Whispers?

I freely admit that I don't do a very good job of distinguishing God's voice from my own thoughts. In fact, I'm probably pretty bad at it, and, at the times when it's blatantly clear, I have been known to ignore it because I did not like what He was asking of me.

I had a weird day yesterday. Sort of full of whispers - maybe God, maybe me, but I think they were Him. I'm left feeling slightly raw inside, not sure where I'm going next. Wanting to hear Him, but hurting badly because of the places in my life that he's touching.

I had an ongoing conversation with Him through the day. It really started the night before. Because of the trouble I have sleeping, I have long chosen to fall asleep with some sort of sound playing in my ear, something to distract my mind and trick it into sleep. Now, most people use music, but I have long found that a book on tape, or a sermon, or a speech - something of the spoken variety - works far better. I can't remember the last time I fell asleep to music - I was probably a very small child. But, on Monday night, the book I've been playing over and over lately (Prince Caspian) just wasn't quite cutting it, and the strong desire in my gut was to listen to David Crowder's latest CD, starting about halfway through. So I did, and I slept! Weird.

I got up yesterday morning, and on a whim tossed a copy of The Messsage New Testament into my school bag. Now, you need to know that I don't usually read anything to identifiably "Biblical" or "Christian" on public transit. I'm embarrassed, and that's not something I'm proud of, but it's true. But, yesterday, on my way to school, I decided to read some of the NT. So, I flipped around for a while, but eventually ended up in Colossians. Now, I'd read Colossians in this particular copy of The Message at some previous time, and underlined quite a number of passages. And it grabbed me again yesterday.

"We pray that you'll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul - not the grim strength of gritting your teeth, but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enought to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us....So spacious is he, so roomy, that everything of God finds its proper place in him without crowding. Not only that, but all the broken and dislocated pieces of the universe - people and things, animals and atoms - get properly fixed and fit together in vibrant harmonies, all because of his death, his blood that poured down from the Cross....I want you woven into a tapestry of love, in touch with everything there is to know of God. Then you will have minds confident and at rest, focused on Christ...My counsel for you is simple and straightforward: Just go ahead with what you've been given. You received Christ Jesus, the Master; now LIVE him. You're deeply rooted in him. You're well constructed upon him. You know your way around the faith. Now do what you've been taught. School's out; quit studying the subject and start LIVING it! And let your living spill over into thanksgiving...Entering into this fullness is not something you figure out or achieve...No, you're already IN - insiders - not through some secretive initiation rite but rather trhough what Christ has already gone through for you, destroying the power of sin... So if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, ACT like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ - that's where the action is. See things from HIS perspective...Let every detail in your lives - words, actions, whatever - be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way."

Different parts of this passage haunted my steps yesterday, particularly the parts I put in bold for you. And I prayed - an ongoing kind of thing through my day. It's been a long time since that happened. And it felt weird. And like I said, I struggled with distinguishing God's voice from my own thoughts, but there were raw nerves being touched. Old wounds popped up unexpectedly - grief that I thought was long gone from a death in our family several years ago... it was a strange kind of day.

So, I hopped on the bus home, still praying a bit, but reading a novel this time. And the bus took an hour and a half instead of 45 minutes because it was the first snowfall of any consequence, and the traffic was horrific. I got home at 4:45, and I had to leave my house at 5:30 to pick up the carload of girls that I drive to house church on Tuesday nights. So I left. What normally takes me 20-30 minutes took an hour and a half yesterday. By the time I picked them up and drove the rest of the way, I'd been driving for two and a half hours - for what should have taken less than an hour.

I sat and stewed while I drove. Particularly for the first hour and a half that I was by myself. I was not a happy camper when I arrived.

Now, here's the crazy part. I never leave my cell phone on on Tuesday nights - I don't want to be distrubed during house church. But, last night, for whatever reason, I couldn't bring myself to turn it off. So I switched it to vibrate and went on with the night. Except that I got another crisis call. Okay, it was God that had me leave my phone on. I was able to take the call in the midst of people praying for me and for my friend (who's also a part of our house church).

My whole day - crazy. It makes me tired, this being available to God. I've haven't been this emotionally drained in a very long time. I mostly feel overwhelmed. God touching raw nerves in my life, then handing me friends in mid-crisis. In my better moments, I can laugh. But mostly I'm a little overwhelmed.

Novemeber 1st. The date is etched in my memory because of some of the crazy God circumstances. When I sat in a car that night and talked for hours with a friend, I finally gave in to God, and began to allow his healing in my life. I was willing to give in because I was so desperately frustrated, and because people I love and trust were saying things to me that were both confirming and terrifying. "God is calling you to heal people, Lisa. But you need to find healing first." The things God was telling me and I was trying to ignore. So, I allowed my friend to lead me before God. And God started to work. And it was good. But that tiny little moment of healing did not prepare me for the way the rest of this month has played out. Because I have kept being bombarded by God touching raw places in my life - and then I get a phone call, or see a friend, and suddenly I am picking up the pieces of their lives, while my own life is in tatters around me. I was griping about this to another friend recently, and he laughed at me "God doesn't really care if we feel equipped - he just wants to use us." Okay then. So, most days I laugh because it seems so ridiculous that it could only be God. But I am at the same time overwhelmed with the responsibility that he has entrusted to me while my life is still in so many pieces.

So, God, I'm still here. And my life is still open for you to use. But I need your strength - your glory-strength. Because right now I'm gritting my teeth and hanging on for dear life. Fit all those broken pieces together in the vibrant harmony you promised. Fit my pieces together, and J.'s pieces together and M.'s pieces together. We are longing for something more. And I long to live simply for You. To not be distracted. To easily distinguish your voice. Draw me ever closer. Help me Jesus.