Wilderness or Battle: Tired of the Long Way

The weekend was brutal.  Really, the last two or three weeks have been brutal, but I haven't known how to describe them.

I still don't have words, really.

I'm sick today.  Most likely from stress, and a hangover of the many tears shed the last few days.

I had a brutal nightmare this morning at 4 am.

A vivid combination of processing some of the many hard emotions of the weekend, and the blatantly demonic.

At least I was able to fall back asleep for a while after this one.

I'm dealing with a particular icky manifestation of some of what had gone on in the past.

A manifestation that I thought gone, rather permanently.

And life is broken.

Because the weekend was rough, there aren't posts scheduled for this week.  Maybe I'll get to that, but I might not.  It might just have to be a sporadic blogging sort of week.

My heart aches.

I found myself thinking this morning about a post I wrote quite a while back, now. 

I talked about the Dixie Chicks song, "The Long Way Around".

I'm tired of taking the long way, today.  I'm tired of the journey of healing not being instantaneous.  My head reminds me that it usually isn't, that this is not unusual, and that I will walk through this, one step after another, if I can only just manage to keep walking.

It's been two long years now
Since the top of the world came crashing down
And I'm getting' it back on the road now
But I'm taking the long way
Taking the long way around
I'm taking the long way
Taking the long way around
The long
The long way around

Well, I fought with a stranger and I met myself
I opened my mouth and I heard myself
It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself
Guess I could have made it easier on myself
But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow
Well, I never seem to do it like anybody else
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
If you ever want to find me I can still be found
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around

It's actually been close to three years now, since the events that started some of the crashing in of my world.

And in my more generous moments, I can choose to see all the beauty that has also occurred in those three years.

Or to see the beginning of that crashing in as beginning the journey of healing.

In my more generous and faith and hope-filled moments.

The rest of the time (and even in some of those generous moments)?  I'm tired of taking the long way.

I read these rather telling verses in Exodus the other day, "When Pharaoh finally let the people go, God did not lead them along the main road that runs through Philistine territory, even though that was the shortest route to the Promised Land.  God said, 'If the people are faced with a battle, they might change their mind and return to Egypt.  So God let them in a roundabout way through the wilderness toward the Red Sea."  (Exodus 13:17-18)

"If they're faced with a battle they might change their mind."  He gave them a wilderness instead of a battle.  It doesn't seem like a better option, really.  And granted, the children of Israel aren't exactly known for their happy and compliant spirits. 

I'm tired of the long way.  But I'm not sure that I prefer the battle that seems to be the other option.  And so I find myself, standing, feeling somewhat paralyzed, as I wait to figure what step comes next.

Easter Monday thoughts

It's Easter Monday and I'm at the office alone.  We're technically closed today, but I had a lot to do, and decided to work for at least a portion of today, and earn some lieu time for later.  It's actually kind of nice to be here alone.  It's so quiet, no phones ringing.  I'm wearing jeans, and have worship music playing.  It's maybe one of the more peaceful places I've been in a while (ironic if you know much about the drama that often consumes my workplace.)

If I'm honest, Easter felt disappointing.

I wanted it to be some triumphant overcoming thing.  To bring some dramatic shift in a number of things in my life that are really challenging at the moment.  To bring change.  Instead, it was quiet.  A celebration of resurrection, to be sure, but no tangible change, not even in hope.  A day that ended up draining what little energy reserves I had remaining, so that, by the end of the evening, all I could think was how badly I wanted a hug, and how badly I wanted to live closer to a dear friend, and just let her hold me while I sobbed out all the stress and exhaustion.

So, this morning I'll start again.

Fight again.

For hope.

And joy.

And thankfulness.

Because even after pushing for that for months and months, it doesn't seem easy most days.

I'll start by enjoying the quiet here at the office.

And the fact that I am legitimately away from the tensions of my living situation. 

And the fact that though I'm working extra hours, I'll receive equal hours sometime in the future, at a time when others will be working.

And the wearing of jeans.

And my cup of passion tea.

And with that, I'm off to tackle the first on the longish list of tasks that I came here to accomplish today.

Going to Fight for It

Yesterday was actually a fairly decent day at work.

But I really, really fought for that.

I don't think I realized how hard I fought for it until I stepped out of the building at the end of the day, breathed a sigh of relief, and almost melted into a puddle of tears and exhaustion.

I slept restlessly again last night, and I'm even more tired today.

I had a bit of a shock when I woke up this morning, that made me catch my breath, and spun me just a little.

I'm going to fight for another good day.

I know after yesterday that it's a battle I CAN win.

But it's a bit more of an overwhelming thought today.

There is none of yesterday's blind determination today.

Just the knowing that it is indeed an incredible fight.

And I will fight for it.

But the very thought makes me want to melt in a puddle of tears.

I don't realize all the time just how exhausting the process of changing thought patterns is. How hard it is to make choice after choice after choice to see the world differently from that which is the most natural and habitual way of seeing for me.

Or just how draining it is to keep all of the negative energy, the anger, tension and stress that floats around my office from affecting me.

Or how I get tired of working my butt off without being thanked.

You know those "love language" things? I'm totally a words of affirmation and gifts girl. Someone thanking me or offering a compliment or a word of encouragement really does make an incredible difference in my day. Someone seeing how hard I'm fighting and taking the time to comment really does give strength for the battle. And, while I'm working on finding that true affirmation primarily in Jesus, that identity and worth only in Him, those words of encouragement still really do help.

Thankfully I don't see every day how difficult it is to do all those things differently, to see and think and choose and be different.

So, here I go.

I'm going to fight for it.

We'll see how it goes.