The Promised Update

I appreciate your prayers over the course of the weekend, and I’ve been wondering how to find the right words to describe the goings on…

We arrived safely in Canmore, on schedule, checked in to the hostel, cooked dinner, and then gathered for our evening. The teaching (the bit I was most nervous about) went quite well, though the format was slightly different from what I pictured in my head, and I was thus less able to follow my well laid out notes, and was somewhat more scattered. To be honest, I have no particular idea if the things we talked about that evening hit home in any of the kids, but I pray that they were challenged and encouraged by some of the things that were spoken.

I did, however, choose to share a bit personally from my own journey as I spoke about the silence of God. I spoke with a great deal of frankness about the five years that I suffered from depression, telling these young people about how frustrated I found myself with the silence of God in that time of my life, and about the frank prayers I spent so many hours repeating in those years, asking to simply be allowed to die, for life seemed completely hopeless and without meaning. I wasn’t sure how this would go over, what the shock level would be, and I was quite carefully watching certain faces as I spoke about this time in my life. I have known some of these young people since they were toddlers, and knew that none of them would have been aware of this season in my life, as it was something I very carefully worked to conceal from the church and world at large during the time I was going through it, thanks to the stigma attached to things like depression, and the corresponding frustration and anger with God. The shock I knew I would see was quite evident on certain faces!

I did not get much sleep that night (though that will surprise few of you who know me well!), but felt very much at peace as I laid on a top bunk and surveyed the young women sleeping all around me in the room. I spent much time praying for them, and simply listening for the voice of God as I lay awake through a big chunk of the night.

Saturday was filled with hiking, and a little bit of wandering around Canmore. We paused a couple of times on the hike, asking the kids to reflect on various topics, and on where they see God at work.

What was perhaps most exciting for me was a number of conversations I was able to have over the course of the weekend. Two of the girls rode in my car on the way up and the way home (though they slept most of the way home) and we were able to chat about a wide range of topics, and speak fairly openly about a number of things.

While hiking down the mountain on Saturday, one of the guys approached me. This is one of the guys I’ve known since he was probably about three years old (he’s eighteen now) and one whose face had reflected shock as I spoke so openly the night before. For most of the way down, I answered his questions about that time in my life, and began to tell the story of the grace and healing from God that I encountered so powerfully. We didn’t manage to finish the conversation, but the option is there for the future, and I find that encouraging indeed.

I am rapidly discovering that perhaps the most powerful thing God has given me to speak is my own story of depression and healing. I am rapidly discovering that things such as mental illness are still much concealed in Christian circles, though very, very common. Every time I am given the freedom to share this part of my life it opens the door for unique and beautiful conversations. I am asking God to continue to allow me to share how overwhelmed I am at the grace he has poured out on my life in this manner with as many people as he would have me tell.

So, that’s the update…

There are other things to tell, things about the course of the weekend that don’t pertain directly to the youth retreat… let’s just say that I had a rather difficult and exhausting day yesterday… I’ll unfold those things over the next days and weeks as I begin to process them and come to terms with them.