I am struggling with scheduling issues at the moment... with figuring out which things can stay, and which might need to go, to make space for the time I'm increasingly feeling is necessary to spend with Jesus in this season.
This week in particular is extraordinarily busy - something scheduled after work every night. All lovely and wonderful things, all things I think that God is in, none of them things that can be dropped or postponed.
I told a friend last night that it's becoming clear to me that this week I'm going to have to steal those moments of peace and rest wherever I can find them. Taking the bus for an hour and half home each day, grocery shopping alone, standing in the shower, as I'm studying to prepare for the small group I lead that meets this week, walking to meet various friends for tea and coffee dates, resting in my chair for a few minutes before bed, with candles and incense...
I believe that Jesus is present in the busyness and in the rest, I'm just feeling a need to change the balance of busyness and rest in my life for a season. But for this week, I'm trusting that He'll honor the moments of rest that I'm able to steal, and gift me with His presence in a tangible way.
Showing posts with label Bible Study. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bible Study. Show all posts
Monday, October 15, 2007
Thursday, June 07, 2007
The Mostly Dark
I’m sitting here in the mostly dark, and the light from my laptop screen is reflecting off my glasses, catching on every speck of dust or smudge, and highlighting the fact that they need to be wiped clean. My chair is just below my window, and it’s open, letting in the cool late evening air, and the ambient noise from nearby streets. I’m at peace.
My life feels like that right now too… mostly dark, but at peace. No real illumination. Lots of places where I am paused, waiting for what comes next. Where I have taken every step that has thus far presented itself, and now I wait, in the mostly dark – just enough light to know that things beautiful and freeing are coming, but not enough light to yet claim them.
Maybe the mostly dark is what it’s all about anyway… just enough light to move from one step to the next. I’m thinking of a Bruce Cockburn lyric “…another step deeper into darkness/closer to the light…”
I’m thinking too about all the various scripture passages…
“Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path…”
“You will hear a voice behind you saying, ‘This is the way. Walk in it.”
“The Lord turns my darkness into light…”
“before I go…to the land of deepest night, of deep shadow and disorder, where even the light is like darkness…”
“He reveals the deep things of darkness and brings deep shadows into the light.”
“When I looked for light, then came darkness.”
“He redeemed my soul from going down to the pit and I will live to enjoy the light.”
“You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning. My god turns my darkness into light.”
“The people walking in darkness have seen a great light…”
Cockburn again:
Gone from mystery into mystery
Gone from daylight into night
Another step deeper into darkness
Closer to the light
My life feels like that right now too… mostly dark, but at peace. No real illumination. Lots of places where I am paused, waiting for what comes next. Where I have taken every step that has thus far presented itself, and now I wait, in the mostly dark – just enough light to know that things beautiful and freeing are coming, but not enough light to yet claim them.
Maybe the mostly dark is what it’s all about anyway… just enough light to move from one step to the next. I’m thinking of a Bruce Cockburn lyric “…another step deeper into darkness/closer to the light…”
I’m thinking too about all the various scripture passages…
“Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path…”
“You will hear a voice behind you saying, ‘This is the way. Walk in it.”
“The Lord turns my darkness into light…”
“before I go…to the land of deepest night, of deep shadow and disorder, where even the light is like darkness…”
“He reveals the deep things of darkness and brings deep shadows into the light.”
“When I looked for light, then came darkness.”
“He redeemed my soul from going down to the pit and I will live to enjoy the light.”
“You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning. My god turns my darkness into light.”
“The people walking in darkness have seen a great light…”
Cockburn again:
Gone from mystery into mystery
Gone from daylight into night
Another step deeper into darkness
Closer to the light
Monday, May 07, 2007
Avoiding my list
Okay, so I know I talked this morning all about how a list works for me. How it helps me not feel overwhelmed, to see what I have going on for a week, and plan it out nicely.
It's not working for me just at the moment!
In fact, I'm writing a blog post to avoid actually getting started on the things on my list, the biggest of which is writing a talk for the weekend.
Okay, okay, you've convinced me. I'm going to work. I'm going to change the sheets on my bed, and empty my garbage, and scrub a bathtub (well, maybe not the bathtub). The laundry is in progress, and I'm going to sit down for at least half an hour (hopefully more like an hour!) and study the stuff I'm supposed to be teaching.
See you tomorrow!
It's not working for me just at the moment!
In fact, I'm writing a blog post to avoid actually getting started on the things on my list, the biggest of which is writing a talk for the weekend.
Okay, okay, you've convinced me. I'm going to work. I'm going to change the sheets on my bed, and empty my garbage, and scrub a bathtub (well, maybe not the bathtub). The laundry is in progress, and I'm going to sit down for at least half an hour (hopefully more like an hour!) and study the stuff I'm supposed to be teaching.
See you tomorrow!
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Lazy Saturday
I fully intend to do things slowly today, and manage to accomplish a lot.
I've done an hour of studying this morning, and now I'm headed out to do errands and shop for a couple of hours.
After that, home, a bit more studying, television watching, some cleaning, and basically, finishing off the things that are left on my list for the week, and maybe getting a start on preparing the list for next week.
I love the independence that comes when mom and dad are away, and I have a vehicle at my disposal. I can go anywhere I like, at any time I like. Or I can stay in and be a vegetable in front of the television, or both, or neither. FANTASTIC!
And with that, I'm off to find something to eat for breakfast, and to head out the door for my errands.
I've done an hour of studying this morning, and now I'm headed out to do errands and shop for a couple of hours.
After that, home, a bit more studying, television watching, some cleaning, and basically, finishing off the things that are left on my list for the week, and maybe getting a start on preparing the list for next week.
I love the independence that comes when mom and dad are away, and I have a vehicle at my disposal. I can go anywhere I like, at any time I like. Or I can stay in and be a vegetable in front of the television, or both, or neither. FANTASTIC!
And with that, I'm off to find something to eat for breakfast, and to head out the door for my errands.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Machu Picchu
This is where I dream of travelling and praying. This is the place that has been on my heart the last while, but sprang back to the forefront as I spent time in Scripture on Sunday morning. As I was studying tonight, I was wandering through some websites discussing the history of Peru and of Machu Picchu in particular.Some things that piqued my interest in my wanderings?
The Peruvian government is pursuing legal action to re-obtain thousands of artifacts that the archaelogist who re-discovered the site in the early 1900's removed without permission.
The name "Machu Picchu" is from the Quecha, meaning "Old Peak".
It is a UNESCO World Heritage Site - a site deemed to have outstanding cultural or natural importance to the heritage of mankind.
It is "invisible from below and completely self-contained, surrounded by agricultural terraces sufficient to feed the population, and watered by natural springs." (from an article here).
It is believed to have been closely linked to the spirit world - it contains a historic sun dial made of stone. There are Shamanic legends suggesting that if a sensitive person touches their forehead to the stone, their vision will be open to the spirit world. (same article as the previous point)
Psalm 118:19-20
Open for me the gates where the righteous enter,
and I will go in and thank the Lord.
Open for me the gates where the righteous enter,
and I will go in and thank the Lord.
These gates lead to the presence of the Lord,
Matthew 7:13-14
Matthew 7:13-14
Tuesday thoughts
This is one of those slightly foggy, off-balance kinds of days.
I had a strange encounter yesterday at lunch with an old man who had come to visit one of our employees. I don’t know why I told you that, other than that it sticks out in my mind as indicative of how the day went yesterday. He shook my hand, and without asking my permission, began to put his “reflexology” skills to work, informing me that my liver wanted “more good water.” It was an oddly frustrating and violating experience, one that left me slightly off-balance for the next couple hours. I spun out a bit emotionally, a 180 degree turn of how I was previously experiencing the day, from peace and joy to an almost depressive and hopeless state, and it took some praying, and deliberate refocusing of my thoughts to return to my previous equilibrium. It made me think about a conversation I had on the weekend, about being a burden-bearer, and being careful when you pray for and interact with people, that you don’t absorb their sicknesses or their problems. I’m wondering more about the transfer of spiritual things these days, because I seem to keep having experiences that would make this a very real possibility. For example, could what I experienced yesterday have spiritual connotations? Can that sort of transfer of emotion happen unsuspectingly, without deliberate intent? Am I overspiritualizing the fact that I was angry at this man’s intrusion into my life and personal space, after I’d told him that I would prefer that he didn’t do so?
I did errands for a couple hours directly after work last night. First up was a trip to Ikea to buy a piece of furniture for my bedroom. Ultimately, I bought two shelf-like bed-side tables, and stacked them on top of each other, slightly off-set to create a bookshelf. I needed to create some more space for books in my bedroom, and I needed to clean and organize a corner in which I can comfortably engage in the studying and prayer and meditation I have committed to engage in more frequently (see yesterday’s post). I also bought groceries, some office/studying supplies I’ve needed, and went to the library.
After I got home from my errands, I spent an hour studying, reading, and praying, and then I built the furniture I’d bought. (I built it by myself! Which is sometimes a challenge with Ikea furniture, and a slight mechanical ineptitude. The one time I bought a chair at Ikea, it took me a whole evening to build it, spread out on the living room floor, and my dad sat and laughed at me the whole time. He told me it was better than reality tv!) I ended up being up much later than normal, by the time the tables were built, my bedroom was rearranged to accommodate them, and the necessary cleaning that is required when you move furniture you haven’t moved in a while was accomplished (can you say DUST BUNNIES?!). I am very pleased with my new space, and while it will still require a bit of cleaning and organizing tonight, I’m greatly looking forward to lighting some candles, curling up in my chair, and reading and studying over the next while.
I’m trying something new this week. I’m organizing my life for the week by creating an extensive “to do” list. I work really well to lists. They help me organize my thoughts, keep track of the little things (in fact, as I wrote this sentence I remembered two other little things I need to do this week, and sent an email to my home address, reminding myself to add them to my list). And, if it’s on a list, I’m more likely to accomplish it. Plus, I get a great deal of satisfaction from actually crossing things off my list.
In this case, I’ve put everything from “organize dressing table” to “buy toothpaste” to more relational things like “plan youth hang out night”, “have dinner with Megs”, or church/business things like “have meeting to plan youth retreat” on my list. As I said, the purpose of the list is to give me a single sheet of paper that I can glance at and see what needs to be done over the course of the week, and then I can plan my week to accommodate as many of those things as possible.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not driven by the list. If things come up that are more important, the things on the list can wait. But this is a new way for me to organize my life, and create a more disciplined rhythm to my days, and I’m hoping it works out well.
I had a strange encounter yesterday at lunch with an old man who had come to visit one of our employees. I don’t know why I told you that, other than that it sticks out in my mind as indicative of how the day went yesterday. He shook my hand, and without asking my permission, began to put his “reflexology” skills to work, informing me that my liver wanted “more good water.” It was an oddly frustrating and violating experience, one that left me slightly off-balance for the next couple hours. I spun out a bit emotionally, a 180 degree turn of how I was previously experiencing the day, from peace and joy to an almost depressive and hopeless state, and it took some praying, and deliberate refocusing of my thoughts to return to my previous equilibrium. It made me think about a conversation I had on the weekend, about being a burden-bearer, and being careful when you pray for and interact with people, that you don’t absorb their sicknesses or their problems. I’m wondering more about the transfer of spiritual things these days, because I seem to keep having experiences that would make this a very real possibility. For example, could what I experienced yesterday have spiritual connotations? Can that sort of transfer of emotion happen unsuspectingly, without deliberate intent? Am I overspiritualizing the fact that I was angry at this man’s intrusion into my life and personal space, after I’d told him that I would prefer that he didn’t do so?
I did errands for a couple hours directly after work last night. First up was a trip to Ikea to buy a piece of furniture for my bedroom. Ultimately, I bought two shelf-like bed-side tables, and stacked them on top of each other, slightly off-set to create a bookshelf. I needed to create some more space for books in my bedroom, and I needed to clean and organize a corner in which I can comfortably engage in the studying and prayer and meditation I have committed to engage in more frequently (see yesterday’s post). I also bought groceries, some office/studying supplies I’ve needed, and went to the library.
After I got home from my errands, I spent an hour studying, reading, and praying, and then I built the furniture I’d bought. (I built it by myself! Which is sometimes a challenge with Ikea furniture, and a slight mechanical ineptitude. The one time I bought a chair at Ikea, it took me a whole evening to build it, spread out on the living room floor, and my dad sat and laughed at me the whole time. He told me it was better than reality tv!) I ended up being up much later than normal, by the time the tables were built, my bedroom was rearranged to accommodate them, and the necessary cleaning that is required when you move furniture you haven’t moved in a while was accomplished (can you say DUST BUNNIES?!). I am very pleased with my new space, and while it will still require a bit of cleaning and organizing tonight, I’m greatly looking forward to lighting some candles, curling up in my chair, and reading and studying over the next while.
I’m trying something new this week. I’m organizing my life for the week by creating an extensive “to do” list. I work really well to lists. They help me organize my thoughts, keep track of the little things (in fact, as I wrote this sentence I remembered two other little things I need to do this week, and sent an email to my home address, reminding myself to add them to my list). And, if it’s on a list, I’m more likely to accomplish it. Plus, I get a great deal of satisfaction from actually crossing things off my list.
In this case, I’ve put everything from “organize dressing table” to “buy toothpaste” to more relational things like “plan youth hang out night”, “have dinner with Megs”, or church/business things like “have meeting to plan youth retreat” on my list. As I said, the purpose of the list is to give me a single sheet of paper that I can glance at and see what needs to be done over the course of the week, and then I can plan my week to accommodate as many of those things as possible.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not driven by the list. If things come up that are more important, the things on the list can wait. But this is a new way for me to organize my life, and create a more disciplined rhythm to my days, and I’m hoping it works out well.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Convicted to Study
I’m becoming increasingly convinced that I need to carve dedicated time out of my daily schedule for study. While I have found it very helpful and encouraging over the years to spend 10 or 15 minutes devotionally reading scripture before going to bed at night, and have no intention of changing that habit, in the last while I have become convinced that I need to spend far more time working my way through the word of God.
It has become clear to me that to continue to walk into the things God is calling me to, I must devote greater time to study, to seeking him in his word, and in the works of other believers through the centuries, to prayer and meditation.
I am particularly convicted that in order to continue building relationship with the young people that I work with at church, to continue inviting them into deeper things of the Spirit, I must cultivate those deeper things in my own life, via my relationship with Christ, and with time spent in study and contemplation.
Especially in these next few weeks, I am feeling the pull to study. We are holding our first ever church youth retreat on the weekend of May 11th and 12th, and while I don’t yet know if I will be doing some of the teaching, I feel very convicted of the need to prepare myself for that time. I am sensing that it could be a quite significant time in the formation of our group of young people, and I want to spend the time over the next two weeks listening to the Spirit of God, and preparing my own heart in order to be available as the Spirit leads over the course of that weekend. I think I may fast for a few days leading up to the retreat, and possibly over the course of the time away as well.
All of this seems foreign to me. Not so very long ago I would have described a dedicated amount of study time, and fasting as a very legalistic method designed to try and manipulate God into providing what I want. And yet, I am suddenly pulled by the Spirit to do these things.
So, what this amounts to in my life is a determination to set aside a minimum of an hour for study and prayer, at least five times over the course of this week, and five times over the course of the next week. If this means I need to change some of my daily scheduled activities, or curtail some social activities for a few weeks, I’m okay with that. If it means that I have to get out of bed earlier, or stay up a bit later and sacrifice sleep, I’m okay with that, too. Pray for me as I work to prepare my heart for the time away with our youth. Pray for me as I meet with the pastor I work with tomorrow night to determine the topic and details of the weekend, and to make the decisions surrounding which of us (or both of us) will be doing the teaching.
It has become clear to me that to continue to walk into the things God is calling me to, I must devote greater time to study, to seeking him in his word, and in the works of other believers through the centuries, to prayer and meditation.
I am particularly convicted that in order to continue building relationship with the young people that I work with at church, to continue inviting them into deeper things of the Spirit, I must cultivate those deeper things in my own life, via my relationship with Christ, and with time spent in study and contemplation.
Especially in these next few weeks, I am feeling the pull to study. We are holding our first ever church youth retreat on the weekend of May 11th and 12th, and while I don’t yet know if I will be doing some of the teaching, I feel very convicted of the need to prepare myself for that time. I am sensing that it could be a quite significant time in the formation of our group of young people, and I want to spend the time over the next two weeks listening to the Spirit of God, and preparing my own heart in order to be available as the Spirit leads over the course of that weekend. I think I may fast for a few days leading up to the retreat, and possibly over the course of the time away as well.
All of this seems foreign to me. Not so very long ago I would have described a dedicated amount of study time, and fasting as a very legalistic method designed to try and manipulate God into providing what I want. And yet, I am suddenly pulled by the Spirit to do these things.
So, what this amounts to in my life is a determination to set aside a minimum of an hour for study and prayer, at least five times over the course of this week, and five times over the course of the next week. If this means I need to change some of my daily scheduled activities, or curtail some social activities for a few weeks, I’m okay with that. If it means that I have to get out of bed earlier, or stay up a bit later and sacrifice sleep, I’m okay with that, too. Pray for me as I work to prepare my heart for the time away with our youth. Pray for me as I meet with the pastor I work with tomorrow night to determine the topic and details of the weekend, and to make the decisions surrounding which of us (or both of us) will be doing the teaching.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Dreaming of Incan Ruins...
It's been an interesting weekend, some of which is just for me to internalize, and some of which will probably be unpacked here over the coming days and weeks. I was away from Friday night until close to midnight last night, and that was great, very needed. I took advantage of my one Sunday off a month and stayed home from church this morning, knowing I needed time to speak directly with Jesus, instead of listening to someone else speak about Him, and just hang out for a bit, and do some processing.
As I was reading and praying, I was surprised by how rapidly I met with Jesus, and I ended up writing the following journal entry. I thought I'd share it here...
I’m dreaming of Peru this morning, as I sit curled in my favorite chair in the living room, wrapped in a blanket, with the echo of the clock ticking in the kitchen behind me, loudly reminding me that the house is empty, and that this is my time of communion, of Sabbath, and retreat.
We spoke of my desire to travel to Peru at dinner last night. Darlene asked what held my heart and I couldn’t answer directly. Peru has had a hold on me since I was a small child, fascinated with the doll my parents had brought home with me, the toy llama made with real llama wool, with the Spanish nickname that had traveled with me from South America, and become the term of endearment my dad used to refer to me, and with the stories of the people who loved this little blond-haired, blue-eyed baby that they carried with them through the city. I loved the young woman from the church there who immigrated to Canada, and adopted me as her friend – my Eliana, a woman who had played with me as a baby, in another country, on another continent.
And then, I watched, “The Motorcycle Diaries” and I was captivated again by the beauty of this continent, by the beauty of a specific spot in Peru. I began to hear whispers in my heart that I didn’t understand, telling me I needed to travel to Machu Picchu and simply be. To sit and pray, to seek the heart of God in this most ancient of places.
And so, this morning, after everyone left for church and I headed out to the living room to spend some time reading, studying and praying, I began to read in the Psalms, making notes in the margin as I often do when bits and pieces speak to my heart. I read for several chapters before encountering a passage that stopped me in my tracks. As I read, I heard the whisper of the Spirit – this is it. This is the word that you will someday speak over the beautiful ruins of Machu Picchu. David writes:
Open up, ancient gates!
Open up, ancient doors,
and let the King of glory enter.
Who is the King of glory?
The Lord, strong and mighty;
the Lord, invincible in battle.
Open up, ancient gates!
Open up, ancient doors,
and let the King of glory enter.
Who is this King of glory?
The Lord of Heaven’s Armies –
he is the King of glory.
(Psalm 24:7-10)
I went back, and watched again the simple and yet majestic scenes of Machu Picchu in “The Motorcycle Diaries”. And as I watched I knew even more strongly that one day I will have the opportunity to declare in this most ancient place the King of glory.
I have heard people talk about spiritual gateways, about ancient places that hold significance for the kingdom of God. And I wonder if I have unknowingly stumbled upon one of these places. A place of beauty, of creation that groans for redemption by the King. Later, I intend to do some reading and research on the history of Peru, of the Incans, of Machu Picchu.
And so, I sit here and pray for that moment when I will stand in that place. I pray even now that the ancient gates and doors will be opened. I pray for this country that my heart loves, though I remember nothing of the time there. And I know that every time I read Psalm 24, I will know something of the voice of God, speaking over a nation in the heart of South America.
As I was reading and praying, I was surprised by how rapidly I met with Jesus, and I ended up writing the following journal entry. I thought I'd share it here...
I’m dreaming of Peru this morning, as I sit curled in my favorite chair in the living room, wrapped in a blanket, with the echo of the clock ticking in the kitchen behind me, loudly reminding me that the house is empty, and that this is my time of communion, of Sabbath, and retreat.
We spoke of my desire to travel to Peru at dinner last night. Darlene asked what held my heart and I couldn’t answer directly. Peru has had a hold on me since I was a small child, fascinated with the doll my parents had brought home with me, the toy llama made with real llama wool, with the Spanish nickname that had traveled with me from South America, and become the term of endearment my dad used to refer to me, and with the stories of the people who loved this little blond-haired, blue-eyed baby that they carried with them through the city. I loved the young woman from the church there who immigrated to Canada, and adopted me as her friend – my Eliana, a woman who had played with me as a baby, in another country, on another continent.
And then, I watched, “The Motorcycle Diaries” and I was captivated again by the beauty of this continent, by the beauty of a specific spot in Peru. I began to hear whispers in my heart that I didn’t understand, telling me I needed to travel to Machu Picchu and simply be. To sit and pray, to seek the heart of God in this most ancient of places.
And so, this morning, after everyone left for church and I headed out to the living room to spend some time reading, studying and praying, I began to read in the Psalms, making notes in the margin as I often do when bits and pieces speak to my heart. I read for several chapters before encountering a passage that stopped me in my tracks. As I read, I heard the whisper of the Spirit – this is it. This is the word that you will someday speak over the beautiful ruins of Machu Picchu. David writes:
Open up, ancient gates!
Open up, ancient doors,
and let the King of glory enter.
Who is the King of glory?
The Lord, strong and mighty;
the Lord, invincible in battle.
Open up, ancient gates!
Open up, ancient doors,
and let the King of glory enter.
Who is this King of glory?
The Lord of Heaven’s Armies –
he is the King of glory.
(Psalm 24:7-10)
I went back, and watched again the simple and yet majestic scenes of Machu Picchu in “The Motorcycle Diaries”. And as I watched I knew even more strongly that one day I will have the opportunity to declare in this most ancient place the King of glory.
I have heard people talk about spiritual gateways, about ancient places that hold significance for the kingdom of God. And I wonder if I have unknowingly stumbled upon one of these places. A place of beauty, of creation that groans for redemption by the King. Later, I intend to do some reading and research on the history of Peru, of the Incans, of Machu Picchu.
And so, I sit here and pray for that moment when I will stand in that place. I pray even now that the ancient gates and doors will be opened. I pray for this country that my heart loves, though I remember nothing of the time there. And I know that every time I read Psalm 24, I will know something of the voice of God, speaking over a nation in the heart of South America.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Catching Up
Okay, where to start? It’s been a while since I did an actual update here instead of directing you to things worth reading, or sharing stuff others had written… My head is feeling clogged, full-to-bursting and I need to write some of it down. (I blog because it’s therapeutic for me… helps me to process and release stuff if I simply write it somewhere, add it to the general consciousness instead of bearing the weight in my head, alone.)
Last night before I went to sleep, I did a writing exercise that Rob Bell describes in the footnotes of his new book “Sex God”. I’ve also heard Rob preach about this exercise. (For those who are wondering, I haven’t read “Sex God” yet, though some of my youth did read it about a week ago, and recommended it. I was flipping through the footnotes looking for a reference to something else, and came across the exercise that I’d heard Rob preach, and was delighted to find it in a more organized format.) To be honest, I did the exercise in the hopes that by unloading some of the stuff I was thinking about, I’d be able to sleep a bit better. It helped a little. Not a lot. If you’re ever awake at 3:30 a.m. and wondering if you’re the only one in the world, take comfort. I’m usually awake at that time for a while.
Megs and I took advantage of the fact that the weather is finally catching on to the fact that spring has arrived, and, after a quick errand at the Asian market to buy supplies for a Thai meal that I’m cooking with a friend, for some other friends this weekend (speaking of the Asian market, we’re also looking for an East Indian market – does anyone know of something like this in Calgary?), we headed to Peter’s for hamburgers and fries. (For those of you who don’t know Calgary, Peter’s is legendary – drive in or walk up only, and great ginormous portions of food.) We quite thoroughly enjoyed sitting outside as we ate.
After dinner, we headed out to see a movie… “In the Land of Women”. Not hugely profound, but funny, and at times deep. We mutually agreed that it was a worth the money.
I’m headed out of town for a day and a half this weekend, taking one of my youth girls with me, to visit some other friends. I’m looking forward to the time, but also feeling some tension because of some stuff in my youth girls’ life lately, stuff that we probably need to talk about. I’m having a hard time figuring out the balance between friend, and advisor/leader in this particular relationship, and figuring out when to say the hard stuff and trust that there is relationship there that will support what may need to be said.
I’m thinking about an upcoming youth retreat that we’re holding, part-way through May. I think I’d maybe like to do some of the teaching, depending on what topic we decide to focus on, but the idea makes me nervous, particularly since the youth pastor I’m working with is long accomplished at teaching, and my own style would be very different from his. It’s been a long time since I did any extended teaching on my own. I’ve taught Sunday school several times for this same group of youth in the last while, and sometimes it seems to go well, sometimes it doesn’t. I’m struggling with the fact that I see life and relationship with God quite differently in a lot of ways from the church that I am involved with, and while I want to introduce our youth to a deeper relationship with God, through the work of the Spirit, I still feel tentative at best in figuring that out in my own life, and am not at all sure how to begin to communicate some of these things to the teenagers that I am involved with. Pray for us the next week or two as we meet to hash out a theme for the weekend, and as I listen for the spirit and seek to discern whether this is my time to open up and teach and share my journey with these young people.
I’m still waiting to figure out what comes next in my life. My tax return should be coming through in the next few weeks. It’ll get stuck quite nicely in a bank account, and hopefully in late June or early July I’ll be buying a car. That feels like a step in the right direction, towards independence. I’ve committed (at least to myself) to stay at my current job at least until I’ve been there a year. That happens September 12th. I have concert tickets for September 18th, so I’ll at least be in Calgary until then. From there, who knows? I’d like to either do an internship somewhere, or maybe travel for a couple of months over the course of the next year – maybe go see Megs once she settles back into Pakistan, maybe some time in Europe, who knows?
Oh, and I added another book to my reading list. I finished Anne Lamott’s new book over the weekend. I have to say that I was somewhat disappointed in this one. Though the title alludes to the book being “thoughts on faith,” I found this to be her most political, least “spiritual” book so far, and felt after a while like I was being preached at, and it began to grate on me. I still enjoyed her thoughts, she still made me laugh, and even made me think, but this time it was, as I say, more grating. More of a “you need to see the world my way, or you’re wrong” sort of attitude.
Okay, with all of that off my chest, I’m going back to doing other things. Work remains slow, giving me the time necessary to write a long post like this…
Last night before I went to sleep, I did a writing exercise that Rob Bell describes in the footnotes of his new book “Sex God”. I’ve also heard Rob preach about this exercise. (For those who are wondering, I haven’t read “Sex God” yet, though some of my youth did read it about a week ago, and recommended it. I was flipping through the footnotes looking for a reference to something else, and came across the exercise that I’d heard Rob preach, and was delighted to find it in a more organized format.) To be honest, I did the exercise in the hopes that by unloading some of the stuff I was thinking about, I’d be able to sleep a bit better. It helped a little. Not a lot. If you’re ever awake at 3:30 a.m. and wondering if you’re the only one in the world, take comfort. I’m usually awake at that time for a while.
Megs and I took advantage of the fact that the weather is finally catching on to the fact that spring has arrived, and, after a quick errand at the Asian market to buy supplies for a Thai meal that I’m cooking with a friend, for some other friends this weekend (speaking of the Asian market, we’re also looking for an East Indian market – does anyone know of something like this in Calgary?), we headed to Peter’s for hamburgers and fries. (For those of you who don’t know Calgary, Peter’s is legendary – drive in or walk up only, and great ginormous portions of food.) We quite thoroughly enjoyed sitting outside as we ate.
After dinner, we headed out to see a movie… “In the Land of Women”. Not hugely profound, but funny, and at times deep. We mutually agreed that it was a worth the money.
I’m headed out of town for a day and a half this weekend, taking one of my youth girls with me, to visit some other friends. I’m looking forward to the time, but also feeling some tension because of some stuff in my youth girls’ life lately, stuff that we probably need to talk about. I’m having a hard time figuring out the balance between friend, and advisor/leader in this particular relationship, and figuring out when to say the hard stuff and trust that there is relationship there that will support what may need to be said.
I’m thinking about an upcoming youth retreat that we’re holding, part-way through May. I think I’d maybe like to do some of the teaching, depending on what topic we decide to focus on, but the idea makes me nervous, particularly since the youth pastor I’m working with is long accomplished at teaching, and my own style would be very different from his. It’s been a long time since I did any extended teaching on my own. I’ve taught Sunday school several times for this same group of youth in the last while, and sometimes it seems to go well, sometimes it doesn’t. I’m struggling with the fact that I see life and relationship with God quite differently in a lot of ways from the church that I am involved with, and while I want to introduce our youth to a deeper relationship with God, through the work of the Spirit, I still feel tentative at best in figuring that out in my own life, and am not at all sure how to begin to communicate some of these things to the teenagers that I am involved with. Pray for us the next week or two as we meet to hash out a theme for the weekend, and as I listen for the spirit and seek to discern whether this is my time to open up and teach and share my journey with these young people.
I’m still waiting to figure out what comes next in my life. My tax return should be coming through in the next few weeks. It’ll get stuck quite nicely in a bank account, and hopefully in late June or early July I’ll be buying a car. That feels like a step in the right direction, towards independence. I’ve committed (at least to myself) to stay at my current job at least until I’ve been there a year. That happens September 12th. I have concert tickets for September 18th, so I’ll at least be in Calgary until then. From there, who knows? I’d like to either do an internship somewhere, or maybe travel for a couple of months over the course of the next year – maybe go see Megs once she settles back into Pakistan, maybe some time in Europe, who knows?
Oh, and I added another book to my reading list. I finished Anne Lamott’s new book over the weekend. I have to say that I was somewhat disappointed in this one. Though the title alludes to the book being “thoughts on faith,” I found this to be her most political, least “spiritual” book so far, and felt after a while like I was being preached at, and it began to grate on me. I still enjoyed her thoughts, she still made me laugh, and even made me think, but this time it was, as I say, more grating. More of a “you need to see the world my way, or you’re wrong” sort of attitude.
Okay, with all of that off my chest, I’m going back to doing other things. Work remains slow, giving me the time necessary to write a long post like this…
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Long Day
I walked in the door half an hour ago. I've been on the go since 9:30 this morning. First getting ready to attend a wedding, then meeting a friend for lunch, then the wedding ceremony, then meeting one of my youth girls at an Asian market to buy ingredients, then cooking Thai food with ten youth girls as our first girls hang out night, in place of the Bible study that wasn't working out so well, then driving one of the girls to her friend's place for the night, on the other side of the city.
I'm exhausted. It's been a long week emotionally, relationally, and spiritually. I could use a vacation just at the moment, but in less than 12 hours I teach Sunday school. A chapter in the book we're studying that says it's about temptation, but is really about spiritual warfare. Talk about a subject that not only hits close to home lately, but one that I feel completely ill-equipped to discuss. Particularly in this setting. I grew up in the church I'm teaching in, and have only recently returned after attending elsewhere for 3 years or so. I honestly thought that spiritual warfare didn't really happen in the "developed world." I figured it was something you encountered in Thailand, or Africa, definitely not here. I'm wondering how many of the kids I'm teaching have the same sort of concept in their head.
Pray for me. I feel ill-prepared, not ready yet to face this topic, not even particularly motivated to teach. In fact, if I wasn't teaching tomorrow, I'd probably stay at home in bed, and catch up on some much needed rest. Pray that I meet Jesus as I pray and finish preparing in the morning, and as we have the worship service before I teach. Pray that every word that comes out of my mouth will be guided by him, and clear and simple, straight to the heart of the subject, and the heart of the hearers. Pray for me, because I don't think like a teacher - I don't naturally think in a way that engages learning in others, I naturally think like a preacher - I develop a thought fully, rather than pushing them to develop it on their own, and it's hard to engage a group of teenagers and young adults by preaching at them. Pray that they will be opening to broadening their conception of God by engaging this topic.
With that, I'm off to read, and slow my brain down for a little while, and then to sleep.
I'm exhausted. It's been a long week emotionally, relationally, and spiritually. I could use a vacation just at the moment, but in less than 12 hours I teach Sunday school. A chapter in the book we're studying that says it's about temptation, but is really about spiritual warfare. Talk about a subject that not only hits close to home lately, but one that I feel completely ill-equipped to discuss. Particularly in this setting. I grew up in the church I'm teaching in, and have only recently returned after attending elsewhere for 3 years or so. I honestly thought that spiritual warfare didn't really happen in the "developed world." I figured it was something you encountered in Thailand, or Africa, definitely not here. I'm wondering how many of the kids I'm teaching have the same sort of concept in their head.
Pray for me. I feel ill-prepared, not ready yet to face this topic, not even particularly motivated to teach. In fact, if I wasn't teaching tomorrow, I'd probably stay at home in bed, and catch up on some much needed rest. Pray that I meet Jesus as I pray and finish preparing in the morning, and as we have the worship service before I teach. Pray that every word that comes out of my mouth will be guided by him, and clear and simple, straight to the heart of the subject, and the heart of the hearers. Pray for me, because I don't think like a teacher - I don't naturally think in a way that engages learning in others, I naturally think like a preacher - I develop a thought fully, rather than pushing them to develop it on their own, and it's hard to engage a group of teenagers and young adults by preaching at them. Pray that they will be opening to broadening their conception of God by engaging this topic.
With that, I'm off to read, and slow my brain down for a little while, and then to sleep.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Reevaluating
I'm going to spend some time this week praying and re-evaluating the whole girl's Bible study thing. I talked with the pastor I work with this morning, since he was at my house for a meeting with the church board anyway. We're going to meet sometime this week and do some re-evaluating. I think I may do girl's hang out nights or something for a while, something to build some relationships and create some community among the girls, hopefully bust through some of the pre-existing cliques and create a larger sense of belonging.
I had one girl show up this morning. We skipped the study in favor of breakfast at Denny's. Pancakes, hashbrowns, sausages, and good conversation. A good chance to connect and talk to her about the things that have been going on in her life the last while.
I'm not sure where this will go next... have to spend some time figuring that out.
I had one girl show up this morning. We skipped the study in favor of breakfast at Denny's. Pancakes, hashbrowns, sausages, and good conversation. A good chance to connect and talk to her about the things that have been going on in her life the last while.
I'm not sure where this will go next... have to spend some time figuring that out.
Friday, March 09, 2007
Procrastinating
Right at this moment I should be preparing a Bible study. I have to teach one to a bunch of senior high and university girls tomorrow morning, and at this moment, with about 12 hours to go (hopefully some of those spent sleeping!) I have no earthly idea what we're going to talk about. We're supposed to be working our way through the Gospel of Mark, or at least that was my original plan, but I'm feeling somewhat uninspired about that plan just presently.
I'm finding it a rather immense challenge to lead a study for this group of girls. I never know who's coming from one week to the next, whether I'll have one girl, or three, or more (though I've never had more). The girls who had been regular attenders to this point can't make it tomorrow for an assortment of reasons, so it'll be a completely new bunch, with only one confirmed to be attending so far. Sometimes I wonder if we jumped into the whole study thing too soon? The youth pastor I'm working with was keen to get something started for the girls (he had the guys angle covered) but I have to wonder at times if it wasn't just that he wanted something to be happening for girls too? We may have rushed it a bit. I don't have huge levels of relationship or trust with most of the girls yet (though I do with some of the guys - mostly because I watched them grow up, while the girls are all new to the church). I'm just not entirely sure that this study is producing anything worthwhile, and that we shouldn't simply be organizing times of getting to know each other better, having coffees, shopping, and doing the things girls do together that still allow for great conversation, but take the pressure off...
Hard to say...
Well, now that I've lit candles around my room (maybe atmosphere is good for inspiration?) and procrastinated by writing a blog post, I suppose I better go do some praying, and see what I can come up with.
Is it really bad that I'm kind of hoping only one girl will show up, and then we can scrap the study entirely in favor of heading to a coffee shop to spend some time getting to know each other a bit better?
I'm finding it a rather immense challenge to lead a study for this group of girls. I never know who's coming from one week to the next, whether I'll have one girl, or three, or more (though I've never had more). The girls who had been regular attenders to this point can't make it tomorrow for an assortment of reasons, so it'll be a completely new bunch, with only one confirmed to be attending so far. Sometimes I wonder if we jumped into the whole study thing too soon? The youth pastor I'm working with was keen to get something started for the girls (he had the guys angle covered) but I have to wonder at times if it wasn't just that he wanted something to be happening for girls too? We may have rushed it a bit. I don't have huge levels of relationship or trust with most of the girls yet (though I do with some of the guys - mostly because I watched them grow up, while the girls are all new to the church). I'm just not entirely sure that this study is producing anything worthwhile, and that we shouldn't simply be organizing times of getting to know each other better, having coffees, shopping, and doing the things girls do together that still allow for great conversation, but take the pressure off...
Hard to say...
Well, now that I've lit candles around my room (maybe atmosphere is good for inspiration?) and procrastinated by writing a blog post, I suppose I better go do some praying, and see what I can come up with.
Is it really bad that I'm kind of hoping only one girl will show up, and then we can scrap the study entirely in favor of heading to a coffee shop to spend some time getting to know each other a bit better?
Thursday, March 08, 2007
An Affinity for a Dreaming King
I just came home from the final gathering of a Bible study that I've been a part of off and on since September. It's been taught by a brilliant teacher (though the group was entirely awkward) and we've been doing a basic survey of the Old Testament.
We worked our way through part of Daniel tonight, reading chronologically, rather than in the order the chapters are laid out.
I feel a definite affinity and sense of empathy for King Nebuchadnezzar and all his troubles with dreams. I laughed internally as we read of his fury at his advisors - "Tell me my dream and what it means, I'm greatly disturbed." Boy, do I know that feeling! There have been so many mornings over the course of my life and particularly lately where I come awake, and know I've been dreaming, for it has left a sense of disturbance, and even fear at times in my emotions, but I have no idea why. I'd love to have someone who could tell me what I dreamed and what it meant. And then he dreams again, and this time he can remember the dream, and repeat it, but still can't quite figure it out. Been there, done that. (Just ask the friends who regularly get emails from me asking if they have any insight into this dream or that dream!) I understand this guy, who suddenly finds himself blindsided in his sleep by God, and can't quite figure out what to do with it.
Did you know that I haven't slept through the night (more than 4 or very occasionally 5 straight hours) in at least two months now? I don't dream every night - but I do dream most nights. I don't retain most of the dreams, just the damage they do to my emotional and spiritual equilibrium. The ones I do retain, I rarely seem to understand. I'm thrilled that God is speaking. (But I really would like to sleep at least a couple times a week.) Often I wake to voices, though I rarely retain the words, strong pictures, things repeating over and over again as I toss and turn through the night, but not ingraining themselves strongly enough that I can remember and respond when I wake.
Like I said, I feel a certain empathy for this Babylonian king who was ambushed by God Most High while he slept.
We worked our way through part of Daniel tonight, reading chronologically, rather than in the order the chapters are laid out.
I feel a definite affinity and sense of empathy for King Nebuchadnezzar and all his troubles with dreams. I laughed internally as we read of his fury at his advisors - "Tell me my dream and what it means, I'm greatly disturbed." Boy, do I know that feeling! There have been so many mornings over the course of my life and particularly lately where I come awake, and know I've been dreaming, for it has left a sense of disturbance, and even fear at times in my emotions, but I have no idea why. I'd love to have someone who could tell me what I dreamed and what it meant. And then he dreams again, and this time he can remember the dream, and repeat it, but still can't quite figure it out. Been there, done that. (Just ask the friends who regularly get emails from me asking if they have any insight into this dream or that dream!) I understand this guy, who suddenly finds himself blindsided in his sleep by God, and can't quite figure out what to do with it.
Did you know that I haven't slept through the night (more than 4 or very occasionally 5 straight hours) in at least two months now? I don't dream every night - but I do dream most nights. I don't retain most of the dreams, just the damage they do to my emotional and spiritual equilibrium. The ones I do retain, I rarely seem to understand. I'm thrilled that God is speaking. (But I really would like to sleep at least a couple times a week.) Often I wake to voices, though I rarely retain the words, strong pictures, things repeating over and over again as I toss and turn through the night, but not ingraining themselves strongly enough that I can remember and respond when I wake.
Like I said, I feel a certain empathy for this Babylonian king who was ambushed by God Most High while he slept.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
