Reverb 11 - June

The June Reverb Prompt is:

What can you let yourself off the hook for?

Hmm... An interesting question to ask half-way through the year.


I think the answer for me is "expectations."


In my year of "heal", I've already talked about the fact that it looks nothing like what I expected.  I think it may be a simpler second half of the year if I release myself from my own expectations and timeline.  If I can simply take the days as they come.  If I can live more peacefully within that space.

I think the other half of that is choosing to release myself from expectations of others - whether they're real, or simply something I perceive and take on myself.  To choose to live freely in my own body, meeting my needs and caring for and loving myself.  To be okay with the things that make me different - the things that make me uniquely me.

Reverb 11 - May

The May Reverb Prompt is:

If you participated in Reverb 10 during December of last year, are any of the things you wanted to manifest in 2011 revealing themselves?

Well, the big thing that I was hoping would manifest is healing.

And I think it is, though, as usual, it looks nothing like what I'd expected.

It has looked like decisions I never expected to make, and a semester of school I'd preferred to have avoided.  It has looked like long conversations, changes in relationships, and even stepping into a few things I was certain I wasn't ready for, but that God has asked for.

And it has looked like a million little things that can't be named or shared.

But it is happening.  It just looks different than I thought it might.

Reverb 11 - April

The Reverb Prompt for April is the following question:


What's blossoming?

Well, it's early April, and I live in Western Canada, so trees are not yet budding, and the only flowers that are blooming live indoors.

But I think I'm blossoming, maybe just a little, in this year where my one word is "heal".

I made more decisions this week.  Decisions I would have deemed impossible a year ago.  Decisions to care for myself and my heart, to give that priority.

I started a job.  A job that seems to fit me well.  No pushy sales.  No big corporate structure.  Lots of handmade, natural products to help people feel pampered and cared for.  Friendly people.  The only downside so far is that it involves using really big knives.  Knives scare me.

I'm learning that I am more capable than I feel, and that I really CAN juggle all the spheres of my life and be happy.  April is going to be a month that will test that theory, as I juggle work, school, church and personal obligations.  I'm tired already, and it's only a week in, but things are getting done when they need to be.  And, at the end of this month, the juggling will get easier as school ends for a bit.

I feel like I'm becoming free in new ways.

It's pretty much a messy, wild thing. 

One that still requires a lot of healing (it is, after all, my word for the year).

But one that is blossoming within the quiet spaces of my heart.

One that grows as I make daily 5 lists, and make choices to care for myself.

There is joy blossoming as the sun tries to make an appearance and bring growth and color and life.

Emerging newness.

And I love it.

Reverb 11!

Remember Reverb 10, all through December?  I got an email with a prompt from them the other day.  Once a month over the course of 2011, there will be a prompt coming my way to help me stop to pause and reflect.

This is the new prompt for February:

One month into 2011, what question(s) are you living? Are there any prompts/questions that arose during #reverb10 that are still resonating in your life? Are you living new questions?

So much of reverb10 has played into this new year, particularly as I've chosen my "one word" of heal.

The posts from reverb10 that continue to stand out to me are these three:

• Day One - One Word - the post in which I inadvertently, a month ahead of time,  went with my gut instinct and named the word that I wanted to define 2011.
• Day Eleven - 11 Things I Could Live Without - to be honest, I remember this as being one of the hardest, but also most fun posts to write.  I like the list I came up with, and some of the little things from that list have very much shaped the little personal steps I'm taking towards healing in this new year. 
• Day Eighteen: Try - the list of things I wanted to try in this new year.  I've actually made progress on some of them.  Yoga, for example - I've fallen in love with yoga.  

These are the posts that are still resonating.  The ones that I think about when I stop for a minute to consider this year that is only a month old.  I'm looking forward to this year, however hard it has already been.  I'm curious to see what healing comes, and how it comes.  I'm looking forward to living the things I named in those posts - and living without the ones that I also named!

Reverb 10: Day 31 - Core Story

Today's Reverb 10 Prompt:

December 31 – Core Story

What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world? (Bonus: Consider your reflections from this month. Look through them to discover a thread you may not have noticed until today.)

(Author: Molly O’Neill)

I think this prompt is my favorite of the questions that have been posed over this month of reverb10.

The central story at the core of me is this:

I am known and loved by the creator of the universe, a God who heals and who offers wholeness, who is perfectly constant, unchanging, and desires to draw all of creation into a deep joy and to bring redemption and resurrection to broken and dead things. 

It's quite the story, and I've been years learning it, and expect to be learning it for the remainder of my life.

That part about being not just known, but loved - that was big this year.

I've also discovered that what I thought healing, redemption, and resurrection looked like, is quite often not at all what they end up looking like.

I've seen this story play out in crazy ways this last year.

In the unexpected way in which I suddenly found myself duckless, with no ducks left to gather in a row.

In a job loss and a housing change and a total change in career directions.

In a car accident.

In a house church that turned out to be a safe place to land.

In a funeral, and a wedding.

In a road trip with my dad, and a week in California.

In visits to the zoo.

In books I've read.  Especially a kid's book.

In celebrating the fifth anniversary of my healing from depression.

In conversations over tea and phone calls and emails and blog posts.

In unexpected decisions and actions taken.

I've seen redemption and resurrection and healing in the most unexpected places.

And I'm so grateful for them.

Because they are at the core of my being, and are making themselves at home there in new ways that excite and challenge me.

Reverb 10: Day 30 - Gift

Today's Reverb 10 Prompt:

December 30 – Gift

Prompt: Gift. This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What’s the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year?

(Author: Holly Root)

Is it lame to talk about an emotional gift to myself as being the most memorable?

Because if we're talking about emotional gifts, the gift of allowing myself to rest and be cared for (by myself and others), and also to believed that I am lovable and loved top my list for this year.  Honestly, I can't quite describe the difference that that has made in my life.  Nor can I describe the wonder at discovering that I am loved, and then being able to begin to love myself.

But if we're talking about tangible gifts, well, I'm going to go with a few different options.  I have two hoodies (both of which I wear at least once a week) that were given to me by my brothers and the women in their lives.  One was a birthday gift from all four of them.  The second was a Christmas gift from two of them.  A dear friend sent me a beautiful book of art for my anniversary of healing in November - art that so perfectly suits that occasion.  I got two fun and memorable gifts in the last week as well - the first was a Konad stamping nail art kit from my parents for Christmas.  I'm looking forward to many hours of playing with this, since one of my favorite ways to pamper myself is to paint my toenails.  It's going to be even more fun now that I have this totally slick way to add art to the pedicure.  The second gift my mom handed to me today when I walked into her house after work.  It was a SAD lamp, and I'm excited to see if it does make a difference in the way my mood and energy levels tend to lag in the long dark winter months.

There you have it, tangible AND intangible!

The End is Coming

I find it incredibly hard to believe that tomorrow is the last day of 2010.

It seems like this year has held a multitude.  Like it has been the longest, and perhaps also the shortest year on record.

It's definitely been one of the crazyest.

It hit me this morning that I need to find time in the next 48 hours or so to sketch out a framework for the year to come.  I'm going to participate in the one word challenge spurred on by people like Alece and Ali Edwards.  (I'll reveal the word I've chosen in a day or two.)  But, participating in that challenge requires creating a framework for how to do that.  How to live that word for the next year.

It helps me to have a framework.

So, sometime tonight or tomorrow, I'll sit down with a pen and a journal and create that, on paper first, and then likely transfer some of it to the blog.  I've been reading (as I'm sure many of you have) article after article about living more meaningfully, about making and keeping resolutions, and about goal setting as the year draws to a close.  I have some thoughts and ways to make some commitments more tangible that I'm working on too.  Ways to chronicle the journey more intentionally than haphazardly.

In the meantime, the end is coming!

I can't believe the year is ending.

I can't believe a month of writing reverb 10 posts is also drawing to a close.  I'm going to miss having those daily prompts that forced me to stop and reflect, sometimes from angles I wouldn't have considered.

Has 2010 flown by for anyone else?  It really does seem like only yesterday that I was staring at a screen making a list of goals for the coming year.  And now I'm doing it again, only they're going to look immensely different.  Crazy.

Reverb 10: Day 29 - Defining Moment

Today's Reverb 10 Prompt:

December 29 – Defining Moment

Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year.

(Author: Kathryn Fitzmaurice)

I've struggled with how to answer this question, sitting here, staring at a blank post.  There are a few defining moments from this year that I can share here, but the far more profound ones are ones that are deeply personal, and not yet (and perhaps not ever) for public consumption.  Things that are private decisions I've made, that are dramatically shaping the landscape of my life.

On the very public front, a major defining moment was the sudden loss of my job.  It was never going to be a permanent job.  It was supposed to be my "work to pay bills until I figure out what I want to be when I grow up" job.  Losing it forced my hand on the "what do I want to be when I grow up" front.   It unexpectedly led to sensing God's leading and direction towards a career in nursing, and that has had dramatic impact on my life for the rather obvious reasons associated with a complete change of career.

I'm still staring at the screen, trying to wrap this up.  Wrestling with all of the thoughts around defining moments that the time is not ripe to share.  The personal defining moments have all been about decisions - decisions to value myself, to do things differently, to allow growth to happen in very unexpected ways.  And it's these moments that I really treasure.  It's those personal, internal defining moments that are giving flesh to the public ones like housing changes and job losses and new career directions.  Because it's the private moments that are shaping the character and spirit and emotion and voice that I lend to the public moments.

Reverb 10: Day 28 - Achieve

Today's Reverb 10 Prompt:

December 28 – Achieve

What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today.

(Author: Tara Sophia Mohr)

I'm not a big achievement driven person.  At all.  In fact, I'm quite possibly the least motivated by competition, winning, and achievement person that you'll ever meet.

It's why I generally hate games. (Among other things, anyway.)  I just don't care about the outcome.

That said, when I read this prompt, an answer immediately sprang to mind.

The thing I would most like to achieve in 2011 is to be admitted to nursing school.

That will hopefully happen either in the first week of 2011 (possibly requiring a miracle), or it will possibly happen in September.

I don't know, honestly, what I'll feel, when that happens, other than perhaps relief and joy.  And maybe some excitement.

And that combination of feelings, well, it's not one I really want to experience today, or every day, so the part of this prompt that suggested I brainstorm ways to replicate that feeling (can you replicate something that hasn't happened yet?) is the part of the prompt that I am going to ignore.

Reverb 10: Day 27 - Ordinary Joy

Today's Reverb 10 prompt:

December 27 – Ordinary Joy

Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?

(Author: Brené Brown)

Ordinary Joy.

It should be an easy theme for me.  It's basically what I make a list about each evening when I write the daily 5.  (In fact, today's daily 5 in my iphone, just waiting to be transferred to the blog, is filled with very ordinary joys from the last 24 hours or so.) 

Dictionary.com defines ordinary as, "of no special quality or interest; commonplace; unexceptional."

I thought quite a bit today about what moment I was going to use here tonight.

I have two.


The first is an afternoon spent in a bookstore.  It was only a few hours really.  A brief stop on a road trip home from Ontario, with my dad, and my baby brother and his wife of approximately two weeks.


Dad and I planned the stop before we ever left Calgary to drive in the opposite direction.  I had the address for this store written in my little notebook, so that Emily, the GPS lady, could guide us directly there.  It was the destination we set when we left my sister-in-law's childhood home and headed back towards our own city.


The store is basically a clearing house for seconds from two big Christian publishing houses - slightly damaged or off-kilter or slightly misprinted books, still perfectly good, but not saleable to retailers, sold for a pittance.  


It's heaven for a book lover, and my dad, brother and I were in bliss.  Dad and my brother were busy stocking up on commentaries for their professional libraries, while I happily searched shelves with the joyful ease of one who is convinced that heaven will look and smell like a bookstore.  We shared finds, bought a few duplicates, adding multiple volumes to each of our libraries, and just generally baffled my poor sister-in-law, who enjoys reading, but perhaps not to the same book nerdish extent of her new husband and some of his family members.  It was delightful.  Such a simple activity that it was ordinary, and completely out of the ordinary at the same time, since we likely won't be back in that place for a long time.


The other afternoon I'm thinking of happened in California in the fall.  After a full morning of church related activities, we spent the afternoon comfortably, in pajamas, sorting a giant bucket of the little metal monopoly tokens that had been given to my friend for sale in the Sunday school rewards store.  Basically, we spent the afternoon laughing, talking, taking turns picking questions to mutually answer from a book full of fascinating prompts.  It was perhaps one of my favorite parts of that trip, because it was simple.  We weren't touring around or doing anything extravagant or unique to that area, we were just getting to know each other better, enjoying each others company without pretense, resting, talking and laughing.


I suppose it's not all that ordinary to sort a giant bucket full of thousands of monopoly pieces, laughing and exclaiming over some of the stranger ones, and some of the funny ones, but the afternoon felt ordinary, natural, and beautiful.


And perhaps that's the key to ordinary joy.  It's certainly the key to the things that make my daily 5 lists night after night.  They are the things that may or may not happen regularly, but seem natural, and beautiful and carry smiles and laughter and joy within them.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 133

Today's Daily 5:

1. Wearing the fun new hoodie that my brother J and his girlfriend R gave me for Christmas
2. a few brief moments in worship at church this morning
3. getting to take communion as Christmas draws to a close and the new year grows close
4. I'm still doing the operation world daily prayer for a country, and loving it.
5. trying out the new nail art kit mom and dad gave me for Christmas on my toenails.  Let me tell you, I'm going to have some fun and professional looking toes from here on in!
6. magic bags (I'm fighting a cold, and having a hard time getting warm, and these have been fabulous)
7. the freedom to say no to a set of plans for the evening, in favor of recognizing what my desires and needs really were
8. a long hot bath, reading a novel
9. writing the reverb 10 post for today, and remembering some of the great food I've eaten this year
10. the simplicity of a chef salad for supper, after a few days of nothing but very rich foods.
11. catching up on my email inbox (now totally caught up!)
12. ordering a movie online that I can't wait to collect some friends to watch together
13. time with family, but also time alone.
14. smiling at mom's face when her family called her from their get together, just as their football team (they're from Wisconsin, guess which "cult" they're a part of?) won their game today
15. having a spot to curl up in mom and dad's basement for the evening, free from the pressures of my living situation at grandma's, and close to family, but still alone.

Reverb 10: Day 26 - Soul Food

Today's Reverb 10 Prompt:

December 26 – Soul Food

What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul?

(Author: Elise Marie Collins)

Anyone who reads my daily 5 lists on a regular basis knows that food has an amazing power to make me smile and that it often makes the list of things I'm thankful for.

That said, a couple of meals this year stand out.

I've had some pretty great food prepared by family members this year, including yesterday's turkey dinner.  (And I say that as someone who actually doesn't like turkey!)  I have a cousin who is training to be a chef, and the food he and his mom have been preparing for our family gatherings has been pretty incredible.  Yesterday's meal included appetizers, a soup course, a salad course, and then the main buffet dinner, and it was fantastic, particularly the spinach salad my cousin made.  So good.

I ate some "new" foods this year, including the "butter burger" from Culver's in Wisconsin and Minnesota.  My dad had been raving about that burger for a while, and I have to tell you, it was pretty tasty.

Some of my favorite food memories from this year involve friends, and the best of those happened during my trip to California.  One of the first things we did after I met my friend in the airport was go for lunch at the Old Spaghetti Factory.  My friend introduced me to a dish called Mizithra, and, well, I may have fallen in love.  (So in love that I was absolutely delighted to discover that I can get that particular delicacy here in Calgary, and that I found a friend who would indulge my tastes and meet me at Old Spaghetti Factory here for dinner!)  In California I also ate the best steak dinner I've ever had, some fantastic authentic Mexican food, and what was quite possibly the best cheesecake I've ever eaten (and I say that as someone who doesn't like cheesecake very much!)  Oh, and I almost forgot, but I had these crazy good chicken bite things for breakfast on the way to Disneyland.  I can't remember the name of the fast food place where we got them, but they were TASTY, and I've wished since that I could find them here.

And then, there's the comfort food category.  For me, that includes Almond Joy bars, Vietnamese, Subway, and Macdonalds.  Almond Joy bars fall into a unique category, because they can't be purchased in the part of Canada that I live in, so any Almond Joy in my possession is either purchased when I travel, or sent/delivered to me by friends who live in the United States, or travel there for work or pleasure.  The other three categories are simple, because I order the same things every time.  At Vietnamese restaurants I always order "bun" - rice vermicelli with veggies, pork, and spring rolls.  At Subway, it's always a turkey breast sub on honey oat bread, with lettuce, cucumber, sub sauce, sweet onion sauce, and light mayo.  At Macdonalds, it's some combination of a cheeseburger, fries, and mcnuggets.  These are the foods I eat when I want familiar and happy.

I love that taste has the ability to make me smile, and I look forward to meals, particularly when I can share those meals with the people who are dear to me.  There's something unique and beautiful about sharing fabulous food and conversation with loved ones that I can't quite put words to, except to say that it is fabulous, and I long for more of those moments.

Reverb 10: Day 25 - Photo

Today's Reverb 10 Prompt:

December 25 – Photo – a present to yourself

Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.

(Author: Tracey Clark)

I spent a few minutes scrolling through photos from the last year and realized that this was definitely a year where I spent a lot more time behind the camera than in front of it.  Since I find photography therapeutic, that's not really all that surprising, but it does make it interesting to try to find an image that best captures me from within the past year.

I narrowed it down to these three images.

A dear friend who I met in person because of this blog took the first shot.  It's taken at the beach at Coronado, and I love the smile that I'm wearing.  It's a smile that reflects the fact that I was resting, that this trip was an escape, to find joy and to pray.  I love the ocean and being near the ocean on a sunny day in early fall was just about perfect.  I also love that I'm wearing a scarf in this photo.  I wear them most days, and almost all of my scarves have a meaning or a place attached to them.  That particular scarf was a gift for my 27th birthday, and was purchased in Germany and mailed to me from the Czech Republic by my dear friend and former roommate, L.

The second photo was a self-portrait, taken in either Bragg Creek or Kananaskis, on a late fall day.  I was out hiking with my mom and her cousin, and I was happy.  I love being in the mountains, and as I recall, that day was particularly lovely.

The third portrait is also from California, and was taken by a mutual friend of myself and the other LP/CA, the friend I flew to California to meet.  I love that this photo shows a friendship that has been full of laughter, and that it showcases some very happy memories.  That particular day we attended a Moroccan Tea, and that tea is one of my favorite memories from that trip.

Reverb 10: Day 24 - Everything's Ok

Today's Reverb 10 Prompt:

December 24 Prompt – Everything’s OK

What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

(Author: Kate Inglis)

This has been such a year of nothing being "ok" that I don't think I can pick a moment, really, that proves the opposite.

But there have been moments of peace - walking into a hug at an airport in California.  The relief that came after following through for the first time on a decision I'd made.  The deep internal knowing that the path of choosing nursing has been confirmed in odd little ways that really only mean something to me.

Everything may not be okay, but I'm going to be.  Somehow I know that, even without a moment that can be pinpointed.  This has been a year of learning to trust that thing deep inside me, to trust Jesus with that.  And it's that trust that I want to carry forward into 2011.

Reverb 10: Day 23 - A New Name

Today's Reverb 10 prompt:

December 23 – New Name

Let’s meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why?

(Author: Becca Wilcott)

I've thought about this prompt off and on since it popped into my email inbox late last night.

My thoughts run in several directions.

There's the friend I once met who was a telephone information line operator.  They didn't use their real names, so she'd pick a new name for each day.  One day she would be Faye, and the next Kathy, and so on.  A new person, every day.

But the thought that is most prominent is that it's taken me an awfully long time to make peace with my name, and I don't think I'd change it.

My parents named me Lisa Christine.  They picked the name for it's meaning.  Lisa, a derivative of Elizabeth, means consecrated or dedicated to God.  Christine, quite simply, means "Christian."  It was a name they felt appropriate for their firstborn - "A Christian, consecrated (set apart) to God."

I hated that meaning for a lot of years.  It felt like a heavy burden, particularly during the many years as a teenager that I struggled with depression and wanted nothing so much as to escape as far as possible from the Christian upbringing that felt burdensome and lacking in joy.

It's hard to be the one questioning God when your day is a pastor and your parents decreed you a believer, set apart for God, from birth.  I felt like I was failing not only God, but disappointing my parents with my inability to live within the boundaries of my name.

It's only in the last couple of years that I've begun to see my name as the blessing my parents intended it to be.  Hopes and dreams for their child, spoken over me.  A blessing and prayer spoken each time they called my name.  In those years I've met Jesus deeply, and today I can truly declare that my heart's desire is indeed to be follower of Christ, set apart unto him.

Having finally made peace with that name, I don't think I'd change it.

Reverb 10: Day 22 - Travel

Today's Reverb 10 Prompt:

December 22 – Travel

How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year?

(Author: Tara Hunt)

This was actually a kind of slow travel year for me.

I made two trips.

The first was in May.  A cross country road trip with my dad, after unexpectedly losing my job, to attend the Ontario wedding reception for my brother and his wife, and see a friend.  The trip is pretty much a blur in my mind, hazy from the pain and shock of the sudden job loss.  I was moving through life pretty much shell-shocked, and I'm sure it showed.  On the way to Ontario, the conversation was pretty minimal.  I slept a lot.  Dad and I had one conversation the first night about the circumstances that had me accompanying him, and that was about it.  The rest of the conversation centered around whether or not we should keep driving, where we should stop for the night, and where we should eat.  The answer to where we would be eating while driving through Wisconsin or Minnesota, by the way, is Culvers, for a Butter Burger.  The answer to whether or not we should keep driving was almost always yes (we're sort of long-haul road trip fans, dad and I).  That answer actually led to us spending a night sleeping in our seats in the truck in a rest stop parking lot, after all the hotels in the small town where we'd decided to stop were filled up with people in town for a state-wide high school tennis tournament. 

The highlight of that trip was stopping at the Eerdman's Publishing House Clearance centre in Grand Rapids Michigan on the way home.  My brother and sister in law drove back home with Dad and I and I think my poor sister in law was wondering what she'd gotten herself into when she experienced three book nerds in a store that we would define as "heavenly".  The poor girl just kind of sat while the three of us went a little nuts shopping at extreme bargain prices, without the trouble of airplane luggage weight restrictions!

The second trip was to California, in mid September, to meet a friend in person for the first time, after a few years of conversing on my blog and by email.  I wrote about it quite extensively in several posts.  (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6)  That trip was also an escape, a chance to pause and pray and consider steps of healing and rebuilding.  It has very much shaped the way the months since then have played out, and I'm so incredibly thankful for that change of scenery and time with a dear friend.  I'm also still amazed that palm trees actually do grow outside!  I think in my head I really was convinced that it was all a photo-shopped marvel, and to see that they do exist was quite shocking to me, followed by a prompt falling in love.  I'm now convinced that my life will not be complete until I've lived for at least a period of time in a place where palm trees live outdoors!

As for travel and 2011, my dream travel year would be this:  A repeat visit (at least one!) to California.  Time in Europe with my dear friend and former roommate, L, who is now living over there, and then a stop in North Africa or maybe even the middle east.  South America remains on my list, but the timing for that doesn't seem right just yet.  So, if I could go anywhere this year (aside from California, which is the only one that might fit my budget!), it would be some European adventures with a friend and proven excellent traveling companion, and then some time in North Africa.

Reverb 10: Day 21 - Future Self

Today's Reverb 10 Prompt:

December 21 – Future Self.

Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?)

(Author: Jenny Blake)

Ugh.  I'm notoriously bad at the whole "what do you want life to look like five years from now" question.  I think I'm even less confident in my ability to answer that sort of question after spending 2010 watching the complete deconstruction of the answers I once would have given to those sorts of questions.

That said, the advice I'd give my current self for the year ahead is to just keep trusting.  To rest.  To be patient.  To continue to get better at allowing change to happen without the formerly obligatory meltdowns.  I'd advise me to study well, and put effort into school, because it will make a difference in the job I end up in, and the fulfillment of dreams.

It's a little easier to answer the question of what I'd say to myself five or ten years ago.  The big one would be to study a little harder that last semester of university.  Yes, the people you're supporting are important, but those grades are going to have an impact that you really can't imagine a few years down the road, and it would be worth it to study a bit harder.

I'd tell myself that it's okay to seek out joy, and live amidst that.  I'd tell myself that healing is coming in radical ways, and that I could probably speed the process up if I'd be a bit more willing to ask for help.  I'd tell myself to choose relationships that feed the soul instead of sapping energy from it.  I'd tell myself that the church I'm attending doesn't matter so much as whether or not God put it in my path.  I'd tell myself that some of the things coming wouldn't look anything like what I'd dreamed they would, but that the wounds they carried with them would eventually heal.  I'd tell myself to soak in the atmosphere in Europe, and not be so overwhelmed, to be joyful instead of afraid.  I'd tell myself to be gentle with myself, to have an opinion, to please people a little less and recognize my own needs a little bit more.  And I'd tell myself that I have time to learn all these things, and that it's okay if I don't get them right away.

Reverb 10: Day 20 - Beyond Avoidance

Today's Reverb 10 prompt:

December 20 – Beyond Avoidance.

What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)

(Author: Jake Nickell)

I have in the past been the self-dubbed queen of avoidance.  It's a particular skill of mine, avoidance.

But this year was not a year that it actually saw a lot of practice.

Circumstances made the things I would have rather avoided pretty much impossible to ignore.

I mean, when you lose a job you'd thought totally secure, the day after your baby brother's wedding, well, it has a way of forcing your hand.  That one forced the "stop and pray and listen to hear what direction to go next" thing that I'd been putting off for far too long.

My moving into grandma's house brought some, um, interesting family stuff to light.  No avoiding there either.  I was living in the middle of it.

And, this year I made a decision I'd been consciously avoiding for at least five years on one level or another.  I'm glad I made that decision, too.  (And yes, I am avoiding saying what that decision was!  A girl has to have some secrets to share in long skype conversations, or chats over coffee!)

All in all, I'd say it's actually been a year for the opposite of avoidance.

Weird for the self-declared queen.

But a good weird.

Maybe avoidance is a skill that is actually better off collecting dust.

Reverb 10: Day 19 - Healing

Today's Reverb 10 prompt:

December 19 – Healing.

What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?

(Author: Leonie Allan)

I feel like of all the prompts so far, this one should really be the easiest one for me to form an answer to.  I mean, I talk about healing, and my own journey of healing in this space on at least a weekly, if not a daily basis.   Healing in general, in all its forms, is one of my favorite topics of discussion, writing, and conversation.  And yet, I spent a good chunk of time today wondering how I was going to answer this because so much of the answer is still too deeply personal and internal to share in this public place where people I know, and people I don't show up and read each day.

Here's what I can say - healing came in unexpected forms and places this year.  It came in conscious choices.  It came mostly in the latter part of the year.

I have particularly found healing in some decisions I made after escaping to California in September.  The complete change of scenery gave me the mental, emotional and spiritual space to re-evaluate many things and make decisions about moving forward.  I made conscious choices to involve some others in my journey of healing.  To seek help where I needed it, and to draw a very unexpected group of people around me to pray and love and support me as I sought to heal.  I found incredible healing in discovering that the messyness of life was known by these people, and that I was deeply loved for who I am, and not for what I contribute.  I found healing in conversations and prayer, and a continual commitment to seek it out.

I have found healing in the job I'm working at right now.  It was another unexpected God thing - He knew before I did that I really needed to be employed for these six weeks, and not trying to fill time at home.  I think He knew, too, long before I discovered it, that I needed to be working for a Christian organization that really does put God at the center of what they're doing.  An organization that seeks to live out the scriptures that talk about feeding and clothing, and about doing justice and loving mercy and walking humbly with God.  After so many years in the position I lost, in a place where in some ways the faith label was just there to garner business, and a lifetime as a pastor's kid, I have found it healing to live in a place where a love for God really is something that is lived out and plays out all around me each and every day.

Honestly, as 2011 comes, I pray that the healing that has begun in 2010 continues.  That it comes in ways that surprise me, like this job, and that it comes in those same relationships and choices that have also blessed me.

Reverb 10: Day 18 - Try

Today's Reverb 10 Prompt:

December 18 – Try

What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it?

(Author: Kaileen Elise)

My list of goals for 2010 was completely and entirely derailed.  Life took crazy turn after crazy turn, and I didn't manage to complete almost anything on that list, including things like trying 2 new recipes a month, taking a real yoga class, oh, and seeing U2 live.

Next year I want to try to live deeply and fully - whatever twists life brings.

I want to settle into a new place.

I want to try cooking new things, and maybe even eating a few new things.  (Scallops, I'm going to try scallops.)

I still want to try taking a yoga class live and in person, instead of the video workouts I use.

So basically what I'm saying is that I want a "do over" on 2010's list of things to try.

I want to be more aware of my own needs.  That's a big thing for me to try to work on.

Oh, and I want to try to see U2 live.  That concert from 2010 that didn't happen has technically been rescheduled for 2011, so barring Bono having more unexpected back surgery, or more crazy life twists in my life, in 2011 I want to see U2 live in concert.