Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Weeping and Longing

These days it seems I spend a lot of time weeping. I don't think I've occupied this sort of emotional space since the last year that I suffered from depression, when the desperation and longing to be set free was growing on a daily basis. When hope for that freedom seemed to diminish on an equally daily basis, in direct proportion to the growth of my longing for it. The further away the hope of release seemed, the more desperately I seemed to long for it.

I'm in that space again.

Let me be quick to say that I am not, in fact, depressed. But to an unschooled observer, my life these days must closely resemble what it looked like three years ago, as I longed to be freed from the darkness, that, over the course of seven years, had so consumed my life.

My nose piercing aches these days. While it certainly wasn't my intention five months ago, when I paid a stranger to put his finger in my nostril, drive a needle through the nostril, and fill the hole created by that needle with a jewel, it would seem that I paid to have a spiritual barometer of sorts punched directly into my face. It would seem that by making the decision, on the second anniversary of my healing from depression, to mark my freedom on my body in a visible way, I created a sort of measuring stick for that freedom. And so, in the moments when I feel most bound, in the moments when I am most keenly aware of my desperate need to be set free, my nose piercing aches, or even becomes infected.

And I spend a lot of time in tears, or close to tears, or just recovering from the most recent bout of tears. Last night a friend described new found freedoms in her life to me, and I wept. With joy that she has found that for which she has longed and wrestled. And with longing of my own, asking the Lord when my turn will come.

I long for release. For freedom from the graveclothes that bind. For life. To feel light and warmth on my face once again. And I find myself, in the midst of that longing, in the midst of begging the Lord for that freedom, asking for eyes that see, ears that hear, and a heart that understands, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of sharing in His suffering, and the joy that His redemption brings.

Authority, Compassion, Shepherding, and Spiritual Reading

More good thoughts that have arrived over the last several days in my inbox from the Henri Nouwen society...

Authority and Obedience

Authority and obedience can never be divided, with some people having all the authority while others only have to obey. This separation causes authoritarian behaviour on the one side and doormat behaviour on the other. It perverts authority as well as obedience. A person with great authority who has nobody to be obedient to is in great spiritual danger. A very obedient person who has no authority over anyone is equally in danger.

Jesus spoke with great authority, but his whole life was complete obedience to his Father, and Jesus, who said to his Father, "Let it be as you, not I, would have it" (Matthew 26:39), has been given all authority in heaven and on earth (see Matthew 28:18). Let us ask ourselves: Do we live our authority in obedience and do we live our obedience with authority?

The Authority of Compassion

Mostly we think of people with great authority as higher up, far away, hard to reach. But spiritual authority comes from compassion and emerges from deep inner solidarity with those who are "subject" to authority. The one who is fully like us, who deeply understands our joys and pains or hopes and desires, and who is willing and able to walk with us, that is the one to whom we gladly give authority and whose "subjects" we are willing to be.

It is the compassionate authority that empowers, encourages, calls forth hidden gifts, and enables great things to happen. True spiritual authorities are located in the point of an upside-down triangle, supporting and holding into the light everyone they offer their leadership to.

The Shepherd and the Sheep

Spiritual leadership is the leadership of the Good Shepherd. As Jesus says, good shepherds know their sheep, and their sheep know them (see John 10:14). There must be a true mutuality between shepherds and their sheep. Good leaders know their own, and their own know them. Between them is mutual trust, mutual openness, mutual care, and mutual love. To follow our leaders we cannot be afraid of them, and to lead our followers we need their encouragement and support.

Jesus calls himself the Good Shepherd to show the great intimacy that must exist between leaders and those entrusted to them. Without such intimacy, leadership easily becomes oppressive.

Laying Down Your Life for Your Friends

Good Shepherds are willing to lay down their lives for their sheep (see John 10:11). As spiritual leaders walking in the footsteps of Jesus, we are called to lay down our lives for our people. This laying down might in special circumstances mean dying for others. But it means first of all making our own lives - our sorrows and joys, our despair and hope, our loneliness and experience of intimacy - available to others as sources of new life.

One of the greatest gifts we can give others is ourselves. We offer consolation and comfort, especially in moments of crisis, when we say: "Do not be afraid, I know what you are living and I am living it with you. You are not alone." Thus we become Christ-like shepherds.

Reading Spiritually About Spiritual Things

Reading often means gathering information, acquiring new insight and knowledge, and mastering a new field. It can lead us to degrees, diplomas, and certificates. Spiritual reading, however, is different. It means not simply reading about spiritual things but also reading about spiritual things in a spiritual way. That requires a willingness not just to read but to be read, not just to master but to be mastered by words. As long as we read the Bible or a spiritual book simply to acquire knowledge, our reading does not help us in our spiritual lives. We can become very knowledgeable about spiritual matters without becoming truly spiritual people.

As we read spiritually about spiritual things, we open our hearts to God's voice. Sometimes we must be willing to put down the book we are reading and just listen to what God is saying to us through its words.