I'm going somewhere on Sunday to get a divorce. I don't know where yet. It'll depend on how much energy I have after moving, and whether George is feeling cooperative. I know where I'd like to go... but we'll see...
oh, right, you have no idea what I'm talking about.
Well, I can't quite go into all the details... too much personal struggle and pain tied up in this mess.
Remember how I read the book "Angry Conversations With God" by Susan Isaacs? I just finished listening to it in audio form this afternoon. The book in both forms has been profoundly used by God on my already rather bruised heart the last few weeks.
The passage below should explain, at least a little, my plan for Sunday. (Though I'll be going alone...)
I began my couples counseling with God in the fall of 2003. A year later, God walked out. It took me nearly six months of further counseling, but in the spring of 2005, I walked back into Rudy's office with my decision.
Susan: I've thought a lot about the cost. I've come to a decision. I want a divorce.
Rudy was taken aback for a moment.
Susan: I can't ask the real God back until I've divorced my old gods: the drill-sergeant Father, the wimpy Jesus, the drive-by Holy Spirit. They're not real anyway.
Rudy: You realize you'll have to accept the real God on God's terms?
Susan: Yes. I'll have to love him for himself, not for his money or what he can do for me.
Rudy: You know, most married couples hit a stage of profound disillusionment. Most of them quit. But the ones who work through it reach a whole new level of love. And I think you're going to have that.
Susan: Okay, then, divorce me. But wait!
Rudy: What?
Susan: I just had this horrible vision of God "blessing" me with another life-torching hardship.
Rudy: Stop it! That's no second-honeymoon gift... But if he does bring another hardship your way, it will be for a good reason, and you'll know the reason. Right? Stop cringing!
Susan: Okay. Let's do this.
Rudy prayed over me. He prayed that I would let go of the old gods and allow room for the real God. He prayed that when the exes came knocking at my door (and they would, because they don't give up easily), I'd recognize them for who they were: ciphers of my old distorted imagination. And then he prayed that I would learn to recognize the real God. That I would trust him.
Rudy: By the power vested in me by the state of grace, you are officially divorced from your wimpy jackass fake gods.
I sat still for a moment
Rudy: That's okay. Just take a moment; then ask him back.
I'd been on a few silent retreats where you don't talk all weekend. The first couple of hours were always torture. But by the end, I found so much beauty in the silence that I hated breaking it with words. (Although I got over it.) That's how I felt now. Sure, I'd cried to God along; I'd even sensed his anger or sorrow. And then I'd heard him speak my name. I didn't want to sully the moment with my own imaginings. Yet I had to take the risk. After all, it was when I dared to imagine that I sensed God enjoying me.
An image came to my mind: I was walking along the bluffs toward the beach. There were flowers along the path, but the sky was in shadow, the flowers were muted, like there was a severe solar eclipse. I kept walking toward the beach and, I guessed, toward God? Soon I walked past the line where the eclipse ended. Everything beyond was full of light and color: not some fake, Thomas Kinkade neon, but real color, real light. Real water. And there, on the beach, stood my husband. My Maker. The Lover of my soul.
Rudy didn't know why I was crying. But I could see them - the Trinity. I could feel their embrace, all three of them. Don't ask me what they looked like. I wasn't looking. You only need to see blue once to know what blue looks like.
Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come. (Song of Songs 2:10-12)
(Angry Conversations with God, pgs. 235-237)
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
These hit hard...
I'm walking through a lot of deeply personal stuff these days. Thoughts that may one day make their way in some form or other to this blog, but for the moment carry with them much uncertainty, anger, and pain. I've been feeling stretched past the limits again, and nearly unable to pray.
Anne Lamott wrote that the one prayer God always answers is, "Help!" I told a friend this morning that I was hoping that that is true, as it's about all I can manage to pray right now.
The following two quotes, one that was waiting in my inbox from Henri Nouwen, and one that was waiting on my desk in the calendar given to me by a dear friend, both struck my heart deeply today, for similar and different reasons.
From Henri:
Words That Come From the Heart
Words that do not become flesh in us remain "just words." They have no power to affect our lives. If someone says, "I love you," without any deep emotion, the words do more harm than good. But if these same words are spoken from the heart, they can create new life.
It is important that we keep in touch with the source of our words. Our great temptation is to become "pleasers," people who say the right words to please others but whose words have no roots in their interior lives. We have to keep making sure our words are rooted in our hearts. The best way to do that is in prayerful silence.
From the calendar:
"If you cannot pray by effort, then you will pray by endurance. In such an extremity, turn your face toward the Blessed Virgin, or toward any of the saints. Beg them to make your prayer for you, or to grant you some share in that prayer which they utter forever in heaven." (Saint Jane Frances de Chantal)
Anne Lamott wrote that the one prayer God always answers is, "Help!" I told a friend this morning that I was hoping that that is true, as it's about all I can manage to pray right now.
The following two quotes, one that was waiting in my inbox from Henri Nouwen, and one that was waiting on my desk in the calendar given to me by a dear friend, both struck my heart deeply today, for similar and different reasons.
From Henri:
Words That Come From the Heart
Words that do not become flesh in us remain "just words." They have no power to affect our lives. If someone says, "I love you," without any deep emotion, the words do more harm than good. But if these same words are spoken from the heart, they can create new life.
It is important that we keep in touch with the source of our words. Our great temptation is to become "pleasers," people who say the right words to please others but whose words have no roots in their interior lives. We have to keep making sure our words are rooted in our hearts. The best way to do that is in prayerful silence.
From the calendar:
"If you cannot pray by effort, then you will pray by endurance. In such an extremity, turn your face toward the Blessed Virgin, or toward any of the saints. Beg them to make your prayer for you, or to grant you some share in that prayer which they utter forever in heaven." (Saint Jane Frances de Chantal)
From Henri...
a few thoughts from Henri Nouwen that have once again been collecting in my inbox...
The Fruit of the Spirit
How does the Spirit of God manifest itself through us? Often we think that to witness means to speak up in defense of God. This idea can make us very self-conscious. We wonder where and how we can make God the topic of our conversations and how to convince our families, friends, neighbors, and colleagues of God's presence in their lives. But this explicit missionary endeavour often comes from an insecure heart and, therefore, easily creates divisions.
The way God's Spirit manifests itself most convincingly is through its fruits: "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, trustfulness, gentleness and self-control" (Galatians 5:22). These fruits speak for themselves. It is therefore always better to raise the question "How can I grow in the Spirit?" than the question "How can I make others believe in the Spirit?"
Right Living and Right Speaking
To be a witness for God is to be a living sign of God's presence in the world. What we live is more important than what we say, because the right way of living always leads to the right way of speaking. When we forgive our neighbours from our hearts, our hearts will speak forgiving words. When we are grateful, we will speak grateful words, and when we are hopeful and joyful, we will speak hopeful and joyful words.
When our words come too soon and we are not yet living what we are saying, we easily give double messages. Giving double messages - one with our words and another with our actions - makes us hypocrites. May our lives give us the right words and may our words lead us to the right life.
Growing into the Truth We Speak
Can we only speak when we are fully living what we are saying? If all our words had to cover all our actions, we would be doomed to permanent silence! Sometimes we are called to proclaim God's love even when we are not yet fully able to live it. Does that mean we are hypocrites? Only when our own words no longer call us to conversion. Nobody completely lives up to his or her own ideals and visions. But by proclaiming our ideals and visions with great conviction and great humility, we may gradually grow into the truth we speak. As long as we know that our lives always will speak louder than our words, we can trust that our words will remain humble.
Words That Become Flesh
Words are important. Without them our actions lose meaning. And without meaning we cannot live. Words can offer perspective, insight, understanding, and vision. Words can bring consolation, comfort, encouragement and hope. Words can take away fear, isolation, shame, and guilt. Words can reconcile, unite, forgive, and heal. Words can bring peace and joy, inner freedom and deep gratitude. Words, in short, can carry love on their wings. A word of love can be the greatest act of love. That is because when our words become flesh in our own lives and the lives of others, we can change the world.
Jesus is the word made flesh. In him speaking and acting were one.
The Fruit of the Spirit
How does the Spirit of God manifest itself through us? Often we think that to witness means to speak up in defense of God. This idea can make us very self-conscious. We wonder where and how we can make God the topic of our conversations and how to convince our families, friends, neighbors, and colleagues of God's presence in their lives. But this explicit missionary endeavour often comes from an insecure heart and, therefore, easily creates divisions.
The way God's Spirit manifests itself most convincingly is through its fruits: "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, trustfulness, gentleness and self-control" (Galatians 5:22). These fruits speak for themselves. It is therefore always better to raise the question "How can I grow in the Spirit?" than the question "How can I make others believe in the Spirit?"
Right Living and Right Speaking
To be a witness for God is to be a living sign of God's presence in the world. What we live is more important than what we say, because the right way of living always leads to the right way of speaking. When we forgive our neighbours from our hearts, our hearts will speak forgiving words. When we are grateful, we will speak grateful words, and when we are hopeful and joyful, we will speak hopeful and joyful words.
When our words come too soon and we are not yet living what we are saying, we easily give double messages. Giving double messages - one with our words and another with our actions - makes us hypocrites. May our lives give us the right words and may our words lead us to the right life.
Growing into the Truth We Speak
Can we only speak when we are fully living what we are saying? If all our words had to cover all our actions, we would be doomed to permanent silence! Sometimes we are called to proclaim God's love even when we are not yet fully able to live it. Does that mean we are hypocrites? Only when our own words no longer call us to conversion. Nobody completely lives up to his or her own ideals and visions. But by proclaiming our ideals and visions with great conviction and great humility, we may gradually grow into the truth we speak. As long as we know that our lives always will speak louder than our words, we can trust that our words will remain humble.
Words That Become Flesh
Words are important. Without them our actions lose meaning. And without meaning we cannot live. Words can offer perspective, insight, understanding, and vision. Words can bring consolation, comfort, encouragement and hope. Words can take away fear, isolation, shame, and guilt. Words can reconcile, unite, forgive, and heal. Words can bring peace and joy, inner freedom and deep gratitude. Words, in short, can carry love on their wings. A word of love can be the greatest act of love. That is because when our words become flesh in our own lives and the lives of others, we can change the world.
Jesus is the word made flesh. In him speaking and acting were one.
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