Daily 5 - Day 237

Today's Daily 5:

1. There is artwork hanging on my walls
2. Dinner at The Olive Garden with a new friend
3. The brief moments of quiet snatched here and there
4. The quote about butterflies that I posted earlier tonight
5. words flowing, a little, as I seek to process the challenges life has thrown at me over the last month or so

Daily 5 - Day 57

Today's Daily 5:

1. Laughing and chatting about packing for our trip with L.
2. accomplishing many things this evening without feeling rushed or stressed
3. a simple but tasty dinner (peas, couscous, and turkey souvlaki kebabs)
4. a productive day at work, with less of the tensions that have been rampant lately
5. decorating a new journal, to be started begun sometime very soon...
   

Monday Morning

So far, I've got to tell you, I'm having a Monday.

Even if today weren't the official first day of autumn, I'd have been convinced that autumn was here when I went outside this morning. What has, for the last several weeks, been simply a thick and heavy dew on my windshield, was frost this morning, requiring scraping so that I could see enouch to safely drive. I've been looking forward to fall, and I'm loving it, but I really could live without the scraping of the windshield for a few more months.

I forgot to bring my journal with me to work this morning, which isn't really a problem, other than that it throws off my usual routine of spending the fifteen or twenty minutes before the work day begins reflecting on the day before, and the night of dreams. I like routine. (It also means that I need to find time tonight to write instead.)

I wore capri pants to work, thinking that I would probably be okay for warmth. I'm still wearing my jacket, sitting cross legged so as to have as much skin covered for warmth as possible, and, when I'm not typing, I'm clutching a mug of tea. I'm absolutely freezing!

And I woke from weird dreams about water and family, and being inadequate and unable. Funny how those feelings come after a day yesterday that assured me of things in the opposite spirit.

So, it's Monday, and I'm diving into the new week. Our bookkeeper is on vacation, which, in the past, would have meant that I basically didn't get a lunch hour for that week, but, thanks to our newest hire, I have the freedom to still have a lunch hour this week, and that, in my mind is worth celebrating.

Unexpected...

I've had a truly unexpected morning. It's going to take a while to process this one.

Not bad. Very good, actually, I think.

But incredibly unexpected and different.

I'm headed out to find some lunch, and a quiet place to sit and think and write and pray.

Daily 5 - Day 16

Today's five include:

1. The sense of accomplishment that comes from some legwork and research at work, that will end up saving the company probably close to 2 grand a year on our telecommunications needs, and receiving a compliment from my boss for discovering and pursuing this.
   
2. a much needed and very satisfying snack after grocery shopping
3. finding some time to catch up on journaling
4. having the energy to get through the day without feeling beat up, even after all the disturbed and short nights of sleep this week
5. a good customer service experience with our telephone/internet/television provider - this is an anomaly at times with this company, and a good experience is always one to be greatful for.
   

Evening Thoughts...

This has been the good sort of day.

Not for any particular reasons. Just because.

Joy, even amidst tears.

I'd cried twice before coffee break this morning. Tears that caught me off guard both times. But not the lingering, hovering, exhausting grief that is sometimes there. Just moments of sadness, of deep emotion. And then they passed.

I've never stopped being surprised when the tears come. So many years of depression where they wouldn't flow at all. This last year and a half of challenges, where they came rarely.

I wonder if other people know what a priviledge it is when their tears flow freely? How beautiful that is?

I find the tears surprising and beautiful. They've been coming often these days, and sometimes, I still try to hide them. Hide them because they expose my heart, and the things that touch me deeply, and it is embarrassing in a culture that values solitary strength to cry often and freely. But, in these days, when I don't seem to have a choice, when the tears appear unannounced and flow freely; when they color my voice and redden my eyes, I am learning that it is okay for my heart to be exposed. That most won't reject it when it shows. That even when it is misunderstood, it is still valuable, and that compassion can be beautiful.

So, it was a day filled with joy, sometimes colored by tears.

There was laughter with a friend at work.

And an encouraging (if unfortunately short by necessity) coffee with a long-time friend.

Many questions to ponder.

Vietnamese take-0ut.

A lovely sun set.

I think I'm off to journal, just as soon as I write one more post with the Daily 5.

There is so much going on in me, and in my life these days, so much to process that journaling is starting to feel a bit overwhelming. I'm making it a habit to write, at least something, on a daily basis right now. Often that means grabbing ten minutes first thing in the morning, after I arrive at work, and before the day officially begins to recount the night's dreams, and get them off my mind a bit. I'm needing to remind myself of yet another of the helpful lessons I picked up from Anne Lamott - writing only what fits in a 1" frame. Breaking it down into small assignments. Taking it "bird by bird" as it were.

So, I'm off to tackle just one "bird", one little frame of thought for the evening.

Just as soon as I write the daily 5. This is one of those nights where I think they'll come easily.

Cozy.

My roommate just came into the living room and remarked that I looked "cozy".

I suppose I am, though mostly it's the lamplight that's doing it. Throwing that atmosphere of cozy warmth, and compensating for the fact that it's now well past dusk, and too dark to count on natural light for seeing.

I finished another book tonight. I'll be adding it to the list in my sidebar shortly. Anne Lamott, was, I think, just what my heart has needed this last little while.

I made a quick trip to the scrapbooking shop after dinner tonight. I had a coupon, and wanted to buy something to organize my cardstock. I'm still working on sorting and unpacking the last several boxes. Most of what is left contains craft and scrapbooking supplies, and I am hoping that if I store it in a way that is organized, but also visible, I will feel a bit more regularly inspired to make use of some of it. Organizing what's left is going to require another trip to Ikea, but I know what I need now, and think it's totally doable to get this all sorted out.

It was a really nice break to not have to cook dinner tonight too. My roommate made frittata for us (and it was great). That meant that when I got home from work I could relax, instead of immediately diving into cooking and cleaning up in the kitchen. I sent a few emails, and did some reading.

The ability to relax like that created the mental space, too, to finally sit for a while with a journal. I've been avoiding my journal this week because there is so much going on in my mind and heart and it seemed overwhelming to try to write and capture it.

As I sat down to write, I remembered a piece of advice from Anne Lamott's "Bird by Bird: Some Thoughts on Writing and Life" and decided to just capture what fit within a "one inch picture frame". I gave myself permission to only journal about one pressing topic, and it is helpful to me to have finally written it, and prayed it out in writing in the pages of my journal. It feels someone more sorted within my head.

Yes, there are still many topics that I need to capture in those pages. And yes, there are still so many thoughts outstanding within my heart, so many deep things that Jesus is speaking and nudging and causing me to wrestle with as they surface, but for tonight, I captured that which was most pressing, and in that I found some rest.

And now, now I'm off to run through my nightly devotional routine, and then to rest. Sleep was deeply marked by intense dreams, filled with themes that grabbed at my heart last night, and I find myself tired. I'm praying for rest and dreams of Jesus tonight.

Ongoing themes...

The same things have been popping up over and over again in my life the last few weeks. Variations on only a very few themes. In the places in my heart that the books I've been reading and listening to touch. In the conversations I've had. In the things that have caused my heart to ache, or the moments when I've felt profoundly out of place.

I'll be sitting later this morning with a journal, working through just a few of the most recent of those variations on the themes.

It always surprises me to find life deeply, fully, weirdly interconnected. To find how few themes seem to underlay the many moments that make up my days.

And so, I'll work through more of those moments in writing later, and share them with a few dear friends to garner other thoughts and prayers and aid the process of processing. To gather sight from outside my field of vision.

But, just in this moment, I need to change from my pajamas, do something about my hair and get ready to head out the door. My roommate and I are going to try a new crepe restaurant. We've been meaning to try it for months as a celebration of sorts. The moment we were celebrating came and went nearly a month and a half ago, but is still an excellent excuse to have an indulgent breakfast, followed by a bit of shopping.

Monday Morning

It's chilly outside today. The wind blew viciously all night, and it's cool and not supposed to get very warm at all today. Which means the skirt I unthinkingly put on this morning was probably a bad idea.

It's a new month, too.

And it'll be a busy one.

I spent hours yesterday, with dvds playing in the background, staring at the pages of my journal, and writing. Trying to process a week that included crazy dreams, unexpected meetings, roommate tensions, family stuff, and a number of milestones or rather emotional moments with God.

It perhaps helped a little.

Timing to me is always a funny monster. This morning I received an emailed prayer request from a family I have minimal contact with, but a family that appeared in a dream I had last week. The prayer request had nothing to do with the dream, but the timing of it made me pause.

And I smiled, just a little, when I came into work this morning and flipped the calendar over to the quote for the day. Not so much because of the quote, but because it was a quote from Clare of Assisi, whose life has also deeply impacted me in this crazy last year and a half. (The quote read, "Transform your whole being into the image of the Godhead itself through contemplation.")

There are so many things that must be done this week, and high on my priority list is arranging a place to live, and settling a moving date. I will be far less stressed and far more equipped to handle the coming month if those two things can be removed from my plate.

And, I've made fun plans for Saturday. I think I'll wait to share. But I'm going to indulge something I've been quietly thinking about for quite some time. Something I've thought about so quietly that both of my roommates commented that it seemed quick, and wondered if it was a thought through plan, or an impulse decision. Something that makes me smile at the ridiculous nature of it. And I've found a friend to come along and take photos!

Book Fiend

I have this weakness for buying books.

After I drove my parents to the airport tonight, I made a quick stop at a local bookstore, to purchase what was supposed to be one book, that I'd called ahead and put on hold.

I walked out of the store with seven books. And one more on order, that will likely arrive tomorrow, necessitating a return trip this weekend.

What makes this funny is that for the last six months, for the first time since I learned to read, I've had absolutely no interest in reading. And especially in reading books. Short articles, newspapers, magazines, blogs - all of these have held my interest, but very little book reading has actually been done (as the sidebar on the blog demonstrates!)

But, this last week or so, I've felt the stirring of interest in reading again. I've been making my way through a biography that's both very enjoyable and deeply challenging.

And, I'm excited to dive into several of the titles I purchased tonight.

So, perhaps this will be a weekend for reading. For finding a spot in the sun in the living room, or curling up in the grass in "my" park with a book.

Reading. And maybe journaling. Because, for me, they tend to go hand in hand. And I'd like to get back to journaling as well.

Unstable Ground

It's been a quiet evening.

Finally.

I've needed one all week.

I've been exhausted and I was starting to see the strain show up physically again.

So I declared tonight to be a night about resting. And restoration.

I took a bath, and watched a dvd in the tub. I pampered myself with a blue corn face mask, and coconut body scrub (both from The Body Shop).

I putzed around on the computer for awhile, playing a game, doing the facebook thing, avoiding what I really needed to do.

What I really needed to do was spend some time with my journal. It's been a full week, and there's lots to process, but there was one specific thing on my mind that I needed to write out.

I finally quit avoiding and wrote it out, and as usual, when I've been avoiding something, the direction it ended up taking me was surprising.

I ended up back at unstable ground.

It's kind of been a theme for the last year and a bit.

It stems from a deeply personal moment in a field on another continent. A story that doesn't fit here just yet. A share over tea or in an email or phone call with a friend kind of story. A dreams coming alive sort of moment.

And it's repeated ever since, in the oddest of moments.

There is something about standing on unstable ground.

Literally and figuratively.

And learning to trust amidst the instability.

Being able to open my hands, or willing to kneel - to let myself fall to my knees.

To say, "even this on which I depend, I offer back to You and choose to trust You with."

I'm not very good at it. But I'm learning. Through repetition. And lots of falling and failing.

But maybe, sometimes, that's the best way to learn. And falling seems to come with the territory when you're dealing with unstable ground.

And so, even in this, I choose to trust.

Smile List

Here are a few of the things that are making me smile today (complete with some pictures!):

• coconut scented oil in my oil burner (loving that my bedroom smells like the tropics right now)
• A newly redesigned and decorated journal, ready for use (front and back covers)
• Brand new pens for writing in the aforementioned journal
• A beautiful bouquet of red roses, sitting on my dressing stand
• Freshly washed sheets and a nicely made bed
• A beautiful crisp white blouse, just bohemian enough to make me really happy, and just dressy enough to work perfectly for nearly any occasion
• Peanut M&M's to accompany a creative spree
• Plans to clean my bedroom
  

In the spirit of new things...

I'm going to buy a new journal today. Or pull a blank one that's sitting empty on my shelf out, and doctor it until the cover isn't just plain black (I need some color and life) and start writing in that one.

I've been thinking about this all week. Trying to decide what I was going to do about the journal situation.

I started one at the beginning of December. A lovely blue one that fit all my general specifications for the "perfect journal". I kind of have a thing about totally filling one journal before I start a new one. But here's the deal. The advent and months following that are in the blue one have filled less than a third of the journal. But they were really hard, and the things contained in the journal are also hard, and every time I stop and think "I should journal that" I realize that it's just too hard to open the book and start writing there.

So the part of me that says I just can't waste two thirds of a "perfect journal" is rebelling.

But the part of me that needs new things, that needs color and joy and life needs someplace to process the things I'm thinking about these days. The questions I'm wrestling with. The scriptures I'm caught by. And I need that place to not be one that is totally marked by the incredibly painful things of the last five months.

So, in the spirit of new things, I'm going to set the old journal aside, and buy or decorate a new one.

I'm also going to wash the sheets on my bed, and deep clean some parts of my space. And I'm going for my first facial ever today.

New things.

Needing to choose joy, and life and hope and peace.

Daily

In an effort to balance out some crazyness in my life, and to be better at self-care - not a strength for a woman who was in many ways raised to believe that anyone and everyone was more deserving of her time and attention than herself - these are some of the things I'm making a daily priority right now:

• writing a blog post of some kind. writing helps me process life. writing on a blog on a daily basis forces me to be accountable to show up at something regularly. It's not hard and fast, it's just something that works for me. If I miss a day, ok. But I'd rather not.
• Writing in my paper journal. As I said, writing helps me process life. But it's good to do it on paper. There's something therapeutic for me in picking up a pen and recording what I'm thinking about, and what went on in my day - internally and externally.
• taking vitamins.
• getting rest. because I don't sleep very well, or in long chunks, this means that I need to be in bed earlier than I (as a night owl) would prefer. It means I need to be horizontal, even if I'm not asleep, because it really does mean I'm resting.
• spending time in scripture. see my post below for thoughts on how what you read can impact your spiritual life. I'm learning (again) that scripture works on you if you let it. that it forms and changes your heart, and draws you closer to Jesus.
  

I think that's it. Those are the big things that I do on a daily basis at the moment in an effort to care for myself. There are other little things - buying myself flowers, stuff like that. But for the moment, I'm just glad to have some big things in place.

Re-Create

I didn't sleep much again last night.

I stayed home this morning. I'll go in to the office for the afternoon, but I couldn't make it out of bed this morning. I was ill, and exhausted.

I'm still exhausted. I'm beginning to think that it's a state that is never going to go away.

And I'm still only seconds from tears. There's a journaling excercise I'm going to try in a few minutes to alleviate some of that, but who knows...

And worse yet, my house, this morning, with both of roommates off at their jobs, is the best it's been in weeks.

No living with a pair of best friends when yours is distant.

No wedding discussions.

Nothing to underscore how lonely I've felt.

No need to put up a facade of practicality and happiness.

No need to resent them for being so consumed with weddings and ignoring the dozens of little things around the house that need to be done.

Just quiet.

But I'm avoiding the quiet too. Because quiet and stillness is an invitation for Jesus to show up and start talking, and then the surreal nature of life lately tends to intensify.

So I'm going to self-help.

I'm going to write my way through a journalling exercise that has always tended to expose the pains of my heart. And then I'm going to pray.

And then I'm going to shower. In my newly unclogged bathtub (which no one thanked me for fixing by the way.) With mango body scrub from the body shop. And shave my legs, and generally just relax for a little while until I have to leave for work. I'm going to put on clothes that make me feel pretty, and style my hair (since I'm going out to a special event after work with my brother anyhow) and put on makeup.

For the afternoon, I'm going to re-create myself. Just for a little while. And if it works, then I'll do it again and again until I start believing again that I really am someone who fits, who has a home, who is strong, who was created in the image of God, who can be beautiful, and who is loved.

scribbling

I spent probably three hours tonight sitting with my journal and writing.

it's helped a little. I feel a bit lighter, less discombobulated for the moment, and ready for rest.

goodnight.

Very Me...

My friend Rae took this photo of me at the zoo today. I really like it. That's my brand new journal I'm writing in, and my favorite scarf that I'm wearing. I was busy copying down a couple of quotes that were painted on a wall in one of the African exhibits. But I love the way I look in this photo, and I love what it says about who I am... It is very me.


And the quotes I was jotting down?

"Like water, be gentle and strong. Be gentle enough to follow the natural paths of the earth, and strong enough to rise up and reshape the world." (Brenda Peterson)

"Those who contemplate the beauty of the earth find reserves of strength that will endure as long as life lasts." (Rachel Carson)

I Wrote... now sleep?

I have these moments where I spend most of an evening avoiding that which I desperately know that I need to do. Tonight was one of those moments.

I knew I needed to write. I knew I needed to pray. I was working at avoiding them both.

The restlessness became unbearable and I curled up in my chair with my journal.

I wrote.

I prayed.

And now, I'm hoping for some sleep.

New Day, Week, Month, Journal

It's Sunday morning again, and as per usual, I didn't get enough sleep last night. But here's the thing - it's only partially the fault of my whacked out brain this time. Seems our neighbors decided to have a campfire, complete with beer, talking loudly, and lots of swearing. Seems they felt 11pm would be a good time to commence having such an activity, only 4 feet or so from my bedroom window. Seems they felt it would be good to carry on with said activity until at least 2 am. So I didn't get quite enough sleep.

It's a new day. I like new days. To paraphrase Anne of Green Gables they "don't have any mistakes in them yet."

It's a new week. I like weeks like this upcoming one, which is going to be a short work week for me.

It's a new month. June will be a busy month. Trying to find a place to live. Getting ready to move. Seeing various friends.

I'm starting a new journal today. I like the possibilities of new journals. I've never filled a journal of the size I generally buy as quickly as I filled the one I finished off last night. Just under 3 months. Usually I use the same journal for 1-3 years. I've developed a habit of writing something, anything, in there at least once a day. I need to come up with a quote to begin my new journal. I always start them with a quote that has struck me and kept coming back over a season, to kind of set the tone for the next season. I think I know what quote I'm going to use, but I'll have to let you know on that!

Okay... time to get moving... style the hair I just washed, find clothing, look over my sunday school lessons one more time, maybe even find some breakfast.

Happy "New" things day!

From my journal...

I was reading through portions of my journal a couple weeks ago, and flagged this bit to come back to. It so beautifully describes some of my dreams and goals for life - the places and things that are important to me, and the things I believe God has planted deeply within me.

It's from a journalling workshop I attended back in March. March 24th to be exact. Kim McMechan taught it, and while I can't remember the exact instructions for the exercise, the title of it is "Instinct".

I wrote:

I would live somewhere with lots of sun, but not too much heat. Somewhere where you feel wrapped in warmth. Somewhere kind of humid, because I don't care that humidity makes my hair curl - I love to wear it curly.

I'd wear skirts all the time, flowy things, and sometimes, just because I felt like it, I'd twirl like I did when I was a little girl - just to see what shape my skirt made as I spun.

I'd hang out with people who let the messy things in their life show, because that kind of honesty is beautiful.

I'd spend lots of time with people, listening, sharing stories, praying.

I'd spend lots of time alone, too, curled up in a blanket, with a cup of tea, slowing down to reflect on my day, and on the stories I'd heard while I was with people.

I'd find a way to see the world - all of the European history I studied but have never seen with my own eyes. Machu Picchu in Peru.

I'd live in a big, laid-back, coffee shop loving city, and embrace that sort of lifestyle for a while.

I'd pierce my nose, and get a tattoo.

I'd hang out in the mountains, listening and praying, and I'd spend time writing beside the ocean.

I'd spend more time with the friends you can just be quiet with.