The Lord Cares Deeply

Psalm 116:15 NLT "The Lord cares deeply when his loved ones die."

And they are all his loved ones.

Praying this for many around me tonight, and some specifically.

Psalm 23:4

I received word today that the mother of some friends of mine has a far more serious cancer than was initially thought. The doctors are not speaking in terms of cure, but control, and hopes that they can give her a year.

The news came in the midst of some other things, already breaking my heart, and I've set aside what I'd planned to do this afternoon in favor of tears, lighting candles, writing and praying.

When the email came this morning, I thought immediately of some lines from a book called "The Word on the Street". The author, Rob Lacey, rewrote much of the Bible during a battle with cancer. He was eventually healed, lived a number of years before the cancer recurred, this time claiming his life.

The lines that came to my mind this morning were his rendition of Psalm 23:4... I can hear them as he wrote them, because there is also an audio version of the book (I recommend it). There is a rhythm to them, and today they are playing through my head as a prayer.

I crawl through the alley of the shadow of cancer
I know you know the answer
And the battle won't rattle me.
You're around, and I've found
There's something about your empathy
Your symphony of sympathy
That comforts me.
You're with me
You comfort me.

I find myself praying this today, for this woman as she fights cancer, for my friends, and their siblings, and their dad. For all those their family has loved and made their own (they do that, you see.) I pray they will know the empathy, the symphony, the comfort of Christ in the midst of all of this.

Yesterday...

This photo was taken as I sat in a meadow yesterday. There is something powerful for me, in speaking the words of scripture aloud in creation. I do it rarely, and only when my heart is deeply moved to that space. But yesterday was one of those days.

Because I was praying for a friend who was pilgrimaging, for many (myself included) who find themselves walking in the valley of weeping, and because I was in some ways pilgrimaging myself, it was Psalm 84 that was deeply on my heart. Particularly the bits I've made italic:

Psalm 84 (NLT)

How lovely is your dwelling place,
O Lord of Heaven’s Armies.
I long, yes, I faint with longing
to enter the courts of the Lord.
With my whole being, body and soul,
I will shout joyfully to the living God.
Even the sparrow finds a home,
and the swallow builds her nest and raises her young
at a place near your altar,
O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, my King and my God!
What joy for those who can live in your house,
always singing your praises.
Interlude

What joy for those whose strength comes from the Lord,
who have set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem.
When they walk through the Valley of Weeping,
it will become a place of refreshing springs.
The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings.
They will continue to grow stronger,
and each of them will appear before God in Jerusalem.

O Lord God of Heaven’s Armies, hear my prayer.
Listen, O God of Jacob.
Interlude

O God, look with favor upon the king, our shield!
Show favor to the one you have anointed.

A single day in your courts
is better than a thousand anywhere else!
I would rather be a gatekeeper in the house of my God
than live the good life in the homes of the wicked.
For the Lord God is our sun and our shield.
He gives us grace and glory.
The Lord will withhold no good thing
from those who do what is right.
O Lord of Heaven’s Armies,
what joy for those who trust in you.

In true "God" fashion, I comment to L, who accompanied me on the hike, that I wished I could read part of that particular passage from Eugene Peterson's "The Message" because I loved how he translated verses 5-7. I laughed aloud when L confirmed that I was thinking about the Message, and then dug in her bag to hand me a copy. The verses I was looking for read as follows:

And how blessed all those in whom you live,
whose lives become roads you travel;
They wind through lonesome valleys, come upon brooks,
discover cool springs and pools brimming with rain!
God-traveled, these roads curve up the mountain, and
at the last turn—Zion! God in full view!

As I finished reading these aloud as well, L. quietly wandered further down into the meadow, to give me some space to simply wrap myself in a shawl, and sit to journal, and pray and listen.

Psalms

I've spent a lot of time reading and returning to certain favorite Psalms lately, praying along with them, crying out to the Father.

It's been a full few days again. My heart is working to hold onto the important things in the midst of wild pulls in multiple directions.

I returned again to this verse in Psalm 27 late last night, and it is the prayer of my heart right now - both that I would indeed hear, and that my heart would respond immediately.

Psalm 27:8 NLT
My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.”
And my heart responds, “Lord, I am coming.”

Remembering

It may be quiet around here for the next few days. I'm not sure yet.

The next three days all mark significant "anniversaries" for me. Things that happened, things that are deep and full, but are also marked with deep pain and high cost.

I'm not sure where my heart will be at as I face these days.

I'm not sure if there will be words, or only silence.

But I need to walk these days out.

I need to take the time to remember.

I'm thinking again about the verse in Psalm 27 that says something to the effect of "my heart has heard you say, 'come and talk to me.' and my heart has responded, 'Lord, I am coming.' "

I'm going to give my heart the space and permission to write or to be silent, to remember, to pray and wait, to feel the presence of Jesus deeply, and grieve the wounds that still remain.

Borrowed Prayers

I am praying tonight with borrowed words.

Words and heart cries borrowed from a shepherd crowned king, but still buried in adversity.

Words borrowed from the songs of pilgrims on their way to Jerusalem.

A mish-mash of words, borrowed from Psalms 55, 56, and 126.

These are the prayers of my heart tonight.

Listen to my prayer, O God.
Do not ignore my cry for help!
Please listen and answer me,
for I am overwhelmed by my troubles.
My heart pounds in my chest.
The terror of death assaults me.
Fear and trembling overwhelm me,
and I can’t stop shaking.
Oh, that I had wings like a dove;
then I would fly away and rest!
I would fly far away
to the quiet of the wilderness.
How quickly I would escape—
far from this wild storm of hatred.

selah

It is not an enemy who taunts me—
I could bear that.
It is not my foes who so arrogantly insult me—
I could have hidden from them.
Instead, it is you—my equal,
my companion and close friend.
What good fellowship we once enjoyed
as we walked together to the house of God.

But I will call on God,
and the Lord will rescue me.
Morning, noon, and night
I cry out in my distress,
and the Lord hears my voice.
He ransoms me and keeps me safe
from the battle waged against me,
though many still oppose me.
God, who has ruled forever,
will hear me and humble them.

Selah

For my enemies refuse to change their ways;
they do not fear God.
As for my companion, he betrayed his friends;
he broke his promises.
His words are as smooth as butter,
but in his heart is war.
His words are as soothing as lotion,
but underneath are daggers!

O God, have mercy on me,
for people are hounding me.
My foes attack me all day long.
I am constantly hounded by those who slander me,
and many are boldly attacking me.
But when I am afraid,
I will put my trust in you.
I praise God for what he has promised.
I trust in God, so why should I be afraid?
What can mere mortals do to me?
They are always twisting what I say;
they spend their days plotting to harm me.

Selah

You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.
I praise God for what he has promised;
Yes, I praise the Lord for what he has promised.
I trust in God, so why should I be afraid?
What can mere mortals do to me?
I will fulfill my vows to you, O God,
and will offer a sacrifice of thanks for your help.
For you have rescued me from death;
you have kept my feet from slipping.
So now I can walk in your presence, O God,
in your life-giving light.
Restore our fortunes, Lord,
as streams renew the desert.
Those who plant in tears
will harvest with shouts of joy.
They weep as they go to plant their seed,
but they sing as they return with the harvest.

amen.

Close to the Brokenhearted

Psalm 34:18 (NLT)
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

I'm drawing comfort in new ways from this tonight.

New Year

It's a new year. Actually, we're only a few short hours from already being on the second day of the new year.

I've wondered all day what I would write here. I wrote here the equivalent of nearly twice a day for the last 365 days. And all day I've wondered what I would say to you.

I didn't really celebrate last night. This last week has seen a coming to a head of some things I've struggled with and prayed about all year. I didn't receive any invitations to go out this year, and I'm not really all that sure that I would have accepted if I had. My heart was pretty shattered by the time I reached yesterday, and despite not having the energy or motivation to go out, I was lonely.

I spent a chunk of the evening praying. Quietly sitting in my living room. Sometimes crying. I had bread and wine, and orange and some chocolate. I shed a few tears, and read some scripture aloud, my voice echoing a little in our quiet house. I came back again to a Psalm that has been a particular favorite, that has marked much of my journey.

Psalm 116

1 I love the Lord because he hears my voice
and my prayer for mercy.
2 Because he bends down to listen,
I will pray as long as I have breath!
3 Death wrapped its ropes around me;
the terrors of the grave overtook me.
I saw only trouble and sorrow.
4 Then I called on the name of the Lord:
“Please, Lord, save me!”
5 How kind the Lord is! How good he is!
So merciful, this God of ours!
6 The Lord protects those of childlike faith;
I was facing death, and he saved me.
7 Let my soul be at rest again,
for the Lord has been good to me.
8 He has saved me from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling.
9 And so I walk in the Lord’s presence
as I live here on earth!
10 I believed in you, so I said,
“I am deeply troubled, Lord.”
11 In my anxiety I cried out to you,
“These people are all liars!”
12 What can I offer the Lord
for all he has done for me?
13 I will lift up the cup of salvation
and praise the Lord’s name for saving me.
14 I will keep my promises to the Lord
in the presence of all his people.

15 The Lord cares deeply
when his loved ones die.
16 O Lord, I am your servant;
yes, I am your servant, born into your household;
you have freed me from my chains.
17 I will offer you a sacrifice of thanksgiving
and call on the name of the Lord.
18 I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
in the presence of all his people—
19 in the house of the Lord
in the heart of Jerusalem.

Praise the Lord!

I was in bed, asleep, long before midnight.

~~~

I started the new year by making a visit to my park. "My" park. The spot I go to meet with Jesus. The spot I go when my heart hurts. I went praying that today he would have words for my heart, words of healing and comfort. To be honest, I kind of wanted the "big moment" that happens occasionally. My heart has felt dry and cracked and hungry, in need of a flood of sorts. God has called my heart to pray on behalf of others often recently, and I am tired. Not resentful, just in need of renewing. I felt guilty, to be completely honest, asking God if just this morning, for a few minutes he'd speak just for my heart, and not for those whom I care deeply about, and who I've been praying for. I'd felt him calling me to the park this morning, and I was hoping for those healing words. They didn't really come. There was silence mostly, the pull to keep walking in moments when I was ready to call it quits. I paused a few times, in the silence (not many people are out fairly early in the morning on New Year's Day) to watch the chickadees flit and play in the bare snow covered branches. A walk in the park is never a waste, but today, my heart had hoped for more.

After the park I went to the zoo to visit with the gorillas. Buying a zoo pass was one of the best things I did last year. I love to go early in the morning to the zoo, before it gets busy, and spend 20 minutes or half an hour watching the gorillas. This morning they were mostly resting too. But it is beautiful and warm in the enclosure, and one of the few places that I have found to be a place where, for those minutes that I spend there, my heart quiets and finds joy and peace.

I rounded out the day with a trip to the mall to return a birthday present I'd bought for someone that turned out to be "not quite right", and to continue the quest for a dressier winter coat. I bought one today. A pretty, sort of plaid black and white one, that has a high collar and falls nearly to my knees. I knew it was the one because I looked in the mirror and felt beautiful. Not the every day, doctored kind of beautiful, but elegant, in a classic, 1950s black and white movie, Audrey Hepburn sort of way.

I spent the rest of the afternoon cleaning my house, cooking lunch, showering. Doing the mundane sorts of things that are neither particularly relaxing, nor particularly tiring. I joined my parents and youngest brother for Chinese take out for dinner, and now I'm home, already in my pajamas, writing from bed. I'll read for a while, then hopefully sleep early.

I'm tired, and my heart still feels a bit disappointed. I am asking Jesus for direction, for the ability to dream again without fear of brokenness. I need to meet with Him deeply in the next few days. I need to start the new year off well. I need this year to be different than the last. To be marked with hope and joy and peace far more prominently than hopelessness, anguish, sorrow and brokenness.

It's snowing again, and my heart is tired of the cold. I long for warmth, and the coming again of spring.

I pray that the new year will be marked by warmth and beauty for each and every one of you, and that Jesus will encounter each of you deeply and beautifully as your year begins.

My Heart Has Heard

My heart has heard you say, "Come and talk with me."
And my heart responds, "Lord, I am coming."
(Psalm 27:8)

Broken

I'm thinking a lot about a line from Psalm 51 this morning: "You have broken me, now let me rejoice."

The transition between worlds that I wrote about yesterday was harsher even than I knew at the time I wrote.

My heart is bruised and shattered.

I'm working to not assign blame, to not hate, to not play the "what if" game. Because, as a dear friend reminded me last night, speaking out the truth my heart was already wrestling with, "Jesus doesn't blame that person, or hate them."

The same friend reminded me that sometimes broken is "sweetly broken".

And so, I'm resting here. Praying deeply for those I love. Praying for my own heart scattered about in bits on the floor.

There are two days of work left. I just need to get through them. This week has been full. Too full. I need a weekend, and some rest. I need the ability to stay in bed, to curl up with scripture and a journal, and to be broken in peace, without needing to put on the facade of wholeness that my job requires.

"You have broken me, now let me rejoice."

Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy.

Raw Hope

Psalm 116

1 I love the LORD, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.

2 Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.

3 The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came upon me;
I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.

4 Then I called on the name of the LORD :
"O LORD, save me!"

5 The LORD is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.

6 The LORD protects the simplehearted;
when I was in great need, he saved me.

7 Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you.

8 For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,

9 that I may walk before the LORD
in the land of the living.

10 I believed; therefore I said,
"I am greatly afflicted."

11 And in my dismay I said,
"All men are liars."

12 How can I repay the LORD
for all his goodness to me?

13 I will lift up the cup of salvation
and call on the name of the LORD.

14 I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
in the presence of all his people.

15 Precious in the sight of the LORD
is the death of his saints.

16 O LORD, truly I am your servant;
I am your servant, the son of your maidservant;
you have freed me from my chains.

17 I will sacrifice a thank offering to you
and call on the name of the LORD.

18 I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
in the presence of all his people,

19 in the courts of the house of the LORD—
in your midst, O Jerusalem.
Praise the LORD.

Hurting

My heart aches tonight.

I've heard from three of my closest friends in the last day or so, and they're all hurting.

My heart aches with my own ongoing struggles, but also with the pain of those I love.

I re-read one of my favorite passages of scripture last night, just before sleeping, and from it comes the cry of my heart, and the breath of hope for healed lives, and the commitment to continue to press towards Jesus.

I love the LORD, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.

Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.

(Psalm 116:1-2)

You have broken me.

Not sure at this point that I'm even entirely ready to cry out to God. There's still a lot of things leaving a foul taste in my mouth. It's been a really rough few days. But if I was going to cry out, I'd start here, with a verse I read in the Psalms last night.

Oh, give me back my joy again;
you have broken me -
now let me rejoice.
(Psalm 51:8)

A cry...

Psalm 142, of David

I cry out to the Lord;
I plead for the Lord's mercy.
I pour out my complaints before him
and tell him all my troubles.
When I am overwhelmed,
you alone know the way I should turn.
Wherever I go,
my enemies have set traps for me.
I look for someone to come and help me,
but no one gives me a passing thought!
No one will help me;
no one cares a bit what happens to me.
The I pray to you, O Lord.
I say, "You are my place of refuge.
You are all I really want in life.
Hear my cry,
for I am very low.
Rescue me from my persecutors,
for they are too strong for me.
Bring me out of prison
so I can thank you.
The godly will crowd around me,
for you are good to me."

Up and Down Day

When I finally settled in to pray yesterday, it was a very good thing. For an hour and a half or so I paced my home, and had a conversation with Jesus. We talked about a lot of things - about dreams, about promises he's made, about the things I've been struggling with lately, about the many fronts on which I've been encountering opposition in the last several weeks. I walked away at rest - peaceful in the things He spoke to me.

It's a lot easier to rest in those things when you're not at that moment in the midst of the opposition. That's the lesson I began to learn today. Work was horrendous. By noon I was feeling equally exhausted to the way I had felt going into the weekend. I left for a few minutes to collect myself, and came back to discover an email from a very dear friend inviting me to dinner with her tonight since she was coming into the city. I think that email got me through the rest of the day - the promise of relief and enjoyment with a friend.

Time with Kari was relieving. We talked and she managed to encourage me, maybe without even trying. I went into the rest of my evening with restored peace and energy.

Funny how that goes, and how perspective can be so quickly gained and lost.

I'm working to learn to rest and live in the promises of protection that God has spoken to me both personally and through dear friends. This morning as I woke, the Lord gave me a picture of myself being clothed in a cloak, having it wrapped around my body, and then a hood pulled up over my head. The comparison that came to mind is the invisibility cloak from the Harry Potter stories. An ability to walk unseen in enemy territory. I think Kirk said something about that to me on the weekend. I went to work with that assurance, but quickly lost sight of it in the face of the opposition and tensions that have become commonplace there in the last few weeks.

So tomorrow, I'll try again. Again to rest in the promises of the armour of God, in the promise spoken to me from Genesis that He will be my shield and my reward, in the words of Psalm 91. I'll wrap the cloak of His protection around me and walk unseen in enemy territory - and this time I'll work to remember that though I can see and hear the enemy, I cannot be harmed, my peace cannot be snatched from me, the lies cannot affect me.

Fear, and Moving Slow

I'm working to re-establish the rhythm of life that was so successfully holding me in a place of peace and reduced stress and close, listening relationship with Christ.

I'm battling sudden attacks of fear. Terror really. All kinds of out of control thought patterns that spiral into things completely irrational. I've battled against fear in various forms of attack since I was a tiny child. The first scripture verse I remember my parents teaching me goes, "When I am afraid, I will put my trust in you." I still cling to that one in moments when the fear comes fast and harsh.

I feel the need to take life very slowly these days, to not fill my calendar, to create a great deal of space for simply doing nothing. For pausing and listening. For time with those few people who are life-giving rather than draining.

I'm reading the Psalms these days - have been for almost a month now. One or two a night - just before I go to sleep. I'm finding I relate strongly to the deeply emotional cries of the Psalmists - particularly David.

My roommate has gone to bed, and I'm sitting alone in the living room, watching tv on dvd and typing this post. It's quiet, except for the noise from the dvd, and the movements of the neighbors upstairs, and I almost feel as if I could begin to like it here.

Tomorrow is Friday - casual day at work. It makes me happy to think of wearing jeans to the office! My roommate and I are going to my parents house for dinner, and to spend the evening. I'm looking forward to hanging out with my family for the evening.

And with that, I'm going back to devoting more attention to the dvd, and then, eventually to take a quick shower and head for bed.