Monday, October 18, 2010

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 64

Today's Daily 5:
  1. Having an apology accepted
  2. eating a banana for breakfast
  3. An unexpected phone call from a friend on a really rough morning, inviting me out to lunch
  4. an email from another friend that reminded me that I am loved
  5. another email reminded me I am being prayed for and taking steps towards being really free
  6. lunch and prayer with a dear friend
  7. sunbeams
  8. basil mayo and Mediterranean flat bread at the restaurant for lunch
  9. learning a new word in Spanish
  10. a long hot shower
  11. leftover Chinese take-out for supper
  12. dropping off a few resumes and getting an almost immediate call scheduling an interview for Wednesday afternoon
  13. a day that was so much better than it seemed it would be upon waking
  14. really great service (above and beyond) at the Blacks Photo location I went to to get photos printed
  15. complimentary printed photos because of issues I'd been having with the website for Blacks this last week
  16. lighting candles
  17. spending a chunk of time sticking photos of people I love and of moments that are happy memories to a wall where I can see them easily.

Limbo

If I could take back the last hour and a half, I would.

Sometimes this living my entire life in limbo business catches up to me, and exhaustion piles up, and I stay stuff I regret.

out loud.  to people I love.

this was one of those nights, the sort of ridiculous capper on a day that actually wasn't too bad.

honestly, after moments like this I contemplate life as a hermit, and battle against feeling convinced that I don't fit in any sort of polite company.

and I speak out of this place of limbo.

and out of a place where the longer the limbo lasts, the more invisible and discouraged I feel at times.

and I battle some long held thought patterns.  lies mostly.

thankfully with a bit more help than I used to have. 

tonight I am reminding myself that I'm not a total disaster all of the time.

that for most of today I was not an emotional basket case (or that I at least didn't share my basket-case like feelings with the world at large.)

that not every day will be like this.

that I am taking steps in my life to make this better.

but today, right this minute, with tears running down my face, after having another tired, emotional and angry conversation with someone I love, I feel just a bit helpless and hopeless and alone.

and living in limbo feels like hell.