Bittersweet: Mourning the Loss and Celebrating, Too

This morning I paid off my line of credit.  And then promptly cried.  Hard.

It wasn't exactly the reaction I was expecting on finding myself suddenly free from all debt except for my student loans.  But it was the reaction that came.

There is a huge sense of relief in having that debt disappear.  It frees up a significant chunk of money each month.  That in itself is a blessing since I don't have income coming in at the moment.  And the weight of knowing that I was in debt, that's gone too.

But it made me ache, too, for a number of reasons.

The first is this.  I had the money to pay off my debt because I lost my job.  For the years I was employed at the company that dismissed me in May, a mandatory portion of my paycheque was deducted and matched by the company and put into an RRSP fund that I couldn't access.  Because I lost my job in a way that some days still makes me ache a little, I could now access those funds, and I made the decision to do so in the hope that paying off the debt would be a huge financial help in the midst of the financially tighter time that has come from being so unexpectedly unemployed, and that I face as I face the reality that I will be a student for the next several years, and certainly not enjoying the relative degree of financial independence that I had while employed full time in a decent paying job.

The second reason for feeling bittersweet is the harder one, and it is the one that prompted tears.  The debt that I paid off came from a time nearly three years ago now, when I followed what I believed (and believe) was God's prompting, and then watched as nearly everything in life that I'd been certain of disintegrated around me.  The debt came as unexpected costs of travel meant that I bought groceries on my credit card to ensure that a rent cheque would clear.  It came from flights and rental cars as I traveled to various locales both to maintain my sanity (in part by collecting hugs from a dear friend) and to work to patch up rifts that seemed to grow ever larger.  I don't regret spending the money on those things, and they were my choice, but the debt, and now, the ending of it, is a reminder of the many things and relationships in which my heart was deeply invested that now seem lost to me.  It was a reminder of the cost, and somehow, the end of it makes that cost seem so much more final.

I'm not sure exactly how to explain it, but this cartoon from a blog I love, ASBO Jesus struck me as I thought about all of this today.  I laughed, hard, and a bit ruefully as I considered it.

In some ways I feel like parts of myself were lost over the last years.  And somehow paying off the debt was a reminder of those losses, and the tears a pause again to recognize them.

And yet, I am becoming more whole each day.  I choose to believe that.  That healing is coming in new and special ways.  That being free from debt opens doors even as it seems to in some ways close others.  And if I get to choose (and I increasingly believe I do), then that is what I'm going to focus on.  New beginnings, even as I pause to mourn the loss.

Really Good Stuff

It seemed like there was a plethora of good stuff out there in the blogging world today, as I made my morning rounds.

Stuff I liked included:

Seth Godin's post on consumer debt.  Amen and amen.  I did some calculating on the weekend, and, given my soon to be carless state, and assuming (a big assumption right now) that there aren't some sudden changes to my living arrangements, I will be out of debt (except for my student loans) within a year.  That, even despite how crappy the situation is that is bringing it about, brought a huge smile to my face.

The post at Homestead Revival on the family budget.  Let me just be clear - I have no intention whatsoever of raising chickens or goats to save money.  (These would actually likely cost me money, since I rarely eat eggs and I don't drink milk.)  I probably wouldn't use a lot of her listed tips.  But, I like the idea of living more naturally and saving money while doing so.

The "Equal Weight" post at Gitzen Girl.  I've only been reading Sara's blog for a little while, but I've come to appreciate her words, and I look forward to the moment when my blog reader lets me know that there's a new post up and ready to be enjoyed.  And not just because I'm absolutely in love (given my daily 5 lists and ongoing goals for the year) with her tagline of "Choose Joy."  I particularly liked this post today because of the message it spoke to.  Yes, take risks, but consider them, too.  I feel like that's a concept I've been weighing this last week as I've navigated the loss of a car that is coming within the next few days.  What are the things that are positive in this?  And am I letting myself properly grieve the losses too?

Today's "Serious Wednesday" post at Stuff Christians Like.  Because I'm definitely guilty of resisting rest.  I talked about that yesterday while reflecting on my friend's reminder to be gentle with myself.  And because I'm in the process of figuring out a way to really set aside a much needed day or two to just rest sometime this month.

The Scoop

So, here's the scoop.

My parents will loan me the money to buy another beater car.  Which is more debt, but very arguably very necessary debt at this point, since we're all agreed that three hours a day on transit is not a practical solution to my transportation needs.

I'm going to move into my Grandma's basement.  It is by no means my ideal situation, but it's doable for a while.  Especially if I paint the room I'm moving into (it's currently covered in very dark wood paneling, and isn't super well lit, so a coat of white or off white paint will work wonders) - and Grandma said I could paint.  The room is large, and at the back of the basement, and will give me space to still set up my couch/loveseat so I can have friends over, as well as having an open area in front where I can put my table and chairs (since I often have friends come for dinner).

It will be interesting to see how it goes, since my grandma and I are about as opposite in personality as humanly possible.  She is maybe the most chatty person alive, loves being with people, talks on the phone for hours, is very nosy, and likes to know everything about everyone she ever meets.  She can also give you all the details on the life of someone she ran into at the grocery store the other day who you may have met, once, or whose sibling you went to school with some thirty years prior.  I on the other hand, am an introvert who LOVES silence and privacy - lots of silence and privacy.  This personality conflict was the biggest reason I was hesitating to move in in the first place, and it will definitely be the largest challenge of living there.

To be honest, I'm still a bit discouraged and angry at how things have played out.  Mostly just frustrated at the loss of a car, but also a little frustrated to have to give up this apartment.  Of the three places I've lived since moving out of my parent's home, this has definitely been my favorite, the most convenient for my work commute, and for my life in general.  I've really loved living here, and it's hard to give that up.

I'd already been mostly planning to live with Grandma.  It was the idea that wouldn't go away as I mulled and prayed over what on earth I was going to do when L's visa expired and she had to leave the country.  Especially as each of the options for replacement roommates that had seemed so certain fell away.  So, in that sense, I'm confident that this is a "right" step.  I guess I'm struggling with the "my will vs. God's leading" conundrum.  Because this "right step" is most certainly NOT the one I would have chosen.

Living with Grandma makes economic sense as well.  I will save probably somewhere between 100 and 150 dollars a month in expenses - money that can go towards debt to pay it off sooner and set me free.  Or money that can pay the likely increase in my car insurance payment thanks to another accident on my record.  I guess it's hard for me, though, because I am far more of a dreamer than a person who wants to live with the reality of numbers, and living at Grandma's is definitely going to be a challenging sacrifice for the sake of my finances.

To be fair, I'm not afraid to admit that these circumstances are somewhat of my own making.  It was my choices that led to the debt that means I can't afford my own place.  And it is my choice in how I handle this next season, waiting and paying down debt, and moving forward.  I know that these things are mine alone to own.  But I'm struggling a little with that too.  Because it would be nice to blame the debt on the circumstances that led to my spending.  On some of the disasters of life in the last couple of years that meant I relied on my credit card for groceries in order that I could make a rent payment from my chequing account, or that left me devastated and looking to buy happiness wherever I could.  But I made those choices - the attempted purchases of happiness especially.

To quote the irritating old saying, "I made the bed, and now I've got to lie in it."  (Which is really a horrible saying, and quite ruins the beauty I enjoy each week of making my bed with freshly washed sheets and then crawling into it at the end of the night!)

So.  In the next month, here's what's happening in my life.

• I need to pack all of the belongings in the current apartment, relocate them to Grandma's basement, and unpack them there.
• I need to get a Grandma approved paint color, some primer, and paint the incredibly dark 1970s wood paneling to a lighter and more liveable shade of white or beige.  (So thankful that all of my furniture is a nice bright white color as that will help immensely as well!)
• I need to shop (with my dad's help) for a replacement for George at some sort of affordable price.
• I also need to tackle the challenge of getting back behind the wheel of a car again.
• I will be involved in wedding planning with my brother and L.
• I'll be working full time, and planning a major conference for work, to take place in early April, just after Easter.
• I'll be hoping and praying my body gets back to normal post accident.

Those are just the immediate and major tasks.  There's quite a lot of them to be honest.

That's the scoop.  I'm still tired and frustrated.  I'm working on readjusting my expectations to what my new reality is going to be.  I'm a bit overwhelmed at the seeming enormity of the tasks in front of me, especially at a time when I know that I'm not physically well (I was still having health problems before the accident, and I've now compounded them.)  I'm working at finding that peace again.  At accepting what the next section of my life is going to look like.