Daily 5 - Day 80

Today's Daily 5:

1. I'm thankful for fruit salad, made from fresh farmer's market fruit. Blackberries, strawberries, raspberries, nectarines and two kinds of apples. A huge bowl, so that I can just pop it in a container and munch on it all week.
2. I'm thankful that the mall was not nearly as overrun with halloween partiers as I expected. 'twas a pleasant relief after the many gross costumes and decorations at the farmers market.
3. I enjoyed a short nap this afternoon - much needed relief after a very draining day yesterday.
4. I'm thankful that it wasn't snowing or cold today as it so often is at this time of year.
5. I'm thankful for the feeling of hunger tonight. I still, after six months of very deliberately forcing some health issues and eating at least three meals a day, rarely feel hungry. I mostly eat because my watch tells me that it is time for the next meal, and the next set of supplements. The moments when I'm really feeling hungry, I tend to indulge with tasty treats. Tonight that included "pillow squares" - a favorite baked square that has these little "pillows" of lovely tasting dough baked on the tops of them... My mom made some and sent a few home with me, and oh, they're yummy.
   

Re-formation day

I love the name of the church holiday celebrated today. Reformation Day.

I'm not a huge fan of the schism that the events marked by Reformation Day created, but I love the idea of reformation. Of being re-formed.

I love that it comes the day before an anniversary I celebrate each year. (I'll talk more about that tomorrow.)

But today, I mostly love the idea of a do-over that being re-formed offers.

That fresh start. I love that offering of newness. I'm desperately hungry for it today.

And so today I'm thankful for that... for hundreds of years of chances to re-form, for a day dedicated to remembering that, for a Jesus who offered new life and fresh starts... for a God who compared himself to a potter, molding us into vessels for his use. And today I'm grateful for that mental image of malleable clay, being reshaped into something beautiful. And I pray for that for my life.

Daily 5 - Day 79

It seems particularly important, tonight, to do the daily 5. The day has definitely been remarkably challenging, and I want to stop and find at least 5 (maybe I'll feel inspired and add a few bonus ones today) things that made me smile, or that I'm really grateful for.

1. I'm grateful for friends who speak truth. Even when the conversations are stilted and it seems I'm not hearing and my heart seems (or is) numb. Your words come out in my daily conversation and in my thoughts and journal in very unexpected ways.
2. I'm grateful for an entirely "random" blog connection that let me hear this song for the first time ever earlier tonight. I can't even begin to describe how it touched my heart, and let me feel that Jesus really does see me, even in the midst of this incredibly painful space. How three different things on a variety of blogs that I either rarely read or had never read before is letting me really believe that Jesus sees me, and knows my heart and needs. And how it brought encouragement in a space where I'd basically lost hope. And I think I'm grateful that Jesus (who I know wants me to find affirmation in him) is also patient and gracious in sending me connections like the ones I experienced tonight as assurances of his love when I feel so humanly alone and scared.
   
3. I'm grateful for my mom, who listened to about two words of my voice on the phone and then told me that she was coming over. I'm grateful for the prayers and ministry I received six months ago or so on the other side of the country for healing in that relationship, and for the tiny, tentative steps of healing and restoration are there. I'm grateful that we were able to have a conversation where (though I had to work hard for it) I didn't walk away feeling judged and like a failure. That I was able to share even some things that are embarrassing and that I knew she wouldn't approve of, and I was still able to walk away feeling loved. And I'm grateful that just a tiny lit bit, I was able to relax and receive a hug from her, instead of feeling tense and awkward.
4. I'm thankful that even though I'm struggling with what my doctor suggested today, and have decided to try one more somewhat more natural health alternative before going the route she recommended, that I live someplace where I can access medical care when I need it. I was remembering tonight the tiny three year old daughter of some family friends, who died of malaria a few years back simply because they weren't able to get her appropriate treatment in time.
5. I'm grateful for the book I'm reading right now, that is challenging me this week to live a better story with my life. Even when right now the decisions that will make for a better story are pretty hard and ugly. And even when right now the way seems painful. I'm grateful for the reminder that the best stories come from the transition from that painful place into new life - into being alive again. (And I'm thankful for the friend who sent me this song today, with the note that she was praying for me to feel "alive again.")
6. I'm thankful for comfort food for dinner. I didn't really have celebratory food like I was planning this morning. I had chicken fingers and french fries. And quite enjoyed them actually.
7. I'm thankful for a budget that seems like it will be workable.
8. I'm thankful to have a few plans for tomorrow that don't involve Halloween, and for the reminder from a couple different sources tonight not to fear the darkness.
9. I'm thankful that even though the doctor's appointment wasn't what I'd hoped or expected, that I was able to push through all the panic and still get myself there. Not so long ago that definitely wouldn't have happened, or I would have made it there and not been honest and discussed what actually needed to be discussed.
10. I'm thankful for the words of a friend the other day some approximation of which are echoing in my head, reminding me that Jesus loves me, that he died for me, and that I can just get over myself and believe that and love me too. That if he loves me, than I'm certainly worthy of love, and I can just get over the lie that says that I'm unworthy of any love, even my own
    

I'm Going to Be Her Again

I've written about twirling before. Here and here.

It holds a certain promise of freedom for me. These days I twirl occasionally... it's actually begun to happen, but it rarely happens unembarrassed and unencumbered, and in any sort of location where it can be witnessed.

The photo above is sort of an exception. In a public park, with two friends watching, I spun, because I was joyful and peaceful and free, and it just bubbled out of me.

A lot has happened in the two weeks or so since that photo was taken. A lot of hard internal stuff, and I've stared at that picture a lot, treasuring the memory, and wishing I was still in that space.

Today didn't go as planned. I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do about a number of things. I'm disappointed in some ways, and hurting.

But just now I decided that whatever it takes, I'm going to be that girl in the picture again. I'm going to inhabit her skin permanently. I'm going to live unencumbered.

I have a sneaking suspicion it won't be an easy or pleasant process. I'm guessing it's probably going to be pretty ugly and painful and hard. And I'm pretty terrified of that quite frankly.

But I like her. And I don't often say that about anything to do with myself. So I'll do whatever it takes to live in her skin, in MY skin, permanently.

Keep Breathing...

The song is "Keep Breathing" by Ingrid Michaelson.

And tonight the words fit...

All that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing... now...

Reminding myself to breathe

I'm very tired this morning, and very close to tears again.

Any of you who've read my blog for long will know that I struggle with fear. The fears (mostly irrational) are strong this morning, and I am pushing panic back as much as I can.

I didn't sleep well last night. Not unusual really, just odd. A conglomeration of dreams, and over-processing conversations, and my pre-exisiting general inability to sleep well.

I'm nervous about a doctor's appointment this afternoon. I actually don't mind going to the doctor as a general rule, when it's just getting poked and prodded and declared healthy for one more year. But seeing my doctor (basically a stranger) to discuss a number of very challenging physical and emotional issues that feel immensely personal in nature is not something I'm looking forward to. (Though I am hoping that we can come up with a plan for me to be well again.) It's not helping my panic levels at the moment that my doctor's practice is actually composed of four doctors who share the practice, and I have no idea who I'm going to see this afternoon.

And, I'm feeling pretty exposed. I shared some the post I wrote last night about being judgmental in a larger, more public forum as well, and I don't like the feeling that comes with having my heart and thoughts on display where certain people can read them.

So, I'm going to get through this morning. And then I'll deal with the doctors appointment.

And I'm going to be grateful that tonight is a night just for me. That my roommate is out. That I can have the house to myself for a while. I'll light candles, and paint my nails. I'm going to treat myself to some sort of take out or nicely home cooked meal (can't figure out yet what I want to eat). And then I'm going to rest. Or at least that's the plan.

I'm not going to think about tomorrow being halloween, and how all of the places I'd normally go to rest and recharge on the weekend will be filled with people "celebrating". I'm not going to think about any of those things. I'm going to get through the morning at work, and then the doctor, and then I'm going to rest.

I'm reminding myself to breathe this morning. And praying it helps.

Daily 5 - Day 78

Today's Daily 5:

1. Some thoughts coming together to form words
2. farmer sausage and roasted baby potatoes for supper
3. Fun dialogue over photos from my trip
4. eating a ripe mango as a snack
5. listening to Rob Bell preach (via my ipod) on "Blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness"
   

Surrender, freedom, hatred and judgement

I'm a judgmental person.

That's a happy way to start a blog post, isn't it?

The truth is, if you know me well, that statement was kind of a "what else is new" thing for you to read, and you're probably already losing interest in this post. Stay with me if you can. This time I think I'm actually going somewhere.

I've been thinking a lot about being judgmental this week. Partly because at times that judgmental nature has a tendency to spiral into hatred - especially when someone I love is being hurt. I've spent a lot of time recognizing this tendency in myself, feeling disappointed by it, and frustrated at it, but also sort of helpless, wondering how on earth one changes something that seems so core to oneself.

I love deeply and (try to) love generously. I'm at moments guarded with my heart - like most of the planet I've been hurt often enough to be tentative in offering the whole of myself to others. But, I will watch you closely. If your words don't line up with your life, I'm going to notice. If you're cruel, I'll notice. If you're harsh with your words, I'll see that too. And I have a huge distaste for hypocrites. Given long enough, I will most likely write you off as someone for whom it is impossible for change to occur.

I'm learning, though, that those things in others that so anger me, that draw out that tendency to judge, are often mirrored in various ways in my own life. That that cruel thing that makes me want to react out of anger and hatred towards someone else hits a nerve, because while I perhaps haven't been vocal about it, I'm had equally cruel thoughts. I'm learning that I can't play holier than thou. That sin and rebellion is still sin and rebellion whether it's overtly acted out or carefully hidden within the depths of oneself.

I've been thinking, too, about surrender and freedom. I've written about it several times before. You can find those thoughts here and here, and the most recent ones here.

In 2008, when I first wrote of surrender, I penned the following in my journal (appearing later on the blog in the first post linked above): "Surrender, I’m discovering is not an easy or painless thing. It is rarely bloodless or tidy. It is the thing that comes after the battle, when the losing side is too weak to carry on, and the cost in lives would be too high to let the battle carry on. It is not a place of negotiation. You can ask for the conditions you desire, but you ask from a position of weakness. You’ve lost, and the victor holds the power in the negotiation."

A few weeks ago I wrote this: "Surrender is never easy. That letting go of my rights in favor of something bigger."

I've been thinking a lot about surrender this week. About, to quote DC Talk, "learning to give up the rights to myself; the bits and the pieces I've gathered as wealth." I've pondered the times I've truly managed, even if just for a moment, to surrender, and the relief and freedom that was there, and I've questioned why it is that that freedom has so often seemed fleeting and the struggles have so often seemed to multiply in the wake of those fleeting moments of freedom and surrender.

And as I prayed and pondered, the following scripture came to mind:

"When an evil spirit leaves a person, it goes into the desert, searching for rest. But when it finds none, it says, 'I will return to the person I came from.' So it returns and finds that its former home is all swept and in order. Then the spirit finds seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they all enter the person and live there. And so that person is worse off than before." (Luke 11:24-26, NLT)

Questions began echoing in my mind, "With what do I fill the free space brought by surrender? Am I intentional in replacing that space with things that glorify God, or do I simply rejoice in a space swept clean, and leave my heart open for greater oppression?"

(I need to pause, here, for just a second, and say that I really believe that sometimes surrender and freedom simply come and last. That we make that choice of surrender, and it is truly freeing. I have simply had a week of the growing conviction that the choices of surrender I've made have at times been less than wholehearted, and that I've invited a multiplication of misery upon myself in some of those moments of revoking surrender.)

Two other passages of scripture have been echoing through my thoughts this week as well. The story that speaks of Moses' face glowing so brightly after the time he spent with God that the Israelites were afraid, and it was necessary for Moses to wear a veil. And, the passage in 2 Corinthians that reads: "Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold. We are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face to keep the Israelites from gazing at it while the radiance was fading away...But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." (2 Corinthians 3:12-13, 16-18, NIV)

These two were certainly passages that seem on a totally different topic than dealing with a need to surrender my right to judge, and with the multiplication of misery at the fail to surrender. And yet, they popped up everywhere I went.

Are you asking yet how I'm going to tie this rather long-winded treatise together? I have a point, I promise!

I woke this morning into the sort of stunned space that follows certain unusual nights in my life.

It was a night where I'm really not certain whether I was awake or asleep. I just know that I watched some rather profound things play out in front of me. That I was relatively conscious of laying in my bed, but that I was transported elsewhere as I lay there.

In this case, some of the details are foggy. Mostly, I saw people. One or two I recognized; most I did not, as they were silhouetted. All were surrounded by a beautiful light. Lovely and golden. An almost internal glow.

As I woke and drove to work, the passage from 2 Corinthians came to mind, and I felt as if Jesus was reminding me that each of these people, whether I knew them or not, were displaying his glory, unveiled.

I wish I could tell you that some of the faces I recognized in the dream were those towards whom I've struggled with hatred and judgmental thoughts. The reality is that that is just not true. The few I recognized were people I love deeply.

And yet, as I pondered that sight all day, all those silhouettes of God's glory, I couldn't help but be reminded that it is simply not my right to judge. That each person, whether I happen to consider them cruel and hypocritical or not, is made in the image of God, and that I need to lay down that rebellious hold I've had on judgment. That I need to be willing to release that hatred. And, that perhaps, if in an odd dream like experience, God can for a few moments give me new eyes that see his glory, maybe he can do that in my day to day life as well - reveal his glory in those I'm so tempted to judge and to hate.

And that, tonight, is my prayer. That the view of his glory within each person, his love for each person, would so overwhelm my eyesight that I have no choice but to fall to my knees in confession and surrender. A surrender that is whole-hearted and not simply making space for further misery. I'm not there yet, but I'm taking steps in that direction. And I pray that those steps will grow.

Mental Clarity?

I read yesterday that your brain continues growing until you are 26 years old. I'm 26 years old.

When I read that, all I could think was, "oh dear, I've lost two years of brain growth to stress and illness." Because I can tell you with certainty that my memory and thought clarity have been degraded over these last two years of stressful moments.

These days I write everything down. If you need me to do something, and I don't put it in writing, it's quite possible it won't get done. If someone asks me to do something at work, and I'm not at my desk to write it down, I ask them to send me an email reminding me of whatever it is that they need done.

My memory issues came home in a truly amusing way this morning as I was getting ready for work. I found myself staring at my closet, thinking about the outfit that I'd like to wear that day, and realizing that though I thought I might have worn it quite once this week, I really had no idea. I had no idea what clothes I'd worn this week, except for the ones I'd worn yesterday. I ended up picking out a rarely worn outfit, because it was the only one where I could be absolutely certain that I hadn't worn it at all this week!

Here's hoping the mental clarity and memory can be restored as I continue to move towards a place of managing the stress and health issues with greater deftness, and bringing them under control or turning them over to Jesus.

Daily 5 - Day 77

Today's Daily 5:

1. Happy memories sorting through photos from my trip, and a heart revisiting some really special and joyful moments
2. Edo Japan takeout for lunch... was so tasty...
3. A very smooth (for me anyway) grocery shopping trip
4. A bit of time to read
5. clean drinking water - today I'm thankful for that.
   

Holiday Photos...

I spent the last weekend of my recent holiday with a very dear friend. The sort of friend that is really more heart family than anything else. For those few days, even amidst some challenging conversations, my heart was at rest, joyful, peaceful, and even playful. Not many people could bring that out in me, but she did.

I've made a slideshow of a few of my favorite images from that weekend. Twirling, playing, and just generally being together. Unfortunately I wasn't able to upload the higher quality images for the slideshow, so they're slightly blurry, but happy memories none the less. (And let me tell you, it's been nice to revisit those memories within my heart this week.)



If you want to see more photos from the trip, check out the following albums on facebook:

Fall in Ontario
Toronto Part 1
Toronto Part 2
Niagara Falls and Niagara on the Lake
The Last Weekend (This one has the less blurry versions of the slideshow images as well)

Oh, and leave me a comment or two if you click through to the photos. I love comments!

A few from Henri...

A few thoughts from Henri Nouwen on church and leadership, and wounding because of church. Rather challenging thoughts to me in the midst of this week.

Forgiving the Church

When we have been wounded by the Church, our temptation is to reject it. But when we reject the Church it becomes very hard for us to keep in touch with the living Christ. When we say, "I love Jesus, but I hate the Church," we end up losing not only the Church but Jesus too. The challenge is to forgive the Church. This challenge is especially great because the Church seldom asks us for forgiveness, at least not officially. But the Church as an often fallible human organization needs our forgiveness, while the Church as the living Christ among us continues to offer us forgiveness.

It is important to think about the Church not as "over there" but as a community of struggling, weak people of whom we are part and in whom we meet our Lord and Redeemer.

Our Spiritual Leaders

The Church as the body of Christ has many faces. The Church prays and worships. It speaks words of instruction and healing, cleanses us from our sins, invites us to the table of the Lord, binds us together in a covenant of love, sends us out to minister, anoints us when we are sick or dying, and accompanies us in our search for meaning and our daily need for support. All these faces might not come to us from those we look up to as our leaders. But when we live our lives with a simple trust that Jesus comes to us in our Church, we will see the Church's ministry in places and in faces where we least expect it.

If we truly love Jesus, Jesus will send us the people to give us what we most need. And they are our spiritual leaders.

Morning Again.

So, it's Wednesday. I'm over halfway through the work week since I'm only working a half day on Friday.

I'm still feeling like life is pretty tenuous and rough.

Our receptionist told me this morning that I looked peaceful and relaxed today. And then she knew enough to ask "Are you feeling that way?" The answer is no. But I'm glad I'm at least looking a little better.

Another coworker asked how I was doing. (She was one of the ones who asked a really basic question Monday morning that led to a teary meltdown, and has been checking in on me daily since then.) She wanted to know if I was better or worse. "About the same as yesterday," was my reply. And then we laughed, because, as I pointed out, yesterday was better than Monday. On Monday I was in tears three times before nine am.

This week, leading up to the anniversary I'm acknowledging (and maybe even celebrating) on Sunday, is traditionally hard. It's complicated this year by a number of other factors.

It also never helps that it is the week that leads up to Halloween. I am incredibly sensitive to the spiritual realm, and halloween is not a good thing for someone like that. On Saturday I'll likely be holed up at home, safely tucked away from all that activity.

It's morning again. I'm pondering thoughts surrounding freedom and surrender, and a parable Jesus told. I'm hoping to write some of those thoughts out later, but tonight seems already full with cooking and then the much "loved" trip to the soul-sucking mega store for our weekly grocery purchases.

I'm sipping tea, and wearing a scarf - both feeble attempts at prayer, but ones that I can manage today.

A dear friend succeeded in making me laugh last night when she told me something along the lines of, "You don't need a reason to celebrate. Celebrate every day. Jesus loves you, and he died for you. So snap out of it." (She said it with much love, and while we were chatting online and not with voices, I could "hear" the quirky tone in her voice, and couldn't help but chuckle. I let her know that I was pondering that, and that she'd made me laugh - no small feat at the moment!)

And with that, I need to focus on work for a bit.

Daily 5 - Day 76

Today's Daily 5:

1. A better day than yesterday
2. getting the time I need for my doctor's appointment on Friday off work without any trouble
3. sorting through photos from my trip
4. maybe finally having the problems with my utility company sorted out
5. simple leftovers of a hamburger for dinner
   

I Loved This...

For a wide variety of reasons, it's been almost a year since I've read a novel. Partly because I needed to fast from the escapist tendencies I was using fiction for, and partly for a number of other reasons. But, if/when Claudia Mair Burney releases a new novel, I'll likely break that fast and read it. (Her book, Wounded, was the last novel I read, late last fall, and I loved it, and was profoundly touched by it, like every other one of her novels that I've read.)

In any case, I follow her blog, Ragamuffin Diva, and I loved the most recent post there, The Canticle of the Lamb. It spoke to some of the raw and wounded bits of my heart this morning, and brought just that touch of hope that was badly needed.

Tuesday. Start Again.

I'm feeling minutely restored over yesterday.

An afternoon of sleeping, and a night where I was in bed relatively early (for me anyway) helped a bit.

Focusing on other things is helping too, I guess.

There are big things going on around me and in me, and, to be honest, I'm not quite sure that I know what to do with any of it, and I definitely haven't been coping well.

I'm seeing my doctor later this week to discuss a number of concerns, among them my sleeping issues. I'm expecting to get lectured, because, while the sleep problems have definitely become more of an issue in the last two years, I've been dealing with them for probably about 15 years, quietly, without ever mentioning them, since they were usually sporadic and relatively manageable. I'm also expecting an argument about sleeping meds, since at the moment I'm taking a natural supplement that seems to be allowing me to sleep in increasing amounts, and I'm not crazy about the addictive qualities of prescription sleeping meds.

Sleep is only one of several issues I'll be chatting with my doctor about, in the hopes that if I can deal with some of the physical health issues, I'll be better equipped and have the energy to deal with the emotional and spiritual issues.

So. It's Tuesday. And I'm starting again. Let's just call yesterday a false start to the week.

Today is going better, if for no other reason than I wasn't in tears three times before 10:30 a.m.

I had a cup of passion tea this morning.

I don't have to cook dinner tonight.

I'm considering the purchase of U2 tickets for next summer, to fulfill an item on my "things to do before I die" list.

All of these are smile list type items today.

Some of them are a little bit weak and pathetic, but hey, when joy is hard to come by, I'm going to take it even in weak and pathetic doses.

And be thankful for starting over. I needed that today.

Daily 5 - Day 75

Today's Daily 5:

1. Hamburgers for supper
2. Getting enough done this morning at work that it was a feasible possibility for me to come home sick this afternoon
3. Sorting pictures from my trip, and smiling at some of the memories
4. The lyrics to the U2 song "Until the End of the World" (which caught at me deeply when I watched the live concert last night on youtube.
5. Bed earlyish tonight. Much needed.
   

Struggling

I'm not sure what to say right now.

I came home from work at noon, made a few essential phone calls, and went to bed.

I don't have the flu or a cold, but I'm so completely emotionally and spiritually exhausted that I decided to call it a day.

I cried twice in the first half-hour of the day. All it took was for someone to ask me how my weekend was. (For the record, it wasn't bad, though quite hard at moments.)

Several people took one look at me and asked if I was okay.

The answer right now is no.

I'm wrestling with some very large issues, and some very loud voices.

The tears and throbbing pain have numbed a bit just at the moment, but I have no doubt they'll surface hugely again.

I need to make some decisions, but I have no idea how to attempt that. I'm actually scared to do that from this emotional space where I'm not able to process or think clearly.

I'm also staring an anniversary in the face this week. An anniversary that is usually full of hope. I'm not really sure what it holds this year, and in some ways I'm asking if there is anything left to celebrate. And that, my friends, is the most discouraging thought I've faced in the last four years.

I've been trying very hard to hold life together, and it's not working right now. Trying so hard to find the joy and the positives, to change entrenched patterns of thought. And I've had a few successes, but it's exhausting and seems larger than life, and nearly hopeless.

So, I'm going to sit, and cry if the tears will flow, and try to pray. And work to trust that Jesus sees and hears and holds me in this space, and not just in the joyful ones where I am able to perfectly fall in line with his voice.

Daily 5 - Day 74

So, I got rather involved in a very long conversation with a dear friend last night, and totally forgot to make the daily 5 list for yesterday. But, here it is!

1. The internet in our house being fixed
2. a ham and swiss croissant for breakfast
3. a long conversation with a dear friend
4. watching U2 play a concert in LA live on youtube
5. a steak sandwich for supper after a late afternoon fall drive to Banff (I'm craving red meat again these days)

Functional Internet

I spent an hour with the Telus technician this morning, and we seem to have functional internet in our home again.

Turns out their modems don't always pick up a Mac computer. Not good. He said he sees more Macs than PCs in homes these days. He eventually called a tech support line and they were able to give him the fix. Turns out it was quite simple, and he was rather annoyed that they hadn't updated their technicians that this problem occurs and that it is a simple fix. Figures.

But, for those of you I owe an email to, it's still going to be a while in coming. I'm heading to the mountains for a couple hours instead of catching up on email. It's a rare, fairly warm and sunny late fall day, and I think I'm going to go take advantage of it for a while. Catch up emails can wait another while... sunny days not so much at this time of year!

Daily 5 - Day 73

I'm borrowing the internet at my parent's home again, and writing the daily 5 a bit early.

Today's Daily 5:

1. Finding a book I really wanted to read at a bookstore I hadn't thought of to look for it in.
2. An oddly profound moment with God at the conference I attended
3. Giggles (silently) at a totally inappropriate for the world, but so appropriate for me moment.
4. Plans for a lovely dessert and some ice wine while curled up with my new book later.
5. Hanging out with my mom and aunt for a bit, helping to move stuff back into my mom's newly renovated kitchen.

Daily 5 - Day 72

Today's Daily 5:

1. Getting the time I've been wanting to read a book I purchased earlier this week in a round-about way this morning. I spent three hours standing at a copier in Staples running off a job for work that we couldn't print in house or outsource. Not much to do except make sure the copier was running smoothly, and read. So I did.
2. wearing jeans to work
3. having themes from the week confirmed at the conference I'm attending
4. "Unveiled faces"
5. Listening to "Getting Ready for Glory" and "Subtle Shiver" by Steve Bell in the car this morning

Internet Down

I've had kind of a rough night.

I'm at my parent's house, borrowing their internet. My internet at home is down. AGAIN. And this time I'm likely going to miss a free cooking class on Sunday that I registered for months ago in order to be home for the technician to come. But, more internet for the rest of the week (since it's my major means of communicating with a lot of people very dear to me) trumps cooking class.

The conference I'm attending hit hard on some of the raw spots in my life right now, and I'm reeling a bit, feeling exhausted.

Because the internet is down, it's going to be quiet here until at least Sunday.

If you're the praying sort, I'd appreciate your prayers as I continue to listen for Jesus through the remainder of the conference tomorrow, and as I head through the rest of the weekend.

A Lovely Prayer

Just at this moment I'm feeling exhausted. Not defeated, exactly, but spent. Working not to dread the draws on my energy that remain ahead of me. Trying to aim for rest and joy and peace.

I read this prayer on the calendar that sits on my desk (a gift from a dear friend that somehow manages to nearly daily challenge or encourage me), and just for a moment, my spirit cried out in agreement:

O my God, fill my soul with holy joy, courage, and strength to serve you. Enkindle your love in me, and then walk with me along the next stretch of road before me. I do not see very far ahead, but when I have arrived where the horizon now closes down, a new prospect will open before me, and I shall meet with peace.
(Saint Teresa Benedicta of the Cross - Edith Stein)

Not quite ready to share...

I started writing a long post this morning on the topics of self-love and rest.

I'll probably finish it eventually, but I'm feeling pretty raw in those areas this week and needing perhaps process for a while longer, alone and with a few dear friends, so I'm going to leave it for now.

This has been a week that has in many ways highlighted failures in some key things in my life right now. I don't think that has been a bad thing - I'm certainly very aware of the areas that are needing my attention in the coming days. But it is a tiring thing, and for me, a constant battle to balance the conviction from God that those things have carried, with the self-condemnation not from God that they have also stirred.

I received a phone call last night from a long time friend that may carry some interesting consequences as well. Perhaps some tiny chance at healing and forgiveness and reconciliation regarding a situation we were both part of at a home church we attended quite a number of years back. I pray there is healing and release for us as things play out, whether or not they also carry reconciliation.

I am attending a prayer conference tonight and all day tomorrow, and right now that is feeling like a colossal risk. I registered on a whim when it was mentioned one night at the church I've been sort of kind of attending for a while now. I knew of the speaker, had heard glowing recommendations of his work from some trusted friends, and felt the prompting to register. Right in this moment, that is scary to me. After this week I'm feeling the need to meet with Jesus deeply, and I believe this conference offers the potential for that. But I'm also afraid - afraid that he won't show up, afraid that he will.

If you're the praying type, I'd appreciate your prayers. This has been a very hard week. Not bad, but hard. Many things coming home deeply to me. And the need to find a way forward amidst that.

Daily 5 - Day 71

In some ways, I'm trying to choose moments to see differently (more joyfully) from all different parts of my day. It would usually be easy (depending a little on the evening) to choose 5 moments from the time after I leave the office each day. Those are usually the best moments of my day. But in this continual push to change ingrained mindsets and patterns of thought, I am trying to find moments to be thankful for even amidst the things I struggle with. I think that makes my daily 5 lists a bit schizophrenic in nature at moments, scattered, even, but it's rather important to me that I find ways to work on seeing differently, and that means the hard stuff, not just the pretty moments.

Today's Daily 5:

1. Feeling, if not at rest, at least relatively calm amidst a huge number of major issues at work today
2. Feeling like I was pretty as I dressed for and went to the concert I worked at/attended tonight
3. Wearing dove earrings
4. Steve Bell in concert - always worth it (plus, fun to catch up with some friends I don't see often, laugh a little, and even collect a few hugs)
   
5. being respected by a friend, who called to ask my permission to share bits of my story in the midst of a challenging situation, and to refer the person to whom he was speaking to me if they wanted further details.
   

Not Really Looking Up

I'm supposed to be learning lessons about resting this week. (More thoughts about that some other time.) My facebook status this morning said something to the effect of "Lisa is going to give the resting thing another try today." It's not going particularly well.

The work challenges I mentioned this morning have gotten larger.

We discovered an error in a major document printing (on our part instead of the printing company, making us responsible) this afternoon. So, I spent an hour meeting with the lady responsible for the document, and my boss, to come up with a solution that costs the least and was approved. The solution means I'll be spending a large chunk of tomorrow morning standing in front of a photocopier at Staples.

It's been a day of a thousand little things. I've been in meetings, and solving problems quite unexpectedly for the entire day. And tomorrow isn't looking better. But at least tomorrow I get to wear jeans to do it. Problems are so much more manageable in jeans.

I am, however, thankfully peaceful in the midst of the crazyness today. Or at least relatively calm. That perhaps, is a small step towards being at rest?

I read this article last night on the effects of insomnia on memory. As someone who's had chronic trouble sleeping for the last 15 years, but has seen it become an increasing challenge in the last two years, I had to laugh. Most days I cope relatively well, but in the last two years I've definitely noticed a decline in my ability to recall details and things I used to be able to remember. I write everything down these days, because if I don't I forget important things. As I said, most days I manage quite well. Today has not been one of those days. I just feel cloudy. The funniest part is, I slept relatively well (for me anyway) last night!

So, I'm going to simply choose to be glad that this insane day is nearly over. And I'm going to enjoy that tonight I'm working at a Steve Bell concert, and will get to enjoy lovely stories and music. That, at least, should be restful and worshipful.

It'll be our fault...

I'm having quite the morning at the office.

Seems it was a quiet week and a half while I was away, and they've saved the last minute drama and tensions for my return.

So. I've spent the morning sorting out strategies to minimize fault.

Because, you see, there is one manager in particular who is unable to admit failings, and invariably finds ways to make things that rest squarely in his court the fault of other departments. Particularly my department.

So, between some of his staff, my boss, and our receptionist and I, we're working on a way to minimize the ways he can find to blame us.

Did I mention how much fun I've been having?

Daily 5 - Day 70

Image by Denis Collette...!!! via Flickr

Today's Daily 5 (and a picture, just because I loved it - I'd totally sit in a spot like that to read):

1. A mug of lemon mango tea
2. The scent of candles and scented oil burning in my bedroom
3. Accomplishing a whole number of little things that have now restored my bedroom to a sort of peaceful refuge (and cleared my sitting, thinking, praying, reading chair for the first time in months - essential, since I'm hoping to spend more time reading in the next while.)
4. Time spent on self-care and pampering - face mask, fingernails, and toenails
5. Crawling into a bed with freshly washed sheets, wearing clean, fresh smelling pajamas
   

A Couple More From Henri on Church

Continuing with a few of the thoughts from Henri Nouwen that I posted yesterday on church, here are a few more...

Superabundant Grace

Over the centuries the Church has done enough to make any critical person want to leave it. Its history of violent crusades, pogroms, power struggles, oppression, excommunications, executions, manipulation of people and ideas, and constantly recurring divisions is there for everyone to see and be appalled by.

Can we believe that this is the same Church that carries in its center the Word of God and the sacraments of God's healing love? Can we trust that in the midst of all its human brokenness the Church presents the broken body of Christ to the world as food for eternal life? Can we acknowledge that where sin is abundant grace is superabundant, and that where promises are broken over and again God's promise stands unshaken? To believe is to answer yes to these questions.

The Church, God's People

As Jesus was one human person among many, the Church is one organization among many. And just as there may have been people with more attractive appearances than Jesus, there may be many organizations that are a lot better run than the Church. But Jesus is the Christ appearing among us to reveal God's love, and the Church is his people called together to make his presence visible in today's world.

Would we have recognized Jesus as the Christ if we had met him many years ago? Are we able to recognize him today in his body, the Church? We are asked to make a leap of faith. If we dare to do it our eyes will be opened and we will see the glory of God.

It Costs the Least?

Every so often Drew writes a post that hits hard between the eyes.

After a weekend of conversations about forgiveness, hatred, and loving people in the context of some difficult circumstances I've existed in for the last two years, this post was one of those that hit hard today. Because my heart has certainly been asking the question of how to engage in that loving forgiveness in the way that costs me the least. And then I think of Jesus, hanging on a cross and strong conviction settles within me... maybe what hurts me least is not the right way...

Thoughts to ponder on this cold and foggy day...

Daily 5 - Day 69

Today's Daily 5:

1. Managing to sleep a bit last night
2. Getting mostly unpacked and even some of the laundry done quite quickly
3. A relatively smooth return to the office
4. An uneventful grocery shopping trip
5. a handful of peanut m&m's
   

Daily 5 - Days 59 - 68

As promised, I am updating the daily 5 lists that I kept in my journal while I was away. I think there was one day that I missed. I'm hoping to write some about the trip, and maybe even upload a few pictures in the next little while, but as I mentioned this morning, this week is incredibly busy and I'm not certain quite when I'll carve out the time to do that.

October 9 - Day 59

1. A flight without the illness and panic that has accompanied so much of my travel the last two years
2. Hugs from A.
3. Finally on vacation
4. Working on memory verses (if not making much progress) on the flight
5. Plans coming together for a great holiday

October 10 - Day 60

1. Standing on the highest observation deck in the world at the CN Tower
2. A quick early morning walk to the library with A.
3. The name of the subway station we'll be using all week being St. Clare West
4. Sleeping (sort of well) last night
5. Laughter and hugs from friends

October 11 - Day 61

1. Buying a cute sweater at Kensington Market
2. Visiting Casa Loma
3. Random adventure in eating Peruvian food for dinner
4. So much laughter with friends
5. Being calm and peaceful and joyful in the midst of a slightly trying adventure in being locked out of the apartment

October 12 - Day 62

1. A hug from S.
2. A beautiful day celebrating Thanksgiving with friends
3. Learning a bit of Spanish from Alex
4. Laughing and being with people I love
5. Fall colors everywhere as we drove.

October 13 - Day 63

1. Seeing the Dead Sea Scrolls on display at the Royal Ontario Museum
2. The Ten Commandments scroll being on display the one week we were in Toronto
3. Dinner and a long chat with A. while L. was at dinner with a friend from New Zealand
4. A simple supper (and late night snack!) of chicken cesar salad
5. Being with friends like A. where pretending and being guarded isn't necessary

October 14 - Day 64

1. Prayer time together with A. and B.
2. The lavender shop in the Distillery district - it smelled so lovely... and buying sachets to bring home.
3. Sharing meals together with friends
4. Walking through some older neighborhoods - Cabbagetown, the Danforth (Greek Town), and the U of T Campus
5. The blessing of good weather, if a bit cool, all week

October 15 - Day 65

1. Ice wine tasting at Jackson Triggs Winery
2. riding the Maid of the Mist
3. Driving through beautiful terrain to get to Niagara
4. No major hitches with the rental car service
5. customer service at the hotel being flexible

October 17 - Day 66

1. Seeing Lake Huron with S. and L.
2. Vietnamese leftovers for dinner
3. A long day of driving with friends and beautiful scenery
4. The fun of having a much anticipated giving of a gift be well received
5. laughing with friends

October 18 - Day 67

1. "Fresh Wind"
2. Being at Stratford all day
3. Praying with S.
4. Crowns, swans, slides, leaves, laughter
5. twirling by the river

October 19 - Day 68

1. A goodbye hug (though tearful on my part) from S.
2. A funny conversational partner on the plane home
3. managing to sleep a bit on the plane
4. Shopping at the bookstore in Mississauga and getting recommendations from the man who works there
5. Home, to sleep in my own bed
   

From Henri on Eucharist, and the Church

It's been a while since I shared any bits and pieces from Henri Nouwen, but I found a few good ones sitting in my inbox on my arrival home from holidays, and thought I'd take the opportunity to pass them along.

A Place of Vulnerability and Trust

When we gather around the table and eat from the same loaf and drink from the same cup, we are most vulnerable to one another. We cannot have a meal together in peace with guns hanging over our shoulders and pistols attached to our belts. When we break bread together we leave our arms - whether they are physical or mental - at the door and enter into a place of mutual vulnerability and trust.

The beauty of the Eucharist is precisely that it is the place where a vulnerable God invites vulnerable people to come together in a peaceful meal. When we break bread and give it to each other, fear vanishes and God becomes very close.

The Church, Spotless and Tainted

The Church is holy and sinful, spotless and tainted. The Church is the bride of Christ, who washed her in cleansing water and took her to himself "with no speck or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and faultless" (Ephesians 5:26-27). The Church too is a group of sinful, confused, anguished people constantly tempted by the powers of lust and greed and always entangled in rivalry and competition.

When we say that the Church is a body, we refer not only to the holy and faultless body made Christ-like through baptism and Eucharist but also to the broken bodies of all the people who are its members. Only when we keep both these ways of thinking and speaking together can we live in the Church as true followers of Jesus.

Believing in the Church

The Church is an object of faith. In the Apostles' Creed we pray: "I believe in God, the Father, ... in Jesus Christ, his only Son º in the Holy Spirit, the holy catholic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body and the life everlasting." We must believe in the Church! The Apostles' Creed does not say that the Church is an organization that helps us to believe in God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. No, we are called to believe in the Church with the same faith we believe in God.

Often it seems harder to believe in the Church than to believe in God. But whenever we separate our belief in God from our belief in the Church, we become unbelievers. God has given us the Church as the place where God becomes God-with-us.

Catching Up

I am playing catch-up today.

My day started crazily when I discovered that the road I generally drive to get to work after driving L. at the train is closed, and that the detour is rather time consuming.

I've waded through close to 85 emails, with about 35 or so that are going to require follow-up.

I've sorted through accumulated mail.

I've met with four different staff members to catch up on the bits and pieces I missed while I was gone.

I'm pondering crisis mode and putting out fires. I'll probably write more about that later today. About thoughts on that topic as I come away from the first real extended time of rest that I've had in two and a half years.

In the meantime, I'm going to spend my lunch hour playing catch-up on some personal errands and so forth that were neglected while I was away, and following work tonight, my roommate and I will be going grocery shopping so that we can eat for the next week or so. After groceries, my objective is to get unpacked from the trip, and maybe even do a bit of laundry. We'll see how that plan goes.

If I owe you an email, it'll come. I'm not sure how soon, but it'll come. This week is incredibly busy both professionally and personally, and I'm fighting off a cold that I caught at the tail end of my holidays.

So, excuse me while I play catch-up. I'm hanging around here, even if it stays a bit quieter than usual for the next few days.

In the airport...

I'm sitting in the Toronto airport, waiting to head home.

I'm exhausted, and I'm really excited to collapse in my own bed tonight. Actually, I'm excited for a bed. I slept on some pretty comfortable couches for the last 10 days, but I'm excited to be in a bed with a bit more space to roll around.

It was a good trip. Tiring, but good. I'm planning to sleep for most of the flight home. Or at least hoping for that.

I'm so incredibly grateful for the time with friends, particularly the last couple of days with a very dear friend. I'm thankful for hugs and laughter and much needed conversations and prayer.

It was really hard to say goodbye this morning. The circumstances that have conspired to let us be in each other's presence regularly have changed, and it was harder than usual to say goodbye knowing that there is a good possibility that it will be quite some time before I get to be in her presence and share hugs with her again. I'm thankful for email and other methods of contact, but goodbye was hard, because it was so lovely to spend time with her again, to share hugs, and laughter at really ridiculous things. To go to church together and pray together. To be with one who knows my heart well, and demonstrates that in little ways that are so meaningful to me that I don't quite have words to describe them.

I'll be back to writing daily 5 lists (and post the ones to catch up for the time I've been away) sometime in the next day or two.

I'm headed home now. I'm grateful for the time away, but at this moment, I'll be grateful to be home as well.

What Room are You Most at Home In?

One more fun quiz, before I get home from vacation, and return to "normal" life.

This one is also very true of me. I do spend quite a bit of time in my bedroom. It's my refuge, and I try to maintain a relatively tidy state in it, to protect my own peace of mind. It's where I escape to think and write and pray when the weather makes it impossible for me to get out to the zoo or my favorite parks.

You Are Most at Home in the Bedroom

You're the type of person who finds sanctuary in your home. Your home is your private space. While you may be a social person outside the home, it's very rare that you invite people into your home. There's nothing like spending time alone in your bedroom - relaxing and reflecting about your day. You truly treasure your time by yourself. You need to be able to recharge every so often in order to thrive.

What Room Are You Most At Home In?

Blogthings: If Quizzes Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Take Quizzes

Great Interview with Rob Bell

I'll admit that I am a huge fan of Rob Bell. Not so much the Nooma videos, but his longer dvds, and I listen to the sermons from his church, Mars Hill Bible Church in Grand Rapids, Michigan on a pretty much weekly basis. I've also loved the two of his books that I've read, and am planning to spend time with another of his books very soon.

With that bias in mind, here's an interview that Youthworker Journal did with Rob Bell that I quite enjoyed.

How Intuitive Are You?

I found this one funny, mostly because I do tend to be a quite intuitive person at times.

You Are 72% Intuitive

You are a very intuitive person. And luckily, your intuition is normally right. You're wise enough to know that relying on intuition alone can be dangerous. When your intuition seems really off, you tend to ignore it - and look at the facts instead.

How Intuitive Are You?

Blogthings: Waste Time at Work!

Not Educating Girls is Costly

I found this article, which appeared last month to be quite fascinating. Following up on the theme of issues surrounding women that I raised with yesterday's link to the photo essay about maternity care in Guinea Bissau, this articles argues that a failure to educate girls hampers their earning potential, and thus keeps the economy of a country from performing as well as it could.

Life and Death in Guinea Bissau

This photo essay on the challenges of maternity care in Guinea Bissau was incredibly striking to me when I came across it recently, and I thought I'd share it here.

How Do You Communicate?

I liked the results of this one, probably because it's actually a fairly accurate descriptor of me.

You Communicate With Your Eyes

When you say, "I'll believe it when I see it" - you really mean it. For you, what you see is a lot more important than what you hear. You don't take someone's words at face value. You judge people by their facial expressions, body language, and appearance. You tend to be quiet, but when you talk, you tend to make eye contact and describe things in colorful detail.

How Do You Communicate?

Blogthings: A Fine Line Between Insight and Stupidity

I Saw the Dead Sea Scrolls

I decided today that heaven will have olds buildings and lots of history and museums. I'm quite certain of it.

L. and I visited the Royal Ontario Museum (ROM) which is currently housing a traveling exhibit of the Dead Sea Scrolls. We were even more fortunate in that they are only exhibiting the scroll with the Ten Commandments for one week, and it happened to be this week. It was an incredible exhibit, and I wasn't kidding when I said that for a biblical and religious history geek like me it was quite literally heaven!

I think I was most surprisd by the size of the scrolls. They're tiny! I have a new appreciation for the painstaking work of those who discovered them and worked to piece them together and translate them to share with the world at large.

In any case, we could have spent days there, though we only had a day. But it was fabulous and I highly recommend the experience if you live anywhere near Toronto.

We're in Toronto for another day, before heading to Niagara for a day and night, and then down to spend the weekend with a very dear friend of mine.

I'm so enjoying the laughter and the simply being with friends. That is the absolute highlight, and all the other fun stuff we've managed to do has simply been icing on the cake of this holiday I anticpated for so very long.

I'm reminding myself that I need to not wait 2.5 years before the next trip. I'm already plotting future potential get-aways. California potentially in the short-term - there are a number of spots there that I'd like to visit, and a few people too ;) and then, long term, the sky is the limit. Back to Europe, South America remains very much a priority, and after that, well, there's quite a few more places my heart is drawn to. I think I need to start working again on a plan to become independently wealthy and simply spend all my time travelling the world, writing and praying and touring!

Who Counsels the Counsellor?

This article, which appeared last month, was quite striking in the way it describes the toll of being in a warzone not only on those who are there as soldiers, but on those whose role it is to help the soldiers cope.

Happy Thanksgiving

In Canada, today, it's Thanksgiving.

We space our turkey consuming holidays out a little more up here north of the 49th parallel.

Actually, this year, for the second year in a row, I likely won't be consuming turkey. Which is okay with me, since I'm not a big fan of turkey anyway.

Last year I was in the easternmost parts of Canada, celebrating the wedding of some friends over the Thanksgiving long weekend.

This year the plan is to gather some dear friends from different parts of my life together, and enjoy fellowship and giving thanks.

I feel privileged to get to share a holiday with friends, and this year, hopefully introduce friends from different parts of my life who are important to me to each other.

Not Quite as Planned (Checking in Live!)

Daily 5 lists will resume when I get home. It's easier that way. I'll post the lists, probably with some pictures that go with them.

We arrived safely late on Friday evening, and have been laughing and adventuring and exploring ever since.

I'm feeling incredibly laid back, and that, to me, is a miracle.

Yesterday L and I spent a large chunk of the day at the CN Tower. I'm not totally sure we recommend it as a tourist event (in fact, I'm fairly sure we wouldn't recommend it all that highly), but we do now have the distinction of being able to say that we have been on the highest observation deck in the world. My friend A. (we're staying with her and her husband here in Toronto) met us after we finished up at the CN Tower and we wandered around downtown Toronto for a couple more hours.

There has been much laughter, and great conversations. I find myself soaking in the chance to simply be. To fellowship with friends and find rest in that.

Today, after a lazy start to the morning, A. and L. and I headed out to explore Kensington Market (unique and fun - bought a great new sweater at a funny little shop that mostly sells stuff from India. A bought a couple of scarves - apparently my tendency for scarf wearing is being passed on, as L. bought a scarf yesterday as well.) We found a little shop that sold Chilean empanadas for lunch, and then A. headed home to go out with her husband to join some of his relatives that live locally for a Thanksgiving dinner.

L. and I headed to a place called Casa Loma. Basically a castle in the middle of the city. It was a tourist attraction that was part of a deal we bought called the City Pass, that will get us into the places we actually really wanted to see for an affordable price. We weren't expecting much, but it turned out to be quite enjoyable. A nice mix of history, but very self guided. And lovely gardens. Much photo taking ensued, but I won't be able to upload photos until I get back to Calgary.

Following that the plan was to buy some groceries, return to A.'s apartment, cook ourselves some supper, and have a lazy evening reading or watching a dvd. We made it through the grocery buying, but the plans took a turn when we struggled mightily with the key A. had left us for the door of her apartment. Since we couldn't immediately reach A or her husband, we looked at each other, realized the groceries we'd bought would have to feed us a different night, and headed out to explore and find something to eat, hauling our couple decent sized bags of groceries along with us.

We ended up discovering a Peruvian restaurant nearby that looked busy, offered a tasty sounding menu, and affordable prices. Those of you who know me will know that my heart lept at any connection to Peru, and that was where we had dinner. AND, it was really good. The service was lovely, and we both really enjoyed the dishes we chose rather tentatively off the menu.

Since we still hadn't heard from A., we went with our backup plan, went to the local drugstore that we'd walked past on our way to find a restaurant, eventually purchase a magazine and newspaper, and headed for a lovely bakery/coffee shop that we'd also walked past earlier. Armed with reading material, rich chocolate desserts, and beverages, we passed a very happy hour or so sitting in the coffee shop until it closed. Just as we were nearing her apartment building, A. called with tips on getting the lock to work from her husband, and as I talked to her on the phone, we managed to get in.

What's fun in all of this is that a situation like that would normally make me panic, and maybe even cry. Instead I just had to laugh as I saw Jesus' hand in what turned out to be a very enjoyable and relaxing evening. I saw his hand in introducing me to Peruvian cuisine, and in a lazy evening in a coffee shop, and in the timing of A returning my call. I was in a totally strange city, and not frightened when life didn't go as planned, and that is so incredibly encouraging to recognize in myself.

Tomorrow's agenda should involve a (sort of) Thanksgiving dinner with A. and her husband, and one of my dearest friends who lives in a nearby city. More fellowship and laughter. And a hug from the person whom I have several times now flown across the country to collect a hug from, and offer one in return.

I'm tired from tons of walking the last two days, but I am feeling so at peace, so joyful, and like I'm resting in spite of doing so much. And those are things that make me incredibly grateful.

I think I'll sign off here for now. Happy Thanksgiving!

Quote for the Day

I liked this quote when it appeared recently on the calendar in my office:

Be trustful, firmly believing that God always provides for souls who trust in him. Then the devil is powerless because of the power of the trust in God.
(Saint Catherine of Siena)

Bumper Sticker Chuckle

Someone recently sent me the following text from a bumper sticker, and it made me chuckle:

I give evoloution two opposable thumbs up.

Heading Out

In about 40 minutes or so I'm leaving the office and heading for my roommate's office. I'll pick her up at work, we'll head home to do the last minute packing, and my brother T. will pick us up mid-afternoon to take us to the airport. Our flight leaves right around 5:00!

I've managed to scheduled a post a day to go live while I'm gone. Some fun quiz results. Links to various articles that have challenged me, or fascinated me, and a few other bits and pieces.

I'm hoping to be able to stop in and post "live and in person" from time to time while we're away, but as I said last night, I'm not certain what the internet access will be like.

So, we're off! And we're excited!

I am praying for a trip full of laughter, hugs, fun discoveries, and rest.

The Ninth

I had to laugh this morning when I got to the office.

It suddenly hit me that today is the ninth of October.

A dear friend of mine loves the number nine, and is always looking forward to the days with nines in them.

I booked my flights over a month ago. I've been thinking about and anticipating this day for a while.

And yet, it didn't hit me until I turned over the page on my quotes calendar this morning, that this long awaited day, this day when the vacation I've much anticipated and needed, is the ninth!

And that made me chuckle indeed.

Daily 5 - Day 58

This will probably be the last daily 5 to appear here for a couple weeks. I'll be writing them in my journal while I'm away, and I'll share when I return. I'll try to schedule a few posts to go live while I'm away, and check in live when I can, but I'm not sure when I'll have internet access either. So, it'll probably be a bit quiet around here while I'm off resting and recreating.

In any case, here's today's daily 5:

1. Making it through a crazy day at work
2. Sorting and packing - as frustrating a process as it can be - for our trip tomorrow.
3. Simple leftovers for dinner
4. Getting the book I'm going to try memorizing picked, and printed onto index cards for memorization
5. receiving a package I'm going to deliver to my friend A. in Toronto tomorrow night
   

Getting Close

I am spending today (and tomorrow morning) wrapping up or passing off a whole number of projects. I'm feeling quite tired, and not all that well at the moment, but I'm going to get it done.

Tonight is for packing.

And for making index cards with the book of Scripture I've decided to memorize, plus maybe another chapter or two.

Tomorrow morning for work.

Tomorrow afternoon for making the way to the airport.

And, tomorrow early evening for flying.

It's getting close!

I'm winging my way across the country, along with L (how fun to not make this flight alone for a change!), to spend nearly ten days visiting friends, resting, playing the tourist, and collecting hugs. There is, I've discovered, a small and limited group of my friends who will quite happily hop on a plane and fly across the country or around the world, with the main goal of collecting a hug. I'm definitely one of those people, and I will get to see two different friends from whom I am ecstatic to be able to collect hugs and to whom I will give hugs.

It's getting close!

Daily 5 - Day 57

Today's Daily 5:

1. Laughing and chatting about packing for our trip with L.
2. accomplishing many things this evening without feeling rushed or stressed
3. a simple but tasty dinner (peas, couscous, and turkey souvlaki kebabs)
4. a productive day at work, with less of the tensions that have been rampant lately
5. decorating a new journal, to be started begun sometime very soon...
   

Mish Mash of Afternoon Thoughts

I'm hoping to write some thoughts a bit later on the topic of depth perception. It's one I've been mulling over, playing with the words in my head today.

In the meantime, it's snowing. What happened to autumn? I'm definitely not ready for winter to have arrived just yet. I don't think it's cold enough for the snow to stick around, but it makes me a bit cranky anyways!

I am however wearing a very soft and lovely brown scarf today. It was a recent purchase, and I'm glad I bought this one. So that compensates just a tiny little bit for the snow. But only a tiny bit!

And with that, I still have oh so many work projects to start or finish or get under control or pass off to the appropriate person or persons before I leave on Friday at noon. And Friday at noon is getting closer all the time!

Last night I made the last booking for our trip. A night's accomodation at a motel in Niagara Falls. We got a fantastic deal - basically hostel prices, but so much nicer than staying in a hostel. (I stayed in a hostel when I attended the wedding in Kelowna in August, and it's not an experience I'm in any hurry to repeat!)

I'm thinking about tackling some longer scripture memorization challenges in the coming days. Maybe full chapters or even a short book. I'm increasingly convinced of the value of memorization, and I'd like to do more of it. I haven't really done it in any sort of serious way since I was a child, but it is those verses and passages that I find myself running through, over and over, in the hard moments, when I just need to rest into the truths of God's word instead of the overwhelming circumstances around me.

So, I'm looking for suggestions - favorite longer passages, or a book you'd recommend? I was thinking of maybe using some of the airplane time on my trip to get started, so I'd love if you'd leave some suggestions!

Daily 5 - Day 56

Today's Daily 5:

1. A smooth trip to the grocery store
2. relaxing in bed with my supper
3. candles lit around my bedroom
4. making the decision to watch a movie (Legally Blonde) that would make me smile and let me rest
5. a teary, but somehow helpful conversation mid really hard moment, with my mom this morning.
   

Are you sitting up straight?

I read this article this morning, and felt the sudden urge to work on my posture. Apparently it's important, and linked to self-confidence.

I'll admit to chronically slouching. Mostly because I'm quite short, and furniture never fits me. If I sit straight up on most chairs or couches, with my back against their back, my feet likely don't touch the ground. So I slouch or sit cross-legged to compensate for size and comfort.

Though I think now I'll probably make the effort to sit up a bit straighter!

Light Of Your Face

There is a line in this song that has been grabbing at my heart for close to two months now. I thought about it again as I fell asleep last night, and as I drove to work this morning.

"Let the light of your face shine down on my heart, and let me FEEL it."

This morning, right now, as I walk again through some challenging spaces, "Let me feel it."

Because I believe that Jesus holds me, and that he loves me. I really do believe all those things. And I've been learning to trust those things too.

But today, when I'm feeling cold and weary, the cry of my heart is for that light to penetrate to a place where I can feel it bringing warmth and restoration deeply.

Daily 5 - Day 55

Today's daily 5:

1. A tasty hamburger at a pub for dinner
2. "real" hugs from a couple of good friends
3. laughter even when I was really too tired to properly emotionally engage
4. That Jesus loves us deeply, even in our really broken spaces, and being reminded of that today
5. feeling Jesus speak, and knowing that he is changing things in me even amidst the really hard stuff.
   

rattled...

I'm feeling pretty spent right now.

A bit hurt and angry, and in need of a session venting. My blog is definitely not the place for that today.

I've had some pretty unfair and hurtful labels and accusations thrown my way today.

It's been a long time, maybe never, since I've stood truly alone (in human terms anyway... bearing in mind that Jesus is with me) on an issue.

I'm feeling rattled, struggling a bit to concentrate, and I'm tempted to say more here than I'm certain is appropriate.

So I think I'll stop now.

I'm having tea with a long time friend after work tonight. Perhaps I'll vent a bit to her. Or maybe I'll save the venting for my journal, and just collect a hug and some laughter from her. Because I could use both today.

So...

I've had a bit of a crazy day thus far.

I did manage to get a bit of sleep. But I dreamt wildly, deeply, intensely all night long. Strong and disturbing images, leading me to pray and think and wait and wonder.

I had a long and serious conversation with my boss this morning as well. About the issues I was wrestling with on Friday and Saturday. I'm not sure yet if I'll say much more about how that conversation went. Except to say that I am both disappointed in the outcome, but completely unsurprised. I'm still praying about taking one further step. I pray that it was a conversation where I used my words to point rather than chop. I think it was, though I'm fairly certain that was not how it was received.

There have been ravens flying past my window every few minutes this morning. Perching where I can see them. There are often birds, but rarely ravens. The ravens are oddly encouraging this morning.

And with that, I have much to accomplish, and less time than usual to do it in this week, so I'd better get at it.

Daily 5 - Day 54

Today's Daily 5:

1. Being really grateful that my parents live near enough that when the mechanic I've visited because my regular mechanic is closed, and says they're busy, and it will be two-three hours of waiting to get a couple of signal light bulbs changed, I can just get him to sell me the bulbs and call dad and invite myself over and let him do the quick fix on my car.
2. Finally getting one of the remaining two bookings we needed to take care of for our trip done, and having firm plans to finish the last bit of planning on Tuesday evening.
3. Shopping for a gift for a friend, and finding something that I think will work well
4. a hug from my mom
5. Visiting the gorillas this morning
   

Slow day so far...

I hung out at the zoo for a little while this morning, mostly visiting the gorillas. They've integrated a couple of new females into the troop, and it was fun to get to see them for the first time today. The gorilla exhibit remains my peaceful place, and it was nice to be back there for the first time in probably a month.

It's snowing today, wet and cold. Not really sticking on the ground much yet, but snowing nonetheless.

L. and I have set this evening aside for finalizing some trip plans. Booking a rental car, and one night of hotel accommodation. And sorting out which of the many attractions it is that we really are making must sees. We were talking just now, before she headed out for lunch, about the things we'd like to see, and laughing over some of the possibilities.

I'm so excited to be going on a vacation. It's been incredibly long. I've already mentioned that it's been almost two years since I had more than two work days in a row off. If we're counting vacation time, it's been far longer than that. Because the last time I had time off was the trip to Malta and Europe, and a vacation that time most definitely wasn't. So, I'm really anticipating much needed time away from work, and fellowship time with dear friends. One of my favorite parts of this trip already is that L. is coming with me. I'm thrilled to have someone to make the flights east (and then back home) and I know that with her along I'll collect far more experiences than if I was alone.

I'm waiting for a phone call to be returned. I have a signal light out on George, and I need my dad's help to replace the bulb. Hopefully my parents will be home soon, and I'll be able to go over there. I have some errands that I need to do today, but I don't feel safe doing them without a left-turn signal.

So, for the moment, I think I'm going to nap until my phone rings. There is some cleaning to be done, but I remain pretty exhausted and spent from the last week, so I think I'll likely just rest.

Daily 5 - Day 53

Today's Daily 5:

1. The beauty of heavy wet snowflakes falling (but not sticking around just yet) against the red shale paths, and yellow leaves of autumn as I walked in the park today
2. Going back to "my" park for the first time since coming upon the stabbing site a few weeks back, and meeting Jesus there again, feeling safe enough, unafraid enough to walk there
3. going to church tonight - a much needed time with the corporate body of Christ after this crazy day and week
4. affirming conversations with my mom and my roommate
5. watching episodes of Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, and the West Wing as I drifted in and out of a much needed nap for a while this afternoon.
   

Come to Our Shut Down Places

I have loved, for a time now, the story of Hannah. There are so many secrets wonders in that story, the first chapters or so of 1 Samuel, that Jesus has whispered to me.

Just now, on a day that has been hard and full of tears as I faced some realities about myself again, after a week that began in this impossibly deep space, and carried through many incredibly challenging moments of life and prayer, I read another prayer by Walter Bruggemann. A prayer that the book says he wrote after reading 1 Samuel 1. And somehow, this prayer is touching raw spots in my soul, and soothing just a little.

Come to Our Shut Down Places

It does not come easy to us to imagine that you
closed the womb of mother Hannah
and thereby foreclosed the future for a time.
And yet, we can name in your presence
a myriad of shut down places around us...
those shut down in poverty and despair,
those shut down in fear and in rage,
those shut down by abuse and violence,
too hurt to speak,
too frightened to appear,
too scarred to dance.
And closer, our own shut downs:
in anxiety, in resentment, in pretense,
too weary to care,
too greedy to share,
too much of us for neighbor.
Those are not all your doing, we confess.
But you are the God who opens all shut downs:
by your power, you give futures,
by your goodness, you give hope,
by your mercy, you make new.
So we bid you this day come to our shut down places
and give birth anew.
We pray through the Easter opening of the Friday shut downs.
Amen

~~~

I thankful that Jesus is a God who comes to the shut-down places. Because today, I need that. And today, I'm praying for that for so many I love. For birth anew, in the shut down places. For resurrections promises in moments that feel like Friday burials of all hope and joy.

I was wrong...

I need to say this here.

I screwed up yesterday.

In the midst of my frenzied thoughts about the parking situation at work, I stopped listening for God's voice, and started listening to the voice of my fears.

I ignored the prompting to have a conversation with my boss and express my concerns, and listened instead to the voice that said I must have lost my mind, since I was clearly the only person who was at all disturbed by the situation.

I let the passive aggressive, defeatist behaviors that drive me crazy infect me, and I listened to the voice that said "why bother expressing your concerns - it's not like strong moral decisions are ever made around here anyway."

The truth is that it doesn't matter if nothing changes. And it doesn't matter that the tendency towards morality hasn't exactly been strong lately. None of those things are reasons for me to have not obeyed the inner prompting to speak up.

I was wrong.

I was wrong to show up here and gripe about the situation without any intent of addressing it in the manner I should have.

I was wrong to ask blog readers and others to affirm something Jesus had already told me was right, and for that I want to apologize.

I was wrong to let the lack of agreement with my position convince me that I really had lost my mind this time, and to ignore the reminders that sometimes (or often I suppose) the place Jesus invites us to is the less than popular one, the one that leads to persecution. (Not that I expected persecution, just indifference mostly.)

I spent part of the morning walking in my park, in the first snowfall of the season, confessing that to Jesus, and asking for his forgiveness. It's a lovely thing that he offers grace, that our sins are forgotten.

I'm tired now, and sad. Sad at my own failings, and sad that I was so easily shifted from what I knew to be right. Yes, I know I'm forgiven, and yes, I'll forgive myself, but at this moment I remain saddened by the reminder that this has been a pattern at times in my life.

So, I'm seeking to choose differently.

On Monday, I'll speak with my boss, and perhaps take one other step that I'm still considering and praying about.

I've removed a couple of links from other places to the two posts from yesterday, a few incredibly passive aggressive methods of catching the attention of certain people. I may yet remove the posts themselves, though I'm still praying through and considering that option.

And I'm determined that this will not steal a desperately needed weekend of rest and peace. That I will not spend the next two days obsessing about a conversation on Monday that will undoubtedly be challenging for me to follow through with. That I will not spend this entire weekend cursing my failings. That I will somehow quiet the voices that in this moment are strong, and reminding me of each and every failure, and some that perhaps weren't failures. That I will ask Jesus to show me how he sees those moments, and that mostly, I will ask Jesus to draw near and hold me, like a papa cradling a cherished daughter.

Because I've forgotten about that this week, and that too was something I confessed this morning. I became caught in the pull of a number of different deep places, in the wake of moments of prayer and intercession and various journeys. And I failed to balance my own need to seek Jesus first with the demands of those other things on my time and energy. And I have paid dearly for that again this week as well.

So, I'll find ways to rest. To restore my flagging spirits, my spent energy, and I'll spend time with Jesus. Because that's really all I know to do in this space.

Daily 5 - Day 52

Image by .tess via Flickr

Today's daily 5 (and this lovely autumn photo I came across, just because it was lovely and reflective and felt "right" for today's list):

1. Sitting curled up in bed for much of the evening, with candles lit around my bedroom, thinking and resting, writing and praying
2. The first "decadent self-care" night in a long while - watching "America's Next Top Model" on the internet while laying in a hot bath with a clay mask on my face. I haven't had a decadent self-care Friday night since probably May.
3. A coworker today who took time to really listen, and then stopped, when I mentioned that I was questioning myself, my right to feel strongly about this, looked at me and used my name (always arresting somehow) and told me very firmly that if I felt passionately about the issue it was okay. It was okay to have an opinion, even if no one agreed, because it was my opinion. It was oddly empowering to have someone say out loud the things I was mentally telling myself.
4. Lunch out with another coworker - where we didn't talk about the tensions of the office, or all the glaring inconsistencies that have become clear again this week. We talked about life and cooking and family and vacations. (And I had enough left-overs to cover supper as well!)
5. Realizing that there are still things (however confusing) that raise incredibly passionate responses within my spirit. There have been moments when I wasn't sure that that would ever happen again, after feeling dead for so much of the last couple years. As confusing as this day was, and continues to be, I'm grateful for passion stirring within me.
   

Thankful it's Friday

Can you excuse me while I whine for just a second?
I'm cold, and I haven't slept in a week, and I still feel sick. I was wide awake for most of the night, seeing and hearing. And when I wasn't wide awake, I was having oddly themed, restless dreams. And I'm at work, which has been SO much fun this week.

Okay. I'm done. For the moment anyway.

I'm incredibly thankful it's Friday. I'm wearing jeans at the office. I'm going out for lunch with a coworker, where we'll likely NOT discuss work too much. And then I have the entire weekend to vegetate.

It's supposed to be a high of 4 C tomorrow anyway, with the likelihood of snow. (It is a bit early for snow... but whatever). So, it's a good weekend for staying in bed :). And, this weekend I'm all stocked up on vitamins, and I have breakfast food purchased in advance. So there will be none of the sudden realization that I have to leave the warm cocoon of bed on Saturday morning that happened last week.

I told someone today that I plan to spend most of the weekend in bed. I'm going to go home tonight, put on my pj's, eat dinner in bed, do emails in bed, read in bed, watch last night's episode of Grey's Anatomy on the internet in bed, paint my finger and toenails in bed, and then, if I'm really fortunate, I'll sleep in that same bed!

In any case, I really can't express just how thankful I am that it's Friday and only about 7 hours (and 1 of those is my lunch break!) stand between me and a weekend curled up at home.

Who knows, I may actually go to the zoo, or Heritage Park for a bit, but if it's cold, I'll probably just curl up with a movie or a book, or some combination thereof and catch up on rest and processing of the crazy week I've had.

Daily 5 - Day 51

I'm still feeling quite unwell. Probably just the cumulative effect of a very hard week, along with a lot of restless and even sleepless nights.

So, I'm going to list today's daily 5 for you, and head for a nice early bedtime.

1. Wearing new clothes to work today, and feeling like I looked pretty even though healthwise I was feeling lousy (even if I was so cold most of the day that my jacket was over top of them, and they mostly didn't get seen!)
2. Kim Walker's song "Can I have more of you?" playing over and over in my head as a refrain
3. A hug from my mom
4. A quiet evening at home alone, catching up on some emails, reading, researching for our trip, and resting
5. Learning that even in the midst of a lousy week, joy can be present and resilient. Finding it in a moment of humility and apology (though somewhat unnecessary) directed at me from a family member. And a hug. And securing a ride to the airport next week, and the promise of good things to come. And in managing to eat and keep down three meals and vitamins, despite the health challenges.
   

Testing the lesson from Stan (Can I have more of you?)

This has been a trying week.

I'm feeling stressed on a number of fronts, but mostly the work front.

It's been a week of out of control tensions, whispered conversations, frustrated moments, reminding myself that those are "inside thoughts", and generally just barely making it through to the end of each day.

I'm needing to remind myself that there are other factors playing into this week. That I normally rest well on the weekends, giving me energy to get through another week, and that last weekend I didn't sleep nearly at all, and had very strenuous days as well. That I've been feeling unwell all week, and that that never helps my mood or energy level or ability to cope.

It's been a week of testing my commitment to the lesson I learned via Stan in August. The lesson about not postponing joy. And, I'll readily admit that a lot of that testing has been a failure. That I've spent most of the week longing for the end of the work day to arrive, so that I could head home, and not much of the week looking for the moments of joy in the midst of the challenging work days I've faced.

And yet, my heart is different than it used to be.

The song lyrics that stick in my head are often very telling of my heartspace. In this case, instead of the total overwhelming feeling that is engulfing most of my days this week, in the brief moment this morning when I managed to get quiet and still, I was surprised to discover that the refrain playing through my head was from a Kim Walker song, a simple cry "Can I have more of you?"

That, is a change.

Because generally I would blame a crazy week like this, the combination of the wild emotional and spiritual atmosphere at my office, the sleepless nights, and the resulting exhaustion firmly on God, and be in more of a "Stay away from me" headspace, than an headspace inviting more of Jesus.

And yet, that shift excites me. Because it speaks of changing attitudes. Of positive results from the sometimes exhausting commitment to change long ingrained patterns of thought and action into something that is more focused on joy.

You can hear the entire song that's playing in my head here.

In the meantime, let me leave you with these lyrics, and the challenge to not postpone joy until later, no matter how trying the circumstances.

Because you are good, beyond measure
And my heart longs to give you pleasure
You fulfill all my longings
And all my life I will sing:

God I love you and all you do
your joy lives inside and does me good
Can I have more of you?

Happy October!

It's a new month again.

These days I wonder how that happens so quickly. It seems like just a few days ago that my roommate and I booked our plane tickets for our October holiday, and then set aside the trip planning because we had over a month. Now we're frantically trying to nail down the details like car rentals, getting from place to place, and one night of accomodation that won't be with friends, because we leave in eight days!

I am however always glad for a new month.

Even on days like today when my body is protesting my very existence, I'm feeling very ill, and wondering why I'm sitting at a desk in my office instead of laying in bed asleep. (Especially since I was up most of the night again.)

I'm having one of those more challenging days. (I guess I've been having them all week, but today, with the illness on top, is definitely feeling like the hardest yet.) The sort where I don't want to pray. And I don't want to choose differently. And joy doesn't seem like the best option. Where I really want to feel sorry for myself.

Today's saint of the day is Saint Terese of Lisieux. "The Little Flower." When I got to work this morning, the quote on my calendar for the day was, of course, from Saint Terese. It reads, "When I am incapable of praying, I want to keep telling Jesus that I love him. It's not difficult, and it keeps the fire going."

A rather challenging thought this morning. But simple, too. Just keep telling Jesus I love him, even when I can't quite manage a prayer. It keeps the warmth in me alive. A needed reminder on a week when I've physically experienced cold in new ways.

And with that, I'm off to tackle the things that must be done this morning, so that if I don't start feeling better, I can head home a bit later, and go back to bed.