A Minor Meltdown: Begin Again

I had a minor meltdown on Friday night, just before I needed to leave for my work shift.

The combination of some very heavy school deadlines, all the demands of a bachelorette party and wedding for my brother and his now wife, juggling church and social obligations, and adding a new job with new hours and some very heavy demands on my emotional energy to the mix didn't play well. When you combine that with burning a candle at both ends to make sure all of those things stayed relatively managed, the result isn't pretty.

It looks like several weeks of eating poorly, exercising minimally, and forgetting to take vitamins and supplements.  It looks like minimal sleep, and way more people intensive commitments than my introverted nature can comfortable juggle.  And ultimately it looks like collapsing into tears in my parent's living room as I head out the door to an emotionally demanding, physically draining late night shift at work.

And so, this week, with the pressure of several of those demands either temporarily or permanently slaked, I'm thinking about what it looks like to begin again.

To offer myself grace for the thousands of self-care missteps I've made through choice or necessity over the last three weeks, and begin to treat myself kindly again.  To eat more vegetables and less cookies.  To schedule time for winding down back into my nightly routine.  To go back to taking vitamins.  To walk or do yoga or hike.  To say no to some people commitments, and yes to the ones that really feed my soul.  To read, to write, to trust.

I'm going to loosely quote Anne Shirley again, one of my all-time favorite lines from literature.  "I'm so glad that tomorrow is another day with no mistakes in it yet."

After a minor meltdown, I'm beginning again.

Self Care, Holy Week, and Difficult People

How's that for a post title?

It's all I could think of as I sit here to start writing.

Those are the three topics on my mind today - self care, the arrival of Holy Week, and dealing with challenging people.

I spent most of my usual Sunday morning sabbath yesterday sleeping, and then emerged to enjoy an hour or so of quiet, curled up in an armchair in my parent's living room, enjoying the sun.  Because the last few weeks of school have been so incredibly challenging, I am in some ways quite aware of the need to increase my efforts at self-care.  I am reminding myself of ways to be gentle with myself.  I'm working to be aware of my own self-talk.  I'm increasing my effort to focus on finding things that need to be on my daily five lists at the end of the day.  I'm reading articles that remind me of these truths, and am conscious of the need to build time into my week for silence, and time with the friends who fill me instead of drain me.  I'm thinking about things like scheduling - the need for me to be aware of my schedule, and to bring some semblance of order and control to it, rather than to let it be something that just happens to me.  School gets to rule my life from 8:00-4:00 Tuesday-Friday, but I choose whether it controls the time outside of that, and I'm unwilling to let it have all of me.  That means I need to be diligent about scheduling and about time usage, so that I can have the time that I need for silence and rest.

And this is Holy Week - the most important week of the year if you believe in Jesus.  I'm more aware than ever this week of the need for school to not consume all of who I am.  This week of all weeks, there needs to be time and space for me to be in quiet, with Jesus.  To rest into that.  To meditate and contemplate the enormity of what it is that this week commemorates.  A number of years back, the most profound understanding of Christ's sacrifice that I've ever had came as I sat in a Catholic Palm Sunday mass.  It was profound, and I find myself revisiting and resting in that experience each year.  I need the space to do that this week - to set aside the myriad of stressors that school has held lately - to set aside the stressors I know it will hold in the coming week - and to rest into this chance to sit with Christ.  To walk the journey towards the cross, and then towards resurrection.  I'm thankful that the university doesn't schedule classes on Good Friday - that that day at least, I will be able to rest and pray and meditate quietly.

I suppose it is the challenge of interacting with people who could at times be termed "difficult" that has me so aware of the need for self-care, and the need, this week especially, to be conscious of carving out space for the things that are so much more important to the length and breadth of my life than school.  The challenges of hours and hours of group work remain immense, and the existence of varying personalities plays into that.  Even as I read and remind myself of coping techniques for "dealing with difficult people", I remind myself that I can only be accountable for my own actions and attitudes.  That how I respond is more important for me to be aware of than the challenges presented by the attitudes of others.  I don't get to control the universe (which I laughingly add is a pity - I think I'd be good at it!).  I do get to control ME.  Which means I need to choose joy and peace and kindness, even when I don't feel like it.  It means that yes, I'm aware of all the underlying currents in the room.  Yes, I feel those currents in a physical way.  And yes, that means it's that much harder for me to set them aside, that much harder for me to not be overwhelmed by them.  But I have choices.  I can choose where I focus.  I can choose what I believe I'm responsible for - I need to choose to remember that I'm only responsible for myself.  It's really easy to write those statements on a day when I don't have to go to school and spend 8 hours in a challenging atmosphere that is at times physically painful to me - almost oppressively so.  And I suppose that's why I'm thinking so much about self-care today.  I am better at choosing how those atmospheres affect me when I am making the time to meet my own needs.  I am more resilient when I have paid attention to being gentle with myself. And in Holy Week, particularly, I need that.

So I'm thinking today about self-care, Holy Week, and difficult people, and how, for me, those three things are inextricably linked this year.

Self-Care Inspiration

Okay y'all - I need some help!

I'm in need of your brilliance.  I'm recognizing a need to do better at self-care again, and I need some inspiration.

What are your favorite ways to engage in self-care?

And perhaps more importantly, what are your favorite self-care ideas that cost $10 or less?

Share your brilliance in the comments so that all of us can benefit!

Sunday's are for Resting

Yes, yesterday finished slowly.

But I ended up spending a great deal of it feeling fairly ill, as some health stuff that flares up occasionally flared.

I cooked a fabulous new dish, part of my goal to make at least 12 over the course of the year, and ended up barely being able to eat any of it.

A long treatment from mom left me feeling a bit better, and I headed towards bed.  The bonus is that for the first time in several days, I slept fairly well.

And so, today is mostly for resting.

I haven't changed out of my pajamas yet. I'll get up in a while and shower.

I'm working on some things that need to be accomplished, but I'm doing them from a chair, watching Top Chef, wrapped in a blanket, and with magic bags across my sore hips and neck.

So I'm resting.  Because today, caring for me, letting myself heal, looks like rest.

Feel Good

In last night's daily 5, I mentioned that I'd marked an item off of my to do list that had been sitting there for literally months.

Ages ago I came across this fabulous "Feel Good" list from UpUp Creative.  I loved everything about it, and especially the story behind how it helped the creator overcome postpartum depression.  I was broke at the time I first spotted it, and life wasn't quite as challenging as it has been for most of the last year, so I didn't place an immediate order.

Months ago I decided that I wanted to either make my own version of this list, or order one, and it sat on my mental to do list through all of the hard stuff that life has thrown at me for the past year.

Finally, when it became clear that my one little word for 2011 would be heal, I decided I needed a fun way to keep track of whether or not I was taking time to care for myself and make self-care a priority, and the feel good list came to mind.

A couple days ago I got in touch with the creator of the list to place an order, yesterday I filled out the form, and later last night my custom list was returned to me.  I'm not going to share the items here - I used some of my own, and some of the creator's and I can't wait to press the list into use starting Sunday.  For me this is a way to mark moments of healing and taking time to care for myself.  To chronicle my weeks through the remainder of this year and beyond.  Hooray for self-care and healing!

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 133

Today's Daily 5:

1. Wearing the fun new hoodie that my brother J and his girlfriend R gave me for Christmas
2. a few brief moments in worship at church this morning
3. getting to take communion as Christmas draws to a close and the new year grows close
4. I'm still doing the operation world daily prayer for a country, and loving it.
5. trying out the new nail art kit mom and dad gave me for Christmas on my toenails.  Let me tell you, I'm going to have some fun and professional looking toes from here on in!
6. magic bags (I'm fighting a cold, and having a hard time getting warm, and these have been fabulous)
7. the freedom to say no to a set of plans for the evening, in favor of recognizing what my desires and needs really were
8. a long hot bath, reading a novel
9. writing the reverb 10 post for today, and remembering some of the great food I've eaten this year
10. the simplicity of a chef salad for supper, after a few days of nothing but very rich foods.
11. catching up on my email inbox (now totally caught up!)
12. ordering a movie online that I can't wait to collect some friends to watch together
13. time with family, but also time alone.
14. smiling at mom's face when her family called her from their get together, just as their football team (they're from Wisconsin, guess which "cult" they're a part of?) won their game today
15. having a spot to curl up in mom and dad's basement for the evening, free from the pressures of my living situation at grandma's, and close to family, but still alone.

Seeing Myself

This was today's Garfield cartoon.  It made me smile, and then pause to reflect just a little.  Because I haven't always been a big fan of myself.  In fact, it's something I still struggle with.  Just before I turned 25, a dear friend and I were talking about self care, and self image, and seeing oneself as the creation of God, and she assigned a task to me.  She asked me to make a list of 25 Things I Love About Myself.  Not things that connected to other people, but things that were actually about me.  The very idea made me cringe.  I finally sat down one Sunday afternoon a few months before my 26th birthday to complete the task she'd been strategically reminding me of all year.  If I'm being totally honest, I completed it partly because she told me I owed her an extra item for each birthday that passed before I completed the list, and the idea of needing even one more item when 25 was so hard was daunting.

I won't share the list here, as it's rather personal, but the excercise forced me to look at myself just a little bit differently.  To celebrate little things that are unique to the way God created me.  It's an ongoing process, and I was reminded of that process, of the progress that's been made, and the distance left to come as I read this cartoon this morning.  I think I'm going to print the cartoon out and stick it up on my wall at work, and at home, as an ongoing reminder that the quest to see differently includes seeing myself differently.

Slightly Recovered

I'm doing slightly better than this morning.

Emails and comments from a few friends brought smiles.

The roses that are still hanging in there on my desk helped.

Booking a pre-wedding manicure and pedicure for Saturday helped.

A sandwich for lunch full of this beef filling that my mom makes, and I rarely get these days helped.  (My mom gave me a container of the filling last night.)

Settling into a few tasks at the office helped too.

I'm still tired, still distracted, still feeling a bit overwhelmed by the curve-balls of life.

But I'm doing slightly better.

And for that, I'm thankful.

Be Gentle with Yourself

Yesterday, after I'd shared the nightmare I woke from with a dear friend, one of her pieces of advice was to be gentle with myself physically.  That, for me, is a helpful reminder.  It seems like common sense.  I'd been denied several hours of sleep, and gone through an adrenaline rushing, emotionally challenging experience - why wouldn't I care for myself.  But, because sleep issues and even dreams are so often a part of my reality, I forget that sometimes it's okay to give myself a little bit extra grace.

I tried to do that yesterday. 

It was, quite honestly, a pretty hard day.  Even now, if I close my eyes and let it, the images and physicality of the dream return.  The strange newness of a series of themes that have long been a part of my dream life.  Their invasion from neutral space into very personal space.

I tried to focus on other things.

I took the advice of my friend, and prayed through some specific scriptures.  Especially Psalm 91.  I giggled when I emailed her later in the day to say that a passage from Acts had been coming to mind each time I prayed Psalm 91, and she wrote back to say that she'd also had that passage on her heart after hearing my dream, but hadn't shared it with me.

I ate red meat.  That doesn't seem like much, but I don't actually eat a whole lot of red meat, and it's one of the things that sticks out from yesterday as a "thing done right".  I've always preferred chicken to beef.  But, when my body is depleted, when I'm physically exhausted, I tend to crave red meat.  Steak preferably, or maybe a really good burger.  So, last night, in my exhausted state, I sat in a pub with a friend, staring at the menu, debating options, and asked my stomach whether it would prefer chicken or steak.  The resounding answer was steak.  Which, in combination with the tomato-meat sauce over pasta that I had for lunch yesterday, means I had two full meals with red meat and hearty proteins.

I worked not to indulge in sugar, and continue to fight the cycle of feeding stress and exhaustion with chocolate, and then having an even worse energy crash when the sugar high bottoms out.

I still have my car for a few more days, but I looked at the weather forecast for today and gave myself permission not to drive last night.  We're having snow and icy rain again, and I didn't want to drive in that last night, or this morning.  So I left my car where it was parked at my parent's house, and took the bus home from the train station last night, and the bus to the train station this morning.

I gave myself permission not to freak out over the things left undone on my "to do" list for the day.  Because there were quite a few.   Not only because I was so drained, but because I had plans to meet a friend that would take some time.   I'm sort of task oriented, and I get great satisfaction from checking items off my list. But last night that just didn't really happen.

When I got home earlier than expected, that, too, was a gift, giving me time to quiet myself and pray through my bedroom, to calm myself and find God's peace in such a way that I wasn't afraid to close my eyes and try again for sleep.  And it was definitely better to use the time for that than for checking items off a list.

For those of you who prayed last night, thank you.  I slept a bit better.  I still woke around 4:30, and only sort of dozed after that, but I didn't have a repeat nightmare.  Unless you've had these sorts of nightmares, I'm not sure you can fully understand how much of a gift of grace and blessing that really is.  I'm still tired, still drained, but I see light.  There are good things happening as this week progresses.

I came across this quote on Kelle's blog the other day, and it's what I'm aiming for as this week and life carries on:

"I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit."

-Dawna Markova

Daily 5 - Day 243

Today's Daily 5:

1. Crossed the first hurdle in the process of insuring the car I bought, and the rates are actually quite reasonable for the moment.
2. Egg rolls for supper.
3. Chocolate cream pie.
4. Did payroll on my own, without my boss, at work today.  Proud of that.
5. painted my fingernails and toenails.

Daily 5 - Day 228

Today's Daily 5:

1. Zoo Trip.
2. Thankful for praying friends and encouragement from them.
3. Thankful for a dear friend who instinctively knew, upon reading an email, what most would not, just how very hard it was to open that part of my life to a number of people.  Her knowing that meant so much more than just hearing that she was praying for the situation the email discussed (though that is a very special thing to hear as well.)
4. A hamburger from one of my favorite fast food places for lunch
5. Picked up a new audio book at the library - excited about this one
6. Did a bit of walking in the (rather windy) spring day of Palm Sunday
7. Actually slept a bit last night, without nightmares
8. Within striking distance of actually finishing the book I've been sort of slogging through reading
9. Got some photos printed - a deal on 5x7 prints.  They turned out beautifully.
10. Doing some little, self-care things, like painting my toenails and using a facial masque for my skin.

Daily 5 - Day 189

Today's Daily 5:

1. Ash Wednesday, and all that entails.
2. listened to some great new music
3. the snow falling was beautiful (even if walking in it wasn't quite so lovely)
4. laughing and chatting with my hairdresser
5. love having my hair cut and styled again - I haven't been able to lift my arm/shoulder long enough to style it myself since the accident, so it's great to have it done again.
6. Bourbon Street Grill for supper
7. Bought a top, a scarf, two pairs of earrings, and a necklace at my favorite shop on clearance for a grand total of $23.
8. Got a couple of chapters read in the book I'm working on currently
9. Found new mittens for $2, also on clearance
10. already booked my next hair appointment.  love that I don't have to remember late next month to call, and then just hope to get in.  It's booked, and next time we're going to do a bunch of highlights again too - just in time for the wedding!

Daily 5 - Day 177

Today's Daily 5:

1. Friday!
2. Got through a ton of "to dos" without rushing around or feeling stressed tonight
3. Freshly painted finger and toe nails
4. Watching Jesus Culture conference from the comforts of my bed for much of the evening - loved the worship!
5. Crawling into freshly washed sheets
6. Did a budget update, to reflect the unexpected year end bonus from work that I got.  It's nice to have that blessing.
7. Finished another audio book on my way home today - I really liked this one.  I'll probably post about it in the next day or two.
8. Thankful that even on a day with hard memories again, this year I'm seeing the places where my heart is healing
9. Listened to a great sermon on my commute today too.  There's something about someone who lives with integrity preaching the love of Christ that always stops me in my tracks.
10. A candle lit in my oil burner all evening.

Half-Way

So, I'm about half-way through the work day.

I'm wishing I had one of those funny, squishy, horse-shoe shaped pillows that you stick around your neck.

I'm also wishing that I'd brought the makeshift sling that I used last week to work with me again today.

But, I've gotten a few things done.

I can tell that my body and my emotions are not recovered yet.  My body hurts, and everything right now makes me want to cry.  It's partly exhaustion, and partly the accident.

So.

Lunch hour comes soon.

And then a few more hours of work.

And then I get to go home.

When I get there, I'll make dinner, wash a few dishes, and then I'm pretty much planning on crawling straight into bed.  This may just have to be my grace week in terms of moving preparations.  Next week I'll get busy, but I think this week may just be one where I need to take it a bit easy.  And that's okay too.  Because the idea really is that I care for myself properly.  I'm trying to make that a priority these days, because it's not something I've always been good at.  But it is something I'm committed to being better at.  So I'll rest in bed after the few necessary tasks are done.

Daily 5 - Day 162

Today's Daily 5:

1. Eating together as a house group - how fun to share a meal we'd all contributed to, and laugh and talk while enjoying it with some nice wine.
2. A long conversation with S. a new friend.  It was special for me to have the chance to share some of the story of the challenging last two years of my life to someone who chose to simply listen attentively.  I was really grateful for that actually.
3. now have replacement glass water bottles for the two original flawed ones.
4. Thinking about a line from an audio book I've been listening to, a mother speaking to her daughter, "you deserve to love yourself."  Thinking about the conversations similar to that where a dear friend has spoken those things to me.  Realizing that I'm slowly falling in love with life again, and that I'm beginning to feel excited about the person that I've become and am becoming in the midst of these difficult years.
5. Thankful that in a week that has presented a few health challenges, I've been able to manage a relatively busy schedule without the complete exhaustion and emotional collapse that has sometimes happened.  Yes, I'm exhausted, but I'm hopeful and peaceful.  That is progress.  It's small, but for me, tonight, worth celebrating.
   

Daily 5 - Day 158

Today's Daily 5:

1. A slow Sunday
2. Grocery shopping is done for the week - I asked my roommate if we could please do this today, so that I can free up an evening this week, recognizing that I need to have a bit of down time this week.
3. Used a kit and made tandoori beef and basmati rice tonight.  It was actually pretty tasty.  Indian food can be totally hit and miss for me.  I tend to really like the idea of it, and then sit down to eat it and realize that while I love the idea, and even some of the smells, I don't always love the taste.  It was nice to have the idea and the taste mesh tonight.  Plus, the kit was a bonus points item at Sobeys yesterday.  About $4 for the kit, and I got 40 bonus points, which translates to 20 aeroplan miles.  (Have I mentioned I'm eager to travel again???)
4. Yoga.  I was in the midst of a downward funk this morning and needed to do something to distract myself.  I chose to do a yoga workout and then take a long shower.  It helped.
5. Finishing a book.  I mentioned that in my previous post, but I've been reading this particular book off and on for a number of months and it was sort of a goal for the weekend to finish it up.  I was really pleased to accomplish that goal, and also that the book really did remind me to continue thinking joyfully and choosing differently.
6. Playing the worship service from a church I follow online while I worked in the kitchen tonight.  Love that the internet lets me have church come to my kitchen.
7. Did a crossword puzzle online.  Love the challenge of sorting out words.  I feel like it's good for reawakening my mental capacities.
8. I actually had a very productive day, and still managed to rest.
9. Painting my fingernails and toenails.
10. A clean bedroom for the coming week.
11. (bonus!) The scent of lavender from my oil burner.  I've been burning it in large doses lately, and loving how beautiful my bedroom has been smelling because of it.
    

Daily 5 - Day 138

Today's Daily "5":

1. Sleeping late, and having a slow, lazy morning
2. picking out a hair straightener (I apparently got rid of my old one the last time we moved, and needed one now that my hair is shorter again) that didn't seem to be on sale and getting to the cashier and discovering it was on sale for a very good price.
3. massage appointment
4. bumping into T. at the library (we were at the same branch, independently, and I just happened to run into him there), and chatting for a few minutes
5. coming home from the library with some interesting potential reads
6. manicure/pedicure - probably won't return to this particular nail salon, but enjoyed soaking my feet, and having someone else pamper me a bit.
7. bacon and peas pasta dish for dinner
8. my own home-made jam drop cookies
9. chatting with a dear friend for a while tonight
10. making some progress on my "to do" list for the week, and feeling good about what I've accomplished today.
    

Haircut!

Can I just say that I LOVE my hairdresser?  And that I love that I have good hair again right before Christmas.  (Though it'll never be this straight again until the next time I get it cut!)  Six months is definitely too long to go between cuts with my super thick wavy hair.  I've got to stop doing that!