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Today is the Feast of the Epiphany.

You can read about it here.

Any feast which recognizes the manifestation of God in human form is probably worth pausing just for a moment or two to consider.

In the Western Church, we remember the coming of the Magi today.

The Eastern Church calls the feast Theophany, and commemorates the baptism of Jesus.

The details I read about this feast are fascinating.

And so, tonight, for a few minutes, as the last of my advent candles burns down, and I light the three pillars that symbolize the trinity, and that replace the advent wreath and Christ candle (given as a gift to a friend) that sat on my dresser throughout the period of waiting, I'm pausing, to pray, to listen, to be thankful for the coming of God in human form, and to remember what the Eastern church celebrates as a truly trinitarian moment - the baptism of Jesus.

I pause, and I'm thankful for a God who took on flesh. For a God who revealed his nature to us in way that made it possible for us to enter into the life he offered more fully and deeply.

I found several challenging reflections from Henri Nouwen awaiting me in my inbox upon my return to work this morning, and thought I'd share them with you again...

Vulnerable, Like a Bird

Life is precious. Not because it is unchangeable, like a diamond, but because it is vulnerable, like a little bird. To love life means to love its vulnerability, asking for care, attention, guidance, and support. Life and death are connected by vulnerability. The newborn child and the dying elder both remind us of the preciousness of our lives. Let's not forget the preciousness and vulnerability of life during the times we are powerful, successful, and popular.

Fruits That Grow in Vulnerability

There is a great difference between successfulness and fruitfulness. Success comes from strength, control, and respectability. A successful person has the energy to create something, to keep control over its development, and to make it available in large quantities. Success brings many rewards and often fame. Fruits, however, come from weakness and vulnerability. And fruits are unique. A child is the fruit conceived in vulnerability, community is the fruit born through shared brokenness, and intimacy is the fruit that grows through touching one another's wounds. Let's remind one another that what brings us true joy is not successfulness but fruitfulness.

Living the Moment to the Fullest

Patience is a hard discipline. It is not just waiting until something happens over which we have no control: the arrival of the bus, the end of the rain, the return of a friend, the resolution of a conflict. Patience is not a waiting passivity until someone else does something. Patience asks us to live the moment to the fullest, to be completely present to the moment, to taste the here and now, to be where we are. When we are impatient we try to get away from where we are. We behave as if the real thing will happen tomorrow, later and somewhere else. Let's be patient and trust that the treasure we look for is hidden in the ground on which we stand.

Spiritual Choices

Choices. Choices make the difference. Two people are in the same accident and severely wounded. They did not choose to be in the accident. It happened to them. But one of them chose to live the experience in bitterness, the other in gratitude. These choices radically influenced their lives and the lives of their families and friends. We have very little control over what happens in our lives, but we have a lot of control over how we integrate and remember what happens. It is precisely these spiritual choices that determine whether we live our lives with dignity.

Some headlines drawing me into a space of prayer tonight:

Women Banned from Baghdad Shrine

Tetris Helps to Reduce Trauma

Ethiopia Imposes Aid Agency Curbs

Tremors Hit Indonesia Quake Area

Earthquake Deaths Highest Since 2004

Headlines and other things that caught my attention today:

Strike on Gaza School Kills 40

Calgary's First Murder of '09 Victim Fled Violence in Somalia

Murder Victim Had No Link to Gangs

Calgary Family Trapped in Gaza

and this cartoon at "The Naked Pastor"

Psalm 34:18 (NLT)
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

I'm drawing comfort in new ways from this tonight.

A couple articles that caught my attention this morning...

Child Eloper's Africa Plan Foiled - ah, young love. this one made me smile.

How the City Hurts Your Brain - I found this article on the effects that living in an urban environment has on your brain to be quite fascinating.

Sunday night.
Curled up in bed.
one magic bag draped around my neck
the other spread across my feet
both bringing warmth
and easing pain.

music playing
a gift that came by mail
from a friend

from where I sit to write
I can see three roses
12 lit candles
and some that aren't lit
4 crosses
4 photos.

on my lips I can still taste
the sea salt
of Mediterranean extraction
that flavored my dinner
an accidental purchase
yesterday, while I was looking for roses
before the drive and gift of peace
an accidental prayer, really

this has been
a day of extremes
emotionally
physically
spiritually

and so I sit in bed
and wait.

much of the "today I'm going to"
(take control of my life)
list has been accomplished.
only a few things remain.

there are emails to return
one to someone with whom
relations have been strained
one to another continent
a reply to a long expected note
that unexpectedly tore a hole
in my heart
more pieces shattered
and piercing
one a thank you for the music
that arrived in yesterdays mail
handed to me when I stopped to
pick up a bottle of wine
at my parents
and two to well-meaning relatives
reaching out for relationship
that I don't quite know
what to do with.

then scripture
time with Jesus again
readying for another long week

trying the new vitamins
recommended by a friend as
a possible way to aid with sleep

thereby
closing out a day that began
with another crying jag
(they've been a daily thing of late)
and contained within it
laughter
anger
love
hurt
practicality
unease
and
rest
in mixed and uneven portions
sometimes not waiting for the previous
to leave before it arrived,
overlapping experiences of life.

tonight my heart has
(a sort of) quiet.

I think I'm going to start a regular feature... just random thought statements that cross my mind. "Things I wonder about..."

I'm starting with this:

Who on earth came up with the name baby's breath for that particular flower? No baby I've ever held has had breath as foul smelling as this particular beautiful but entirely stinky flower. It smells more like animal pee than anything else... and why something so foul smelling is always paired with something as lovely as roses is yet another mystery to me...

There are certain aspects of life that have been rather rough lately, and I'm feeling the need to exert some control over the chaos again.

I had another crying jag this morning, and eventually managed to stuff it down enough to head out and do a couple of necessary errands. Then I came home and contemplated food and the need to exert some control.

So, I'm sitting at my kitchen table, with a number of things I love, and/or things I need to accomplish spread out around me.

I'm eating a pancake sandwich. Have you been introduced to this fantastic treat? You take leftover pancakes (I make FANTASTIC pancakes), and use them like the bread for a sandwich. For best results, you should fill your sandwich with smooth peanut butter and raspberry jam.

I'm also sipping at a cup of pomegranete green tea. Steeped for four minutes. Because the three minutes listed on the box just doesn't make it quite strong enough.

I have the roses I bought yesterday nearby.

A bottle of water.

Some vitamins that I'm working on remembering to take regularly.

A couple pens. Several books. My daytimer, Bible and journal. Several dvds and a CD.

A long list of things I want done today. Some relaxing, and some that are quite hard.

Like I said, it's time to exert a little bit of control. (Which, I think is a bad word.) So maybe I'll just say I'm taking charge, or that I'm exercising leadership over my own life. Is that a more acceptable way to put it?

Just one of several headlines catching my eye this morning.

Strong Earthquakes Hit Indonesia

A heart finally a bit at peace.

The day in a few images.

A couple headlines that caught my attention today:

Triple Shooting Gets 09 off to a Deadly Start (this is rather near my home, which is concerning.)

Why 2008 Was a Long Year (just because there is a certain amount of humor in the fact that the year which seemed so long quite literally was longer!)

another thought from Henri Nouwen:

Our Spiritual Parents

Joy and sorrow are never separated. When our hearts rejoice at a spectacular view, we may miss our friends who cannot see it, and when we are overwhelmed with grief, we may discover what true friendship is all about. Joy is hidden in sorrow and sorrow in joy. If we try to avoid sorrow at all costs, we may never taste joy, and if we are suspicious of ecstasy, agony can never reach us either. Joy and sorrow are the parents of our spiritual growth.

Those of you who have been reading this blog for a while will know that I have two younger brothers.

We had a big back yard growing up, and we (well, mostly they) spent a great deal of time playing every game involving a flying ball or frisbee ever invented in said back yard. Our neighbors on one side (in the early years anyway) were a kindly old couple who didn't mind if we went into their yard to retrieve one of the balls or other flying objects that seemed to inevitably go "over the fence". We never fought about who had to retrieve things from their yard.

The neighbors on the other side however, were fearsome. A woman and her husband whose children had long since grown. An avid (almost obsessive) gardener, who got angry and yelled every time something inadvertantly went over her fence. (She also once yelled at us for "playing too loudly" while they were entertaining company on the patio in their garden.) She would threaten to keep anything that went over her fence, and stealth was required in it's retrieval. If she caught you in her yard, you were in for yet another tongue lashing. We fought regularly over whose fault it was when something went into her yard, and who was therefore obligated to try and retrieve it.

I remembered all this this morning when I read the following article, which made me smile:
Woman, 89, Who Kept Boy's Football Sues Parents

It's a new year. Actually, we're only a few short hours from already being on the second day of the new year.

I've wondered all day what I would write here. I wrote here the equivalent of nearly twice a day for the last 365 days. And all day I've wondered what I would say to you.

I didn't really celebrate last night. This last week has seen a coming to a head of some things I've struggled with and prayed about all year. I didn't receive any invitations to go out this year, and I'm not really all that sure that I would have accepted if I had. My heart was pretty shattered by the time I reached yesterday, and despite not having the energy or motivation to go out, I was lonely.

I spent a chunk of the evening praying. Quietly sitting in my living room. Sometimes crying. I had bread and wine, and orange and some chocolate. I shed a few tears, and read some scripture aloud, my voice echoing a little in our quiet house. I came back again to a Psalm that has been a particular favorite, that has marked much of my journey.

Psalm 116

1 I love the Lord because he hears my voice
and my prayer for mercy.
2 Because he bends down to listen,
I will pray as long as I have breath!
3 Death wrapped its ropes around me;
the terrors of the grave overtook me.
I saw only trouble and sorrow.
4 Then I called on the name of the Lord:
“Please, Lord, save me!”
5 How kind the Lord is! How good he is!
So merciful, this God of ours!
6 The Lord protects those of childlike faith;
I was facing death, and he saved me.
7 Let my soul be at rest again,
for the Lord has been good to me.
8 He has saved me from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling.
9 And so I walk in the Lord’s presence
as I live here on earth!
10 I believed in you, so I said,
“I am deeply troubled, Lord.”
11 In my anxiety I cried out to you,
“These people are all liars!”
12 What can I offer the Lord
for all he has done for me?
13 I will lift up the cup of salvation
and praise the Lord’s name for saving me.
14 I will keep my promises to the Lord
in the presence of all his people.

15 The Lord cares deeply
when his loved ones die.
16 O Lord, I am your servant;
yes, I am your servant, born into your household;
you have freed me from my chains.
17 I will offer you a sacrifice of thanksgiving
and call on the name of the Lord.
18 I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
in the presence of all his people—
19 in the house of the Lord
in the heart of Jerusalem.

Praise the Lord!

I was in bed, asleep, long before midnight.

~~~

I started the new year by making a visit to my park. "My" park. The spot I go to meet with Jesus. The spot I go when my heart hurts. I went praying that today he would have words for my heart, words of healing and comfort. To be honest, I kind of wanted the "big moment" that happens occasionally. My heart has felt dry and cracked and hungry, in need of a flood of sorts. God has called my heart to pray on behalf of others often recently, and I am tired. Not resentful, just in need of renewing. I felt guilty, to be completely honest, asking God if just this morning, for a few minutes he'd speak just for my heart, and not for those whom I care deeply about, and who I've been praying for. I'd felt him calling me to the park this morning, and I was hoping for those healing words. They didn't really come. There was silence mostly, the pull to keep walking in moments when I was ready to call it quits. I paused a few times, in the silence (not many people are out fairly early in the morning on New Year's Day) to watch the chickadees flit and play in the bare snow covered branches. A walk in the park is never a waste, but today, my heart had hoped for more.

After the park I went to the zoo to visit with the gorillas. Buying a zoo pass was one of the best things I did last year. I love to go early in the morning to the zoo, before it gets busy, and spend 20 minutes or half an hour watching the gorillas. This morning they were mostly resting too. But it is beautiful and warm in the enclosure, and one of the few places that I have found to be a place where, for those minutes that I spend there, my heart quiets and finds joy and peace.

I rounded out the day with a trip to the mall to return a birthday present I'd bought for someone that turned out to be "not quite right", and to continue the quest for a dressier winter coat. I bought one today. A pretty, sort of plaid black and white one, that has a high collar and falls nearly to my knees. I knew it was the one because I looked in the mirror and felt beautiful. Not the every day, doctored kind of beautiful, but elegant, in a classic, 1950s black and white movie, Audrey Hepburn sort of way.

I spent the rest of the afternoon cleaning my house, cooking lunch, showering. Doing the mundane sorts of things that are neither particularly relaxing, nor particularly tiring. I joined my parents and youngest brother for Chinese take out for dinner, and now I'm home, already in my pajamas, writing from bed. I'll read for a while, then hopefully sleep early.

I'm tired, and my heart still feels a bit disappointed. I am asking Jesus for direction, for the ability to dream again without fear of brokenness. I need to meet with Him deeply in the next few days. I need to start the new year off well. I need this year to be different than the last. To be marked with hope and joy and peace far more prominently than hopelessness, anguish, sorrow and brokenness.

It's snowing again, and my heart is tired of the cold. I long for warmth, and the coming again of spring.

I pray that the new year will be marked by warmth and beauty for each and every one of you, and that Jesus will encounter each of you deeply and beautifully as your year begins.