Daily 5 - Day 274

Today's Daily 5:

1. Wearing my twirling skirt
2. Sunny weather
3. a good conversation with my dad
4. laughing with one of the other bridesmaids at the rehearsal dinner
5. seeing T's smile

Daily 5 - Day 252

Today's Daily 5:

1. Coffee with a new friend today.  I love telling Jesus stories and this was a coffee (albeit one that was too short) full of them.
2. Back at house church tonight for the first time in about three weeks.  It was so good to be back.
3. laughing, eating, talking, sharing, and praying for and with each other
4. cuddling a baby
5. wearing my twirling skirt today
6. clean bill of health at the eye doctor (and I get to shop for new glasses!)
7. Having the freedom of a car to get myself to and from my appointment and house church and coffee date today
8. feeling like I am a welcome part of a community of believers again
9. Rob Bell teaching.  Really any Rob Bell teaching.
10. Filtered water.  I know I write this a lot, but I find myself incredibly thankful to have pure, healthy water readily available for drinking.

On my mind

This, will, I promise, be an entirely random collection of things that I'm currently thinking about.

• I'm wearing my "twirling skirt" today.  Because it just seemed like just the right outfit for today.  And because yesterday I felt like dancing.  This skirt always makes me want to dance.  And it's colorful and happy, so that helps too.
• My life for the next three weeks is rapidly becoming consumed with wedding details as T & L's big day draws closer.  They asked me to help out with another task last night - this time coordinating the slideshow for their wedding reception.  I was happy to agree, but as I was staring at my calendar, I was left trying to figure out where on earth the stuff of daily life is supposed to fit in as I navigate some medical appointments scheduled months ago, long before T & L's engagement, some appointments for the wedding - hair and so forth, and the just general busyness that comes from working full time and trying to be involved in a church community.
• All this wedding stuff is throwing me for a loop, too.  Much like when I was living in the midst of wedding central last year, I'm finding it far more challening to be content with my own single status.  And that's saying something, because I've got to be the most happily single person I've ever met.  But sometimes, all this wedding stuff can just make you lonely.  Don't get me wrong - I'd love to meet a guy and get married.  But loneliness is not something that's mostly on my radar.  At least not that kind of loneliness.  Lately, though, it has been a bit more.
• I'm working through my dislike of change, too, and being challenged by what's appearing in my life, in part because of this wedding.  Because this is a positive change in the life of our family.  It's a gain, not a loss.  And yet, I find myself having a hard time, sometimes, with the incredible way the face of our family will change with the marriage of the first sibling.  And I find myself challenged by how resistant I am feeling internally towards this change.  Especially since it's a change I'm in so many ways delighted by.  One that I know is not a negative thing.  It's odd to see my fears surfacing in this way.
• I'm debating whether or not I'll be able to attend an upcoming retreat with the house churches I'm a part of.  I really want to go.  The topic is one that I'd love to participate in.  But the retreat is the weekend right before the wedding.  And it's also over Mother's Day.  And with my various wedding related responsibilites, and the addition of Mother's Day, I'm kind of feeling like I need to hang out in Calgary instead of going away.  And while I know that that won't be wasted time, it makes me just a little bit grumpy to set aside what I really want for the sake of my family.  (Boy, this post is making me sound like a selfish jerk.)
• I'm still trying to navigate a very difficult living situation as well.  Life at Grandma's is incredibly challenging, and inconsistent, and that means that I am fighting in a huge way to find my place of rest internally, and not have it tied to a place or thing.  At the same time, I really miss some of the freedoms of having my own apartment.  Freedoms in cooking and cleaning.  And especially the freedom to invite friends over and feed them.  I'm sure that Grandma would be fine with me doing this, but I'm also certain that it would be a very bad idea.  Cooking a nice meal is a real challenge, and we'd need to eat it upstairs, as my space downstairs wouldn't accomodate eating or visiting.  And eating upstairs is a problem, because Grandma is there.  I love my grandmother, but she's the most nosy, talkative person on the planet, and having a genuine conversation with a friend in her presence would be impossible.

So, those are the things I'm thinking about today, among others, anyway.

Life feels big and crazy these days.  Not necessarily overwhelming, but like it's spinning fast, and bordering on out of control.  Like one of those jugglers who's doing really well and then, well, he adds that one last ball and drops everything.  I keep wondering what the last ball will be.

And in the midst of this I'm trying to let Jesus teach me lessons of peace.  Of really seeing people.  Of living joyfully.  Of resting, even in the midst of the storms.  They're pretty challenging lessons, to go with a pretty challening life.

I'm Going to Be Her Again

I've written about twirling before. Here and here.

It holds a certain promise of freedom for me. These days I twirl occasionally... it's actually begun to happen, but it rarely happens unembarrassed and unencumbered, and in any sort of location where it can be witnessed.

The photo above is sort of an exception. In a public park, with two friends watching, I spun, because I was joyful and peaceful and free, and it just bubbled out of me.

A lot has happened in the two weeks or so since that photo was taken. A lot of hard internal stuff, and I've stared at that picture a lot, treasuring the memory, and wishing I was still in that space.

Today didn't go as planned. I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do about a number of things. I'm disappointed in some ways, and hurting.

But just now I decided that whatever it takes, I'm going to be that girl in the picture again. I'm going to inhabit her skin permanently. I'm going to live unencumbered.

I have a sneaking suspicion it won't be an easy or pleasant process. I'm guessing it's probably going to be pretty ugly and painful and hard. And I'm pretty terrified of that quite frankly.

But I like her. And I don't often say that about anything to do with myself. So I'll do whatever it takes to live in her skin, in MY skin, permanently.

Beautiful...

I came across the above image here tonight. And this other image as well.

They touched me deeply, and stirred longings within me.

I'm waiting for spring and freedom and twirling to come again.

My soul, and my feet feel weighted down.

But I'm praying they will again dance for joy.

Things they don't tell you (freedom)

I spend a lot of time amazed at the things about life that no one bothers to tell you.

I wrote once on this blog about how I'd been having conversations with God about what freedom would look like, and he showed me a picture of myself in a beautiful skirt - a twirling skirt - spinning in a meadow.

Freedom is a word that's talked about a lot in the circles I hang out in. It's a great concept, and wonderful when it's been achieved.

But can I just say that I've never really heard it mentioned that it's a lot of hard work to get to. That it takes a lot of fighting and tears and hurt. A lot of gross moments of pulling things into the light and letting them be seen in all their disgustingness. A lot of struggle. A lot of moments when you're absolutely certain that nothing could be worth the price of what you're going through.

No one tells you that part.

No one tells you that freedom is rarely instantaneous.

No one tells you that often, when the Lord offers it, it still means you have to walk through all the shit to get to it. That you don't just sort of get airlifted over all the built up crap to the place of freedom, but that you have to negotiate your way over and around and through the crap to get there.

No one tells you that you might actually get there sometimes, and be so exhausted from the trip that you don't even realize you've temporarily arrived, and that you certainly don't have the energy to appreciate it.

It's an awfully beautiful thing, freedom, but no one tells you the cost.

I've been recognizing the cost again this weekend.

And maybe tomorrow I'll put on my twirling skirt and spin just a little to celebrate. But just at this moment, I'm caught by the fact that no one told me it would be this way. And I'm exhausted from the journey through it.

Unplanned

Today did not go as planned.

I didn't teach. It got put off until next week.

I didn't spend time with the young woman I'd planned to spend my afternoon with.

I ended up making a step into the unknown instead.

Into what I hope is a process of healing, and moving on.

Only an hour. Then a bus trip home, and Chinese takeout delivered to satisfy a craving.

It was all unplanned, but I think good.

I'm curled up in my favorite chair.

Wrapped in a blanket.

Reading a novel.

Wearing an emerald in my nose.

A rose that lay waiting for me on the sidewalk in my hair.

And a twirling skirt with bells on the hem.

Last Things (And Maybe New Ones?)

I'm teaching my last Sunday school lessons this morning. I'll be so glad to be finished. This has been a necessary season - one in which I've quite possibly been more struck, convicted, and taught by the lessons I've been teaching than my students have. But I'll be glad to see it draw to a close.

I think I'm spending the afternoon with a young friend... Whatever we do, I need for it to be creative. I'm needing to find ways to express my heart that are voiceless, as the words are not coming again.

I'm hoping we'll end up either in a park, by the river, or perhaps in Kensington.

It's time for new things. Time to take steps that let me move on from some of the spaces I've occupied in this season.

So.

Creativity.

An emerald in my nose.

A twirling skirt worn over capri pants, and cute ballet flats (even though they give me blisters).

A scarf instead of a jacket.

Fun earrings.

Color.

Joy.

Life.

(and secreted away in my purse some reminders. stones. and a shell or two.)

Twirling skirts, revisted

Just over a year ago, I wrote this post. "Trees, Twirling Skirts and Mental Health".

It is probably the post that brings the most people (who aren't friends or regular readers) to my blog. At least two or three times a week it pops up as the post that flagged something in a google search.

I bought the twirling skirt I'd been dreaming of on the weekend.

And, yesterday, in a few spots, I twirled.

I'm still waiting for the freedom promised in that original image of twirling to arrive. But yesterday, as a prayer for mercy and freedom, for myself and some dear friends, I stepped into a mountain clearing, peeled off my shoes and socks, and spun barefoot around and around and around.

My roommate and I were talking about the missionary Eric Liddell (made famous in the movie "Chariots of Fire") as we drove to the mountains yesterday. Liddell's sister was quite critical of his passion for running. She felt it was time wasted - not used in ministry. His response? "When I run, I feel God's pleasure."

Yesterday I stood in the sun in a mountain clearing, and later in the setting sun on the bank of my favorite creek, and I spun.

I felt God's pleasure.

Monday Smiles

This is perhaps my new favorite picture of myself. My roommate, L., took it at the end of the day yesterday. That is "my" spot that I'm standing in. The spot in the park where I've gone time and time again over the last year, and particularly over the last several months to meet with Jesus. To pray, to listen, to think, to act things out, to simply be.

Friday was absolutely a terrible day. Saturday and Sunday were deep and beautiful, and better.

I'm mostly managing to smile this morning, sitting here at my desk, but find myself needing reminders of reasons to keep wearing that smile - to continue to be an aficionado of wonder - to live a full, deep, rich life, and find beauty in the simplest of things.

So, this is my Monday morning edition of "Things that are Making Me Smile"

• a cup of passion tea
• pork buns from the Chinese bakery I visited in China town on Saturday
• flip-flop weather
• that we once again (for sure this time) have a place to live
• curly hair
• a long drive through my favorite parts of the mountains yesterday
• Downy "White Lilac and Aloe" scented fabric softener
• a twirling skirt with bells on the hem
• a favorite necklace
• a collection of beautiful photos from the last two days, including a bunch that I feel actually capture "me" on film
• a few deeply special friends
• a Sunday school lesson on the crucifixion, that may or may not have challenged my students, but grabbed my heart in deep ways
• string cheese direct from wisconsin
• that, in spite of everything that's gone on these last months, I can still say "I'm not depressed" and be speaking truth
• Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium
• a couple of songs that have been speaking to my heart lately
• two friends who listened and spoke peace to my heart yesterday morning after catching me just after I'd woken out of one of the more disturbing dreams I'd had of late
• kit kat bars
• hershey kisses with almonds
• a tiny blue sticker on an orange, confirming a word God spoke quite some time ago
• butterflies