like decisions I never expected to make, and a semester of school I'd preferred to have avoided.  It has looked like long conversations, changes in relationships, and even stepping into a few things I was certain I wasn't ready for, but that God has asked for.

And it has looked like a million little things that can't be named or shared.

But it is happening.  It just looks different than I thought it might.

Good Friday

Good Friday is an odd sort of day to encounter, when you're having a year in which you've boldly declared that this year the thing you're giving up for Lent is in fact the practice of Lent.

It's odder still when you in fact gave up Lent because it had become a grinding obligation - a continual and unending suffering, with no room for feasting or joy.

I woke this morning, and stood in the shower (the place where I do some of my best thinking and praying) and pondered.

For the last several years, I've lived the Lenten season as a reflection of life.  My life seemed to only carry suffering, there was little love or joy in my faith, and Lent seemed a perfect fit for that - a season of fasting, suffering, denial, preparation.  A season that moves inexorably towards this day that we mark the crucifixion, the death of a savior.  Easter had become a sort of afterthought - an "oh yes, and there was resurrection," but I was stuck on that Friday, stuck in death and pain and anguish.  I lived out my days and months and years in a Friday mindset.

And this year I declared that enough was enough.  I wasn't going to encourage my natural proclivity for suffering and angst.  Lent moved quickly, this year, with an awareness of the coming of Easter, but not the weighing, dragging of days that it has had for the past several.

I read somewhere that Christians are Easter people, living in a Good Friday world.  I was just a Good Friday person most of the time.

And so I found myself pondering in the shower this morning, feeling almost offended that a day had arrived that demanded my attention focus, at least for a time again, on the suffering.  How dare I be forced to think about that?

And yet, if I can't, if I can't pause and recognize this suffering that has been marked for my healing, what good am I?  How can I be an Easter person, if I can't also see and empathize with a Good Friday world? If I close my eyes and cloister myself in my own controlled world?

I become useless cloistered away in that fashion, and I wither.  And, the reality that these last years have so clearly taught is this - I can't control even my own world, my own desire to avoid personal suffering.

And so today I'm pausing.

I paused through an hour long Tenebrae service - a carefully constructed meditation on shadows, with roots in the fourth century.  I walked in silence from the church, with the others in attendance.  The solemnity that follows the removal of Christ, his laying in the tomb.  The entrance to the days between.

And I'm pondering.

I have learned that being a Good Friday person isn't healthy, and I'm working to learn what it is to be that Easter person, while still carrying great empathy and compassion for a Good Friday world.  I'm learning what it is to exist in those Good Friday moments, without them becoming overpowering.

And I'm thinking about my one word for the year.  Heal.

I'm recognizing that without a Good Friday moment, that healing would not be mine.

And so I wait, today, for resurrection Sunday.

Reverb 11 - April

The Reverb Prompt for April is the following question:


What's blossoming?

Well, it's early April, and I live in Western Canada, so trees are not yet budding, and the only flowers that are blooming live indoors.

But I think I'm blossoming, maybe just a little, in this year where my one word is "heal".

I made more decisions this week.  Decisions I would have deemed impossible a year ago.  Decisions to care for myself and my heart, to give that priority.

I started a job.  A job that seems to fit me well.  No pushy sales.  No big corporate structure.  Lots of handmade, natural products to help people feel pampered and cared for.  Friendly people.  The only downside so far is that it involves using really big knives.  Knives scare me.

I'm learning that I am more capable than I feel, and that I really CAN juggle all the spheres of my life and be happy.  April is going to be a month that will test that theory, as I juggle work, school, church and personal obligations.  I'm tired already, and it's only a week in, but things are getting done when they need to be.  And, at the end of this month, the juggling will get easier as school ends for a bit.

I feel like I'm becoming free in new ways.

It's pretty much a messy, wild thing. 

One that still requires a lot of healing (it is, after all, my word for the year).

But one that is blossoming within the quiet spaces of my heart.

One that grows as I make daily 5 lists, and make choices to care for myself.

There is joy blossoming as the sun tries to make an appearance and bring growth and color and life.

Emerging newness.

And I love it.

Heal: One Word 2011 Update

I've had this post that Alece wrote a couple of weeks ago flagged in google reader, as I tried to figure out what to say for an update on how my "one word" for this year is going.

My word is "heal", and I announced it here  and here (and you can find all of the posts I've written about it here.)

I think, when the year started, I was kind of thinking of "heal" as a triumphant thing.  It was finally here, everything was going to be better, and rosy.

It hasn't turned out that way.

Healing, it turns out, is hard, slogging, work.

Good work.

But hard and slogging.

There have been some good things - I had a goal to try a "real" yoga class, and I fell in love with this form of exercise.  I've made some other self-care things a priority, and they are making a difference.

But it's been a lot of hard stuff too.

A year of deconstruction, on the tails of several years of hard challenges, leave a lot of pieces to be sorted, picked up, ordered, and then discarded, or reassembled.  There's been a bit of all of those processes so far this year.

Physically, some of the health stuff that had seemed to finally be turning around as the new year came, has taken a step back, and I'm paying a bit of a price for that.

Emotionally, I've been diligent in working for health.  In reading, in seeking help and wise counsel, in making sure to leave room for margin and rest, and for things like yoga, and time alone - the things that give me space to breathe.

Spiritually, there is growth, and healing happening.  Wounds are settling out, and maybe even closing.  But some have also been uncovered, ripped open, and made visible.  I know God more intimately now, than ever before.  But many of the emotional and spiritual wounds run deep, and I have shed buckets of tears as I've walked this journey of "heal".

It's a word that is shaping my consciousness.  A word that is forming my year.

As of last week, this came in the mail, and it's a word I wear around my neck, reaching up to touch it, to finger it, to be reminded as I feel it sitting against my skin.

It's my word.  And it's been a very mixed journey, but one that is good.

Heal.  It's the word God gave me for this year, and, a quarter of the way through, it's definitely holding my attention, making me curious, excited, nervous, and a little bit scared to see what comes next.