Of all the liars in the world...

My best friend M. is picking me up in just under an hour. We're going for breakfast at a restaurant near my house, and then she's driving me to the airport.

I'm spending the weekend in another part of Canada, hanging out with a very dear friend. Basically, I'm flying across the country to get a hug. She gives the best hugs, and I've been waiting several months to collect on another one.

I probably won't blog until I get back on Monday night.

See you then!

About a year ago at this time, I was having panic attacks. I'd just picked up a girl with whom I'd exchanged only about 4 emails ever from the Calgary airport, and we'd signed a one year lease on a basement suite, and we were going to live together. I think I'd met her approximately one week prior to agreeing to spend the next year of my life in close quarters with her.

She'd never lived in North America (she's a Kiwi who grew up as an MK in West Africa) before. I'd never lived away from my parent's house before. Together we figured out this "flatting" in Calgary business.

Tonight I found myself sitting next to her on a couch, visiting with her parents (in from New Zealand), and her boyfriend (down from parts north to meet the parents) and reflecting that God knew what he was doing when he put us together.

J. has become a special friend. She's put up with my crazy moods this last while as I've sought to assimilate a great many changes in a short time. It was with great affection that I sat and teased her about having to sleep on my bedroom floor tonight. (her parents are using her bedroom, and her boyfriend will occupy our living room floor, where she's been sleeping for the last week or so while her parents have been with us.)

It was a random connection just over a year ago. Our parents had met each other once, just over a decade previously, in West Africa, and had many mutual friends who put the two of us in touch with each other.

Or maybe not so random. Maybe a gift from a God who knew precisely what I needed at the moment when I so badly needed to be out from under my parent's roof.

We're getting ready to move again. (We're adding a third girl - another Kiwi - to the mix). We visited a potential house tonight, and J. will follow up with the landlord to ask some questions and possibly arrange a lease in the morning.

Over the last year we've laughed together. Cooked together (and apart). We've both travelled to a wide variety of places, on the North American continent, and not so much. We've painted toenails and tinted eyelashes. And in the last few months, as we've each navigated major changes in our lives, we've hugged, we've cried, and even occasionally prayed together. (And there was that one memorable afternoon where we were both truly miserable and together feasted on the richest cheesecake we could buy for take-away at a local restaurant, and watched the goofiest movie we could think of.)

Tonight I'm thankful that God sent me J., just at the right moment. I'm thankful that someone who started out as a "convenient roommate" has become a friend who sees the deep places of my heart and loves me anyway.

More great thoughts from the Henri Nouwen society daily emails:

Being Clothed in Christ

Being a believer means being clothed in Christ. Paul says: "Every one of you that has been baptised has been clothed in Christ" (Galatians 3:26) and "Let your armour be the Lord Jesus Christ" (Romans 13:14). This being "clothed in Christ" is much more than wearing a cloak that covers our misery. It refers to a total transformation that allows us to say with Paul: "I have been crucified with Christ and yet I am alive; yet it is no longer I, but Christ living in me" (Galatians 2:20).


Thus, we are the living Christ in the world. Jesus, who is God-made-flesh, continues to reveal himself in our own flesh. Indeed, true salvation is becoming Christ.

God's Breath Given to Us

Being the living Christ today means being filled with the same Spirit that filled Jesus. Jesus and his Father are breathing the same breath, the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is the intimate communion that makes Jesus and his Father one. Jesus says: "I am in the Father and the Father is in me" (John 14:10) and "The Father and I are one" (John 10:30). It is this unity that Jesus wants to give us. That is the gift of his Holy Spirit.

Living a spiritual life, therefore, means living in the same communion with the Father as Jesus did, and thus making God present in the world.

I’m thinking this morning about the idea of a “fake it ‘til you make it” faith. I’m wondering if it works, and if maybe that’s the way to approach trust?

What if, everytime the Lord asks something of me, something that requires me to exhibit the trust that I don’t really have, I stopped, and instead of immediately refusing, asked myself how I would respond to that same request if it was posed to me by someone I implicitly trusted? What if I then chose to take a step into nothingness, and responded in the fashion that I would to one I trust?

My head says the Lord is implicitly trustworthy. My heart is having a bit more trouble with that proposition. My heart says that steps of trust and obedience have led me into a lot of really dark and painful places over the years, and asks why I should trust one that causes me pain? My head is quick to remind me that pain is not always a bad thing, but my heart has trouble with the idea that something that feels so bad could actually be good.

Trust and obedience are closely linked for me. I will not obey with any consistency one whom I don’t trust. My deep heart desire is to be continually obedient to the voice of the Lord, and for that, I need to trust.

What if, just for one weekend, I give this trust thing a shot?

These are a few of the things niggling at my brain... things that need to be done by Thursday evening:

• buy 2 boxes of passion tea from Starbucks (one for work and one for home/travel)
• return a library book that is due
• pick up a library hold that has arrived
• email A.
• call M.
• call J.
• laundry
• view house
• go to mom and dad's house to get bubble wrap
• lunch with C.
• slow down
• light a candle or two
• burn some incense
• breathe
• rest

I went to bed about an hour and half earlier than normal last night, because I was falling asleep on the couch, watching an episode of the West Wing on dvd. I thought perhaps going to bed early would allow me to catch up on the sleep I so rarely get. Nope. Woke up earlier, and more often. But, I am feeling slightly more rested than other days this week.

Just as a random thought, the flight I’m taking on Friday will be the first time I’ve ever flown domestically. I’ve flown internationally quite a number of times, but I’ve never made a domestic flight. How weird is that?

I’m wearing a sapphire in my nose today. Sparkly, rich, deep blue, whenever I care to glance down. I’m definitely liking the sapphire, though maybe not quite as much as I liked the emerald I wore yesterday.

My spine is really painful today. I feel a bit like a hunch-back. Like there’s a lump right in the middle of it, all twisted around, and it aches. I’ve tried stretching, and sitting differently, but so far, it’s not helping. I guess I’ll put a heat pack on it tonight when I get home and see if that does the trick.

I’m thinking about pine needles a lot lately. Finding little object lessons in them. I’ll write some of those down at some point.

I’m wearing knee-socks today. With my skirt. Can I just say that my outfit would be cuter without the knee socks? But, it’s not quite warm enough to just walk with bare legs, so I have knee socks on. Black ones, that are not obviously knee socks. They could, in fact, be tights. (But take my word for it – they’re not tights).

I have really yummy leftovers for lunch today. I brought them yesterday, but ended up skipping lunch because I was feeling far too ill to eat. So, today I’m eating strips of sirloin beef, cooked in a balsamic vinaigrette, and roasted herbed baby potatoes.

Things Making Me Smile

My baby brother, T.’s, facebook status last night read “T. is getting calluses again.” This is fantastic news. It means that he’s been able to begin playing his guitar again after nearly two years. It means that the last surgery, the one earlier this spring where they shortened one of the bones in his wrist, seems to have been successful.

On Friday a collection of 10 different nose studs that I ordered online arrived in the mail. I got a great deal on them, and I’m quite enjoying having a rainbow of colors at my easy disposal.

We are looking at a house that seems to be a good possibility for the three of us (and fits our varied criteria) tomorrow night.

It wasn’t raining for my commute in to work this morning, so I arrived warm and dry for a change.

I’m reading a quite fascinating book on the topic of treating addicts right now.

Because I’m taking a few days off of work to visit a dear friend, I only have today and tomorrow left in the office. AND, next week will also be a short week.

A much anticipated visit with a dear friend.

A breakfast date with my best friend M., on Friday morning.

Animal Crackers.

Fresh apricots.

Canned peaches.

My current purse, which is a canvas bag with an Andy Warhol print of a campbell’s soup can on the front of it. (A $5 purchase the last time I hung out with Rae).

Skirt weather. I love wearing skirts.

Water. I really love water. Drinking it. Being in it. Being near a body of it.

The overflow of company in our house ends at the end of this week. I’ve loved having people stay with us, but I’ll be glad when things quiet down a little, especially since we now need to start thinking about packing for our impending move. My roommate has promised me “no more company” for the remainder of June.

A quiet day at the office yesterday, with much time to think and pray.

Things to do at the office today and tomorrow, to make the last two days for the week go more quickly.

These articles caught my attention this morning...

Finding Freedom at Work

Food Summit Seeks "Green Revolution" for Africa

China Quake Parents Unbowed in Pressing Complaints

Parts of Indonesian Capital Swampted by Tidal Wave

Exhaustion is hanging quite heavily today.

Depression is once again crowding the edges of my mind, and I find myself one false step away from that descent back into the hopelessness I swore I would never descend into again.

Both the exhaustion and the threatening depression bring physical symptoms with them. Decreased appetite. Nausea. Headaches. Stiff and aching muscles.

I’m seriously considering looking for a new job. Just to get even one aspect of my life back into a rhythm instead of unpredictable chaos. I’m tired of my integrity and maturity being questioned because someone else is acting with limited integrity and maturity.

I don’t know how much fight I have left in me. I need Jesus to fight for me.

I’m trying to trust Him. I want to trust Him.

Trust is not one of my strong points. Trust seems easily betrayed. To trust wholly is to be exposed and open to pain.

I’m trying to trust Him.

Grey’s Anatomy (as usual) summed it up in lines that Meredith said to Derek at the end of the season finale a few weeks ago:

"I'm still mad at you! And I don't know if I trust you. I wanna trust you, but I don't know if I do, so I'm just gonna try. I'm gonna try and trust you because I believe that we can be extraordinary together, rather than ordinary apart."

I'm gonna try and trust Him.

Some headlines catching my eye today...

French Tribute to Wartime Doctor

China Warning to Olympic Visitors

Church Turns to UN over Zimbabwe

Colombian Mudslide Leaves 26 Dead

Christians Fined in Algeria Case

Lesotho Gardens Relieve Food Crisis

Another thought from Henri Nouwen

Jesus Is Persecuted

Jesus, the favorite Child of God, is persecuted. He who is poor, gentle, mourning; he who hungers and thirsts for uprightness; is merciful, pure of heart and a peacemaker is not welcome in this world. The Blessed One of God is a threat to the established order and a source of constant irritation to those who consider themselves the rulers of this world. Without his accusing anyone he is considered an accuser, without his condemning anyone he makes people feel guilty and ashamed, without his judging anyone those who see him feel judged. In their eyes, he cannot be tolerated and needs to be destroyed, because letting him be seems like a confession of guilt.

When we want to become like Jesus, we cannot expect always to be liked and admired. We have to be prepared to be rejected.

I have these moments where I spend most of an evening avoiding that which I desperately know that I need to do. Tonight was one of those moments.

I knew I needed to write. I knew I needed to pray. I was working at avoiding them both.

The restlessness became unbearable and I curled up in my chair with my journal.

I wrote.

I prayed.

And now, I'm hoping for some sleep.

From a Sojourners mailing list email I receive daily:

I sense that a new spirituality is being born in the church today, flowing from the wounded hearts of the weak and broken who are crying out for friendship. This friendship is also a source of healing for those who answer their cry.
- Jean Vanier Spiritual Journeys

Here are some of the things I would like to happen this week (not the things I know for sure are happening, but the ones I’d like to fit in):

I’d like to connect with my friend J, to spend some time praying together

I’d like to find a place to live after June 30th

I’d like to rest

I’d like to make decisions, or at least begin the process of making decisions about my work situation, and whether or not to begin studying for my master’s degree in the fall.

I’d like to spend at least an hour curled up in a nicely scented hot bath, and lose myself in a fictional world.

I’d like to buy an umbrella

I’d like to cook at least one fresh meal

I’d like to eat berries of some sort

I’d like the tears that just don’t fall to start falling

I’d like to share stories with another friend, just recently returned from Bosnia and Croatia

I’d like to sip tea

I’d like to start a piece of writing that’s been brewing in my head for the last week or so.

I’d like to start sorting out my books (they probably need to be pared down a bit before moving)

I’d like to go for a long walk (even if it’s raining) by myself in Fish Creek Park

So I’m sitting here at my desk again, sipping tea, like I do every morning, reflecting that the grey, rainy skies are matching my mental state quite nicely once again.

I’m asking myself the question “when is enough, enough?”

My work situation has been a disaster for months now. Ever since I returned from traveling back in February, really. The degree of “disaster” has varied. But overall, it’s been a disaster.

I’m tired. After a weekend of pondering (and trying to forget for a few hours) the latest in a long string of incidents, I find myself wondering if maybe it’s just time to move on?

Let me be clear. I love my boss. I love working for her. She’s the reason why, nearly two years into what was initially going to be a maximum one year “transition period” job, I’m still showing up at the office every morning. I love most of my coworkers, but there is one quite recent addition to the company who is just not a good fit in either our department or our company (in my opinion), and is consequently making my life and job far more difficult and miserable than they really need to be.

I’m not feeling malicious towards this person. At this point I’m not even angry anymore, I’m just tired of dealing with the situation. I’m tired of the pointed comments, and the petty rude emails. I’m tired of the fact that though our boss has intervened on several occasions, and is certainly aware of the situation, nothing seems to change.

I’m tired of having to double and triple think every word I say to this person, and every email I send, because I’ve been accused of “wanting payback”. I’m tired of having to defend my own integrity in the face of pettiness on the part of someone without a lot of integrity. I’m tired of being watched and accused and being told how I’m behaving.

Again, let me be clear. I haven’t been a saint. I have been angry. I have occasionally been rude, or simply chosen to ignore the existence of this person. But my genuine desire is to walk uprightly in the midst of even this most ridiculous and childish of situations. I’ve managed to keep the cutting personal remarks that would be so easy to stoop to making from spilling past my lips. I’m working on keeping them from forming in my mind at all. I’ve been deeply convicted by the passage where Jesus talks about “loving your enemies and praying for those who persecute you.” I will admit that at this point a growled “bless her, Lord” is all that I can generally manage in the midst of this situation. I will also admit to wondering if this "pray for those who persecute you" thing is going to kill me. But I'm trying, with Jesus' help I'm really trying.

And so this morning, after a weekend of pondering an accusation of rudeness and an attempt at payback in what I thought was a very professional (if short) email, I’m just tired, and I’m asking, “When is enough, enough?” Maybe it’s time to move on? To cut my daily commute in half by working downtown. To make a salary that is somewhat significantly larger than my current salary, because I’ve been willing to be a bit underpaid to enjoy my place of employment.

When is enough, enough?

It's Sunday morning again, and as per usual, I didn't get enough sleep last night. But here's the thing - it's only partially the fault of my whacked out brain this time. Seems our neighbors decided to have a campfire, complete with beer, talking loudly, and lots of swearing. Seems they felt 11pm would be a good time to commence having such an activity, only 4 feet or so from my bedroom window. Seems they felt it would be good to carry on with said activity until at least 2 am. So I didn't get quite enough sleep.

It's a new day. I like new days. To paraphrase Anne of Green Gables they "don't have any mistakes in them yet."

It's a new week. I like weeks like this upcoming one, which is going to be a short work week for me.

It's a new month. June will be a busy month. Trying to find a place to live. Getting ready to move. Seeing various friends.

I'm starting a new journal today. I like the possibilities of new journals. I've never filled a journal of the size I generally buy as quickly as I filled the one I finished off last night. Just under 3 months. Usually I use the same journal for 1-3 years. I've developed a habit of writing something, anything, in there at least once a day. I need to come up with a quote to begin my new journal. I always start them with a quote that has struck me and kept coming back over a season, to kind of set the tone for the next season. I think I know what quote I'm going to use, but I'll have to let you know on that!

Okay... time to get moving... style the hair I just washed, find clothing, look over my sunday school lessons one more time, maybe even find some breakfast.

Happy "New" things day!