Daily 5 - Day 295

Today's Daily 5:

1. I bought decent walking shoes tonight.  With this new life reality of taking transit everywhere, I've been doing a lot of walking.  I've been doing even more walking than usual this week because of the location of where I'm house sitting, and I've noticed that my favored shoes just aren't cutting it.  My feet and knees HURT.  I've had problems with the tendons in my feet and calves since high school, and bad shoes are definitely not helping with all this extra walking.  So, tonight I caved and spent money, even though spending money when I'm not employed kind of makes me want to throw up.  My mom talked me into buying shoes, reminding me that it would be a better idea to buy shoes sooner than later so that I don't damage the tendons and muscles and bones while I'm busy walking all over the city in bad shoes, and she even offered to drive me to the shop where I could buy appropriate shoes for a decent price.  I'll wear the shoes around indoors for a day or two to make sure they're going to work, but I'm optimistic that this pair will be the one I'll keep, and they were quite a bit less than I would have been ultimately willing to spend.
2. I spent some more time dreaming about the future, and what I want to do with my life today.  A plan is slowly taking shape within me.  Something that somehow just feels right.
3. Errands with my mom tonight, and dinner with both of my parents helped a bit with the feeling of spending too much time alone with my thoughts and not having enough human interaction.
4. I again managed to send off quite a few resumes, and I have some ideas on tap for where else I want to send some over the next several days/week.
5. I've only slept at my grandma's house once in the last three weeks or so.  I realized today that I'm starting to miss my own bed, but that I'm not at all missing that location.  I've not had nightmares in all these other places I've stayed.  And, to some extent, the fact that I've flexibly stayed and slept in a whole variety of other locations over the last three weeks is encouraging to me.  I used to only be able to sleep in my own bed in my own room.  In the last three weeks I've slept in an SUV parked at a highway rest stop, at my parents house, three different hotels - including one very bad hotel cot, on a couch at the home my sister in law grew up in, at a relative's house, in the place where I'm house sitting, and at a friend of a friend's.  And I've actually slept, not just laid awake all night, in each of those locations.  That's a miracle to me, and a huge growth thing for me to acknowledge, and celebrate.

Daily 5 - Day 226

Today's Daily 5:

1. Jeans at work
2. Friday
3. ordered shoes online for the bridesmaid dress
4. have a friend who is willing to do my taxes for me
5. getting a tax refund this year (even if it does seem little after all those years of tuition carryforwards)
6. T's choir concert tonight was good
7. got my money back for the shoes that won't work
8. An almond joy bar - much needed solace after a long cry tonight
9. plans I think I'll enjoy for tomorrow
10. Nelly - my longest standing "friend" - a teddy bear that has been with me since birth, and gives great hugs on the really rough days.

Finally Friday

It's finally Friday.

There are only 7 hours left until the weekend officially starts for me.  And one of those hours is my lunch break.

I'm really tired this morning after what is now basically a full week of sleepless nights.  I have a headache, and I'm struggling not to be in a really grumpy mood.

So, here are some good things I'm trying to focus on:

• Last night at house church I spent probably an hour sitting next to and/or holding a very cute young man named Morgan.  Morgan is seven months old, with very blond hair that makes him look kind of bald, has huge cute eyes and an infectious smile.  He thinks I'm great because I always have something on my clothing that tastes good, and, as long as I know the clothing is clean, I'm pretty laid back about letting him chew on it.  Last night he thought that my velcro watch band was particularly tasty, but he also really liked the strings on my hoodie, my bracelet, and my glasses (didn't let him slobber on those, though!).
• I've had a bridesmaid shoe dillemma for the last couple of days that I've been sort of obsessing about.  So much so that the idea of shopping for shoes, which I usually LOVE, was seeming like an overwhelming chore.  I think I solved that problem today.  I ordered these, online.  Not only do they fit all the criteria I needed (patent shiny leather, low heel, closed toe), they also fit my personal criteria (not too pointy a toe, something I might actually wear again, good price).  Got to clearance bargains, and right now I'm also loving the relief that comes from being fairly certain that I've solved this particular problem, or at least that I don't have to think about it until these arrive and I can see if they work.
• I'm wearing jeans at work.
• I'm going to my brother's final spring choir concert tonight (this is his last year in choir.)
• I will have the house to myself all day tomorrow, and I've got plans to attack the last of the unpacking and organizing.

Ok.  I'm going to try and focus on those things.

And with that, I'm off to tackle another crazy day at work.

Waiting

It's funny how it goes.

I feel like the Lord has me in a season of waiting. Not a passive thing, where I just sit there, and he's silent. More of an active thing, where he's definitely speaking in various ways, where my emotions are churning and processing is happening in a wild sort of way.

I had a dream last week about shoes. Shoes often speak about transition for me - they've been a symbol of that for much of the last few years. And ever since the dream, I haven't been able to get the following lyric from a gospel song by High Valley out of my head "You don't wear your old shoes on your brand new feet..."

So I'm waiting. Because I think changes are coming again. In more than just the typical transitions that have marked June/July for the last few years. More than just moving, and a game of musical roommates. I'm hoping and praying that a new season is truly coming.

For the first time in a while, as I drove to work this morning, I found myself praying aloud. Making my "requests and petitions known to God." Prayers for myself, and for some I love. Prayers for the changes I feel happening within me. Prayers for blessing - even for those I struggle with (at one point I found myself telling God that I knew what I was asking was a bit of a selfish prayer, but would he translate the words because I genuinely desired to pray blessing from a heart that is right before him.)

As I climbed out of my car at the office, I "heard" again the scripture that goes, "See, I am doing a new thing, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert, and streams in the wasteland."

And my heart lept, just a little, in that cautious way it does after a long and bleak season, when it seems that hope may be presenting itself again. "Yes, Lord, I'm longing for that new season, for a way in the desert and streams where there is only barrenness."

I'm thinking too, about the line from Hosea, where the Lord speaks and says, "I will make the valley of trouble a door of hope."

I'm waiting and looking for doors and new things. And praying the same for many that my heart holds dear.