Friday, March 23, 2007

A Dilemma

I'm trying to decide if I'm going to attend a seminar of sorts tomorrow morning. It runs from 10-2, and the topic is journalling and creative writing. I attended a similar seminar by the woman instructing a number of years ago, and quite throughly enjoyed it. None of this is part of the dilemma.

The thing is, the event is partially being put on by the church I left. They're doing it in conjunction with a number of other groups in Calgary, but it's being held in their building, and a number of their leaders are heavily involved.

This always creates an awkward space for me. I feel like so much was unresolved in my decision to move on from that church, and yet, I still believe in the things they do, and I have tried (though unsucessfully in some cases) to maintain friendships with a number of people there. I ever worked a number of times to meet with leaders in order to resolve some of the unresolved things, but they chose never to respond, and I'm left unsure how to handle it. I have a whole lot harder time ignoring the relational rift when we're together than they do.

I usually try to find someone to go to these sorts of events with. I had planned to go with my best friend, but because of her work schedule, she can't drive me now, and will probably come late. When I go with someone else to these things, at least there's a bit of a buffer zone. It's a lot harder to go on my own. I'll probably still go, but uggh... in some ways I dread the relational tension I know I'll feel, and I wonder if this is really a good way to spend a Saturday?

Joy, work, and girly stuff

I was thinking (and writing) some more on the train on the way home from work yesterday about how beautiful it is to experience emotions.

Particularly, if you had told me in the midst of my years of depression that I could experience deep, unexplainable joy and peace in the middle of crazy circumstances I would never have believed you. But I’ve been experiencing it lately, at the oddest moments – this sense of rest in the knowledge of God’s overwhelming love, and it bubbles into a smile, and a sense of calm.

Work remains crazily busy, but I am, at just this moment at a standstill. I have dozens of things left to do to prepare for the conference next weekend, but can’t move on most of them until my boss finishes some things I need to have to move on to my next step.

And, I enjoyed the thoroughly girl pleasure of shopping for wedding dresses last night. Now, before you all have a heart attack and think that I’ve suddenly up and met a boy and decided to get married, let me just say that it was for a girl in my youth group. (She’s a bit older than the rest of the girls.) Her parents are missionaries in Thailand, and her fiancĂ© is still finishing up school in Thailand, but she’s in Calgary, working, and quite alone, so it is my very great pleasure to help her with wedding plans, and particularly, in the absence of her mom and sister, to take her shopping for wedding dresses. So, we went to a dress shop, and she tried a couple on. We have plans to hit a few more stores after church on Sunday. After the dress shop, we headed for the local chapters, plopped ourselves down in the magazine aisle and looked at bridal magazines. Money is tight for her right now, so I treated her to a couple just for fun, because every girl deserves to have girly wedding magazines to flip through for ideas.

I mentioned to a friend earlier in the week that I was excited about shopping for a dress with this other friend, and the first friend thought I was being sarcastic. Apparently, since I’m not particularly interested in dropping everything in my life to find a guy and get married right this second, I’ve developed a reputation for not being into the really girly stuff like wedding plans. Hello! I’m still female, and I love to indulge my girly side once in a while. Plus, who better to help plan a wedding than someone who worked as a gift registry and wedding consultant for two years? So there!

And with that, I’m back to work, if my boss gets here soon, and finishes her stuff…