It was a kind of wild morning at work today, and I'm really glad I'd prearranged to have the afternoon off. I'm tired. Bone tired. Emotionally, mentally, and physically drained. The only more trying day I can think of in recent days is that one about a week and a half ago where there was weird stuff going on in the spiritual realm.
Today was kind of like that, only everything was very much spilling over into the here and now of our physical office space.
To be honest, this is not the state I wanted to be in as I prepare to join a group of people for a weekend of prayer, dreaming, and worship. I wanted to go into this rested, feeling at peace. I'm a long way from that right now.
I got home from work, took a shower, and threw in a load of laundry. With the possible exception of one phone call, and getting up to switch my laundry from the washer to the dryer, I don't intend to move from the couch I'm reclining on for the next hour and a half. I'm hoping to sleep, maybe pray, at the very least calm and distract my mind.
Pray for my work situation if you think about it. There are some very special people there who are facing some difficult times, and it's beginning to wear on all of us. Pray for wisdom, for leaders to step up, for peace.
As a peacemaker by nature the kind of tension infecting the office these days is draining. Pray that I would be able to guard my mind and heart in the midst of this, and truly offer the peace of Christ to all.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Tired and uncertain
I'm nervous about some upcoming stuff...
Looking forward to it, but nervous.
I hate that feeling.
I'm tired. Recovering from some sort of stomach bug that's been draining my energy for the last couple of days.
I'm feeling lonely. Missing some favorite people. Missing living at home and having random conversations with my family.
I'm avoiding delving into some stuff from my past that has come up in the last while. I'm scared to go there. I know Jesus is there. I know He's asking me to go there. I'm scared. Working up to it, I hope.
And with that, a little more West Wing before a slightly earlier bedtime.
Looking forward to it, but nervous.
I hate that feeling.
I'm tired. Recovering from some sort of stomach bug that's been draining my energy for the last couple of days.
I'm feeling lonely. Missing some favorite people. Missing living at home and having random conversations with my family.
I'm avoiding delving into some stuff from my past that has come up in the last while. I'm scared to go there. I know Jesus is there. I know He's asking me to go there. I'm scared. Working up to it, I hope.
And with that, a little more West Wing before a slightly earlier bedtime.
Telling my story - again
I was re-reading this post that I wrote earlier this spring. In it I talked about how I continue to discover that one of the most powerful things God has given me to speak is my own story of depression and healing.
What I hadn't realized as fully then, is how telling the story impacts me. Each time I speak honestly, and break the silence that had for so long surrounded that part of my life, I experience a growing sense of freedom.
I was with someone I've known my entire life last night. We met for coffee to talk about some upcoming church commitments I've made. And somehow, as we talked about those things, about the things I'm beginning to dream and plan for this year with the teenagers and young adults I'll be working with, we began to talk about my past. And the depression came up. So I very honestly mentioned that from about the age of 16 until about the age of 22, I was severely depressed, at times suicidal. The conversation went on from there, it wasn't something we dwelt on, but it stuck out for me.
There is a growing sense of freedom as I speak those words and tell that story.
I was thinking this morning as I walked from the train to my office about how very often I still wake up in the morning stunned at the miracle of healing that Jesus has worked and continues to work in my life. How over the top ecstatic I am to find myself in this place - to feel, to be alive, to know that freedom is an ever-increasing thing in my life.
What I hadn't realized as fully then, is how telling the story impacts me. Each time I speak honestly, and break the silence that had for so long surrounded that part of my life, I experience a growing sense of freedom.
I was with someone I've known my entire life last night. We met for coffee to talk about some upcoming church commitments I've made. And somehow, as we talked about those things, about the things I'm beginning to dream and plan for this year with the teenagers and young adults I'll be working with, we began to talk about my past. And the depression came up. So I very honestly mentioned that from about the age of 16 until about the age of 22, I was severely depressed, at times suicidal. The conversation went on from there, it wasn't something we dwelt on, but it stuck out for me.
There is a growing sense of freedom as I speak those words and tell that story.
I was thinking this morning as I walked from the train to my office about how very often I still wake up in the morning stunned at the miracle of healing that Jesus has worked and continues to work in my life. How over the top ecstatic I am to find myself in this place - to feel, to be alive, to know that freedom is an ever-increasing thing in my life.
The bad guys...
I was witness to a conversation on the train this morning that made me very sad.
Sitting in the seat behind me was a little boy and his uncle - a young man about my age or a bit older. As we rounded the corner to come out of downtown, we had a clear view of the drop-in center, a major homeless shelter in downtown Calgary. There was the usual crowd of people, milling around, sleeping along the fence. And this morning there was a larger than usual police presence.
As we rounded the corner and the little boy noticed the police cars, his uncle took it as a teaching moment. "Look at all the police cars. There's a lot of them. They have to get rid of all those bad guys."
The words didn't hit home until a few minutes later. The bad guys - these people who, for whatever reason, don't have a proper place to sleep at night, or a place to spend their days. And I was sad that we are teaching children from such an early age that these people are inherently bad because of their life circumstances.
I felt guilt, too. Because, to be honest, I wouldn't want to walk by myself in that neighborhood. It has a reputation for being very unsafe. I've wondered at times why the police don't clean the area up. Why these people can't just go get jobs in Calgary's booming job market.
This is an ongoing struggle for me. Both a calling to love those in the gutters, and a fear of that same thing.
And so, this morning, I'm a little sad, and a little convicted both.
Sitting in the seat behind me was a little boy and his uncle - a young man about my age or a bit older. As we rounded the corner to come out of downtown, we had a clear view of the drop-in center, a major homeless shelter in downtown Calgary. There was the usual crowd of people, milling around, sleeping along the fence. And this morning there was a larger than usual police presence.
As we rounded the corner and the little boy noticed the police cars, his uncle took it as a teaching moment. "Look at all the police cars. There's a lot of them. They have to get rid of all those bad guys."
The words didn't hit home until a few minutes later. The bad guys - these people who, for whatever reason, don't have a proper place to sleep at night, or a place to spend their days. And I was sad that we are teaching children from such an early age that these people are inherently bad because of their life circumstances.
I felt guilt, too. Because, to be honest, I wouldn't want to walk by myself in that neighborhood. It has a reputation for being very unsafe. I've wondered at times why the police don't clean the area up. Why these people can't just go get jobs in Calgary's booming job market.
This is an ongoing struggle for me. Both a calling to love those in the gutters, and a fear of that same thing.
And so, this morning, I'm a little sad, and a little convicted both.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Re-reading
I've been reading through some of my blog archives this morning. I'm putting links in this post to some of my favorites - things that are still so close to my heart, and things that seem to express the things I was thinking and praying about with poignancy and clarity that grabs at me all over again when I re-read them.
The first one is titled "In that moment" and it is still my favorite all-time blog post. I've been thinking about that moment a lot again lately. It still comes back to me with deep clarity. There was something profound and disturbing in that time. Something that was both deeply encouraging and entirely frustrating. So much has happened in my life since then. So much healing, so much knowledge gained, and yet, as I look back, I wonder if there is any way to handle that moment other than what I did. I hope and pray that the presence of Christ drew near to her that day as I spoke words of desperation over both of our lives.
The Silence of a Muddled Mind - in mid-wrestle, a pause for Hallelujah.
Preaching for My Ears to Hear - a breakthrough moment that I still hold dear.
Poets Don't Go Mad... a favorite passage from G.K. Chesterton
The Kingdom ISN'T breaking through - One of the most important pieces I ever wrote, and a message I still speak out regularly. God in the tiny things, not just the huge moments. God in the dirt and the broken and the gutters.
From the Ashes - this one came after a beautiful night full of art and music, during which my friend Kirk Bartha preached a sermon that I heard with my heart instead of my ears. Such a moment of relief in the midst of a crazy season of life - that flash of knowing granted by the Spirit to give strength to walk just a bit further.
Keep the Weight On - a brilliant excerpt from an article on redemption and the cross by Dan Haseltine that was published in Relevant Magazine. Worth reading. This contains one of my favorite quotes of all time. "We must confront our humanity and know ourselves as both the walking wounded and the perpetually healed."
The first one is titled "In that moment" and it is still my favorite all-time blog post. I've been thinking about that moment a lot again lately. It still comes back to me with deep clarity. There was something profound and disturbing in that time. Something that was both deeply encouraging and entirely frustrating. So much has happened in my life since then. So much healing, so much knowledge gained, and yet, as I look back, I wonder if there is any way to handle that moment other than what I did. I hope and pray that the presence of Christ drew near to her that day as I spoke words of desperation over both of our lives.
The Silence of a Muddled Mind - in mid-wrestle, a pause for Hallelujah.
Preaching for My Ears to Hear - a breakthrough moment that I still hold dear.
Poets Don't Go Mad... a favorite passage from G.K. Chesterton
The Kingdom ISN'T breaking through - One of the most important pieces I ever wrote, and a message I still speak out regularly. God in the tiny things, not just the huge moments. God in the dirt and the broken and the gutters.
From the Ashes - this one came after a beautiful night full of art and music, during which my friend Kirk Bartha preached a sermon that I heard with my heart instead of my ears. Such a moment of relief in the midst of a crazy season of life - that flash of knowing granted by the Spirit to give strength to walk just a bit further.
Keep the Weight On - a brilliant excerpt from an article on redemption and the cross by Dan Haseltine that was published in Relevant Magazine. Worth reading. This contains one of my favorite quotes of all time. "We must confront our humanity and know ourselves as both the walking wounded and the perpetually healed."
Monday Morning thoughts
I've had a cup of tea, and half a litre of water this morning. A cookie (of the pre-packaged variety) and a muffin that my grandma baked for me.
In the last day, I've had blog hits from all kinds of interesting locations - all over Canada, Sweden, Russia, the UK, a whole bunch from all over the US, Spain, and even one from Saudi Arabia. Leave me a comment the next time you stop by!
It's cold and wet outside, and I'm struggling to breathe again today. Feels like something is sitting in the center of my ribcage. It actually hurts quite a bit. There were moments as I was walking to the train this morning that I actually thought I was going to throw up in the effort to pull in a couple of deep breaths.
The quiet evening I was planning for last night didn't quite pan out. No tea. No reading or journalling on the couch. I watched a bit of tv on dvd - this time on my new television and dvd player. I ended up doing a bunch of stuff with my roommate. We moved a bunch of furniture around (hopefully for the last time) to accomodate the new tv. We did some errands - I bought a tv stand at walmart for $30, and then spent quite a while assembling it to a workable form. Some situps and stretching exercises, a quick shower, and my night drew to a close.
I've been sleeping restlessly again for the last week. This is what happens when things go haywire around me in the spiritual realm... There have been things going on since the trip I made last weekend - good things, but very difficult, and they're affecting my sleep.
I'm mulling over the line of what is and is not a sick day in my head these days. I get 10 paid sick days a year, and I've used 2 and a half. I'm feeling mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually drained at the moment. Feeling like I need time to regroup. A day off - no thinking unless I feel it, no wrestling or wondering, just sleep, and something brainless for activity - television, a movie.
However, this week has somehow filled up. Something every evening except one. I actually wrote "night at home" on my calendar for that evening. Seems I'm now scheduling time to rest. I'll probably take the bus home two or three times this week, instead of the train, because that, at least, gives me an hour and a half of uninterrupted time to simply be. I'm on my own, and don't have to talk with anyone. I can simply listen to music, read, pray, study, think, rest - whatever catches my fancy at that moment. I've learned to grab opportunities to build that time into my schedule whenever possible. If it's nice out on Wednesday night - the night I've scheduled to do nothing - I'll probably head for a park with my ipod and journal, and walk and pray and journal for a while - we'll see.
In the last day, I've had blog hits from all kinds of interesting locations - all over Canada, Sweden, Russia, the UK, a whole bunch from all over the US, Spain, and even one from Saudi Arabia. Leave me a comment the next time you stop by!
It's cold and wet outside, and I'm struggling to breathe again today. Feels like something is sitting in the center of my ribcage. It actually hurts quite a bit. There were moments as I was walking to the train this morning that I actually thought I was going to throw up in the effort to pull in a couple of deep breaths.
The quiet evening I was planning for last night didn't quite pan out. No tea. No reading or journalling on the couch. I watched a bit of tv on dvd - this time on my new television and dvd player. I ended up doing a bunch of stuff with my roommate. We moved a bunch of furniture around (hopefully for the last time) to accomodate the new tv. We did some errands - I bought a tv stand at walmart for $30, and then spent quite a while assembling it to a workable form. Some situps and stretching exercises, a quick shower, and my night drew to a close.
I've been sleeping restlessly again for the last week. This is what happens when things go haywire around me in the spiritual realm... There have been things going on since the trip I made last weekend - good things, but very difficult, and they're affecting my sleep.
I'm mulling over the line of what is and is not a sick day in my head these days. I get 10 paid sick days a year, and I've used 2 and a half. I'm feeling mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually drained at the moment. Feeling like I need time to regroup. A day off - no thinking unless I feel it, no wrestling or wondering, just sleep, and something brainless for activity - television, a movie.
However, this week has somehow filled up. Something every evening except one. I actually wrote "night at home" on my calendar for that evening. Seems I'm now scheduling time to rest. I'll probably take the bus home two or three times this week, instead of the train, because that, at least, gives me an hour and a half of uninterrupted time to simply be. I'm on my own, and don't have to talk with anyone. I can simply listen to music, read, pray, study, think, rest - whatever catches my fancy at that moment. I've learned to grab opportunities to build that time into my schedule whenever possible. If it's nice out on Wednesday night - the night I've scheduled to do nothing - I'll probably head for a park with my ipod and journal, and walk and pray and journal for a while - we'll see.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
A Grown-up sort of day...
This has thus far been a bitter-sweet sort of day.
One of those days that underscores the "oh crap I'm an adult" feeling that comes upon me from time to time.
There have been some special moments. Feeling comfortable enough in my own person to refuse a request at church this morning that I do something I didn't want to do today, and knew that I wasn't the right person to do. Hanging with my parents over lunch. Receiving a compliment from my dad. Going shopping with my mom and buying my first television and dvd player for my new house - that one made me feel very adult like!
There have been some slightly more painful moments. Knowing that I can't accept an offer of a place to live that I desperately want to accept because it doesn't fit well with the way I've structured my finances - it would cost too much, and I'd have to buy a car. I was praying earlier this week about the traveling I feel God has placed on my heart to do in the very near future, and as I was asking Him yet again how I was going to be able to afford it, feeling him increase a growing conviction on my heart that perhaps I didn't really need a car right now, and that, if I chose to forgo buying the car, I could use the significant chunk of savings I've put away for the car to do the traveling instead. Hurting, though to turn down the offer that was made to me. Trying to figure out how to be involved in an upcoming opportunity two nights a week without a car. Knowing though, that the traveling is from God and that it needs to be a priority. Grieving with a friend over some painful news she shared with me at a party last night.
A bit bittersweet today. And that's okay... the joys and sorrows co-mingled. "For the joy set before him, he endured the cross..." is the passage that comes to mind.
And with that, I'm off to make tea, light candles, and curl up to either read or watch a movie or both. I need to create some breathing space once again. There are some things I'm walking through right now which will probably never surface on this blog for public consumption, but which are drawing a great deal of energy and attention and care.
It's chilly in my basement home today, so I'm going to make tea and light candles, and breathe.
One of those days that underscores the "oh crap I'm an adult" feeling that comes upon me from time to time.
There have been some special moments. Feeling comfortable enough in my own person to refuse a request at church this morning that I do something I didn't want to do today, and knew that I wasn't the right person to do. Hanging with my parents over lunch. Receiving a compliment from my dad. Going shopping with my mom and buying my first television and dvd player for my new house - that one made me feel very adult like!
There have been some slightly more painful moments. Knowing that I can't accept an offer of a place to live that I desperately want to accept because it doesn't fit well with the way I've structured my finances - it would cost too much, and I'd have to buy a car. I was praying earlier this week about the traveling I feel God has placed on my heart to do in the very near future, and as I was asking Him yet again how I was going to be able to afford it, feeling him increase a growing conviction on my heart that perhaps I didn't really need a car right now, and that, if I chose to forgo buying the car, I could use the significant chunk of savings I've put away for the car to do the traveling instead. Hurting, though to turn down the offer that was made to me. Trying to figure out how to be involved in an upcoming opportunity two nights a week without a car. Knowing though, that the traveling is from God and that it needs to be a priority. Grieving with a friend over some painful news she shared with me at a party last night.
A bit bittersweet today. And that's okay... the joys and sorrows co-mingled. "For the joy set before him, he endured the cross..." is the passage that comes to mind.
And with that, I'm off to make tea, light candles, and curl up to either read or watch a movie or both. I need to create some breathing space once again. There are some things I'm walking through right now which will probably never surface on this blog for public consumption, but which are drawing a great deal of energy and attention and care.
It's chilly in my basement home today, so I'm going to make tea and light candles, and breathe.
Still working to breathe
It hit me as I was traveling home from work on Friday, how very true in so many ways this week my statements about "remembering to breathe" have been.
There has been a catch in my physical breath all week. A heavyness and pain in the center of my chest that has made it difficult to pull in a full and deep and healing breath. Plus, my allergies have ramped up all week, draining from my sinuses and making it hard to catch a breath - making me cough and choke as I try to breathe in.
I'm feeling it this morning, the need to breathe deeply both physically and emotionally. I'm feeling the pain in my chest, and the heavyness of heart.
I'm off to church this morning, and finding myself wishing that I could have the people, without all of the fixings - without the religion. I'm so tired of the religion.
Ok... well, I need to go get ready for the day. After church I'm hanging with my mom - we're going shopping for a television. I'm looking forward to spending time with her after the week we've both had.
Lisa is remembering to breathe. That's what I'm going to keep reminding myself of today.
There has been a catch in my physical breath all week. A heavyness and pain in the center of my chest that has made it difficult to pull in a full and deep and healing breath. Plus, my allergies have ramped up all week, draining from my sinuses and making it hard to catch a breath - making me cough and choke as I try to breathe in.
I'm feeling it this morning, the need to breathe deeply both physically and emotionally. I'm feeling the pain in my chest, and the heavyness of heart.
I'm off to church this morning, and finding myself wishing that I could have the people, without all of the fixings - without the religion. I'm so tired of the religion.
Ok... well, I need to go get ready for the day. After church I'm hanging with my mom - we're going shopping for a television. I'm looking forward to spending time with her after the week we've both had.
Lisa is remembering to breathe. That's what I'm going to keep reminding myself of today.
Friday, August 24, 2007
Remembering to Breathe
My facebook status today reads, "Lisa is remembering to breathe."
That's how I feel. This has been an incredibly intense week, full of people, and deep, emotional, mental and spiritual things. I am exhausted.
This morning a daily reflection email that I receive from the Moravian church contained the following verse:
God alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. Psalm 62:6
I've been looking at that off and on all day, and feeling encouraged.
I'm reminding myself to slow down, to seek perspective, to not become lost in the things that seem overwhelming right now - in the swirl of my own thoughts.
I'm reminding myself to breathe. To breathe in life, and breathe out death. To breathe in peace and breathe out confusion and uncertainty. To breate in love and acceptance and breathe out hatred and rejection.
It's helping.
That's how I feel. This has been an incredibly intense week, full of people, and deep, emotional, mental and spiritual things. I am exhausted.
This morning a daily reflection email that I receive from the Moravian church contained the following verse:
God alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. Psalm 62:6
I've been looking at that off and on all day, and feeling encouraged.
I'm reminding myself to slow down, to seek perspective, to not become lost in the things that seem overwhelming right now - in the swirl of my own thoughts.
I'm reminding myself to breathe. To breathe in life, and breathe out death. To breathe in peace and breathe out confusion and uncertainty. To breate in love and acceptance and breathe out hatred and rejection.
It's helping.
Meeting God in the Poor - Henri Nouwen
Another great email from the Henri Nouwen society today...
Meeting God in the Poor
When we are not afraid to confess our own poverty, we will be able to be with other people in theirs. The Christ who lives in our own poverty recognises the Christ who lives in other people's. Just as we are inclined to ignore our own poverty, we are inclined to ignore others'. We prefer not to see people who are destitute, we do not like to look at people who are deformed or disabled, we avoid talking about people's pains and sorrows, we stay away from brokenness, helplessness, and neediness.
By this avoidance we might lose touch with the people through whom God is manifested to us. But when we have discovered God in our own poverty, we will lose our fear of the poor and go to them to meet God.
Meeting God in the Poor
When we are not afraid to confess our own poverty, we will be able to be with other people in theirs. The Christ who lives in our own poverty recognises the Christ who lives in other people's. Just as we are inclined to ignore our own poverty, we are inclined to ignore others'. We prefer not to see people who are destitute, we do not like to look at people who are deformed or disabled, we avoid talking about people's pains and sorrows, we stay away from brokenness, helplessness, and neediness.
By this avoidance we might lose touch with the people through whom God is manifested to us. But when we have discovered God in our own poverty, we will lose our fear of the poor and go to them to meet God.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Fascinating Article
I've only read the first bit of this article - I've printed it for closer reading at home tonight. It discusses letters written by Mother Teresa that have recently been released and detail her long struggles around faith and doubt. I find it encouraging to know that such a paragon of faith - a woman who gave so much of herself in service to Christ struggled intimately with doubts.
You can check the article out here.
You can check the article out here.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Sad
I was just updating some things on my facebook page, and tried to update the emotion. I wanted it to say, "Lisa is feeling sad." Except, apparently in the world of facebook, emotions that are spelled with only 3 letters aren't emotions, so it says, "Lisa is feeling melancholy." This is an appropriate descriptor, if somewhat of an overkill from the simplicity I wanted.
I'm tired tonight, and a bit people overwhelmed. This has been a really intense week internally, and I'm feeling like I need a break. The break doesn't seem to be immediately forthcoming.
I'm feeling the wear and tear of some heavy things that came up over the weekend, that I'm not quite sure how to process and heal from.
I'm feeling the wear and tear of some decisions I quite willingly made about church, but often find myself second guessing.
I'm wondering why the friends who really challenge and inspire and encourage me in my walk with the Lord all live in other towns and cities, and how I can build more time with them into my life on a regular basis.
I'm going to bed. It's not a good idea to pontificate when I hit this level of exhaustion. Things just swirl around and around, and get grayer and more grim. Time to pull out for a while and try to sleep.
I'm tired tonight, and a bit people overwhelmed. This has been a really intense week internally, and I'm feeling like I need a break. The break doesn't seem to be immediately forthcoming.
I'm feeling the wear and tear of some heavy things that came up over the weekend, that I'm not quite sure how to process and heal from.
I'm feeling the wear and tear of some decisions I quite willingly made about church, but often find myself second guessing.
I'm wondering why the friends who really challenge and inspire and encourage me in my walk with the Lord all live in other towns and cities, and how I can build more time with them into my life on a regular basis.
I'm going to bed. It's not a good idea to pontificate when I hit this level of exhaustion. Things just swirl around and around, and get grayer and more grim. Time to pull out for a while and try to sleep.
Guard Your Eyes
I keep hearing and feeling the phrase "guard your eyes" in the inner parts of me these last few days.
I received the following verse in an email on July 4th (Independence Day for my other nationality) this year. It's caught at me ever since...
May those who sow in tears reap with shouts of joy. Those who go out weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, carrying their sheaves. Psalm 126:5,6
Guard your eyes. Why the eyes, Lord? Not the soul? Not the heart? Why my eyes?
I have long been sensitive to visual imagery. I was joking with a friend who's an artist about it last night - the fact that I can't take in violent or dark imagery without paying a price. We laughed at the idea that if I was an artist, all my work would be flowers and rainbows and kittens and butterflies - pretty boring and unbalanced.
I can encounter the heavier things in word pictures. I can even paint those word pictures, but please don't ask me to attach visuals to them. Violence, in particular, gets me.
The classic example are the Lord of the Rings movies. I only ever saw the first one. I loved the books. I loved the redemption. I can't attach visuals to the things I read. I pay for it in lost sleep for weeks.
I am noticing that again this morning... slept poorly, with dreams tripping over themselves in their haste to disturb my sleep last night. Attributed, quite possibly, to the movie I saw with Tim last night (which I wrote about yesterday, and actually quite enjoyed...)
I noticed on the train this morning that I have also been particularly sensitive to things of great beauty lately. To mountains and forests. To the city skyline on a sunny day, set against the backdrop of clouds and mountains. To simple flowers as I walk in the park. To the innocence of babies. To the growth of roots on the plant slips that are being started on my desk. To the hearts of friends. To the tears running down my brother's face as he took in images of a poor orphan girl, setting up her place to sleep for the night on the streets in India.
Guard your eyes. Not sure where this going, but I'm being pulled ever deeper...
I received the following verse in an email on July 4th (Independence Day for my other nationality) this year. It's caught at me ever since...
May those who sow in tears reap with shouts of joy. Those who go out weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, carrying their sheaves. Psalm 126:5,6
Guard your eyes. Why the eyes, Lord? Not the soul? Not the heart? Why my eyes?
I have long been sensitive to visual imagery. I was joking with a friend who's an artist about it last night - the fact that I can't take in violent or dark imagery without paying a price. We laughed at the idea that if I was an artist, all my work would be flowers and rainbows and kittens and butterflies - pretty boring and unbalanced.
I can encounter the heavier things in word pictures. I can even paint those word pictures, but please don't ask me to attach visuals to them. Violence, in particular, gets me.
The classic example are the Lord of the Rings movies. I only ever saw the first one. I loved the books. I loved the redemption. I can't attach visuals to the things I read. I pay for it in lost sleep for weeks.
I am noticing that again this morning... slept poorly, with dreams tripping over themselves in their haste to disturb my sleep last night. Attributed, quite possibly, to the movie I saw with Tim last night (which I wrote about yesterday, and actually quite enjoyed...)
I noticed on the train this morning that I have also been particularly sensitive to things of great beauty lately. To mountains and forests. To the city skyline on a sunny day, set against the backdrop of clouds and mountains. To simple flowers as I walk in the park. To the innocence of babies. To the growth of roots on the plant slips that are being started on my desk. To the hearts of friends. To the tears running down my brother's face as he took in images of a poor orphan girl, setting up her place to sleep for the night on the streets in India.
Guard your eyes. Not sure where this going, but I'm being pulled ever deeper...
On the journey towards hope
The following reflection from the Henri Nouwen society (this time not written by Henri) arrived in my inbox this morning... I'm passing it along.
On the Journey Towards Hope
written by ALBERT M. LEWIS
The journey towards hope is a deliberate and difficult decision, especially if hope is not a common part of our life and vision. The extreme opposite of hope is despair, and the middle ground is indecision or ambivalence. Ambivalence prevents us from seeing the mystery and hearing the music of life; all is gray, and sameness surrounds us. Despair causes us to see and feel everything in consistently blotted blocks of black. Hope, the consciously conceived child of the desire for more, is parented by the will to dream ever so slightly about a tomorrow, and to let go of what must be cast off from today. Moses, Jesus, and certain prophets wandered in the desert of doubt and despair for as long as forty days. Yet each of them allowed himself to be open enough to be delivered, and ultimately to become the deliverer.
Hope whispers to us: "You are alive and loved, even if you cannot fully feel it." The inhale and exhale of a breath, the blink of an eye, and the yawn of tiredness or boredom remind us that hope is part of the soul yearning to be fully acknowledged. Hope rises from the soul first as a rivulet and then as a great stream. It begins in the daring to sleep or nourish ourselves. Hope is rooted in the soul, watered by tears shed and shared, and given life by us and God. At any moment, therefore, you are at least halfway there.
- RABBI ALBERT M. LEWIS is the Director of the Emeritus College at Aquinas, in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and a weekly columnist for the Grand Rapids Press.
On the Journey Towards Hope
written by ALBERT M. LEWIS
The journey towards hope is a deliberate and difficult decision, especially if hope is not a common part of our life and vision. The extreme opposite of hope is despair, and the middle ground is indecision or ambivalence. Ambivalence prevents us from seeing the mystery and hearing the music of life; all is gray, and sameness surrounds us. Despair causes us to see and feel everything in consistently blotted blocks of black. Hope, the consciously conceived child of the desire for more, is parented by the will to dream ever so slightly about a tomorrow, and to let go of what must be cast off from today. Moses, Jesus, and certain prophets wandered in the desert of doubt and despair for as long as forty days. Yet each of them allowed himself to be open enough to be delivered, and ultimately to become the deliverer.
Hope whispers to us: "You are alive and loved, even if you cannot fully feel it." The inhale and exhale of a breath, the blink of an eye, and the yawn of tiredness or boredom remind us that hope is part of the soul yearning to be fully acknowledged. Hope rises from the soul first as a rivulet and then as a great stream. It begins in the daring to sleep or nourish ourselves. Hope is rooted in the soul, watered by tears shed and shared, and given life by us and God. At any moment, therefore, you are at least halfway there.
- RABBI ALBERT M. LEWIS is the Director of the Emeritus College at Aquinas, in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and a weekly columnist for the Grand Rapids Press.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Stardust and other things
My brother, T. invited me out to see a movie tonight. We saw "Stardust". Not at all what I was expecting. Enjoyable, but quite a lot darker than I was prepared for.
Strong themes of good versus evil. Dark humor. These are the sort of things I usually try not to attach such vivid visual images to.
I'm feeling a bit unsettled as a result. Going to pray carefully before sleeping tonight, as I find myself wondering about the possibility of nightmares.
Things seem to have settled down a bit in the office today. They even seem to have calmed just a bit around my family. But not sure what's going on...
Strong themes of good versus evil. Dark humor. These are the sort of things I usually try not to attach such vivid visual images to.
I'm feeling a bit unsettled as a result. Going to pray carefully before sleeping tonight, as I find myself wondering about the possibility of nightmares.
Things seem to have settled down a bit in the office today. They even seem to have calmed just a bit around my family. But not sure what's going on...
Monday, August 20, 2007
A Fierce Day
There are deep things going on around me in the last few days. I don't understand a lot of them, but I know they're important.
I'm learning about the things that are mine, and the things that aren't as I pray. I'm learning about how not to absorb them.
I almost never have a sense of the spiritual dynamics of a room or a location. I can typically sense stuff going on with specific people, but rarely in a room.
Today, I knew there was stuff going on in the room.
This is so rare for me that I emailed a friend I'd talked about this kind of stuff with, to get some advice on how to handle it.
I left my office for a very specific ten minute period at lunch today. I had planned to eat with a coworker, and begged her grace for ten minutes. I needed a break from the building. There was something going on in the building today. I have a pretty good idea of what a bunch of it was tied to.
For ten minutes I walked and prayed. I talked with Jesus about the people and things I was picking up. I handed the things I was experiencing - the emotions that weren't mine - off. As I prayed I felt Jesus begin to speak, even though I'd only given him a tiny ten minute time limit. He spoke, and I prayed. When I went back to lunch with my coworker, some of the things God spoke were confirmed. Words I'd heard as I walked and prayed came out in our discussion of the very odd day we were both experiencing. My peace was restored, though somewhat challenged as the afternoon wore on.
I found myself exhausted as I traveled home. My body is not used to the sort of hyper-awareness I lived in today. I very nearly fell asleep in the middle of reading the first chapter of "Listening Prayer" on the bus. I think, though, that I'm going to find the book very helpful.
And with that, I'm going to chill on the couch. I need some downtime before engaging in the next battle.
I'm learning about the things that are mine, and the things that aren't as I pray. I'm learning about how not to absorb them.
I almost never have a sense of the spiritual dynamics of a room or a location. I can typically sense stuff going on with specific people, but rarely in a room.
Today, I knew there was stuff going on in the room.
This is so rare for me that I emailed a friend I'd talked about this kind of stuff with, to get some advice on how to handle it.
I left my office for a very specific ten minute period at lunch today. I had planned to eat with a coworker, and begged her grace for ten minutes. I needed a break from the building. There was something going on in the building today. I have a pretty good idea of what a bunch of it was tied to.
For ten minutes I walked and prayed. I talked with Jesus about the people and things I was picking up. I handed the things I was experiencing - the emotions that weren't mine - off. As I prayed I felt Jesus begin to speak, even though I'd only given him a tiny ten minute time limit. He spoke, and I prayed. When I went back to lunch with my coworker, some of the things God spoke were confirmed. Words I'd heard as I walked and prayed came out in our discussion of the very odd day we were both experiencing. My peace was restored, though somewhat challenged as the afternoon wore on.
I found myself exhausted as I traveled home. My body is not used to the sort of hyper-awareness I lived in today. I very nearly fell asleep in the middle of reading the first chapter of "Listening Prayer" on the bus. I think, though, that I'm going to find the book very helpful.
And with that, I'm going to chill on the couch. I need some downtime before engaging in the next battle.
In the atmosphere
I’m feeling a strong pull inward today. Walking around the insides of my soul tentatively and taking stock. Figuring out what's going on. What's mine in there, and what isn't.
It’s been an odd twenty four hours.
I spent a significant chunk of time both Saturday and yesterday exploring something I hadn’t thought about in years, and beginning to figure out next steps in some areas of my life.
I came home from the mountains last night feeling stretched, but very peaceful. I had a strong sense of the hands of God working in some areas of my life, though very few answers to some of the questions I had been seeking answers for.
As I mentioned in a post last night, I came home to discover that my mom had been hospitalized for much of the day yesterday. I’m still waiting to hear how she’s doing today.
I woke this morning with a perfect peace. Something that’s been lacking these last few months. A strong awareness of the close presence of the Spirit. A solution on my heart for one of the situations I’d been praying about all weekend. My commute this morning was an extension of that peace – a prayerful journey as I talked with God about many things past and upcoming in my life.
I arrived at the office, and couldn’t tell exactly what it was, but knew that something was off.
I don’t usually pick up on the spiritual or emotional atmosphere of a place. I quite easily pick that up from people, but rarely from location.
This has been a weird morning. There is something heavy going on in the atmosphere of our building (or at least our floor), and people are feeling it. Several have commented to me that they are having “weird days” or “one of those days.”
A relative of two of my coworkers passed away over the weekend, and that is adding something to the atmosphere.
I have been experiencing emotions all morning that I know are not mine. Intense anger. A cold, hardness of spirit. Grief. Deep, longing sadness. I’m working at not absorbing these things. The sense of peace I woke with this morning gives me the assurance that these are not mine, and yet, they are seeking to undermine my peace, and my confidence in the things God spoke as I traveled to work this morning.
I think I’m going to leave the building for a bit on my lunch hour. I feel like I need to be outside. To release some stuff and come back restored and refreshed for the afternoon.
It seems an odd coincidence that the book I brought with me to read on the bus on the way home this afternoon is one that Kirk lent me several months back, and I’m just now finding time to begin to wade through. The title? “Listening Prayer.”
It’s been an odd twenty four hours.
I spent a significant chunk of time both Saturday and yesterday exploring something I hadn’t thought about in years, and beginning to figure out next steps in some areas of my life.
I came home from the mountains last night feeling stretched, but very peaceful. I had a strong sense of the hands of God working in some areas of my life, though very few answers to some of the questions I had been seeking answers for.
As I mentioned in a post last night, I came home to discover that my mom had been hospitalized for much of the day yesterday. I’m still waiting to hear how she’s doing today.
I woke this morning with a perfect peace. Something that’s been lacking these last few months. A strong awareness of the close presence of the Spirit. A solution on my heart for one of the situations I’d been praying about all weekend. My commute this morning was an extension of that peace – a prayerful journey as I talked with God about many things past and upcoming in my life.
I arrived at the office, and couldn’t tell exactly what it was, but knew that something was off.
I don’t usually pick up on the spiritual or emotional atmosphere of a place. I quite easily pick that up from people, but rarely from location.
This has been a weird morning. There is something heavy going on in the atmosphere of our building (or at least our floor), and people are feeling it. Several have commented to me that they are having “weird days” or “one of those days.”
A relative of two of my coworkers passed away over the weekend, and that is adding something to the atmosphere.
I have been experiencing emotions all morning that I know are not mine. Intense anger. A cold, hardness of spirit. Grief. Deep, longing sadness. I’m working at not absorbing these things. The sense of peace I woke with this morning gives me the assurance that these are not mine, and yet, they are seeking to undermine my peace, and my confidence in the things God spoke as I traveled to work this morning.
I think I’m going to leave the building for a bit on my lunch hour. I feel like I need to be outside. To release some stuff and come back restored and refreshed for the afternoon.
It seems an odd coincidence that the book I brought with me to read on the bus on the way home this afternoon is one that Kirk lent me several months back, and I’m just now finding time to begin to wade through. The title? “Listening Prayer.”
Sunday, August 19, 2007
A common pose
This is a picture that's fairly indicative of how I spend evenings at home - bundled up on the couch in a hoody, under a blanket, resting against a pillow. Reading, thinking, sometimes blogging. I kind of like this picture, so thought I'd put it up here.
Please Pray
I sent out the following email to some friends and intercessors when I arrived back in Calgary this evening. I'd appreciate your prayers as well.
Hi All!
Some of you probably know that I left Calgary on Friday evening to spend a weekend in the mountains, a bit of time away to do some praying and thinking through some decisions that have recently sprung up in my life. The time away turned out to be very much a blessing – a significant time with wonderful friends. There is, however, much to walk through in terms of some deeply personal and spiritual issues as a result of the weekend. I spent a large chunk of this morning journaling, and came up with some specific questions to which I will need to seek answers, and steps to take in these next days. I returned to Calgary this evening feeling very challenged, but very peaceful.
However, I came home to a rather troubling situation. My mom was taken by ambulance from a church event this morning to the local hospital. Dad spent the day there with her, and brought her home when they released her late this afternoon. When I spoke to dad, mom was resting at home. Mom suffers from an inner ear problem that from time to time violently flares up, completely eliminating any equilibrium, and making her violently nauseous. When this happens she has to be hospitalized or she becomes dangerously dehydrated. My mom also suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) due to a horribly abusive childhood, and is on medications to control some symptoms related to sleeping and depression. There tends to be a tie in to these episodes with her inner ear, and months when she has made significant recovery progress with the PTSD.
There also tends to be strong spiritual tie ins, and I sense that again this time, though I’m not sure exactly why. The enemy often seems to attack my family in the area of physical illness. Particularly my mom and my youngest brother (some of you will know that Tim is a musician who has been unable to play for the last ten months, due to a very difficult to diagnose and treat wrist injury that came out of nowhere – he is likely going to have surgery within the next month to try and correct the problem – touchy surgery due to the nature of the nerves, muscles and tendons in the hand and wrist).
I would greatly appreciate your prayers, and if you’re hearing anything I’d love it if you share it with me. The last time mom had one of these attacks, she was flat on her back for a week, unable to move around or the nausea would come back in force. Pray for healing, and for wisdom and discernment for me as I walk out these new things in my own life in the face of enemy attack, and as I seek to care for and be with my mom (and brother) in coming days.
Thanks so much for each of your involvement in my life – you are all appreciated, and much loved!
Lisa
Hi All!
Some of you probably know that I left Calgary on Friday evening to spend a weekend in the mountains, a bit of time away to do some praying and thinking through some decisions that have recently sprung up in my life. The time away turned out to be very much a blessing – a significant time with wonderful friends. There is, however, much to walk through in terms of some deeply personal and spiritual issues as a result of the weekend. I spent a large chunk of this morning journaling, and came up with some specific questions to which I will need to seek answers, and steps to take in these next days. I returned to Calgary this evening feeling very challenged, but very peaceful.
However, I came home to a rather troubling situation. My mom was taken by ambulance from a church event this morning to the local hospital. Dad spent the day there with her, and brought her home when they released her late this afternoon. When I spoke to dad, mom was resting at home. Mom suffers from an inner ear problem that from time to time violently flares up, completely eliminating any equilibrium, and making her violently nauseous. When this happens she has to be hospitalized or she becomes dangerously dehydrated. My mom also suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) due to a horribly abusive childhood, and is on medications to control some symptoms related to sleeping and depression. There tends to be a tie in to these episodes with her inner ear, and months when she has made significant recovery progress with the PTSD.
There also tends to be strong spiritual tie ins, and I sense that again this time, though I’m not sure exactly why. The enemy often seems to attack my family in the area of physical illness. Particularly my mom and my youngest brother (some of you will know that Tim is a musician who has been unable to play for the last ten months, due to a very difficult to diagnose and treat wrist injury that came out of nowhere – he is likely going to have surgery within the next month to try and correct the problem – touchy surgery due to the nature of the nerves, muscles and tendons in the hand and wrist).
I would greatly appreciate your prayers, and if you’re hearing anything I’d love it if you share it with me. The last time mom had one of these attacks, she was flat on her back for a week, unable to move around or the nausea would come back in force. Pray for healing, and for wisdom and discernment for me as I walk out these new things in my own life in the face of enemy attack, and as I seek to care for and be with my mom (and brother) in coming days.
Thanks so much for each of your involvement in my life – you are all appreciated, and much loved!
Lisa
Friday, August 17, 2007
Personality Profile
I did an interesting personality profile this morning.
The results have been added to the sidebar on the left (near the bottom) for your viewing pleasure.
Take the test. Then come back and tell me what your results were.
The results have been added to the sidebar on the left (near the bottom) for your viewing pleasure.
Take the test. Then come back and tell me what your results were.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Is Idealism Really a Bad Thing?
Lately I've been in several conversations where idealism is put down. Come to think of it, most of those conversations have involved the same person.
And, as someone who is greatly attracted to idealism - to characters in books, television and movies that display it, to people who demonstrate it - and who has a great deal of idealism in my own thoughts and dreams, I have to ask:
Is idealism really such a bad thing? I mean, wouldn't the world be lacking a lot of really beautiful things if various people hadn't been idealistic enough to believe that they could make a difference, that they could add beauty, in spite of opposition and naysayers?
And, as someone who is greatly attracted to idealism - to characters in books, television and movies that display it, to people who demonstrate it - and who has a great deal of idealism in my own thoughts and dreams, I have to ask:
Is idealism really such a bad thing? I mean, wouldn't the world be lacking a lot of really beautiful things if various people hadn't been idealistic enough to believe that they could make a difference, that they could add beauty, in spite of opposition and naysayers?
Lunch with Dad
I'm having lunch with my dad in about 20 minutes. I've actually been kind of dreading it since he called me yesterday to set it up. He wants to talk about church and ministry stuff. I'm not ready to have that conversation yet.
I have a fairly good idea of what he may want to discuss. The trouble is that I have no idea where I stand on those things yet. I'm heading to the mountains this weekend to pray and talk through some of these things. I need time away from the city, and time with trusted friends to verbally process some of this stuff. I don't want to make decisions from a point of feeling like I'm choosing the least unappealing of two unappealing options.
Pray for my lunch meeting if you happen to see this before it's over. Pray for my time away this weekend as I work to make some decisions, and seek Jesus for guidance on what comes next.
I have a fairly good idea of what he may want to discuss. The trouble is that I have no idea where I stand on those things yet. I'm heading to the mountains this weekend to pray and talk through some of these things. I need time away from the city, and time with trusted friends to verbally process some of this stuff. I don't want to make decisions from a point of feeling like I'm choosing the least unappealing of two unappealing options.
Pray for my lunch meeting if you happen to see this before it's over. Pray for my time away this weekend as I work to make some decisions, and seek Jesus for guidance on what comes next.
Continuing yesterday's Henri Nouwen Theme
Two more bits from Henri Nouwen this morning, continuing the theme from yesterday...
Protecting Our Hiddenness
If indeed the spiritual life is essentially a hidden life, how do we protect this hiddenness in the midst of a very public life? The two most important ways to protect our hiddenness are solitude and poverty. Solitude allows us to be alone with God. There we experience that we belong not to people, not even to those who love us and care for us, but to God and God alone. Poverty is where we experience our own and other people's weakness, limitations, and need for support. To be poor is to be without success, without fame, and without power. But there God chooses to show us God's love.
Both solitude and poverty protect the hiddenness of our lives.
Clinging to God in Solitude
When we enter into solitude to be with God alone, we quickly discover how dependent we are. Without the many distractions of our daily lives, we feel anxious and tense. When nobody speaks to us, calls on us, or needs our help, we start feeling like nobodies. Then we begin wondering whether we are useful, valuable, and significant. Our tendency is to leave this fearful solitude quickly and get busy again to reassure ourselves that we are "somebodies." But that is a temptation, because what makes us somebodies is not other people's responses to us but God's eternal love for us.
To claim the truth of ourselves we have to cling to our God in solitude as to the One who makes us who we are.
Protecting Our Hiddenness
If indeed the spiritual life is essentially a hidden life, how do we protect this hiddenness in the midst of a very public life? The two most important ways to protect our hiddenness are solitude and poverty. Solitude allows us to be alone with God. There we experience that we belong not to people, not even to those who love us and care for us, but to God and God alone. Poverty is where we experience our own and other people's weakness, limitations, and need for support. To be poor is to be without success, without fame, and without power. But there God chooses to show us God's love.
Both solitude and poverty protect the hiddenness of our lives.
Clinging to God in Solitude
When we enter into solitude to be with God alone, we quickly discover how dependent we are. Without the many distractions of our daily lives, we feel anxious and tense. When nobody speaks to us, calls on us, or needs our help, we start feeling like nobodies. Then we begin wondering whether we are useful, valuable, and significant. Our tendency is to leave this fearful solitude quickly and get busy again to reassure ourselves that we are "somebodies." But that is a temptation, because what makes us somebodies is not other people's responses to us but God's eternal love for us.
To claim the truth of ourselves we have to cling to our God in solitude as to the One who makes us who we are.
Headlines that Caught My Eye
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Henri Nouwen on Hiddenness
I found several gems from Henri Nouwen in my inbox when I returned from vacation, and now I'm sharing them with you!
The Hidden Life of Jesus
The largest part of Jesus' life was hidden. Jesus lived with his parents in Nazareth, "under their authority" (Luke 2:51), and there "increased in wisdom, in stature, and in favour with God and with people" (Luke 2:52). When we think about Jesus we mostly think about his words and miracles, his passion, death, and resurrection, but we should never forget that before all of that Jesus lived a simple, hidden life in a small town, far away from all the great people, great cities, and great events. Jesus' hidden life is very important for our own spiritual journeys. If we want to follow Jesus by words and deeds in the service of his Kingdom, we must first of all strive to follow Jesus in his simple, unspectacular, and very ordinary hidden life.
Hiddenness, a Place of Intimacy
Hiddenness is an essential quality of the spiritual life. Solitude, silence, quiet, ordinary tasks, being with people without great agendas, sleeping, eating, working, playing Ö all of that without being different from others, that is the life that Jesus lived and the life he asks us to live. It is in hiddenness that we, like Jesus, can increase "in wisdom, in stature, and in favour with God and with people" (Luke 2:51). It is in hiddenness that we can find a true intimacy with God and a true love for people.
Even during his active ministry, Jesus continued to return to hidden places to be with God alone. If we don't have a hidden life with God, our public life for God cannot bear fruit.
Hiddenness, a Place of Purification
One of the reasons that hiddenness is such an important aspect of the spiritual life is that it keeps us focused on God. In hiddenness we do not receive human acclamation, admiration, support, or encouragement. In hiddenness we have to go to God with our sorrows and joys and trust that God will give us what we most need.
In our society we are inclined to avoid hiddenness. We want to be seen and acknowledged. We want to be useful to others and influence the course of events. But as we become visible and popular, we quickly grow dependent on people and their responses and easily lose touch with God, the true source of our being. Hiddenness is the place of purification. In hiddenness we find our true selves.
The Hidden Life of Jesus
The largest part of Jesus' life was hidden. Jesus lived with his parents in Nazareth, "under their authority" (Luke 2:51), and there "increased in wisdom, in stature, and in favour with God and with people" (Luke 2:52). When we think about Jesus we mostly think about his words and miracles, his passion, death, and resurrection, but we should never forget that before all of that Jesus lived a simple, hidden life in a small town, far away from all the great people, great cities, and great events. Jesus' hidden life is very important for our own spiritual journeys. If we want to follow Jesus by words and deeds in the service of his Kingdom, we must first of all strive to follow Jesus in his simple, unspectacular, and very ordinary hidden life.
Hiddenness, a Place of Intimacy
Hiddenness is an essential quality of the spiritual life. Solitude, silence, quiet, ordinary tasks, being with people without great agendas, sleeping, eating, working, playing Ö all of that without being different from others, that is the life that Jesus lived and the life he asks us to live. It is in hiddenness that we, like Jesus, can increase "in wisdom, in stature, and in favour with God and with people" (Luke 2:51). It is in hiddenness that we can find a true intimacy with God and a true love for people.
Even during his active ministry, Jesus continued to return to hidden places to be with God alone. If we don't have a hidden life with God, our public life for God cannot bear fruit.
Hiddenness, a Place of Purification
One of the reasons that hiddenness is such an important aspect of the spiritual life is that it keeps us focused on God. In hiddenness we do not receive human acclamation, admiration, support, or encouragement. In hiddenness we have to go to God with our sorrows and joys and trust that God will give us what we most need.
In our society we are inclined to avoid hiddenness. We want to be seen and acknowledged. We want to be useful to others and influence the course of events. But as we become visible and popular, we quickly grow dependent on people and their responses and easily lose touch with God, the true source of our being. Hiddenness is the place of purification. In hiddenness we find our true selves.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Looking Up...
I watched a fun movie with an old friend tonight - No Reservations. Made me smile.
I had a long, unscheduled phone call with one of my favorite people tonight. That makes me smile.
I'm going to the mountains for the weekend - time away, some with friends, some hiking, some time drinking tea in a cosy shop and writing.
On Thursday night I'm going for a walk in the park with my mom - that should be nice too.
I'm still confused, still tired, frustrated, and uncertain on many fronts. But at this moment, I'm experiencing that most elusive of things - hope. And it feels pretty good.
I had a long, unscheduled phone call with one of my favorite people tonight. That makes me smile.
I'm going to the mountains for the weekend - time away, some with friends, some hiking, some time drinking tea in a cosy shop and writing.
On Thursday night I'm going for a walk in the park with my mom - that should be nice too.
I'm still confused, still tired, frustrated, and uncertain on many fronts. But at this moment, I'm experiencing that most elusive of things - hope. And it feels pretty good.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Nothing of My Own to Say
I'm processing some stuff - again. Praying, and waiting. Believing and doubting.
Renee had some beautiful things to say tonight, though. I identify with a lot of the stuff she talks about, particularly the last couple of paragraphs. You can find the whole post here.
Renee had some beautiful things to say tonight, though. I identify with a lot of the stuff she talks about, particularly the last couple of paragraphs. You can find the whole post here.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
I Think I need a Vacation....
I think I need a vacation from my vacation. I've been up earlier several days this week than I get up to go to work. I'm almost glad that I'm just spending the next couple days (starting tomorrow) at a conference.
Today, however, I'm going to Ptarmigan Cirque. This is one of my favorite places in all of creation. So beautiful. Probably louder today than normal since we're taking my two teenaged male cousins with us. A hike, a drive through beautiful country, should be a good day.
This is a picture from Ptarmigan Cirque last year with Megs:
See ya around!
Today, however, I'm going to Ptarmigan Cirque. This is one of my favorite places in all of creation. So beautiful. Probably louder today than normal since we're taking my two teenaged male cousins with us. A hike, a drive through beautiful country, should be a good day.
This is a picture from Ptarmigan Cirque last year with Megs:
See ya around!
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Happy Birthday to Me
I spent the morning (from 6 am til noon) sitting in the back of my dad's drift boat, floating down the world famous Bow River while my aunt and uncle were fly fishing.
I'm going to Elbow Falls for a bit this afternoon.
Then birthday dinner tonight.
Another good day.
I'm going to Elbow Falls for a bit this afternoon.
Then birthday dinner tonight.
Another good day.
Monday, August 06, 2007
Going to the Dinosaurs
I'm going to see dinosaurs today... lots of them.... or at least their bones.
I'm also going to the desert today.
I love the mountains, but the desert has it's own strange beauty.
I'm also going to the desert today.
I love the mountains, but the desert has it's own strange beauty.
Friday, August 03, 2007
The Deeper things...
There are things floating around me lately that defy words...
Lyrics from an as yet unrecorded song by Jacob and Lily that I heard at a couple of their shows a few months back... "...I heard that if I sold it all and bought a field I'd find myself a treasure..."
Lyrics from Jason Upton's song "You Decide What's Beautiful": "...You live in the tension, live in the tension, live in the tension of creation... you decide what's beautiful, you decide what's glorious... you're funny like that, you will not be controlled... way beyond men, way beyond our ideas... you live in the tension... you come to the broken, you live with the broken..."
Thoughts from an invitation I received this week, and from posts on Kirk's blog this last week or two...
A growing sense of expectation, coupled with a growing desire to spend time in quiet waiting.
A growing need to engage in the world - to engage in issues of justice, to care for the environment, to love on those in the "gutters" of the world.
A desire to make pilgrimage. To walk and pray and listen at various places around the globe.
A need to spend time with those people who make me most myself, most free to walk in the things of depth that God has placed in me.
A need to be in the mountains. I have tentative plans for two separate weekends over the course of this month. One on my own, staying with some friends, time for retreating, hiking, reading, and refocusing. One as a part of a gathering of people who pray.
A fascination with engagement with culture and politics, but from a place of separation. Engagement and separation...hmmm.... (see this post and particularly the article it links to, from earlier this week.)
I find myself very glad for a week away from the concerns of the office, the politics, the tension. A week to allow myself to once again rest and breathe. To spend time with family, and time at a conference for leadership development. To celebrate my birthday, and the birthdays of some others. To think and pray, and wait and wonder... That's where I'm at on this Friday morning.
Lyrics from an as yet unrecorded song by Jacob and Lily that I heard at a couple of their shows a few months back... "...I heard that if I sold it all and bought a field I'd find myself a treasure..."
Lyrics from Jason Upton's song "You Decide What's Beautiful": "...You live in the tension, live in the tension, live in the tension of creation... you decide what's beautiful, you decide what's glorious... you're funny like that, you will not be controlled... way beyond men, way beyond our ideas... you live in the tension... you come to the broken, you live with the broken..."
Thoughts from an invitation I received this week, and from posts on Kirk's blog this last week or two...
A growing sense of expectation, coupled with a growing desire to spend time in quiet waiting.
A growing need to engage in the world - to engage in issues of justice, to care for the environment, to love on those in the "gutters" of the world.
A desire to make pilgrimage. To walk and pray and listen at various places around the globe.
A need to spend time with those people who make me most myself, most free to walk in the things of depth that God has placed in me.
A need to be in the mountains. I have tentative plans for two separate weekends over the course of this month. One on my own, staying with some friends, time for retreating, hiking, reading, and refocusing. One as a part of a gathering of people who pray.
A fascination with engagement with culture and politics, but from a place of separation. Engagement and separation...hmmm.... (see this post and particularly the article it links to, from earlier this week.)
I find myself very glad for a week away from the concerns of the office, the politics, the tension. A week to allow myself to once again rest and breathe. To spend time with family, and time at a conference for leadership development. To celebrate my birthday, and the birthdays of some others. To think and pray, and wait and wonder... That's where I'm at on this Friday morning.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
One of My Favorite West Wing Quotes
From the episode in the third season titled "Dead Irish Writers".
Amy: Canadian, huh?
Donna: yeah.
Amy: You feel funnier?
Donna: No, but I am developing a massive inferiority complex.
Gotta love the quick minds of these writers, and, as a dual citizen, gotta love this sort of tongue in cheek, poking fun at the stereotypes humor!
Amy: Canadian, huh?
Donna: yeah.
Amy: You feel funnier?
Donna: No, but I am developing a massive inferiority complex.
Gotta love the quick minds of these writers, and, as a dual citizen, gotta love this sort of tongue in cheek, poking fun at the stereotypes humor!
Randoms thoughts of nothingness...
I feel like I should have something profound to say here. I don’t.
I’ve been waking every morning around 5 am again. While it is not by any means unusual for me to have sleep problems this has been oddly consistent. At least there don’t seem to be the usual onslaught of nightmares included with the inconsistent sleeping patterns.
I’ve hit that point of tiredness where your brain quite stubbornly refuses to function. I think I’ve bored my roommate to tears the last few nights, by calmly plopping myself on the couch with a magazine or cookbook, and popping a dvd into my laptop, and vegetating for the hours between dinner and bedtime. Then I crawl into bed, do my devotions, and read approximately two pages of a novel before I start falling asleep. I put the novel away, take off my glasses, and sleep until the aforementioned awakening at 5.
Life seems fuzzy and slow at the moment. A rhythm slowly returning, but not yet in a meaningful way. Things are once again being accomplished in the week they need to be accomplished, though.
One more box to sort through, and I’ve completely unpacked and settled into my bedroom.
Settling in to the rest of the house is taking longer. We’re unpacked, but it doesn’t feel like home yet. I miss having people to talk to about the important stuff of life. Yes, I have a roommate, but we are entirely opposite people. I find myself hesitant to trot out the really big important matters of life and faith in her presence. While I’m comfortable with people disagreeing with my thoughts and positions, I don’t really want to be fighting those battles on the homefront as well as everywhere else. I really need my home to be a place that I can retreat and recover. A place of prayer and rest.
There are moments when it begins to feel this way – an evening when my roommate was out and I prayed my way through the house. A little while last night as I relaxed on the couch with a beautiful Steve Bell song playing, and simply allowed my soul to be quieted and worship.
All in all, I’m glad for a week of vacation. Time with my immediate family, and the family members coming from Wisconsin. Three days at a conference on leadership connected to the church. Days with a break from my new house and my roommate. Days with a break from work, and a slower pace. Then a week back at work, and a tentatively scheduled weekend in the mountains. A week back at work, and a fun weekend in Calgary. A week back at work and another weekend in the mountains. And then, summer will draw to a close, a schedule will resume, and I’ll be a happy lady!
On a side note, apparently I look quite a bit younger than I actually am. In my second year of university I was mistaken by a camp pastor whom my parents were chatting with as a camper at the junior high camp going on that week! (We’d driven some junior high students down, and I was waiting for the return trip while my parents were chatting.) I thought that those days were behind me (though I still get carded when we go to pubs) until two weeks ago. A very well-meaning lady was visiting church, and approached myself and the junior high student I was chatting with. She introduced herself, asked a number of questions, and it became increasingly clear that she had mistaken me for being much younger than I was. When she asked me if I was looking forward to going back to school in the fall, the jig was up. I very nicely informed her that I was almost 24 years old, and had finished a five year university degree two years previously, and worked full time, so summer didn’t have quite the same distinction for me that it had for the young lady I was chatting with. Ah, well… my aunt says I’ll be grateful for a youthful appearance 25 years from now!
I’ve been waking every morning around 5 am again. While it is not by any means unusual for me to have sleep problems this has been oddly consistent. At least there don’t seem to be the usual onslaught of nightmares included with the inconsistent sleeping patterns.
I’ve hit that point of tiredness where your brain quite stubbornly refuses to function. I think I’ve bored my roommate to tears the last few nights, by calmly plopping myself on the couch with a magazine or cookbook, and popping a dvd into my laptop, and vegetating for the hours between dinner and bedtime. Then I crawl into bed, do my devotions, and read approximately two pages of a novel before I start falling asleep. I put the novel away, take off my glasses, and sleep until the aforementioned awakening at 5.
Life seems fuzzy and slow at the moment. A rhythm slowly returning, but not yet in a meaningful way. Things are once again being accomplished in the week they need to be accomplished, though.
One more box to sort through, and I’ve completely unpacked and settled into my bedroom.
Settling in to the rest of the house is taking longer. We’re unpacked, but it doesn’t feel like home yet. I miss having people to talk to about the important stuff of life. Yes, I have a roommate, but we are entirely opposite people. I find myself hesitant to trot out the really big important matters of life and faith in her presence. While I’m comfortable with people disagreeing with my thoughts and positions, I don’t really want to be fighting those battles on the homefront as well as everywhere else. I really need my home to be a place that I can retreat and recover. A place of prayer and rest.
There are moments when it begins to feel this way – an evening when my roommate was out and I prayed my way through the house. A little while last night as I relaxed on the couch with a beautiful Steve Bell song playing, and simply allowed my soul to be quieted and worship.
All in all, I’m glad for a week of vacation. Time with my immediate family, and the family members coming from Wisconsin. Three days at a conference on leadership connected to the church. Days with a break from my new house and my roommate. Days with a break from work, and a slower pace. Then a week back at work, and a tentatively scheduled weekend in the mountains. A week back at work, and a fun weekend in Calgary. A week back at work and another weekend in the mountains. And then, summer will draw to a close, a schedule will resume, and I’ll be a happy lady!
On a side note, apparently I look quite a bit younger than I actually am. In my second year of university I was mistaken by a camp pastor whom my parents were chatting with as a camper at the junior high camp going on that week! (We’d driven some junior high students down, and I was waiting for the return trip while my parents were chatting.) I thought that those days were behind me (though I still get carded when we go to pubs) until two weeks ago. A very well-meaning lady was visiting church, and approached myself and the junior high student I was chatting with. She introduced herself, asked a number of questions, and it became increasingly clear that she had mistaken me for being much younger than I was. When she asked me if I was looking forward to going back to school in the fall, the jig was up. I very nicely informed her that I was almost 24 years old, and had finished a five year university degree two years previously, and worked full time, so summer didn’t have quite the same distinction for me that it had for the young lady I was chatting with. Ah, well… my aunt says I’ll be grateful for a youthful appearance 25 years from now!
Stopping By
Well... I have today and tomorrow left, and then I have a week of holidays from work.
We have relatives coming in from Wisconsin, and I'm going to hang out with them and do day trips. I'm also going to give my grocery budget a break and let my mom feed me most meals for a week!
So, if things are quiet around here for the next week or so, that's why.
See ya around!
We have relatives coming in from Wisconsin, and I'm going to hang out with them and do day trips. I'm also going to give my grocery budget a break and let my mom feed me most meals for a week!
So, if things are quiet around here for the next week or so, that's why.
See ya around!
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