- Miss Vickie's Sweet Chili & Sour Cream potato chips
- Pomegranate green tea
- Cooked my first new recipe for the month of May tonight at Mom and Dad's house
- A hug from my mom
- a quiet evening with my parents, cooking, visiting, and just generally feeling the reassurance that family offers in a way other people don't.
Wednesday, May 05, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 265
Today's Daily 5:
Messy
I think I recoil from being the messy one.
It's ironic, really. I've advocated for the value of honest and messy for years now.
But I have an aversion to it, too, from all those years of depression.
A learned response to being the person others drew back from.
It wasn't their fault, or mine. But it was and is hard to remember that.
That it wasn't me they were retreating from, so much as the questions and uncertainties my own issues raised within them.
The questions the seemingly unanswered prayers for help and healing raised.
I know about those questions. I lived them too.
But it's left me with a seeming aversion to messy.
I get tired of it quickly.
The emotional valleys. The swinging moods. The tears.
I hesitate to share it.
I tell myself that that is out of concern for others. I'd rather not stir their questions.
But more selfishly, I'd rather others not see my own questions, my own brokenness.
And I fear, too, a return to depression.
I have trouble leaning into, trusting, the promise of Romans, "The gifts of God are irrevocable."
Even my healing.
And I hide.
From myself.
And others.
I'm needing to make peace with messy again.
To remind myself of extenuating circumstances.
To lean into trusting.
To believe that this, too, shall pass.
To hope.
I started thinking about all of this simply because of a stupid goal.
I'd like to go a full day, sometime in the next week, without bursting into sobs.
Because I'd feel more together if I did that.
Less messy.
Time to reconcile with messy again, apparently.
It's never pretty, but sometimes so necessary.
It's ironic, really. I've advocated for the value of honest and messy for years now.
But I have an aversion to it, too, from all those years of depression.
A learned response to being the person others drew back from.
It wasn't their fault, or mine. But it was and is hard to remember that.
That it wasn't me they were retreating from, so much as the questions and uncertainties my own issues raised within them.
The questions the seemingly unanswered prayers for help and healing raised.
I know about those questions. I lived them too.
But it's left me with a seeming aversion to messy.
I get tired of it quickly.
The emotional valleys. The swinging moods. The tears.
I hesitate to share it.
I tell myself that that is out of concern for others. I'd rather not stir their questions.
But more selfishly, I'd rather others not see my own questions, my own brokenness.
And I fear, too, a return to depression.
I have trouble leaning into, trusting, the promise of Romans, "The gifts of God are irrevocable."
Even my healing.
And I hide.
From myself.
And others.
I'm needing to make peace with messy again.
To remind myself of extenuating circumstances.
To lean into trusting.
To believe that this, too, shall pass.
To hope.
I started thinking about all of this simply because of a stupid goal.
I'd like to go a full day, sometime in the next week, without bursting into sobs.
Because I'd feel more together if I did that.
Less messy.
Time to reconcile with messy again, apparently.
It's never pretty, but sometimes so necessary.
Really Good Stuff
It seemed like there was a plethora of good stuff out there in the blogging world today, as I made my morning rounds.
Stuff I liked included:
Seth Godin's post on consumer debt. Amen and amen. I did some calculating on the weekend, and, given my soon to be carless state, and assuming (a big assumption right now) that there aren't some sudden changes to my living arrangements, I will be out of debt (except for my student loans) within a year. That, even despite how crappy the situation is that is bringing it about, brought a huge smile to my face.
The post at Homestead Revival on the family budget. Let me just be clear - I have no intention whatsoever of raising chickens or goats to save money. (These would actually likely cost me money, since I rarely eat eggs and I don't drink milk.) I probably wouldn't use a lot of her listed tips. But, I like the idea of living more naturally and saving money while doing so.
The "Equal Weight" post at Gitzen Girl. I've only been reading Sara's blog for a little while, but I've come to appreciate her words, and I look forward to the moment when my blog reader lets me know that there's a new post up and ready to be enjoyed. And not just because I'm absolutely in love (given my daily 5 lists and ongoing goals for the year) with her tagline of "Choose Joy." I particularly liked this post today because of the message it spoke to. Yes, take risks, but consider them, too. I feel like that's a concept I've been weighing this last week as I've navigated the loss of a car that is coming within the next few days. What are the things that are positive in this? And am I letting myself properly grieve the losses too?
Today's "Serious Wednesday" post at Stuff Christians Like. Because I'm definitely guilty of resisting rest. I talked about that yesterday while reflecting on my friend's reminder to be gentle with myself. And because I'm in the process of figuring out a way to really set aside a much needed day or two to just rest sometime this month.
Stuff I liked included:
Seth Godin's post on consumer debt. Amen and amen. I did some calculating on the weekend, and, given my soon to be carless state, and assuming (a big assumption right now) that there aren't some sudden changes to my living arrangements, I will be out of debt (except for my student loans) within a year. That, even despite how crappy the situation is that is bringing it about, brought a huge smile to my face.
The post at Homestead Revival on the family budget. Let me just be clear - I have no intention whatsoever of raising chickens or goats to save money. (These would actually likely cost me money, since I rarely eat eggs and I don't drink milk.) I probably wouldn't use a lot of her listed tips. But, I like the idea of living more naturally and saving money while doing so.
The "Equal Weight" post at Gitzen Girl. I've only been reading Sara's blog for a little while, but I've come to appreciate her words, and I look forward to the moment when my blog reader lets me know that there's a new post up and ready to be enjoyed. And not just because I'm absolutely in love (given my daily 5 lists and ongoing goals for the year) with her tagline of "Choose Joy." I particularly liked this post today because of the message it spoke to. Yes, take risks, but consider them, too. I feel like that's a concept I've been weighing this last week as I've navigated the loss of a car that is coming within the next few days. What are the things that are positive in this? And am I letting myself properly grieve the losses too?
Today's "Serious Wednesday" post at Stuff Christians Like. Because I'm definitely guilty of resisting rest. I talked about that yesterday while reflecting on my friend's reminder to be gentle with myself. And because I'm in the process of figuring out a way to really set aside a much needed day or two to just rest sometime this month.
I Like Lemons, what else you got?
For the last week or so, I've been thinking about a quote that I read in the first of the "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" novels a number of years ago. Each chapter in that book started with a quote of some sort or other, and one chapter started with the following quote:
"If life hands you lemons, say, 'I like lemons. What else you got?'" (Henry Rollins)
Along the same lines, the following quote appeared in my email this morning:
"If life gives you limes, make margaritas." (Jimmy Buffett)
I've definitely had my share of lemons (or limes!) this last week. Like I wrote yesterday, it has seemed at times that the world has been conspiring against me. I was thinking about that supposed conspiracy again this morning as I trekked through the inch or so of snow that fell overnight again.
And yet, that quote has come to mind over and over.
"I like lemons. What else you got?"
Let's ignore for a moment that I actually don't really like lemon (or limes, or margaritas for that matter!), and focus on the sentiment.
Even in this, find joy.
Even in this, give thanks.
In my saner moments, I can do that.
I had been contemplating reducing my driving as much as possible anyway, because driving stresses me out, and because city transit really is better for the environment.
For the first time in my life, I'd been enjoying taking the train and bus. Finding transit a good place to think and rest and read.
The day before I got the call about my insurance, I bought an iphone, to make transit an even better experience.
I've felt cushioned at moments, from this latest blow.
Sort of at peace. In a moment when being at peace doesn't make sense.
That being said, my mom is back in town, and tonight, (if last night with my baby brother is any indication), I'll likely cry my eyes out in disappointment and exhaustion. Probably as soon as I hear her voice and collect a hug.
And then, then I'm going to pull myself back together, and try again to adopt the "I like lemons, what else you got?" attitude that I feel like Jesus has been placing before me for the last week and a bit.
I'll remind myself that every day is a day closer to feeling physically better as my medication has time to readjust my hormone levels to a manageable state. I'll remind myself that I'm only a couple days from a weekend, and I can do some sleeping and resting. I'll choose again to celebrate the happy things. And I'll probably pull my iphone out of my pocket and check my email or facebook. Because doing that on the go, anywhere I am, is still bringing a guaranteed smile to my face.
"If life hands you lemons, say, 'I like lemons. What else you got?'" (Henry Rollins)
Along the same lines, the following quote appeared in my email this morning:
"If life gives you limes, make margaritas." (Jimmy Buffett)
I've definitely had my share of lemons (or limes!) this last week. Like I wrote yesterday, it has seemed at times that the world has been conspiring against me. I was thinking about that supposed conspiracy again this morning as I trekked through the inch or so of snow that fell overnight again.
And yet, that quote has come to mind over and over.
"I like lemons. What else you got?"
Let's ignore for a moment that I actually don't really like lemon (or limes, or margaritas for that matter!), and focus on the sentiment.
Even in this, find joy.
Even in this, give thanks.
In my saner moments, I can do that.
I had been contemplating reducing my driving as much as possible anyway, because driving stresses me out, and because city transit really is better for the environment.
For the first time in my life, I'd been enjoying taking the train and bus. Finding transit a good place to think and rest and read.
The day before I got the call about my insurance, I bought an iphone, to make transit an even better experience.
I've felt cushioned at moments, from this latest blow.
Sort of at peace. In a moment when being at peace doesn't make sense.
That being said, my mom is back in town, and tonight, (if last night with my baby brother is any indication), I'll likely cry my eyes out in disappointment and exhaustion. Probably as soon as I hear her voice and collect a hug.
And then, then I'm going to pull myself back together, and try again to adopt the "I like lemons, what else you got?" attitude that I feel like Jesus has been placing before me for the last week and a bit.
I'll remind myself that every day is a day closer to feeling physically better as my medication has time to readjust my hormone levels to a manageable state. I'll remind myself that I'm only a couple days from a weekend, and I can do some sleeping and resting. I'll choose again to celebrate the happy things. And I'll probably pull my iphone out of my pocket and check my email or facebook. Because doing that on the go, anywhere I am, is still bringing a guaranteed smile to my face.
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