For those few of us in the world who are church history majors, the first thing that springs to mind upon realizing it's October 31st is not Halloween, but Reformation Day.
I was thinking about the word "reformation" today. To reform. re-form.
I love that prefix "re". Speaks of new opportunities, of second, and third, and fifth and seventeenth chances.
Re-birth. Re-newal. Re-form. Re-think. Re-do.
I love that Jesus offers "re" to us. I love that there is forgiveness, and an invitation to begin all over again.
Celebrating reformation day today!
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Coming Soon...
Okay... I have a really great post swirling around my head, but I have to get to the other side of several crazy work deadlines first. They all end, the end of the day today. Everything has to be done, because I'm not in the office for the next two days. One day for retreat, one to head out of town to see friends for the weekend.
So, possibly as soon as tonight, expect great things on the blog. Or maybe tomorrow or Friday. Depends on how much I do tonight so that tomorrow really is a day of rest. And it depends on how much I feel like writing a blog post fits with the whole resting thing. But soon.
See you then!
So, possibly as soon as tonight, expect great things on the blog. Or maybe tomorrow or Friday. Depends on how much I do tonight so that tomorrow really is a day of rest. And it depends on how much I feel like writing a blog post fits with the whole resting thing. But soon.
See you then!
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
praying for Peru
my friend Alex translated the Lord's prayer for me tonight... I learned it in Spanish in high school, but had forgotten the last half of it... I'm praying it in Spanish tonight, praying towards Peru.... (forgive the missing accents!)
Padre neustro que estas en los cielos
santificado sea tu nombre
Venga a nosotros tu reino
Hagase tu voluntad
En la tierra, asi como en el cielo
Danos hoy nuestro pan do cada dia
Perdona neustras ofensas como tambien
perdonamos a los que no ofenden
no nos dejes caer en tentacion, mas libranos del mal,
porque tuyo es el poder, el reino y la gloria
por los siglos de los siglos.
Amen.
Padre neustro que estas en los cielos
santificado sea tu nombre
Venga a nosotros tu reino
Hagase tu voluntad
En la tierra, asi como en el cielo
Danos hoy nuestro pan do cada dia
Perdona neustras ofensas como tambien
perdonamos a los que no ofenden
no nos dejes caer en tentacion, mas libranos del mal,
porque tuyo es el poder, el reino y la gloria
por los siglos de los siglos.
Amen.
The Weakest in the Center - Henri Nouwen
I love this bit from Henri Nouwen. The idea of the importance of the weakest among us, the ones who hold us together and add dignity, childlikeness, beauty.
The Weakest in the Center
The most honored parts of the body are not the head or the hands, which lead and control. The most important parts are the least presentable parts. That's the mystery of the Church. As a people called out of oppression to freedom, we must recognize that it is the weakest among us - the elderly, the small children, the handicapped, the mentally ill, the hungry and sick - who form the real center. Paul says, "It is the parts of the body which we consider least dignified, that we surround with the greatest dignity" (1 Corinthians 12:23).
The Church as the people of God can truly embody of the living Christ among us only when the poor remain its most treasured part. Care for the poor, therefore, is much more than Christian charity. It is the essence of being the body of Christ.
The Weakest in the Center
The most honored parts of the body are not the head or the hands, which lead and control. The most important parts are the least presentable parts. That's the mystery of the Church. As a people called out of oppression to freedom, we must recognize that it is the weakest among us - the elderly, the small children, the handicapped, the mentally ill, the hungry and sick - who form the real center. Paul says, "It is the parts of the body which we consider least dignified, that we surround with the greatest dignity" (1 Corinthians 12:23).
The Church as the people of God can truly embody of the living Christ among us only when the poor remain its most treasured part. Care for the poor, therefore, is much more than Christian charity. It is the essence of being the body of Christ.
Monday, October 29, 2007
tired...
I think I slept about 3 hours last night, maybe 4. I woke over and over again.
So many things on my mind and heart. And dreams - always the dreams.
Friends in tough spaces. Grief. Anxiety. Fear.
My own weird pastor's kid day yesterday...
Mom had some health issues today - things that had the potential to be serious. She was home alone, which concerned me. Worked out okay - she managed to takes medication in time to stop the onslaught of the worse symptoms she's had in the past.
My baby brother is having surgery later this week to hopefully allow him to go back to playing guitar.
Went to a lecture tonight. My favorite prof from university, lecturing on the topics I loved. So good to use that part of my brain again.
Praying for sleep tonight. The dreamless, non-waking kind.
Praying for friends and family.
Praying for health and safety, for protection over the lives of many.
Have spent much of today making mental "smile lists" - needing to make choices for joy and thankfulness in the midst of some heavier things.
So in love with Jesus, and so confused with how wildly up and down that plays out in real life.
I'm going to bed. I need to sleep, and regain perspective.
See you tomorrow.
So many things on my mind and heart. And dreams - always the dreams.
Friends in tough spaces. Grief. Anxiety. Fear.
My own weird pastor's kid day yesterday...
Mom had some health issues today - things that had the potential to be serious. She was home alone, which concerned me. Worked out okay - she managed to takes medication in time to stop the onslaught of the worse symptoms she's had in the past.
My baby brother is having surgery later this week to hopefully allow him to go back to playing guitar.
Went to a lecture tonight. My favorite prof from university, lecturing on the topics I loved. So good to use that part of my brain again.
Praying for sleep tonight. The dreamless, non-waking kind.
Praying for friends and family.
Praying for health and safety, for protection over the lives of many.
Have spent much of today making mental "smile lists" - needing to make choices for joy and thankfulness in the midst of some heavier things.
So in love with Jesus, and so confused with how wildly up and down that plays out in real life.
I'm going to bed. I need to sleep, and regain perspective.
See you tomorrow.
Ouch!
I promise a post full of my thoughts sometime later today... (or with at least some of my own thoughts!) However, in the meantime, given the odd churchy day I had yesterday, and the things I'm wrestling with, these two bits from Henri Nouwen (particularly the first one) stung a bit this morning...
Forgiving the Church
When we have been wounded by the Church, our temptation is to reject it. But when we reject the Church it becomes very hard for us to keep in touch with the living Christ. When we say, "I love Jesus, but I hate the Church," we end up losing not only the Church but Jesus too. The challenge is to forgive the Church. This challenge is especially great because the Church seldom asks us for forgiveness, at least not officially. But the Church as an often fallible human organization needs our forgiveness, while the Church as the living Christ among us continues to offer us forgiveness.
It is important to think about the Church not as "over there" but as a community of struggling, weak people of whom we are part and in whom we meet our Lord and Redeemer.
Our Spiritual Leaders
The Church as the body of Christ has many faces. The Church prays and worships. It speaks words of instruction and healing, cleanses us from our sins, invites us to the table of the Lord, binds us together in a covenant of love, sends us out to minister, anoints us when we are sick or dying, and accompanies us in our search for meaning and our daily need for support. All these faces might not come to us from those we look up to as our leaders. But when we live our lives with a simple trust that Jesus comes to us in our Church, we will see the Church's ministry in places and in faces where we least expect it.
If we truly love Jesus, Jesus will send us the people to give us what we most need. And they are our spiritual leaders.
Forgiving the Church
When we have been wounded by the Church, our temptation is to reject it. But when we reject the Church it becomes very hard for us to keep in touch with the living Christ. When we say, "I love Jesus, but I hate the Church," we end up losing not only the Church but Jesus too. The challenge is to forgive the Church. This challenge is especially great because the Church seldom asks us for forgiveness, at least not officially. But the Church as an often fallible human organization needs our forgiveness, while the Church as the living Christ among us continues to offer us forgiveness.
It is important to think about the Church not as "over there" but as a community of struggling, weak people of whom we are part and in whom we meet our Lord and Redeemer.
Our Spiritual Leaders
The Church as the body of Christ has many faces. The Church prays and worships. It speaks words of instruction and healing, cleanses us from our sins, invites us to the table of the Lord, binds us together in a covenant of love, sends us out to minister, anoints us when we are sick or dying, and accompanies us in our search for meaning and our daily need for support. All these faces might not come to us from those we look up to as our leaders. But when we live our lives with a simple trust that Jesus comes to us in our Church, we will see the Church's ministry in places and in faces where we least expect it.
If we truly love Jesus, Jesus will send us the people to give us what we most need. And they are our spiritual leaders.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
working to receive...
okay, so... church this morning was.... interesting...
feeling confused at the moment, frustrated, uncertain...
they thanked our family for the example we've been over the years... I hope everyone had their eyes closed during that moment of prayer... I'm pretty sure my face would have betrayed me at that moment... lots of pastor's kid frustration buried in that word "example"....
working to receive the other things they prayed, beautiful, sincere, thankful things... feeling like they're getting lost in the conflicted stuff having to do with my feelings having to do with being a pastor's kid, with resentment over being made an example for so many years...
feeling confused at the moment, frustrated, uncertain...
they thanked our family for the example we've been over the years... I hope everyone had their eyes closed during that moment of prayer... I'm pretty sure my face would have betrayed me at that moment... lots of pastor's kid frustration buried in that word "example"....
working to receive the other things they prayed, beautiful, sincere, thankful things... feeling like they're getting lost in the conflicted stuff having to do with my feelings having to do with being a pastor's kid, with resentment over being made an example for so many years...
thinking about church again
So here's a realization I woke up with this morning, one that kind of unnerves me given that I've spent the week putting posts from Henri Nouwen on my blog, telling me why I need to love the church.
I don't have any motivation to get out of bed on Sunday morning and go to church unless I'm scheduled to teach Sunday school that day. Unless I have a job to do, I don't want to be there.
Thing is, I still love the idea of church, but the church I'm at is frustrating. I know Jesus is working there, I know I'm supposed to be there, but at this moment, I think I hate it. Or at least resent the fact that I'm supposed to be there.
It's just that in my head, church is about meeting with God, in the presence of other people who are meeting with God alongside you. It's also about meeting God in conversations, in prayer, in worship - all of this done with people who have shared hearts with you (no matter how many differences in personality, opinion, etc. you have).
Church for me lately has been happening in coffee shops, in shopping malls, restaurants, long phone calls with friends, in moments in my bedroom with candles and incense, in moments on the bus, in a small group that meets in my living room every couple weeks, in lunch dates and email conversations.
This morning I'd love to stay at home, but it's not an option. True, I'm not teaching Sunday school today, but every year on the last Sunday of October, the church I've been going to for most of the last 14 years has done a "pastor's appreciation Sunday". So, in favor of the whole "honor your father and mother" thing, I need to be at church this morning.
ugh. tired, not excited, but trusting that even in the moments when I least want to be there, Jesus will honor the whole "where 2 or 3 are gathered" principle and I'll meet with him somewhere over the course of the morning or day.
I don't have any motivation to get out of bed on Sunday morning and go to church unless I'm scheduled to teach Sunday school that day. Unless I have a job to do, I don't want to be there.
Thing is, I still love the idea of church, but the church I'm at is frustrating. I know Jesus is working there, I know I'm supposed to be there, but at this moment, I think I hate it. Or at least resent the fact that I'm supposed to be there.
It's just that in my head, church is about meeting with God, in the presence of other people who are meeting with God alongside you. It's also about meeting God in conversations, in prayer, in worship - all of this done with people who have shared hearts with you (no matter how many differences in personality, opinion, etc. you have).
Church for me lately has been happening in coffee shops, in shopping malls, restaurants, long phone calls with friends, in moments in my bedroom with candles and incense, in moments on the bus, in a small group that meets in my living room every couple weeks, in lunch dates and email conversations.
This morning I'd love to stay at home, but it's not an option. True, I'm not teaching Sunday school today, but every year on the last Sunday of October, the church I've been going to for most of the last 14 years has done a "pastor's appreciation Sunday". So, in favor of the whole "honor your father and mother" thing, I need to be at church this morning.
ugh. tired, not excited, but trusting that even in the moments when I least want to be there, Jesus will honor the whole "where 2 or 3 are gathered" principle and I'll meet with him somewhere over the course of the morning or day.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
park
Late last night I sat in front of a computer screen with two questions on it:
What worked this week?
What didn't work this week?
I spent probably 40 minutes, thinking and praying carefully through my last week, and evaluating what had been life-giving, and what had been life-taking, and as I thought and prayed, I wrote it down.
I've known since early in the week that it would be good to find the time to head for the park I often go to to think and pray. I've known I needed that time away from distractions, but I haven't been able to find it.
I love Saturday mornings. I sleep in a bit (usually 8-8:30ish - an hour and a half or two hours longer than I sleep the rest of the week) and then I generally get up and spend time with Jesus in my living room, quietly, before my roommate (who sleeps in quite a bit longer) gets up. I knew, though, that I needed the park time this week, so I checked with my roommate last night to make sure it was okay, and arranged to use her car (to save me walking to the bus, waiting for the bus, taking the bus, then reversing the process at the other end) for this time before she wakes up, and I'm headed for the park now.
I have a busy weekend ahead, and need this hour or so alone with Jesus.
See you later!
What worked this week?
What didn't work this week?
I spent probably 40 minutes, thinking and praying carefully through my last week, and evaluating what had been life-giving, and what had been life-taking, and as I thought and prayed, I wrote it down.
I've known since early in the week that it would be good to find the time to head for the park I often go to to think and pray. I've known I needed that time away from distractions, but I haven't been able to find it.
I love Saturday mornings. I sleep in a bit (usually 8-8:30ish - an hour and a half or two hours longer than I sleep the rest of the week) and then I generally get up and spend time with Jesus in my living room, quietly, before my roommate (who sleeps in quite a bit longer) gets up. I knew, though, that I needed the park time this week, so I checked with my roommate last night to make sure it was okay, and arranged to use her car (to save me walking to the bus, waiting for the bus, taking the bus, then reversing the process at the other end) for this time before she wakes up, and I'm headed for the park now.
I have a busy weekend ahead, and need this hour or so alone with Jesus.
See you later!
Friday, October 26, 2007
Friday night...
A friend paid my home the highest compliment I could ever ask for the other night. A friend with a great deal of spiritual discernment. She said, "I like your house. It's peaceful. I feel the Lord's presence here." That's been my prayer for this place since we moved in... That Jesus would be present in my home to all those who enter it.
I hadn't really thought about that comment until I walked into my front door tonight.
There's something about atmosphere that either adds clarity or confusion. I've been really sensitive to the spiritual atmosphere in various places lately - it's a new thing for me, and is taking some getting used to. I've also been picking up the emotions of other people - beginning to feel them. I sort of tend to forget that these things have been affecting me because it's so new...
I walked in my front door tonight, and my whole mood changed.
I realized quite suddenly that some of the things that made my day feel completely miserable, were not actually mine... some of the hopeless and despair, the anger and frustration that had descended belonged to some of the people I work with, and to the atmosphere. So I spent a large portion of my day, exhausted, frustrated, angry, fighting off things that weren't even mine.
Let's just say that I'm really, really glad to be home for the evening.
I rented several episodes of "Studio Sixty on the Sunset Strip". I love Aaron Sorkin's writing. I love his idealistic characters. I love the fast and witty dialogue.
I have books nearby - approximately the same titles I listed in my post last night. I've lit candles, I'm going to make tea pretty soon. I'm going to eat a mandarin, and I'm going to rest for an evening.
I hadn't really thought about that comment until I walked into my front door tonight.
There's something about atmosphere that either adds clarity or confusion. I've been really sensitive to the spiritual atmosphere in various places lately - it's a new thing for me, and is taking some getting used to. I've also been picking up the emotions of other people - beginning to feel them. I sort of tend to forget that these things have been affecting me because it's so new...
I walked in my front door tonight, and my whole mood changed.
I realized quite suddenly that some of the things that made my day feel completely miserable, were not actually mine... some of the hopeless and despair, the anger and frustration that had descended belonged to some of the people I work with, and to the atmosphere. So I spent a large portion of my day, exhausted, frustrated, angry, fighting off things that weren't even mine.
Let's just say that I'm really, really glad to be home for the evening.
I rented several episodes of "Studio Sixty on the Sunset Strip". I love Aaron Sorkin's writing. I love his idealistic characters. I love the fast and witty dialogue.
I have books nearby - approximately the same titles I listed in my post last night. I've lit candles, I'm going to make tea pretty soon. I'm going to eat a mandarin, and I'm going to rest for an evening.
Lisa is...
I love the "status" function on facebook... it's become a game to me to come up with some sort of either blunt or cryptic sentence describing my state of being at the moment I'm writing it.
Here are some possibilities for right now (you'll have to look me up on facebook to see what I choose!)
Lisa is needing a night of sleep without dreams.
Lisa is getting paid to kill trees (death by photocopying) this week.
Lisa is experiencing a great deal of sudden onset work stress. (Because just at this moment I am!)
Lisa is extraordinarly glad that it is already half-way through the Friday work day.
Lisa is suddenly completely spent - mentally, emotionally physically, spiritually.
Lisa is feeling like crying.
Here are some possibilities for right now (you'll have to look me up on facebook to see what I choose!)
Lisa is needing a night of sleep without dreams.
Lisa is getting paid to kill trees (death by photocopying) this week.
Lisa is experiencing a great deal of sudden onset work stress. (Because just at this moment I am!)
Lisa is extraordinarly glad that it is already half-way through the Friday work day.
Lisa is suddenly completely spent - mentally, emotionally physically, spiritually.
Lisa is feeling like crying.
Dreaming....(again)
The last couple of nights have been restless again.
I'm learning to be okay with the moments when my dreams are clear and vivid - even if they're disturbing, because at least I can then write them down, pray through and process them. And Jesus seems to be speaking quite a lot in my dreams again lately - which (while I still wish at times He'd pick another time and method) is generally a very good thing.
It's the moments like the last two nights that I don't like. The ones where I wake up in the morning, and know I've been dreaming through the whole night - flashes of images and emotions, but nothing is retained. Just a general uneasyness, and a sense of things poking at the edges of my conciousness, trying to be remembered, and just not quite making it.
I've learned that sometimes my soul prays while I'm asleep. This seems totally bizarre to my conceptions of prayer from my growing up years, but there are days when I wake, and know, quite simply, that my soul has been taking advantage of the fact that my mind is asleep to talk with Jesus about the cares and concerns of my heart. I actually really like this most times - though not exactly completely restful, I do wake up generally peaceful, and lighter, for having the cares of my heart communicated to the Lord in a deep way.
I think these last few nights have been a combination of prayer, and something else, and I'm tired, and, quite honestly, hoping for dreamless sleep over the next few nights.
There are things poking, nudging, rattling at the edges of my conciousness again today - things from my sleep the last two nights. Not sure what they are, but am feeling tired, unsettled...
Needing a day of rest - the physical kind, and the spiritual kind. A whole day, or maybe more. A day for sleep. A day for reading. A day for eating good food. A day for drinking tea. A day for writing. A day for talking with Jesus.
I actually have a bit of a retreat day planned for Thursday, November 1st. A special anniversary for me, and a day I'd booked off work to accomodate an event that actually doesn't begin until the next day.
My weekend is looking busy. An appointment with a friend tomorrow. Another for lunch on Sunday after church. Hopefully some rest time in between - I've taken tonight off - debating the merits of going to a movie solo. I want to see the Beatles musical that's playing... May just rent something, or stay in and lay in a hot bath with a couple good books. Cooking dinner either tonight or tomorrow night - the ingredients are waiting in my refrigerator...
Hoping to make it until Thursday, through incredibly busy days at work, and socially. Trusting Jesus to give just enough strength and energy for each moment, as I spend quite a bit of time with troubled friends the next several days.
I'm learning to be okay with the moments when my dreams are clear and vivid - even if they're disturbing, because at least I can then write them down, pray through and process them. And Jesus seems to be speaking quite a lot in my dreams again lately - which (while I still wish at times He'd pick another time and method) is generally a very good thing.
It's the moments like the last two nights that I don't like. The ones where I wake up in the morning, and know I've been dreaming through the whole night - flashes of images and emotions, but nothing is retained. Just a general uneasyness, and a sense of things poking at the edges of my conciousness, trying to be remembered, and just not quite making it.
I've learned that sometimes my soul prays while I'm asleep. This seems totally bizarre to my conceptions of prayer from my growing up years, but there are days when I wake, and know, quite simply, that my soul has been taking advantage of the fact that my mind is asleep to talk with Jesus about the cares and concerns of my heart. I actually really like this most times - though not exactly completely restful, I do wake up generally peaceful, and lighter, for having the cares of my heart communicated to the Lord in a deep way.
I think these last few nights have been a combination of prayer, and something else, and I'm tired, and, quite honestly, hoping for dreamless sleep over the next few nights.
There are things poking, nudging, rattling at the edges of my conciousness again today - things from my sleep the last two nights. Not sure what they are, but am feeling tired, unsettled...
Needing a day of rest - the physical kind, and the spiritual kind. A whole day, or maybe more. A day for sleep. A day for reading. A day for eating good food. A day for drinking tea. A day for writing. A day for talking with Jesus.
I actually have a bit of a retreat day planned for Thursday, November 1st. A special anniversary for me, and a day I'd booked off work to accomodate an event that actually doesn't begin until the next day.
My weekend is looking busy. An appointment with a friend tomorrow. Another for lunch on Sunday after church. Hopefully some rest time in between - I've taken tonight off - debating the merits of going to a movie solo. I want to see the Beatles musical that's playing... May just rent something, or stay in and lay in a hot bath with a couple good books. Cooking dinner either tonight or tomorrow night - the ingredients are waiting in my refrigerator...
Hoping to make it until Thursday, through incredibly busy days at work, and socially. Trusting Jesus to give just enough strength and energy for each moment, as I spend quite a bit of time with troubled friends the next several days.
In the news...
It's been a while since I posted the news headlines that were catching my eye on a given day, but here are a few from today...
Keeping up the Hard Line on Cuba
As a dual Canadian/American citizen I find the whole topic of Cuba interesting, since the two countries approach their relations with Cuba in such dramatically different fashions. I'm also wondering, as a dual citizen, how it works if I were to ever want to vacation in Cuba - as a Canadian I can, but as an American? How does that work anyway? (Not that I'm planning a Cuban vacation anytime soon... just something I've wondered about from time to time...)
Burma Frees 70 Protesters
Because I know some people who live and work near the Burmese border with Thailand.
In Search of Stolen Saints
Because I find iconography and religious art and history fascinating, and because the title really did catch my eye.
Man Who Sexually Abused Daughter Gets 10 Years
Because I know so many who are abuse victims, and this man's actions made me incredibly angry. 10 years just doesn't seem long enough for someone who began abusing his daughter at 3 weeks old.
Keeping up the Hard Line on Cuba
As a dual Canadian/American citizen I find the whole topic of Cuba interesting, since the two countries approach their relations with Cuba in such dramatically different fashions. I'm also wondering, as a dual citizen, how it works if I were to ever want to vacation in Cuba - as a Canadian I can, but as an American? How does that work anyway? (Not that I'm planning a Cuban vacation anytime soon... just something I've wondered about from time to time...)
Burma Frees 70 Protesters
Because I know some people who live and work near the Burmese border with Thailand.
In Search of Stolen Saints
Because I find iconography and religious art and history fascinating, and because the title really did catch my eye.
Man Who Sexually Abused Daughter Gets 10 Years
Because I know so many who are abuse victims, and this man's actions made me incredibly angry. 10 years just doesn't seem long enough for someone who began abusing his daughter at 3 weeks old.
The Authority of Compassion - Henri Nouwen
Continuing the thoughts on Jesus and church from Henri Nouwen...
The Authority of Compassion
The Church often wounds us deeply. People with religious authority often wound us by their words, attitudes, and demands. Precisely because our religion brings us in touch with the questions of life and death, our religious sensibilities can get hurt most easily. Ministers and priests seldom fully realize how a critical remark, a gesture of rejection, or an act of impatience can be remembered for life by those to whom it is directed.
There is such an enormous hunger for meaning in life, for comfort and consolation, for forgiveness and reconciliation, for restoration and healing, that anyone who has any authority in the Church should constantly be reminded that the best word to characterize religious authority is compassion. Let's keep looking at Jesus whose authority was expressed in compassion.
The Authority of Compassion
The Church often wounds us deeply. People with religious authority often wound us by their words, attitudes, and demands. Precisely because our religion brings us in touch with the questions of life and death, our religious sensibilities can get hurt most easily. Ministers and priests seldom fully realize how a critical remark, a gesture of rejection, or an act of impatience can be remembered for life by those to whom it is directed.
There is such an enormous hunger for meaning in life, for comfort and consolation, for forgiveness and reconciliation, for restoration and healing, that anyone who has any authority in the Church should constantly be reminded that the best word to characterize religious authority is compassion. Let's keep looking at Jesus whose authority was expressed in compassion.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Scheduling and Prioritizing
I'm thinking a lot about scheduling and prioritizing again lately. Having conversations with a variety of friends. Reading a book another friend recommended I pick up.
Needing to figure out what exactly the most important things are. Knowing what some of them are, and needing to figure out how to give them the time they deserve. Needing to build white space into my life on a regular basis - not just on unexpected evenings like tonight when something is canceled.
I fell asleep on the couch trying to read and pray for the last hour... I had an abnormally late night last night, abnormally early morning this morning, but still... needing to find a way to rest more consistently...
laying here, thinking about priorities, and half-way watching my television show... going to bed soon...
----------------
Now playing: Frou Frou - Let Go
via FoxyTunes
Needing to figure out what exactly the most important things are. Knowing what some of them are, and needing to figure out how to give them the time they deserve. Needing to build white space into my life on a regular basis - not just on unexpected evenings like tonight when something is canceled.
I fell asleep on the couch trying to read and pray for the last hour... I had an abnormally late night last night, abnormally early morning this morning, but still... needing to find a way to rest more consistently...
laying here, thinking about priorities, and half-way watching my television show... going to bed soon...
----------------
Now playing: Frou Frou - Let Go
via FoxyTunes
An Evening In...
I have an unexpected quiet evening... plans fell through so I did some errands, and now, I'm enjoying a quiet house.
I don't get a lot of evenings alone these days, but my roommate is out of town for a couple of days, so I have the house to myself...
I have all the essentials within arms reach.
A cup of lemon mango fruit infusion loose tea.
A couple of cookies.
Candles are lit, and burnt some incense a bit earlier so the smell is still hanging in the air.
Tonight I'm going to do some reading, a variety of sources...
I have the following titles within arm's reach:
C.S. Lewis "The Silver Chair"
The Autobiography of George Muller
J. Matthew Sleeth, MD "Serve God, Save the Planet"
Lauren Winner "Mudhouse Sabbath"
Andy Stanley "Choosing to Cheat"
Jeannie Ostreicher & Larry Warner "Imaginative Prayer for Youth Ministry"
Andy Freeman & Pete Greig "Punk Monk"
and a pen - because I can't read without a pen...
Grey's Anatomy is on later... love that show, may watch, may not... the commercials are showing a Halloween episode - looks a bit creepy and not sure I can watch that before sleeping...
I'll probably turn some music on soon.... maybe the soundtrack to Garden State, or maybe something from Jason Upton or Jacob and Lily...
see you later....
I don't get a lot of evenings alone these days, but my roommate is out of town for a couple of days, so I have the house to myself...
I have all the essentials within arms reach.
A cup of lemon mango fruit infusion loose tea.
A couple of cookies.
Candles are lit, and burnt some incense a bit earlier so the smell is still hanging in the air.
Tonight I'm going to do some reading, a variety of sources...
I have the following titles within arm's reach:
C.S. Lewis "The Silver Chair"
The Autobiography of George Muller
J. Matthew Sleeth, MD "Serve God, Save the Planet"
Lauren Winner "Mudhouse Sabbath"
Andy Stanley "Choosing to Cheat"
Jeannie Ostreicher & Larry Warner "Imaginative Prayer for Youth Ministry"
Andy Freeman & Pete Greig "Punk Monk"
and a pen - because I can't read without a pen...
Grey's Anatomy is on later... love that show, may watch, may not... the commercials are showing a Halloween episode - looks a bit creepy and not sure I can watch that before sleeping...
I'll probably turn some music on soon.... maybe the soundtrack to Garden State, or maybe something from Jason Upton or Jacob and Lily...
see you later....
More on church from Henri Nouwen
For a week or two now, the daily reflections from the Henri Nouwen society have had to do with church, and they've served as strong reminders for me. I've stuck a bunch of them up here for you too.
The one today reminds me of a conversation I had on the phone with a dear friend on the weekend... we talked a bit about church, and recovering from church, and having a heart for the church...
Meeting Christ in the Church
Loving the Church does not require romantic emotions. It requires the will to see the living Christ among his people and to love them as we want to love Christ himself. This is true not only for the "little" people - the poor, the oppressed, the forgotten - but also for the "big" people who exercise authority in the Church.
To love the Church means to be willing to meet Jesus wherever we go in the Church. This love doesn't mean agreeing with or approving of everyone's ideas or behavior. On the contrary, it can call us to confront those who hide Christ from us. But whether we confront or affirm, criticize or praise, we can only become fruitful when our words and actions come from hearts that love the Church.
The one today reminds me of a conversation I had on the phone with a dear friend on the weekend... we talked a bit about church, and recovering from church, and having a heart for the church...
Meeting Christ in the Church
Loving the Church does not require romantic emotions. It requires the will to see the living Christ among his people and to love them as we want to love Christ himself. This is true not only for the "little" people - the poor, the oppressed, the forgotten - but also for the "big" people who exercise authority in the Church.
To love the Church means to be willing to meet Jesus wherever we go in the Church. This love doesn't mean agreeing with or approving of everyone's ideas or behavior. On the contrary, it can call us to confront those who hide Christ from us. But whether we confront or affirm, criticize or praise, we can only become fruitful when our words and actions come from hearts that love the Church.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
thankful, take 2
Okay... still fighting through this day. Don't exactly know what it is about Wednesdays, but I've begun to feel about them the way some people about Mondays.
So, here's a few more things I'm thankful for:
I'm thankful for the leftover pasta from Chianti's yesterday that I had for lunch.
I'm thankful for chocolate. I'm eating several pieces today.
I'm thankful for the moments when someone stops to thank me for doing my job well.
I'm thankful that the day is more than half-way over.
I'm thankful for all the people who update their blogs regularly. I start my day by catching up on blogs.
I'm thankful for the internet, and news sources from around the world at my fingertips.
I'm thankful for Psalm 91, and Ephesians 6, both of which I've been leaning on lately.
I'm thankful that it's Wednesday, and that that means there are only two work days left after today, then a weekend, then three workdays, then a mini-four day holiday.
(Okay, so I'm not exactly thankful it's Wednesday, but I'm reaching for it!)
So, here's a few more things I'm thankful for:
I'm thankful for the leftover pasta from Chianti's yesterday that I had for lunch.
I'm thankful for chocolate. I'm eating several pieces today.
I'm thankful for the moments when someone stops to thank me for doing my job well.
I'm thankful that the day is more than half-way over.
I'm thankful for all the people who update their blogs regularly. I start my day by catching up on blogs.
I'm thankful for the internet, and news sources from around the world at my fingertips.
I'm thankful for Psalm 91, and Ephesians 6, both of which I've been leaning on lately.
I'm thankful that it's Wednesday, and that that means there are only two work days left after today, then a weekend, then three workdays, then a mini-four day holiday.
(Okay, so I'm not exactly thankful it's Wednesday, but I'm reaching for it!)
Combatting with thanks
Wednesdays have been really difficult days for me the last several weeks for a variety of reasons, and, one hour into the work day, this one is already feeling too long.
So, on the train this morning, I decided I’d better make a decision about how I was going to approach the day. I’m going for gratefulness and joy – not sure I’ll make it quite that far, but aiming high!
I find myself in need of a “things I’m thankful for/things that are making me smile” list this morning, so, in no particular order, here goes…
I’m thankful for the tendons I pulled in my right wrist on the weekend. The pain has reminded me to pray for my brother, a guitar player who hasn’t been able to play for a year because of a wrist injury, and is facing surgery next week to hopefully correct the problem.
I’m thankful for a beautiful sunrise that I watched the whole way to work on the train this morning.
I’m thankful that I kept a copy of a mix cd I made and mailed to a dear friend. The music on it has been ministering to my heart all week.
I’m thankful for the energy to be around people – even though right now it feels like too much.
I’m thankful for the energy to say “hi” to the same lady that I pass each morning as I walk to the train – I look forward to the smile and greeting we exchange. There have been so many moments where I’ve been so burnt out from interaction with people that I’ve avoided the eyes and greetings of strangers while I was walking. I see restoration in a simple smile and greeting spilling from my lips each day.
I’m thankful for Tazo Passion Tea from Starbucks.
I’m thankful that I can buy boxes of Passion Tea and make it myself instead of having to stop at Starbucks to get it each morning.
I’m thankful for a job that I don’t hate – even though I don’t love it, it’s way better than the ones I’ve hated.
I’m thankful for a boss that I actually really enjoy working with.
I’m thankful that we’re going to change recycling companies at the office, so I won’t have to place complaint calls in order to get service every time service is due anymore.
I’m thankful for mandarin oranges.
I’m thankful for the crepes I had for supper last night.
I’m thankful for dinner plans with a friend tonight.
I’m thankful that my roommate has offered me the use of her car to drive to and from work while she’s out of town the next few days.
I’m thankful for casual Fridays.
I’m thankful for photos of friends on my desk and on my computer desktop – reminding me of people I love, and people who love me.
I’m thankful for Facebook – it’s revolutionized my ability to manage a social life with minimal telephone use – brilliant for someone who hates the telephone!
I’m thankful for the telephone too, though, especially for long, beautiful conversations with the friends who live too far away to see in person.
I’m thankful for a good deal on bottled water the last time I grocery shopped.
I’m thankful for plans to travel for a month to six weeks, in mid-January, with dear friends.
I’m thankful for the community of people who pray with and for me.
I’m thankful for candles, and incense, and Jason Upton on dvd.
I’m thankful for moments of rest, stolen in the midst of incredibly busy days.
I’m thankful for some favorite television shows, that let me unwind at the end of the day a few nights a week.
I’m thankful for art, and for the artists who make it.
I’m thankful for a line from a Jason Upton song, sung to Jesus, “You live…”
I’m thankful that the books I ordered have finally arrived, and that I can pick them up at my parent’s house tonight.
I’m thankful that I live near the mountains.
I’m thankful for unseasonably warm fall weather.
I’m thankful for cozy sweaters for when the weather stops being quite so warm.
I’m thankful that my schedule on Friday night is completely empty.
I’m thankful for Lauren Winner, and her deep words about Christianity, thanks to her Jewish roots.
I’m thankful for “The Silver Chair” by C.S. Lewis
I’m thankful for the book of Psalms
I’m thankful for a very special upcoming anniversary in my life (more on that next week)
I’m thankful for a planned retreat day next week.
I’m thankful for plans to spend next weekend with dear friends, enjoying a conference featuring Jason Upton.
I’m thankful for hot pink crocs from my brothers that I wear as slippers
I’m thankful for a heavy duvet cover.
I’m thankful for whoever invented magic bags.
I’m thankful for the yoga mat my aunt gave me for my birthday – makes it so much nicer to do my stretching exercises for my back and neck in the privacy of my bedroom instead of in front of my roommate in our living room.
I’m thankful for all the people who stop by my blog to keep up on my life!
Here’s to a Wednesday full of thankfulness!
On the Journey Toward Becoming Friends
The Henri Nouwen society also sends out a weekly email, written by someone who has been involved with the society, or L'Arche communities. This is the email I received this week...
On the Journey Toward Becoming Friends
written by DOUG WEIBE
Friendships are mysterious. They often begin and end when we least them expect them to. We sometimes become friends with people we are not initially drawn to. Sometimes we don't develop the kind of friendship we desire with someone we are attracted to. Some friendships take a lot of work, while others are as natural as breathing.
Friendship is a gift waiting to be revealed with every person I meet. With just a few people, the gift of covenant relationship will be revealed. With very many people, the gift of friendly waves and weather conversations will unfold. In between are the gifts of healthy working friendships, close lifelong friendships, friendships born in crisis, celebration, a shared passion for coffee, golf, children, faith, travel, et cetera.
Friendships are life-giving when we accept, nurture, and celebrate the particular gift that is present in each. Friendships are draining and difficult when we reject the gift by either not accepting the intimacy offered or trying to make the gift more intimate than it was ever meant to be.
These gifts of friendship are scattered like ripe fruit in the gardens of our lives, waiting to be tasted and enjoyed. Each gift is given by a loving God, who knows what we need and who desires a friendship with every one of us. Therefore, while we may choose our friendships, we do not create the gift of friendship. We can work on our friendships, but we cannot change them into something they are not gifted to be. This is the pain and the joy, the poverty and the incredible freedom we experience on the journey to becoming friends.
On the Journey Toward Becoming Friends
written by DOUG WEIBE
Friendships are mysterious. They often begin and end when we least them expect them to. We sometimes become friends with people we are not initially drawn to. Sometimes we don't develop the kind of friendship we desire with someone we are attracted to. Some friendships take a lot of work, while others are as natural as breathing.
Friendship is a gift waiting to be revealed with every person I meet. With just a few people, the gift of covenant relationship will be revealed. With very many people, the gift of friendly waves and weather conversations will unfold. In between are the gifts of healthy working friendships, close lifelong friendships, friendships born in crisis, celebration, a shared passion for coffee, golf, children, faith, travel, et cetera.
Friendships are life-giving when we accept, nurture, and celebrate the particular gift that is present in each. Friendships are draining and difficult when we reject the gift by either not accepting the intimacy offered or trying to make the gift more intimate than it was ever meant to be.
These gifts of friendship are scattered like ripe fruit in the gardens of our lives, waiting to be tasted and enjoyed. Each gift is given by a loving God, who knows what we need and who desires a friendship with every one of us. Therefore, while we may choose our friendships, we do not create the gift of friendship. We can work on our friendships, but we cannot change them into something they are not gifted to be. This is the pain and the joy, the poverty and the incredible freedom we experience on the journey to becoming friends.
Loving the Church - Henri Nouwen
Loving the Church
Loving the Church often seems close to impossible. Still, we must keep reminding ourselves that all people in the Church - whether powerful or powerless, conservative or progressive, tolerant or fanatic - belong to that long line of witnesses moving through this valley of tears, singing songs of praise and thanksgiving, listening to the voice of their Lord, and eating together from the bread that keeps multiplying as it is shared. When we remember that, we may be able to say, "I love the Church, and I am glad to belong to it."
Loving the Church is our sacred duty. Without a true love for the Church, we cannot live in it in joy and peace. And without a true love for the Church, we cannot call people to it.
Loving the Church often seems close to impossible. Still, we must keep reminding ourselves that all people in the Church - whether powerful or powerless, conservative or progressive, tolerant or fanatic - belong to that long line of witnesses moving through this valley of tears, singing songs of praise and thanksgiving, listening to the voice of their Lord, and eating together from the bread that keeps multiplying as it is shared. When we remember that, we may be able to say, "I love the Church, and I am glad to belong to it."
Loving the Church is our sacred duty. Without a true love for the Church, we cannot live in it in joy and peace. And without a true love for the Church, we cannot call people to it.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
kind of without words....
What happens when a writer discovers that she doesn't have any words left?
I'm feeling that way a little tonight...
Thinking and praying for people across the country and around the world...
Two hours of quiet after I got home from dinner with a friend tonight - one hour for accomplishing stuff (dishes, emails, making tea) one for resting (candles, incense, drinking tea, prayer and reading).
This week I'm doing better at taking advantage of the free moments as they come and using them for rest. I hope that lasts.
I had a savoury breakfast crepe for dinner, ham and cheese and scrambled eggs, wrapped in this great crepe and topped with mozzarella and this great sauce. If you haven't eaten at this tiny little restaurant in Kensington with 70 plus varieties of crepes - sweet and savoury - then you need to. It's rapidly becoming one of my favorite dinner stops (and affordable too - less than 10 bucks for a filling meal).
Read entries in a Bible dictionary tonight... incense, hands, oil, wine... interesting reading...
watching "House" at the moment... then bed... tomorrow is Wednesday... Wednesday's have been not been very good days for me lately... wanting to be rested and prepared...
work is going to be nuts for the next six days... thousands and thousands of copies to print... and have to have it all done because I'm taking Thursday and Friday off next week...
I'm feeling that way a little tonight...
Thinking and praying for people across the country and around the world...
Two hours of quiet after I got home from dinner with a friend tonight - one hour for accomplishing stuff (dishes, emails, making tea) one for resting (candles, incense, drinking tea, prayer and reading).
This week I'm doing better at taking advantage of the free moments as they come and using them for rest. I hope that lasts.
I had a savoury breakfast crepe for dinner, ham and cheese and scrambled eggs, wrapped in this great crepe and topped with mozzarella and this great sauce. If you haven't eaten at this tiny little restaurant in Kensington with 70 plus varieties of crepes - sweet and savoury - then you need to. It's rapidly becoming one of my favorite dinner stops (and affordable too - less than 10 bucks for a filling meal).
Read entries in a Bible dictionary tonight... incense, hands, oil, wine... interesting reading...
watching "House" at the moment... then bed... tomorrow is Wednesday... Wednesday's have been not been very good days for me lately... wanting to be rested and prepared...
work is going to be nuts for the next six days... thousands and thousands of copies to print... and have to have it all done because I'm taking Thursday and Friday off next week...
Jesus coincidences and other thoughts...
I told a friend last night that my next blog post would be titled "I think I'm allergic to Jesus". I decided not to write the post, but I am still laughing at the idea... seems that the seasons in my life where Jesus is drawing me most intensely to himself, where I am being pulled from familiar comfort zones into the completely terrifying, stunningly beautiful unknown are always accompanied by a great deal of physical illness and weakness. As someone who has a number of food allergies and sensitivities, this kind of reaction of my body to the things going on with me mentally and emotionally always reminds me of an allergy - thus, "I think I'm allergic to Jesus"!
This present season has many parallels to be drawn to a season exactly two years ago at this time. The emotions feel very similar to that time, and that time is one that in some ways I'm still recovering from! So many beautiful things happened in a short, intense season, that I am still finding my way! And so, I'm sitting here at my desk this morning, sipping tea, and waiting to see what beautiful things come out of this new and crazy season. I'm excited. I'm exhausted. I'm sick. But Jesus is doing cool things.
And, speaking of weird Jesus coincidences, I had a fun one on my way to work this morning. I was in my own little world, walking to the train from home, listening to Jason Upton on my ipod. I was talking with Jesus about a couple of young women from the group of youth at church that I'm involved with, and thinking that I needed to phone one of them tonight. I stepped on the train, still in another world, and someone poked me to get my attention. Both of the girls I'd just been praying for were standing there, on the way to the temp job they're both working at just presently. We had probably 15 or 20 minutes of commuting time to chat, and it was great to see them, even in the midst of my early morning groggyness!
Today is yet again full of people (both lunch and dinner out with friends), and work is going to be busy for the next week or so, since we have a large conference and annual meeting at the end of next week, and I'm taking a couple days off at the end of next week as well. So, with that, I'm back to work!
This present season has many parallels to be drawn to a season exactly two years ago at this time. The emotions feel very similar to that time, and that time is one that in some ways I'm still recovering from! So many beautiful things happened in a short, intense season, that I am still finding my way! And so, I'm sitting here at my desk this morning, sipping tea, and waiting to see what beautiful things come out of this new and crazy season. I'm excited. I'm exhausted. I'm sick. But Jesus is doing cool things.
And, speaking of weird Jesus coincidences, I had a fun one on my way to work this morning. I was in my own little world, walking to the train from home, listening to Jason Upton on my ipod. I was talking with Jesus about a couple of young women from the group of youth at church that I'm involved with, and thinking that I needed to phone one of them tonight. I stepped on the train, still in another world, and someone poked me to get my attention. Both of the girls I'd just been praying for were standing there, on the way to the temp job they're both working at just presently. We had probably 15 or 20 minutes of commuting time to chat, and it was great to see them, even in the midst of my early morning groggyness!
Today is yet again full of people (both lunch and dinner out with friends), and work is going to be busy for the next week or so, since we have a large conference and annual meeting at the end of next week, and I'm taking a couple days off at the end of next week as well. So, with that, I'm back to work!
In the church and Not of it - Henri Nouwen
Another great bit from Henri Nouwen:
Being in the Church, Not of It
Often we hear the remark that we have live in the world without being of the world. But it may be more difficult to be in the Church without being of the Church. Being of the Church means being so preoccupied by and involved in the many ecclesial affairs and clerical "ins and outs" that we are no longer focused on Jesus. The Church then blinds us from what we came to see and deafens us to what we came to hear. Still, it is in the Church that Christ dwells, invites us to his table, and speaks to us words of eternal love.
Being in the Church without being of it is a great spiritual challenge.
Being in the Church, Not of It
Often we hear the remark that we have live in the world without being of the world. But it may be more difficult to be in the Church without being of the Church. Being of the Church means being so preoccupied by and involved in the many ecclesial affairs and clerical "ins and outs" that we are no longer focused on Jesus. The Church then blinds us from what we came to see and deafens us to what we came to hear. Still, it is in the Church that Christ dwells, invites us to his table, and speaks to us words of eternal love.
Being in the Church without being of it is a great spiritual challenge.
Monday, October 22, 2007
muddled headspace
It’s not even 10:00 and I’m already on my second cup of tea. If a day requires more than one cup of tea in the morning, it’s generally a day where I’m struggling with life.
I’ve had a headache for two days – low grade, just kind of in the background, but painful. It makes me queasy occasionally. Drugs, water, tea, stretching my neck muscles – none of the usual things seem to be making a difference at the moment.
My mind feels fuzzy and distracted this morning – not really present with my body, in my surroundings. Things niggling at the edges of my consciousness, poking and bothering me with their flitting and coy nature.
I lay flat on my back on my yoga mat on my bedroom floor for a long chunk of time, talking to Jesus about friends, working my way slowly through the list of people and names as they were brought to mind. Friends scattered across the country and around the world at the moment. Was burning candles and incense, creating space for several hours of quiet in my room last night. Asked Jesus to let my words on behalf of these friends rise to His throne on the sweet smelling curls of smoke from the incense.
Told a friend yesterday that I quite often pray with incense burning these days. She responded, “Okay, that’s a little weird and new age, but whatever.” I reminded her of the verse of scripture that talks about our prayers rising as incense, and we moved on. But her comment niggles just a little in that, “I do things that look weird, and people don’t quite understand my ways of praying” kind of way
Thinking about another friend this morning. She’s been alone too long, and I’m afraid, a little of the tiny changes I sense taking place in her life. I sense a growing indifference, a desire to walk away from all those people and things that are familiar.
Spent time with another friend yesterday. It should have been relaxing, but was strangely draining and disturbing under the surface – a big part of the reason that I was shut in my bedroom last night creating quiet space and talking with Jesus.
Thinking I need to find a time this week to go to the park again. Need to be by water, and breathe.
I’ve been ill quite a bit again lately. I’ve noticed a pattern. At the times in my life when it would seem Jesus is working most intensely, calling me deeper, I am quite often found battling with exhaustion and physical illness. I was thinking this morning that the last time I felt this way physically for a lengthy period of time was in the months leading up to and immediately following my healing from depression.
I’ve been trying to take steps lately to take better care of my physical health. Vitamins. Making sure I get to bed a bit earlier. Creating the amount of alone time and space that I’ve needed more frequently. Eating more balanced meals – at least one dark green fruit or vegetable, and one orange fruit or vegetable a day. Making sure I get at least some protein in my diet on a daily basis – not always easy for someone who doesn’t eat a lot of red meat (experimenting with beans, hummus, just eating greater quantities of white meats). Stretching the muscles in my back and neck that get sore and create headaches regularly. Going to get back to doing situps regularly too. Trying to embrace walking to more places, and get a bit of cardio exercise in while I’m doing so.
It feels oddly grown up to be thinking and concerned about these sorts of health things. Friends of mine have thought about them for years, but I’ve always taken physical health and energy for granted. Not so this last month as I’ve fought off stomach bugs and nasty head and sinus colds, and a general lack of energy.
Okay, well, having written for a bit seems to have cleared my head for the moment. I’m going back to the things on my work list for the week… see you later!
I’ve had a headache for two days – low grade, just kind of in the background, but painful. It makes me queasy occasionally. Drugs, water, tea, stretching my neck muscles – none of the usual things seem to be making a difference at the moment.
My mind feels fuzzy and distracted this morning – not really present with my body, in my surroundings. Things niggling at the edges of my consciousness, poking and bothering me with their flitting and coy nature.
I lay flat on my back on my yoga mat on my bedroom floor for a long chunk of time, talking to Jesus about friends, working my way slowly through the list of people and names as they were brought to mind. Friends scattered across the country and around the world at the moment. Was burning candles and incense, creating space for several hours of quiet in my room last night. Asked Jesus to let my words on behalf of these friends rise to His throne on the sweet smelling curls of smoke from the incense.
Told a friend yesterday that I quite often pray with incense burning these days. She responded, “Okay, that’s a little weird and new age, but whatever.” I reminded her of the verse of scripture that talks about our prayers rising as incense, and we moved on. But her comment niggles just a little in that, “I do things that look weird, and people don’t quite understand my ways of praying” kind of way
Thinking about another friend this morning. She’s been alone too long, and I’m afraid, a little of the tiny changes I sense taking place in her life. I sense a growing indifference, a desire to walk away from all those people and things that are familiar.
Spent time with another friend yesterday. It should have been relaxing, but was strangely draining and disturbing under the surface – a big part of the reason that I was shut in my bedroom last night creating quiet space and talking with Jesus.
Thinking I need to find a time this week to go to the park again. Need to be by water, and breathe.
I’ve been ill quite a bit again lately. I’ve noticed a pattern. At the times in my life when it would seem Jesus is working most intensely, calling me deeper, I am quite often found battling with exhaustion and physical illness. I was thinking this morning that the last time I felt this way physically for a lengthy period of time was in the months leading up to and immediately following my healing from depression.
I’ve been trying to take steps lately to take better care of my physical health. Vitamins. Making sure I get to bed a bit earlier. Creating the amount of alone time and space that I’ve needed more frequently. Eating more balanced meals – at least one dark green fruit or vegetable, and one orange fruit or vegetable a day. Making sure I get at least some protein in my diet on a daily basis – not always easy for someone who doesn’t eat a lot of red meat (experimenting with beans, hummus, just eating greater quantities of white meats). Stretching the muscles in my back and neck that get sore and create headaches regularly. Going to get back to doing situps regularly too. Trying to embrace walking to more places, and get a bit of cardio exercise in while I’m doing so.
It feels oddly grown up to be thinking and concerned about these sorts of health things. Friends of mine have thought about them for years, but I’ve always taken physical health and energy for granted. Not so this last month as I’ve fought off stomach bugs and nasty head and sinus colds, and a general lack of energy.
Okay, well, having written for a bit seems to have cleared my head for the moment. I’m going back to the things on my work list for the week… see you later!
Superabundant Grace - Henri Nouwen
Superabundant Grace
Over the centuries the Church has done enough to make any critical person want to leave it. Its history of violent crusades, pogroms, power struggles, oppression, excommunications, executions, manipulation of people and ideas, and constantly recurring divisions is there for everyone to see and be appalled by.
Can we believe that this is the same Church that carries in its center the Word of God and the sacraments of God's healing love? Can we trust that in the midst of all its human brokenness the Church presents the broken body of Christ to the world as food for eternal life? Can we acknowledge that where sin is abundant grace is superabundant, and that where promises are broken over and again God's promise stands unshaken? To believe is to answer yes to these questions.
Over the centuries the Church has done enough to make any critical person want to leave it. Its history of violent crusades, pogroms, power struggles, oppression, excommunications, executions, manipulation of people and ideas, and constantly recurring divisions is there for everyone to see and be appalled by.
Can we believe that this is the same Church that carries in its center the Word of God and the sacraments of God's healing love? Can we trust that in the midst of all its human brokenness the Church presents the broken body of Christ to the world as food for eternal life? Can we acknowledge that where sin is abundant grace is superabundant, and that where promises are broken over and again God's promise stands unshaken? To believe is to answer yes to these questions.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
just sitting...
Thinking about random things today...
Wondering how a week that was going to be nearly empty, is suddenly quite full.
Trusting again that moments of rest will come in the midst of the full schedule.
Reading a quote that's hanging on the wall beside my desk:
"What lies before us and what lies behind us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." (anonymous)
Loving the truths I'm slowly coming to understand in these words.
Loving the book "Prince Caspian" again lately... a number of scenes are speaking deeply to my heart, and have been for several months...
Letting Jason Upton play in the background, his worship quieting my soul. Looking forward to attending a conference he's playing and speaking at in a couple weeks.
Just sitting. That's what I'm feeling at this moment. Just sit. Breathe.
Going to make tea, and get ready to head out for church in a couple minutes, but for the moment, just sitting.
Wondering how a week that was going to be nearly empty, is suddenly quite full.
Trusting again that moments of rest will come in the midst of the full schedule.
Reading a quote that's hanging on the wall beside my desk:
"What lies before us and what lies behind us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." (anonymous)
Loving the truths I'm slowly coming to understand in these words.
Loving the book "Prince Caspian" again lately... a number of scenes are speaking deeply to my heart, and have been for several months...
Letting Jason Upton play in the background, his worship quieting my soul. Looking forward to attending a conference he's playing and speaking at in a couple weeks.
Just sitting. That's what I'm feeling at this moment. Just sit. Breathe.
Going to make tea, and get ready to head out for church in a couple minutes, but for the moment, just sitting.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Starting to find my way...
Just spent a few minutes using the handy-dandy slideshow feature in iphoto (on the laptop which is now officially paid off, by the way!) to sort through pictures from the last year, and make a slideshow of some of the highlights.
I came across a postcard from postsecret that I'd saved. Describes where the year started, and where I feel like it's gone. So good.
It seemed to be a good starting photo for my slideshow... Thought I'd stick it here, too...
I came across a postcard from postsecret that I'd saved. Describes where the year started, and where I feel like it's gone. So good.
It seemed to be a good starting photo for my slideshow... Thought I'd stick it here, too...
Full heart
I talked on the phone tonight for three hours. If you know me, you're already thinking that the person I was talking to must be pretty special, because if you know me, you know that I don't normally voluntarily use the phone.
It was someone special - a dear friend, and, while we're in touch via email and facebook nearly daily, it was so nice to hear her voice. To talk about Jesus and the crazy things He's doing in both of our lives. To ask questions - not many people want to answer my questions at times...
So good. My heart is full, and I'm smiling.
I'm thinking that's a pretty good way to let a day begin to draw to a close.
It was someone special - a dear friend, and, while we're in touch via email and facebook nearly daily, it was so nice to hear her voice. To talk about Jesus and the crazy things He's doing in both of our lives. To ask questions - not many people want to answer my questions at times...
So good. My heart is full, and I'm smiling.
I'm thinking that's a pretty good way to let a day begin to draw to a close.
Sabbath
I recently re-listened to a great sermon on Sabbath. The speaker (Rob Bell) talked about the things sabbath is and isn't, about developing a rhythm of life. I was struck this time by a statement he made that went something like, "Sabbath is about doing the things that bring life."
I'm taking Sabbath today, in my own way.
I slept in. 8:00 might not seem like sleeping in, but it's an extra hour and a half from what I get on work-days, and means that I was in bed (mostly) asleep for nearly 8 1/2 hours.
Read a novel for a bit when I woke up.
Headed out into the living room, and lit candles. Popped Jason Upton in the stereo, and read scripture and talked with Jesus for a while.
Spent an hour catching up on my budgeting. (This may not seem life giving to the rest of the world either, but it's been hanging over my head for a week, and it feels great to be able to cross it off my list).
Making a list for the day. I know, most of the world doesn't find lists life-giving either, but I like to see what's on the agenda.
Chatted with my roommate about our respective plans for the day.
Going to make some breakfast here, soon.
The rest of the day has things like shopping (there are items I want/need that can only be purchased at certain locations in the city - special bath salts etc.) I'm going to buy some art supplies for an upcoming event I'm hosting. I'm going to buy a curtain to close off our laundry room and make our house look a bit nicer. I'm on the hunt for the perfect frame for a beautiful photograph of Lake Minnewanka that I recently purchased. I'm going to buy candles.
Later on I'm going to talk on the phone with a dear friend, and possibly go and hear Brian McLaren speak (my roommate just told me about that one this morning... don't have the details yet).
I think I'll probably cook something nice.
I'm going to burn incense.
I'm going to do a bit of cleaning.
I'm going to rest, and hang with Jesus as I do all these other things.
I'm taking Sabbath today, in my own way.
I slept in. 8:00 might not seem like sleeping in, but it's an extra hour and a half from what I get on work-days, and means that I was in bed (mostly) asleep for nearly 8 1/2 hours.
Read a novel for a bit when I woke up.
Headed out into the living room, and lit candles. Popped Jason Upton in the stereo, and read scripture and talked with Jesus for a while.
Spent an hour catching up on my budgeting. (This may not seem life giving to the rest of the world either, but it's been hanging over my head for a week, and it feels great to be able to cross it off my list).
Making a list for the day. I know, most of the world doesn't find lists life-giving either, but I like to see what's on the agenda.
Chatted with my roommate about our respective plans for the day.
Going to make some breakfast here, soon.
The rest of the day has things like shopping (there are items I want/need that can only be purchased at certain locations in the city - special bath salts etc.) I'm going to buy some art supplies for an upcoming event I'm hosting. I'm going to buy a curtain to close off our laundry room and make our house look a bit nicer. I'm on the hunt for the perfect frame for a beautiful photograph of Lake Minnewanka that I recently purchased. I'm going to buy candles.
Later on I'm going to talk on the phone with a dear friend, and possibly go and hear Brian McLaren speak (my roommate just told me about that one this morning... don't have the details yet).
I think I'll probably cook something nice.
I'm going to burn incense.
I'm going to do a bit of cleaning.
I'm going to rest, and hang with Jesus as I do all these other things.
Friday, October 19, 2007
seeing birds...
I've had two odd "bird" encounters today...
The first was as I was walking to the train this morning (before I knew that it was going to make me very late). I was studying the clouds, and noticed one in particular, hanging separately from the others. Shaped like a dying bird (a swan, or maybe a duck), plummeting from the sky... Caught my attention, my breath, watching until the cloud finally morphed shape and joined another bank of cloud.
At lunch, just now, I was having a rather intense conversation about Jesus, and other things - big moral issues, with a coworker. She loves to pick my brain - to ask huge questions, and then hear what the questions make me think about. Today we talked about heaven, about rape, about abortion among other things. And for several minutes as we spoke, I was aware of a crow (raven? - how do you tell the difference?) sitting on a light post across the roof, watching. Eventually I glanced down, then back up, and it was gone.
This is an odd, off-kilter sort of day. Clouds with beautiful, majestic birds plummeting from the sky. A dark bird witnessing a conversation about Jesus. All of the other things I already wrote about.
And yet, as I walked back from the restaurant where I picked up lunch for myself and my coworker, all I could hear were some song lyrics...
My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord
And my spirit exalts in God my Saviour
For He has looked with mercy on my lowliness
And so my name will be forever exalted
For the mighty God has done great things for me
And His mercy will reach from age to age
And holy, holy, holy is His name
(Steve Bell - The Magnificat)
The first was as I was walking to the train this morning (before I knew that it was going to make me very late). I was studying the clouds, and noticed one in particular, hanging separately from the others. Shaped like a dying bird (a swan, or maybe a duck), plummeting from the sky... Caught my attention, my breath, watching until the cloud finally morphed shape and joined another bank of cloud.
At lunch, just now, I was having a rather intense conversation about Jesus, and other things - big moral issues, with a coworker. She loves to pick my brain - to ask huge questions, and then hear what the questions make me think about. Today we talked about heaven, about rape, about abortion among other things. And for several minutes as we spoke, I was aware of a crow (raven? - how do you tell the difference?) sitting on a light post across the roof, watching. Eventually I glanced down, then back up, and it was gone.
This is an odd, off-kilter sort of day. Clouds with beautiful, majestic birds plummeting from the sky. A dark bird witnessing a conversation about Jesus. All of the other things I already wrote about.
And yet, as I walked back from the restaurant where I picked up lunch for myself and my coworker, all I could hear were some song lyrics...
My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord
And my spirit exalts in God my Saviour
For He has looked with mercy on my lowliness
And so my name will be forever exalted
For the mighty God has done great things for me
And His mercy will reach from age to age
And holy, holy, holy is His name
(Steve Bell - The Magnificat)
Discombobulated
I do love that word - discomboulated. So descriptive. So accurate for what I'm feeling this morning.
I was up too late last night. Bible study, a conversation in my stairwell, a little bit of tv to unwind, some reading and praying... much later than I've been up in a while.
The conversation in my stairwell with two friends has left me with much on my mind and heart... praying for these two, who Jesus is doing beautiful things in, and who are facing difficult new things right now... praying for peace, for rest...
I dreamt again last night. That makes five nights in a row of significant dreams that I've retained. That has got to be a new record. And, as much as I'm working to be okay with the whole dreaming issue, five nights in a row, with four of those five being somewhat disturbing dreams, is getting to be a little much.
I'm carrying last night's dream a bit... the implications are touching on painful things...
It took me an hour and twenty minutes to get to work this morning. It normally takes forty five minutes. Ask me how excited I am about public transit right now...
I was late for work because of the public transit issues.
I really needed to be on time today.
I'm drinking tea, but it's not helping yet.
My thoughts are going in a hundred different directions. I feel like my head is whipping around in circles trying to follow the places my thoughts are going.
I'm angry.
I'm tired.
I'm confused.
I'm working to rest in peace.
To draw on the strength of Jesus.
To quiet my thoughts.
To pray.
I'm very, very, very, glad that it is Friday.
I was up too late last night. Bible study, a conversation in my stairwell, a little bit of tv to unwind, some reading and praying... much later than I've been up in a while.
The conversation in my stairwell with two friends has left me with much on my mind and heart... praying for these two, who Jesus is doing beautiful things in, and who are facing difficult new things right now... praying for peace, for rest...
I dreamt again last night. That makes five nights in a row of significant dreams that I've retained. That has got to be a new record. And, as much as I'm working to be okay with the whole dreaming issue, five nights in a row, with four of those five being somewhat disturbing dreams, is getting to be a little much.
I'm carrying last night's dream a bit... the implications are touching on painful things...
It took me an hour and twenty minutes to get to work this morning. It normally takes forty five minutes. Ask me how excited I am about public transit right now...
I was late for work because of the public transit issues.
I really needed to be on time today.
I'm drinking tea, but it's not helping yet.
My thoughts are going in a hundred different directions. I feel like my head is whipping around in circles trying to follow the places my thoughts are going.
I'm angry.
I'm tired.
I'm confused.
I'm working to rest in peace.
To draw on the strength of Jesus.
To quiet my thoughts.
To pray.
I'm very, very, very, glad that it is Friday.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
wine is about the shalom of God
I was listening to part of a sermon Rob Bell gave months ago on my way home from work today, only paying half-attention...
and all of a sudden he says, "Wine is about the shalom of God - the wholeness of God."
It's a long story why that is so very significant today, but it's really, really important to me today.
That will seem funny to those of you who know that I don't drink alcohol ever, that I don't like wine. That the only time I've had more than a tiny sip of wine was at a recent gathering where we were sharing communion together, and it would have ruined the moment to mention that I don't drink because of family issues... so I had the three sips in the tiny goblet that was handed to me...
Wine is about the shalom of God - the wholeness of God.
So good.
and all of a sudden he says, "Wine is about the shalom of God - the wholeness of God."
It's a long story why that is so very significant today, but it's really, really important to me today.
That will seem funny to those of you who know that I don't drink alcohol ever, that I don't like wine. That the only time I've had more than a tiny sip of wine was at a recent gathering where we were sharing communion together, and it would have ruined the moment to mention that I don't drink because of family issues... so I had the three sips in the tiny goblet that was handed to me...
Wine is about the shalom of God - the wholeness of God.
So good.
Just to balance out the spiders
So, just to balance out the spiders three nights in a row earlier this week, I had a beautiful dream last night. The details are not all for here - ask me in person sometime, and I'll probably share, but suffice to say that I saw Jesus, and it was beautiful. Precious, valued.
And, I was so tired last night that I gave up on the things I really "needed" to accomplish, and headed for bed. My lights were out by 10:30. I can't remember the last time that happened. AND, not only did I get to bed early, but I actually slept for most of the 8 hours between lights out and my alarm ringing this morning. That, like the dream, was a much needed gift in the midst of a crazy busy week.
And, I was so tired last night that I gave up on the things I really "needed" to accomplish, and headed for bed. My lights were out by 10:30. I can't remember the last time that happened. AND, not only did I get to bed early, but I actually slept for most of the 8 hours between lights out and my alarm ringing this morning. That, like the dream, was a much needed gift in the midst of a crazy busy week.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
More on the church from Henri Nouwen
The Church, Spotless and Tainted
The Church is holy and sinful, spotless and tainted. The Church is the bride of Christ, who washed her in cleansing water and took her to himself "with no speck or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and faultless" (Ephesians 5:26-27). The Church too is a group of sinful, confused, anguished people constantly tempted by the powers of lust and greed and always entangled in rivalry and competition.
When we say that the Church is a body, we refer not only to the holy and faultless body made Christ-like through baptism and Eucharist but also to the broken bodies of all the people who are its members. Only when we keep both these ways of thinking and speaking together can we live in the Church as true followers of Jesus.
The Church is holy and sinful, spotless and tainted. The Church is the bride of Christ, who washed her in cleansing water and took her to himself "with no speck or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and faultless" (Ephesians 5:26-27). The Church too is a group of sinful, confused, anguished people constantly tempted by the powers of lust and greed and always entangled in rivalry and competition.
When we say that the Church is a body, we refer not only to the holy and faultless body made Christ-like through baptism and Eucharist but also to the broken bodies of all the people who are its members. Only when we keep both these ways of thinking and speaking together can we live in the Church as true followers of Jesus.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
I saw her
I saw her tonight, walking down the street on the way to the tea shop, just as I was talking to Jesus about her, wondering how she was, where she was, what she was doing now.
We paused, walking opposite directions, and spoke for few minutes.
Her eyes made me sad. Tired, worn out on the stuff of life. Broken, empty even.
It was a strangely beautiful moment, seeing her, even though it made me sad. I'm praying still, perhaps with increased intensity.
Jesus, be with her. Pick up the pieces and knit together a heart that you love.
We paused, walking opposite directions, and spoke for few minutes.
Her eyes made me sad. Tired, worn out on the stuff of life. Broken, empty even.
It was a strangely beautiful moment, seeing her, even though it made me sad. I'm praying still, perhaps with increased intensity.
Jesus, be with her. Pick up the pieces and knit together a heart that you love.
Recurring Dream
I’ve had the same or at least very similar dreams three nights in a row now… Nothing cohesive, just flashes of images…
I dream that I’m lying in bed, in the darkness of the night, but for some reason I can see the wall right beside my head. I sleep in a loft bed, so I’m only about 2 feet from the ceiling, and I see the top 18 inches or so of the wall, and when I wake up in my bed in the dream, and look up at the wall, it is crawling with spiders – all kinds of shapes and sizes… some of the obviously poisonous tropical varieties.
There are flashes of faces… I don’t remember whose, but the impression is that they are people I know well…
I keep thinking the words “youth ministry” when I think back on the dream…
The strongest image is the spiders, followed by the words, and then the faces…
Don’t really know if I think this dream means anything… but it’s been bugging me this morning, so I thought I’d jot it down… plus, any time I dream the same thing multiple nights in a row, I begin to wonder if I need to pay attention...
You can imagine how pleasant it is to dream that you’re lying awake in bed, and that the walls are crawling with spiders…
Thoughts? Is this one just bad pizza, or do I need to pay attention?
I dream that I’m lying in bed, in the darkness of the night, but for some reason I can see the wall right beside my head. I sleep in a loft bed, so I’m only about 2 feet from the ceiling, and I see the top 18 inches or so of the wall, and when I wake up in my bed in the dream, and look up at the wall, it is crawling with spiders – all kinds of shapes and sizes… some of the obviously poisonous tropical varieties.
There are flashes of faces… I don’t remember whose, but the impression is that they are people I know well…
I keep thinking the words “youth ministry” when I think back on the dream…
The strongest image is the spiders, followed by the words, and then the faces…
Don’t really know if I think this dream means anything… but it’s been bugging me this morning, so I thought I’d jot it down… plus, any time I dream the same thing multiple nights in a row, I begin to wonder if I need to pay attention...
You can imagine how pleasant it is to dream that you’re lying awake in bed, and that the walls are crawling with spiders…
Thoughts? Is this one just bad pizza, or do I need to pay attention?
Called out of Slavery - Henri Nouwen
Got another great meditation from the Henri Nouwen society when I arrived at work this morning... love the idea that the church literally is a group of people that are "called out".
Called out of Slavery
The Church is the people of God. The Latin word for "church," ecclesia, comes from the Greek ek, which means "out," and kaleo, which means "to call." The Church is the people of God called out of slavery to freedom, sin to salvation, despair to hope, darkness to light, an existence centered on death to an existence focused on life.
When we think of Church we have to think of a body of people, travelling together. We have to envision women, men, and children of all ages, races, and societies supporting one another on their long and often tiresome journeys to their final home.
Called out of Slavery
The Church is the people of God. The Latin word for "church," ecclesia, comes from the Greek ek, which means "out," and kaleo, which means "to call." The Church is the people of God called out of slavery to freedom, sin to salvation, despair to hope, darkness to light, an existence centered on death to an existence focused on life.
When we think of Church we have to think of a body of people, travelling together. We have to envision women, men, and children of all ages, races, and societies supporting one another on their long and often tiresome journeys to their final home.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Stealing rest
I am struggling with scheduling issues at the moment... with figuring out which things can stay, and which might need to go, to make space for the time I'm increasingly feeling is necessary to spend with Jesus in this season.
This week in particular is extraordinarily busy - something scheduled after work every night. All lovely and wonderful things, all things I think that God is in, none of them things that can be dropped or postponed.
I told a friend last night that it's becoming clear to me that this week I'm going to have to steal those moments of peace and rest wherever I can find them. Taking the bus for an hour and half home each day, grocery shopping alone, standing in the shower, as I'm studying to prepare for the small group I lead that meets this week, walking to meet various friends for tea and coffee dates, resting in my chair for a few minutes before bed, with candles and incense...
I believe that Jesus is present in the busyness and in the rest, I'm just feeling a need to change the balance of busyness and rest in my life for a season. But for this week, I'm trusting that He'll honor the moments of rest that I'm able to steal, and gift me with His presence in a tangible way.
This week in particular is extraordinarily busy - something scheduled after work every night. All lovely and wonderful things, all things I think that God is in, none of them things that can be dropped or postponed.
I told a friend last night that it's becoming clear to me that this week I'm going to have to steal those moments of peace and rest wherever I can find them. Taking the bus for an hour and half home each day, grocery shopping alone, standing in the shower, as I'm studying to prepare for the small group I lead that meets this week, walking to meet various friends for tea and coffee dates, resting in my chair for a few minutes before bed, with candles and incense...
I believe that Jesus is present in the busyness and in the rest, I'm just feeling a need to change the balance of busyness and rest in my life for a season. But for this week, I'm trusting that He'll honor the moments of rest that I'm able to steal, and gift me with His presence in a tangible way.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
he anoints my head...
I was standing under the shower a little while ago, talking with Jesus. I do some of my best praying, standing there alone, under the hot water, with no other distractions.
This morning I was talking to him about a commitment I've made to teach Sunday School until Christmas... one that will tie up three Sunday mornings a month... one that I made on impulse, and regret, just a little... I love the girls, but my schedule is full, and the idea of preparing one extra lesson most weeks is making me tired right now as I adapt to many other changes and drains on my time and energy (most of which make me feel far more alive than sitting in a French elementary school library on Sunday mornings and trying to teach).
So I stood under the shower and talked with Jesus. I told him I was tired, and worn out, and that I wasn't even feeling excited about talking about him to this group of girls this morning, that I really wanted to stay home and do laundry, and clean off my desk, and create some mental space for heading into a new week. I told Him that he was going to have to give me energy and enthusiasm and strength enough for what promises to be a busy day, without much margin for creating space.
And I began to hear a line from Scripture... "he anoints my head with oil". So I stood there under the shower, and let the warm water run down my face, and prayed that He would anoint my head as I go into this day...
A few weeks ago, a dear friend quite literally anointed my head and hands with oil, praying silently for me as we prepared to enter into an evening of prayer and ministry. It's a memory I treasure, though she never spoke a word aloud. I felt her prayers in the deep places of my spirit, and I remember that night as a bit of a turning point, as I once again engaged in new things in prayer, as one in which I allowed Jesus to draw me deeper into Himself, and thus make me more fully myself, for I've discovered that the moments when I'm most alive, most myself, are the moments when I am most deeply connected to what Jesus is doing in a time or place.
When I got out of the shower, I googled the passage of scripture I'd been hearing. It took some work, since apparently I was hearing a mixture of versions, but I found this, a line from Psalm 23, in the New Living Translation...
"You honor me by anointing my head with oil."
I love the concept of honor. Such a deep and beautiful thing... I feel a little bit as if Jesus is telling me this morning that he will honor my commitment, that He will be present, and pour his anointing over the morning.
As for the intensity of the commitment - I'm going to talk to the guy in charge of Sunday school this morning, and tell him that we need to find another teacher, even if they only want to do one Sunday a month. I've got curriculum for them, but I need to teach at least one less time a month... We either need to find one more teacher, or the girls can sit in the sermon twice a month instead of only once.
This morning I was talking to him about a commitment I've made to teach Sunday School until Christmas... one that will tie up three Sunday mornings a month... one that I made on impulse, and regret, just a little... I love the girls, but my schedule is full, and the idea of preparing one extra lesson most weeks is making me tired right now as I adapt to many other changes and drains on my time and energy (most of which make me feel far more alive than sitting in a French elementary school library on Sunday mornings and trying to teach).
So I stood under the shower and talked with Jesus. I told him I was tired, and worn out, and that I wasn't even feeling excited about talking about him to this group of girls this morning, that I really wanted to stay home and do laundry, and clean off my desk, and create some mental space for heading into a new week. I told Him that he was going to have to give me energy and enthusiasm and strength enough for what promises to be a busy day, without much margin for creating space.
And I began to hear a line from Scripture... "he anoints my head with oil". So I stood there under the shower, and let the warm water run down my face, and prayed that He would anoint my head as I go into this day...
A few weeks ago, a dear friend quite literally anointed my head and hands with oil, praying silently for me as we prepared to enter into an evening of prayer and ministry. It's a memory I treasure, though she never spoke a word aloud. I felt her prayers in the deep places of my spirit, and I remember that night as a bit of a turning point, as I once again engaged in new things in prayer, as one in which I allowed Jesus to draw me deeper into Himself, and thus make me more fully myself, for I've discovered that the moments when I'm most alive, most myself, are the moments when I am most deeply connected to what Jesus is doing in a time or place.
When I got out of the shower, I googled the passage of scripture I'd been hearing. It took some work, since apparently I was hearing a mixture of versions, but I found this, a line from Psalm 23, in the New Living Translation...
"You honor me by anointing my head with oil."
I love the concept of honor. Such a deep and beautiful thing... I feel a little bit as if Jesus is telling me this morning that he will honor my commitment, that He will be present, and pour his anointing over the morning.
As for the intensity of the commitment - I'm going to talk to the guy in charge of Sunday school this morning, and tell him that we need to find another teacher, even if they only want to do one Sunday a month. I've got curriculum for them, but I need to teach at least one less time a month... We either need to find one more teacher, or the girls can sit in the sermon twice a month instead of only once.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Staying Alive
I'm all about the really subtle, sly reminders lately.
About praying with a cup of starbucks tea.
About lighting candles and burning incense as prayers in a room before people show up to occupy it.
About the clouds sparkling glory, and falling leaves reminding me of deep things.
About the shocking moments when Jesus shows up somewhat unexpectedly and gives life.
Today, the shirt I'm wearing for work is my reminder. It's a cute, casual shirt (thank God for casual Friday!). Bright red, with a picture of a flamenco dancer printed in black on the front.
What you have to look really closely to see is that her dress is not so much a dress as it is a reminder. The dress is formed from two words - "Stayin' Alive"
It's reminding me that my goal is to occupy as much of my time as possible with the moments where I feel truly alive. Moments like the ones I mentioned. Moments like last night over tea with a friend.
Things that make me smile and laugh and fill me with joy at the deep sense of the hands and presence of Jesus.
About praying with a cup of starbucks tea.
About lighting candles and burning incense as prayers in a room before people show up to occupy it.
About the clouds sparkling glory, and falling leaves reminding me of deep things.
About the shocking moments when Jesus shows up somewhat unexpectedly and gives life.
Today, the shirt I'm wearing for work is my reminder. It's a cute, casual shirt (thank God for casual Friday!). Bright red, with a picture of a flamenco dancer printed in black on the front.
What you have to look really closely to see is that her dress is not so much a dress as it is a reminder. The dress is formed from two words - "Stayin' Alive"
It's reminding me that my goal is to occupy as much of my time as possible with the moments where I feel truly alive. Moments like the ones I mentioned. Moments like last night over tea with a friend.
Things that make me smile and laugh and fill me with joy at the deep sense of the hands and presence of Jesus.
One of the 10 Most Beautiful Destinations in the World
How many people are lucky enough to sense God calling them to what has been voted by a variety of web editors one of the 10 most beautiful destinations in the world? I am!
I read this article this morning, naming Machu Picchu one of the 10 most beautiful destinations in the world. It made me smile!
I read this article this morning, naming Machu Picchu one of the 10 most beautiful destinations in the world. It made me smile!
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Overwhelmed
Jesus is continually surprising me...
Yesterday was 24 of the worst hours I've experienced in a very long time.
Most of today was really hard too.
And then, then I spent an hour on the bus reading, took a train, and met a wonderful young lady for coffee.
And Jesus showed up in ways I'd never have expected... I could go on for hours, but suffice to say that I felt truly alive tonight...
I had the privilege of telling a really great young lady who's in the midst of some difficult challenges that there is nothing I'd rather do then be her friend, and walk with her in the midst of the difficulties, and pray for and with her.
I'm surprised and overwhelmed with joy tonight...
Yesterday was 24 of the worst hours I've experienced in a very long time.
Most of today was really hard too.
And then, then I spent an hour on the bus reading, took a train, and met a wonderful young lady for coffee.
And Jesus showed up in ways I'd never have expected... I could go on for hours, but suffice to say that I felt truly alive tonight...
I had the privilege of telling a really great young lady who's in the midst of some difficult challenges that there is nothing I'd rather do then be her friend, and walk with her in the midst of the difficulties, and pray for and with her.
I'm surprised and overwhelmed with joy tonight...
Knowing One Another in Christ - Henri Nouwen
Knowing One Another in Christ
Often we think that we first have to know and understand one another before we gather around the Eucharistic table. Although it is good if those who share in the Body and Blood of Christ know one another personally, coming together regularly for the Eucharist can create a spiritual unity that goes far beyond the various levels of "knowing one another" in human ways. As we enter together into the sacred mysteries of the death and resurrection of Jesus by participating in the Eucharist, we gradually become one body. We truly come to know one another in Christ.
Often we think that we first have to know and understand one another before we gather around the Eucharistic table. Although it is good if those who share in the Body and Blood of Christ know one another personally, coming together regularly for the Eucharist can create a spiritual unity that goes far beyond the various levels of "knowing one another" in human ways. As we enter together into the sacred mysteries of the death and resurrection of Jesus by participating in the Eucharist, we gradually become one body. We truly come to know one another in Christ.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Self-Medicating
Long hot shower
Vanilla almond rooibos tea
Chocolate mousse cake
Slightly trashy television
Early bedtime
Vanilla almond rooibos tea
Chocolate mousse cake
Slightly trashy television
Early bedtime
Not up to the fight today
You can tell a lot about my mental, emotional and spiritual state these days by checking out what I’m playing on my ipod at work.
Jason Upton, Steve Bell, Kendall Payne, Jacob and Lily – most of these mean I’m in a space where I’m willing and waiting to meet with Jesus, to encounter him.
U2 on the other hand, I listen to when I’m angry, when I’m afraid, when I’m frustrated, when I’m feeling the need to fight through something.
I’m listening to U2 today.
It would be an overstatement to say that I woke up angry this morning… you need to get more than three or four hours of sleep for it to qualify as “waking up”. Tossing and turning and lying awake and frustrated through most of the night hours doesn’t qualify.
I’m feeling tired, angry, fearful, frustrated. I’ve been sick for nearly two straight weeks – first a stomach bug, and now a brutal head cold. And I’m feeling just a little bit guilty because today I just don’t want to engage with the things that usually lift my spirits. I’m feeling like indulging the fear and the anger, and feeling sorry for myself… I’m feeling like wallowing.
Jesus re-hijacked my life in mid-August. It’s been a wild up and down ride ever since. So good, but so exhausting.
I’ve gone to deeper places than I ever imagined possible with Him. Beautiful places.
And today, I’m terrified of those places, of that ongoing journey. For a long time I’ve been afraid to deeply engage with the Spirit of God. I’m afraid of what I’ll find in my own soul, I think. I’m scared of losing control. I’m scared (again) of being “weird”. I’m scared of what He might ask of me. I suspect following Jesus may ultimately cost me my life.
I carry generational fears, too. Fears that compel me into slightly OCD tendencies – a need to check the lock on the door carefully before I go to bed each night among other things. To some degree a fear of men – particularly within certain situations. Odd that my mother, who passed these along, has found such freedom from them, while I still struggle deeply.
I carry fears from a series of things that happened in my life when I was twelve – fear of betrayal by friends, fear of rejection. In fact, it was a friend asking me the question “What were you like when you were twelve?” that opened the doors to this recent plunge into deeper things of Jesus.
I’ve chosen to live openly – the things I put on this blog are the deep heart things, very few things don’t make it here, or are held secretly. There are things I treasure in my heart that will never be shared, but mostly, I live with defiance – a honesty that is designed to push past the secret-keeping, fear inducing past of my life. I will give a piece of my heart to many who ask or draw it from me, and I trust them with it, but in some, secret corner, I wait for that moment of rejection and betrayal.
I want to be clear that I know so many of the spaces I’m occupying today are lies. That I know that fear is not from Christ, that He wants to combat lies. I just don’t know if I feel up to fighting that battle today. It seems easier to play dead.
So I’m sitting here, sipping tea, and listening to U2, and feeling angry, and exhausted by the battle, feeling frustrated, and unable (unwilling?) to fight.
Jason Upton, Steve Bell, Kendall Payne, Jacob and Lily – most of these mean I’m in a space where I’m willing and waiting to meet with Jesus, to encounter him.
U2 on the other hand, I listen to when I’m angry, when I’m afraid, when I’m frustrated, when I’m feeling the need to fight through something.
I’m listening to U2 today.
It would be an overstatement to say that I woke up angry this morning… you need to get more than three or four hours of sleep for it to qualify as “waking up”. Tossing and turning and lying awake and frustrated through most of the night hours doesn’t qualify.
I’m feeling tired, angry, fearful, frustrated. I’ve been sick for nearly two straight weeks – first a stomach bug, and now a brutal head cold. And I’m feeling just a little bit guilty because today I just don’t want to engage with the things that usually lift my spirits. I’m feeling like indulging the fear and the anger, and feeling sorry for myself… I’m feeling like wallowing.
Jesus re-hijacked my life in mid-August. It’s been a wild up and down ride ever since. So good, but so exhausting.
I’ve gone to deeper places than I ever imagined possible with Him. Beautiful places.
And today, I’m terrified of those places, of that ongoing journey. For a long time I’ve been afraid to deeply engage with the Spirit of God. I’m afraid of what I’ll find in my own soul, I think. I’m scared of losing control. I’m scared (again) of being “weird”. I’m scared of what He might ask of me. I suspect following Jesus may ultimately cost me my life.
I carry generational fears, too. Fears that compel me into slightly OCD tendencies – a need to check the lock on the door carefully before I go to bed each night among other things. To some degree a fear of men – particularly within certain situations. Odd that my mother, who passed these along, has found such freedom from them, while I still struggle deeply.
I carry fears from a series of things that happened in my life when I was twelve – fear of betrayal by friends, fear of rejection. In fact, it was a friend asking me the question “What were you like when you were twelve?” that opened the doors to this recent plunge into deeper things of Jesus.
I’ve chosen to live openly – the things I put on this blog are the deep heart things, very few things don’t make it here, or are held secretly. There are things I treasure in my heart that will never be shared, but mostly, I live with defiance – a honesty that is designed to push past the secret-keeping, fear inducing past of my life. I will give a piece of my heart to many who ask or draw it from me, and I trust them with it, but in some, secret corner, I wait for that moment of rejection and betrayal.
I want to be clear that I know so many of the spaces I’m occupying today are lies. That I know that fear is not from Christ, that He wants to combat lies. I just don’t know if I feel up to fighting that battle today. It seems easier to play dead.
So I’m sitting here, sipping tea, and listening to U2, and feeling angry, and exhausted by the battle, feeling frustrated, and unable (unwilling?) to fight.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Subtle Shiver
This song has been playing through my head the last few days... can't quite explain it, the events, but here are some pictures, and the words that underlie them in my head...
S
ubtle Shiver (by Diana Pops, recorded by Steve and Sarah Bell on "Sons and Daughters")
As I walk through this field in the fall time
Leaves become a red carpet as I pass by
Don’t know why but the world’s in its prime right now
As I walk the prairie skies are vacant
Pick up stones the river hasn’t taken
The firefly that danced with the frost silently dies
I hear traces of old familiar songs
The cold wind blowing helps to rush me along
And here I found You in your glory
On that cold October morning
In this clearing by the river
I felt a subtle shiver
I know You waited for me
Every wave on the water it is dancing
Looks as though summer never happened
The trees o’er my head sway as the sky starts to blaze
I never thought that You’d give me a love song
Never saw it’s been here all along
I close my eyes to cover a tear
That’s made it down my cheek and now I hear
Your voice it speaks so soft and clear…
You’ve seen Me everywhere
S
ubtle Shiver (by Diana Pops, recorded by Steve and Sarah Bell on "Sons and Daughters")As I walk through this field in the fall time
Leaves become a red carpet as I pass by
Don’t know why but the world’s in its prime right now
As I walk the prairie skies are vacant
Pick up stones the river hasn’t taken
The firefly that danced with the frost silently dies
I hear traces of old familiar songs
The cold wind blowing helps to rush me along
And here I found You in your glory
On that cold October morning
In this clearing by the river
I felt a subtle shiver
I know You waited for me
Every wave on the water it is dancing
Looks as though summer never happened
The trees o’er my head sway as the sky starts to blaze
I never thought that You’d give me a love song
Never saw it’s been here all along
I close my eyes to cover a tear
That’s made it down my cheek and now I hear
Your voice it speaks so soft and clear…
You’ve seen Me everywhere
More from Henri Nouwen on the Eucharist
Got two more great emails from the writings of Henri Nouwen when I returned to the office this morning after the long weekend...
Sacrament of Unity
The Eucharist is the sacrament of unity. It makes us into one body. The apostle Paul writes: "As there is one loaf, so we, although there are many of us, are one single body, for we all share in the one loaf" (1 Corinthians 10:17).
The Eucharist is much more than a place where we celebrate our unity in Christ. The Eucharist creates this unity. By eating from the same bread and drinking from the same cup, we become the body of Christ present in the world. Just as Christ becomes really present to us in the breaking of the bread, we become really present to one another as brothers and sisters of Christ, members of the same body. Thus the Eucharist not only signifies unity but also creates it.
Christ's Body, Our Body
When we gather for the Eucharist we gather in the Name of Jesus, who is calling us together to remember his death and resurrection in the breaking of the bread. There he is truly among us. "Where two or three meet in my name," he says, "I am there among them" (Matthew 18:20).
The presence of Jesus among us and in the gifts of bread and wine are the same presence. As we recognise Jesus in the breaking of the bread, we recognise him also in our brothers and sisters. As we give one another the bread, saying: "This is the Body of Christ," we give ourselves to each other saying: "We are the Body of Christ." It is one and the same giving, it is one and the same body, it is one and the same Christ.
Sacrament of Unity
The Eucharist is the sacrament of unity. It makes us into one body. The apostle Paul writes: "As there is one loaf, so we, although there are many of us, are one single body, for we all share in the one loaf" (1 Corinthians 10:17).
The Eucharist is much more than a place where we celebrate our unity in Christ. The Eucharist creates this unity. By eating from the same bread and drinking from the same cup, we become the body of Christ present in the world. Just as Christ becomes really present to us in the breaking of the bread, we become really present to one another as brothers and sisters of Christ, members of the same body. Thus the Eucharist not only signifies unity but also creates it.
Christ's Body, Our Body
When we gather for the Eucharist we gather in the Name of Jesus, who is calling us together to remember his death and resurrection in the breaking of the bread. There he is truly among us. "Where two or three meet in my name," he says, "I am there among them" (Matthew 18:20).
The presence of Jesus among us and in the gifts of bread and wine are the same presence. As we recognise Jesus in the breaking of the bread, we recognise him also in our brothers and sisters. As we give one another the bread, saying: "This is the Body of Christ," we give ourselves to each other saying: "We are the Body of Christ." It is one and the same giving, it is one and the same body, it is one and the same Christ.
Monday, October 08, 2007
Taking my own advice...
A year or two ago, I started making what I call "smile lists". A mental health professional I heard speak mentioned that making a list of thinks that you're grateful for performs approximately the same change in brain chemistry as taking a mild dose of an anti-depressant.
And the thing is, it actually seems to work.
I'm feeling down today, so it's time to make a list of things that I'm grateful for - things that are making me smile today....
And the thing is, it actually seems to work.
I'm feeling down today, so it's time to make a list of things that I'm grateful for - things that are making me smile today....
- a warm blanket to curl up under on my couch
- an email that radiates joy from a friend who has just arrived in Paris
- the prospect of possibly walking in the rain along Fish Creek later
- the photo of Paris on my living room wall
- an ongoing facebook conversation with a dear friend
- gifts to put in the mail for a variety of friends
- wool socks that aren't itchy
- "Here by the Water" on Steve Bell's Symphony Sessions album
- plans for a tea date with a friend tomorrow night
- a new book to read - the autobiography of George Muller
- plans to cook a nice dinner later today
- smoked gouda in my fridge
Funny how that works...
I rolled out of bed about 45 minutes ago, kind of groaning at the prospect of going to my favorite place in the mountains, and hiking this morning... the warm bed was awfully enticing.
About 15 minutes ago I got a phone call, telling me the trip was up in the air because of some weather difficulties (it's raining a little bit at the moment - just sprinkling, but usually always worse in the mountains). And I'm really disappointed, which surprised me.
I really want out of the city today. If it doesn't happen, then I need to find time to get to a creek or river, and just be for a bit. Needing to see water - have this crazy idea from a friend that I possibly need to dip my toes in the water!
Feeling tired, and something about water and mountains always lets me meet with Jesus and be restored... could use that today, before heading back into the week.
About 15 minutes ago I got a phone call, telling me the trip was up in the air because of some weather difficulties (it's raining a little bit at the moment - just sprinkling, but usually always worse in the mountains). And I'm really disappointed, which surprised me.
I really want out of the city today. If it doesn't happen, then I need to find time to get to a creek or river, and just be for a bit. Needing to see water - have this crazy idea from a friend that I possibly need to dip my toes in the water!
Feeling tired, and something about water and mountains always lets me meet with Jesus and be restored... could use that today, before heading back into the week.
Sunday, October 07, 2007
Secrets
Have you ever visited the "PostSecret" blog? There's a link to it in my sidebar if you haven't...
People write their deepest secrets anonymously on a postcard and mail them in, and every Sunday, a stack of new secrets are posted for the world to share. Some are funny, some are crude, some are deeply disturbing... I saw one once, beautifully sketched tear drops, and all it said was "I miss innocence". I understood that sentiment...
I'm thinking about secrets tonight... Here are a few of mine...
I pretend to be a really deep-thinking person, but I actually like nothing quite so much as crashing in front of slightly trashy television in the evening, and refusing to have my brain engage. I spend so much time lost in thought that in the evenings I often want nothing more that to completely disengage from the world, and to laugh at whichever show that vastly separated from reality happens to be on that night... I know it's not really constructive, but I do it anyway...
I pretend to be really brave, and open to new things, but I'm usually faking it... I am afraid, and it affects my physical health... in the hours before heading out to something new, I am often sick to my stomach with anxiety and fear.
I have a strong need for control. I'm working on this, but a schedule and a sense of rhythm are really helpful for me. I also tend to be absentminded, and things that are important get missed.
To control, and to combat the absentmindedness, I use lists. I love lists. I derive great satisfaction and a strong sense of accomplishment from crossing something off of a list I've made. A grocery list, a list of all the errands I need to accomplish. I don't actually use a day planner - I make a list for the week because it has helped me establish a sense of rhythm. I put everything on that list - the people stuff, the home stuff, the church stuff, the personal stuff. Everything from "do the laundry" to "spend 1 hour at least 3 times reading and meditating" to "coffee with so and so" to "Bible study prep" to "stretching exercises". Sometimes, just because I like crossing things off, I'll put the really mundane on there - "shower" or "make a cup of tea".
Life has felt out of control these last few weeks... The Lord is doing new and deep things, but I feel like other important things have been missing in action, and I'm feeling the need to fall back into a rhythm. I've deliberately scheduled my calendar to be quite blank for this coming week. One tea date with a friend, and a trip to the mountains tomorrow. I feel like after a couple of really intense weeks once again, I need to time to breathe, to let my body and head catch up with my soul, to reconnect into a whole person again. I want to cook real food, not pre-prepared dinners because I have to be back out the door ten minutes after I walk in. I want to sit in a darkened room, and smell incense, and pray for an hour or two without feeling like I'm neglecting other things. I want to stretch, and breathe deeply, and not feel that I'm wasting twenty minutes I should be using on something else. So, this week, I'm setting out to rest, and to re-establish rhythm. When I finish writing this post, I'm going to make my list for the week. It's going to have things on it like "take a bubble bath", "journal for an hour", "read two chapters in a book I'm reading right now on art", "have tea with a friend", "mail gifts to various other friends", "send Rae a card so that it's waiting when she gets home from Europe", "breathe", "research graduate schools".
I'm all about my list being full of things that inspire me to pray this week, and that inspire me to step into things that make me feel alive. So yes, I'm excerting control, but I'm hoping it turns out in the best possible way!
People write their deepest secrets anonymously on a postcard and mail them in, and every Sunday, a stack of new secrets are posted for the world to share. Some are funny, some are crude, some are deeply disturbing... I saw one once, beautifully sketched tear drops, and all it said was "I miss innocence". I understood that sentiment...
I'm thinking about secrets tonight... Here are a few of mine...
I pretend to be a really deep-thinking person, but I actually like nothing quite so much as crashing in front of slightly trashy television in the evening, and refusing to have my brain engage. I spend so much time lost in thought that in the evenings I often want nothing more that to completely disengage from the world, and to laugh at whichever show that vastly separated from reality happens to be on that night... I know it's not really constructive, but I do it anyway...
I pretend to be really brave, and open to new things, but I'm usually faking it... I am afraid, and it affects my physical health... in the hours before heading out to something new, I am often sick to my stomach with anxiety and fear.
I have a strong need for control. I'm working on this, but a schedule and a sense of rhythm are really helpful for me. I also tend to be absentminded, and things that are important get missed.
To control, and to combat the absentmindedness, I use lists. I love lists. I derive great satisfaction and a strong sense of accomplishment from crossing something off of a list I've made. A grocery list, a list of all the errands I need to accomplish. I don't actually use a day planner - I make a list for the week because it has helped me establish a sense of rhythm. I put everything on that list - the people stuff, the home stuff, the church stuff, the personal stuff. Everything from "do the laundry" to "spend 1 hour at least 3 times reading and meditating" to "coffee with so and so" to "Bible study prep" to "stretching exercises". Sometimes, just because I like crossing things off, I'll put the really mundane on there - "shower" or "make a cup of tea".
Life has felt out of control these last few weeks... The Lord is doing new and deep things, but I feel like other important things have been missing in action, and I'm feeling the need to fall back into a rhythm. I've deliberately scheduled my calendar to be quite blank for this coming week. One tea date with a friend, and a trip to the mountains tomorrow. I feel like after a couple of really intense weeks once again, I need to time to breathe, to let my body and head catch up with my soul, to reconnect into a whole person again. I want to cook real food, not pre-prepared dinners because I have to be back out the door ten minutes after I walk in. I want to sit in a darkened room, and smell incense, and pray for an hour or two without feeling like I'm neglecting other things. I want to stretch, and breathe deeply, and not feel that I'm wasting twenty minutes I should be using on something else. So, this week, I'm setting out to rest, and to re-establish rhythm. When I finish writing this post, I'm going to make my list for the week. It's going to have things on it like "take a bubble bath", "journal for an hour", "read two chapters in a book I'm reading right now on art", "have tea with a friend", "mail gifts to various other friends", "send Rae a card so that it's waiting when she gets home from Europe", "breathe", "research graduate schools".
I'm all about my list being full of things that inspire me to pray this week, and that inspire me to step into things that make me feel alive. So yes, I'm excerting control, but I'm hoping it turns out in the best possible way!
Saturday, October 06, 2007
Alive?
Have you ever heard Tony Campolo tell his story about being "fully alive?" He starts by talking about how he used to teach introductory sociology, and he'd ask the class every year, "how long have you been alive?" and they'd answer in the way you'd expect for freshman university students. "24 years." "22 years." and so on. Then Dr. Campolo would ask again, "No, how long have you really been alive?" and he'd tell a story of a moment when he felt fully and completely alive. As the students would catch on, someone would always be forced to admit, "Well, Dr. Campolo, by that definition, I've only probably really been alive for a few minutes."
I've had moments this week where I felt really alive. And I'm hungry for more.
I was sharing some long time fears with a dear friend last weekend. Fears at the way the Lord has hijacked my life in recent months. Fears of becoming "weird" if I continue to walk into the things He seems to have placed in front of me. At some point she stopped me from talking and began to pray, and spoke a simple sentence that I've come back to all week, "You've been ruined for the ordinary." All week those words have haunted me, wrecked me.
There's something so appealing in being ordinary at times. In fitting, in not living on the fringes. And yet, Jesus seems to be able to be found on the fringes. I've encountered Him there in places I've never expected.
It's hard to live a life that has been "ruined for the ordinary" - to never quite fit, to feel like a stranger in your own roles.
My prayer today is that I will be alive - not one foot in death, and one in life, but fully alive. To live in that space of being ruined, and be okay with it.
I've had moments this week where I felt really alive. And I'm hungry for more.
I was sharing some long time fears with a dear friend last weekend. Fears at the way the Lord has hijacked my life in recent months. Fears of becoming "weird" if I continue to walk into the things He seems to have placed in front of me. At some point she stopped me from talking and began to pray, and spoke a simple sentence that I've come back to all week, "You've been ruined for the ordinary." All week those words have haunted me, wrecked me.
There's something so appealing in being ordinary at times. In fitting, in not living on the fringes. And yet, Jesus seems to be able to be found on the fringes. I've encountered Him there in places I've never expected.
It's hard to live a life that has been "ruined for the ordinary" - to never quite fit, to feel like a stranger in your own roles.
My prayer today is that I will be alive - not one foot in death, and one in life, but fully alive. To live in that space of being ruined, and be okay with it.
Friday, October 05, 2007
Companion of the Souls - Henri Nouwen
This has been a full week and a bit, and eventually I'll have time to sit down, sift through my thoughts, and put some of them here. In the meantime, however, I'm going to my standby - another email I received from the Henri Nouwen society... I liked this new way of looking at the Road to Emmaus story, and I am meditating this morning, as I sip tea and sit at my desk, about what it means to be a "Christ-bearer."
Companion of the Souls
When the two disciples recognised Jesus as he broke the bread for them in their house in Emmaus, he "vanished from their sight" (Luke 24:31). The recognition and the disappearance of Jesus are one and the same event. Why? Because the disciples recognised that their Lord Jesus, the Christ, now lives in them ... that they have become Christ-bearers. Therefore, Jesus no longer sits across the table from them as the stranger, the guest, the friend with whom they can speak and from whom they can receive good counsel. He has become one with them. He has given them his own Spirit of Love. Their companion on the journey has become the companion of their souls. They are alive, yet it is no longer them, but Christ living in them (see Galatians 2:20).
Companion of the Souls
When the two disciples recognised Jesus as he broke the bread for them in their house in Emmaus, he "vanished from their sight" (Luke 24:31). The recognition and the disappearance of Jesus are one and the same event. Why? Because the disciples recognised that their Lord Jesus, the Christ, now lives in them ... that they have become Christ-bearers. Therefore, Jesus no longer sits across the table from them as the stranger, the guest, the friend with whom they can speak and from whom they can receive good counsel. He has become one with them. He has given them his own Spirit of Love. Their companion on the journey has become the companion of their souls. They are alive, yet it is no longer them, but Christ living in them (see Galatians 2:20).
Thursday, October 04, 2007
I'm laughing now...
I’m laughing now, but I wasn’t last night.
I walked in the door to my house last night after work, and, as I was changing clothes and getting ready to head back out for a coffee date with friends, I wondered why my house didn’t feel very much warmer inside than the nearly freezing outdoors.
I sort of figured it was that my internal body temperature is still off from being ill all week, but decided to check with my roommate anyway. “Is it me, or is it cold in here?”
She told me it was cold in our house.
I said I was going to turn the thermostat up.
She said that she’d actually turned the furnace off a day or two previously.
I almost lost it at that point.
I have to keep reminding myself that she’s never in her lifetime experienced winter. That she is a New Zealander who spent a huge chunk of her life in West Africa. That snow, and months of temperatures below zero are a foreign concept.
She has a need to conserve energy, which is great, except that we are living in a basement suite in Western Canada, not West Africa. Turning the heater off as winter approaches is not a good method of energy conservation in our living situation.
I told her she can’t turn the furnace off anymore. Things will freeze that shouldn’t – things like water pipes, and, well, me!
It took my brother to make me laugh at this one. He picked me up for the coffee with friends, and I was telling him that J. had turned off our heat. He wanted to know why – I told him it was because she wanted to conserve energy and save money. He cracked up when I commented that we don’t even pay for our heat separately – it’s included in our monthly rent! I started seeing the lighter side of it at that moment. She was curled up on our couch under a blanket when I left, wearing a polar fleece sweater and a scarf, and thought that it was normal!
I’m wondering, now if I was ever fighting with a faulty body thermostat this week, for the three days I’ve spent battling chills, or if it was just simply that my thrifty roommate was saving money on something that costs us nothing!
I walked in the door to my house last night after work, and, as I was changing clothes and getting ready to head back out for a coffee date with friends, I wondered why my house didn’t feel very much warmer inside than the nearly freezing outdoors.
I sort of figured it was that my internal body temperature is still off from being ill all week, but decided to check with my roommate anyway. “Is it me, or is it cold in here?”
She told me it was cold in our house.
I said I was going to turn the thermostat up.
She said that she’d actually turned the furnace off a day or two previously.
I almost lost it at that point.
I have to keep reminding myself that she’s never in her lifetime experienced winter. That she is a New Zealander who spent a huge chunk of her life in West Africa. That snow, and months of temperatures below zero are a foreign concept.
She has a need to conserve energy, which is great, except that we are living in a basement suite in Western Canada, not West Africa. Turning the heater off as winter approaches is not a good method of energy conservation in our living situation.
I told her she can’t turn the furnace off anymore. Things will freeze that shouldn’t – things like water pipes, and, well, me!
It took my brother to make me laugh at this one. He picked me up for the coffee with friends, and I was telling him that J. had turned off our heat. He wanted to know why – I told him it was because she wanted to conserve energy and save money. He cracked up when I commented that we don’t even pay for our heat separately – it’s included in our monthly rent! I started seeing the lighter side of it at that moment. She was curled up on our couch under a blanket when I left, wearing a polar fleece sweater and a scarf, and thought that it was normal!
I’m wondering, now if I was ever fighting with a faulty body thermostat this week, for the three days I’ve spent battling chills, or if it was just simply that my thrifty roommate was saving money on something that costs us nothing!
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Still thinking about it...
There is a moment of praying for someone that has haunted me for nearly two years. I wrote it about shortly after it happened here. That post remains my favorite blog post of all time, and you should read it before you read this one.
I've lost touch with her since then... and I wish I hadn't... I miss her - I miss her gutsy attitude in the face of insurmountable odds. I miss her sarcasm, her understanding of femininity, sharing books with her, and making catty comments back and forth across the Christian bookstore aisle at some of the truly ridiculous titles.
I'd like to pray for her again now, to wrap my arms around her and pray from this side of God's healing... to pray with the real belief in a God who heals and loves, and wants so desperately for her to find freedom and healing and wholeness.
I'd love to see her dance in worship, and see the triumph on her face when she tells a really great God story.
I wrote that night that I was praying that God would take a tiny mustard seed of faith - that He would hear the cry of my heart and not the inadequate words of my mouth. I remember the complete frustration of that moment, the whispered prayers, the shouting at a God who I was convinced didn't hear, because my own life was in such shambles.
Two weeks later I was healed. Seven years of depression gone - nearly overnight.
And her story? tied to my own healing - a long story involving feet, cutting, visions, and so much more.
Two years have passed, and I still find myself asking Jesus what it means that my own healing was so closely tied to the brokenness of another young woman. I was asking it again over the weekend...
I hadn't realized until today how close together the two dates were - the date of that moment when I held her in church, and the date of my own healing. The distance between hopelessness and growing wholeness was shorter than I remembered.
And now, I can't gather her in my arms anymore. No more catty comments in bookstores, or watching her dance during worship, but I still think about her often.
And though I can't hold her, the prayers for her wholeness roll nearly daily from my lips.
I've lost touch with her since then... and I wish I hadn't... I miss her - I miss her gutsy attitude in the face of insurmountable odds. I miss her sarcasm, her understanding of femininity, sharing books with her, and making catty comments back and forth across the Christian bookstore aisle at some of the truly ridiculous titles.
I'd like to pray for her again now, to wrap my arms around her and pray from this side of God's healing... to pray with the real belief in a God who heals and loves, and wants so desperately for her to find freedom and healing and wholeness.
I'd love to see her dance in worship, and see the triumph on her face when she tells a really great God story.
I wrote that night that I was praying that God would take a tiny mustard seed of faith - that He would hear the cry of my heart and not the inadequate words of my mouth. I remember the complete frustration of that moment, the whispered prayers, the shouting at a God who I was convinced didn't hear, because my own life was in such shambles.
Two weeks later I was healed. Seven years of depression gone - nearly overnight.
And her story? tied to my own healing - a long story involving feet, cutting, visions, and so much more.
Two years have passed, and I still find myself asking Jesus what it means that my own healing was so closely tied to the brokenness of another young woman. I was asking it again over the weekend...
I hadn't realized until today how close together the two dates were - the date of that moment when I held her in church, and the date of my own healing. The distance between hopelessness and growing wholeness was shorter than I remembered.
And now, I can't gather her in my arms anymore. No more catty comments in bookstores, or watching her dance during worship, but I still think about her often.
And though I can't hold her, the prayers for her wholeness roll nearly daily from my lips.
A Place of Vulnerability and Trust
More great stuff from Henri Nouwen...
A Place of Vulnerability and Trust
When we gather around the table and eat from the same loaf and drink from the same cup, we are most vulnerable to one another. We cannot have a meal together in peace with guns hanging over our shoulders and pistols attached to our belts. When we break bread together we leave our arms - whether they are physical or mental - at the door and enter into a place of mutual vulnerability and trust.
The beauty of the Eucharist is precisely that it is the place where a vulnerable God invites vulnerable people to come together in a peaceful meal. When we break bread and give it to each other, fear vanishes and God becomes very close.
A Place of Vulnerability and Trust
When we gather around the table and eat from the same loaf and drink from the same cup, we are most vulnerable to one another. We cannot have a meal together in peace with guns hanging over our shoulders and pistols attached to our belts. When we break bread together we leave our arms - whether they are physical or mental - at the door and enter into a place of mutual vulnerability and trust.
The beauty of the Eucharist is precisely that it is the place where a vulnerable God invites vulnerable people to come together in a peaceful meal. When we break bread and give it to each other, fear vanishes and God becomes very close.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Counseling
I've been thinking about people today, as I've drifted in and out of naps, recovering from some sort of stomach bug that hit me as I drove back to Calgary from the mountains at 5:30 yesterday morning.
I spent the weekend with people. Hearing stories, praying, sharing hearts, and it was one of the more intense yet beautiful things I could imagine.
I was at work for two hours this morning before my stomach and light-headedness got the better of me and sent me home for the day to the couch in my living room. It was really hard to walk back into that atmosphere. To know that it is occasionally a place of ministry and connecting with people, but that it is also a place where I do very little that motivates or inspires or challenges me.
I am beginning to sense a confirmation of things that are coming. I had a conversation last night with a friend who has just moved back to Calgary to pursue schooling towards her own dream of becoming a counselor.
I want to spend my days listening to people's stories, praying for them, and loving them. The best moments in my current work day are the moments I get to spend at lunch hour or coffee break, dialouging with a friend who always has big questions on her mind - answering questions, sharing my heart and journey with her.
It's time to start pursuing that dream again, to take it up from the way-side. To query some schools - my dream school in Seattle, and an option in Calgary/Winnipeg as well. I'm going to spend some time this week sending out emails and seeing what comes back... It's time to be spending my days with people instead of numbers and typing projects.
I spent the weekend with people. Hearing stories, praying, sharing hearts, and it was one of the more intense yet beautiful things I could imagine.
I was at work for two hours this morning before my stomach and light-headedness got the better of me and sent me home for the day to the couch in my living room. It was really hard to walk back into that atmosphere. To know that it is occasionally a place of ministry and connecting with people, but that it is also a place where I do very little that motivates or inspires or challenges me.
I am beginning to sense a confirmation of things that are coming. I had a conversation last night with a friend who has just moved back to Calgary to pursue schooling towards her own dream of becoming a counselor.
I want to spend my days listening to people's stories, praying for them, and loving them. The best moments in my current work day are the moments I get to spend at lunch hour or coffee break, dialouging with a friend who always has big questions on her mind - answering questions, sharing my heart and journey with her.
It's time to start pursuing that dream again, to take it up from the way-side. To query some schools - my dream school in Seattle, and an option in Calgary/Winnipeg as well. I'm going to spend some time this week sending out emails and seeing what comes back... It's time to be spending my days with people instead of numbers and typing projects.
Monday, October 01, 2007
It hurts to grow...
I just watched the season 4 premiere of Grey's Anatomy on the internet. I get mocked, and even feel a little guilty sometimes for enjoying this show so much. It's basically a soap opera in prime-time.
But here's the thing - time and time again, the writers, in the midst of all the extraneous sex, the ridiculous, never happen in real life medical stuff, manage to communicate deep truths that grab at my heart in ways I just never expected.
And today, one of the lines is summing up some of the things I'm thinking about coming away from a fantastic and incredibly stretching weekend, and finding myself flat on my back all day with a stomach bug. The line?
It hurts to grow. Anyone who tells you it doesn't is lying.
But here's the thing - time and time again, the writers, in the midst of all the extraneous sex, the ridiculous, never happen in real life medical stuff, manage to communicate deep truths that grab at my heart in ways I just never expected.
And today, one of the lines is summing up some of the things I'm thinking about coming away from a fantastic and incredibly stretching weekend, and finding myself flat on my back all day with a stomach bug. The line?
It hurts to grow. Anyone who tells you it doesn't is lying.
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