Flander's Fields

Image via Wikipedia

It's kind of a tradition for me to post the following classic war poem on Remembrance Day. I've been thinking a lot more than usual about the importance of pausing to remember this year. The particular religious group that I work for refuses to acknowledge Remembrance Day, or participate in the national poppy campaign to raise money for veterans. They are pacifists, and argue that acknowledging this holiday legitimizes and glorifies war. I feel just the opposite - that while I generally hold pacifist principles, it is the contribution of those who fought that lets me hold those principles. So, this year, like each and every other year, I present to you, "Flander's Fields" by John McCrae and "We Shall Keep the Faith" by Moina Michael.

In Flanders Fields

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep,
though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

We Shall Keep the Faith

Oh! you who sleep in Flanders Fields,
Sleep sweet - to rise anew!
We caught the torch you threw
And holding high, we keep the Faith
With All who died.

We cherish, too, the poppy red
That grows on fields where valor led;
It seems to signal to the skies
That blood of heroes never dies,
But lends a lustre to the red
Of the flower that blooms above the dead
In Flanders Fields.

And now the Torch and Poppy Red
We wear in honor of our dead.
Fear not that ye have died for naught;
We'll teach the lesson that ye wrought
In Flanders Fields.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Daily 5 - Day 90

I have this friend who loves the number 9. Because of her, I always think reaching milestones like 90 days of showing up here and making a list of things I'm grateful for, or basically any milestone with a 9 in it, are good ones!

So, here's today's Daily 5 (or more):

1. Talking on skype (even with some technical difficulties) for about an hour with A. tonight, and having time to pray together as well
2. A nice quiet day at work
3. Listening to some good preaching while I signed Christmas cards at my desk for an hour or two this afternoon
4. A grocery shopping trip that was relatively calm (something I actually prayed would be true in the time I lay awake before rising this morning)
5. Another night of getting yoga done (2 more days left in this 4 day exercise cycle)
6. getting to turn off my alarm for tomorrow morning, since tomorrow is a holiday for me
7. shared humor with a friend
8. home made cookies from the weekend
9. pizza for dinner, and leftover pizza for a later night blogging snack
10. reaching ninety days of showing up and writing a list like this of things I'm grateful for, or things that are making me smile.
    

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Fond Childhood Reading Memories - the Giant Pink Sea Snail...

Did you ever read the Dr. Dolittle books? Not the Eddy Murphy modernized movie versions, but the classic children's books set in England? I read them all as a child, and loved each and every one of them. There was something fascinating to me about the round little doctor who used to doctor humans, before he learned to speak various animal languages and found doctoring animals to be so much better work.

I was thinking about those books just now, because a favorite scene popped into my head.

I have no idea what stirred the memory, but I was thinking about the scene where Dr. Dolittle and his entourage are ferried beneath the sea by the giant pink sea snail. The details are blurry in my head, but I remember being fascinated by the idea of this snail, and traveling safely to the other side of the sea within it's shell. There is this image of warm and cozy pinkness engrained in my memory, imparted somehow as I read.

A funny, fond memory to rest in this afternoon as I sit at my desk puttering. Childhood reading has left me with such fond memories, and it's always fun when a particularly fond, if somewhat random one such as this springs to mind. Especially since one usually leads to another... As a voracious reader that read close to 200 books some years as a child, there are so many fond memories of escaping into various literary worlds. (I'm already pondering Pippy Longstocking memories, and others from there...)

3 From Henri

A variety of thoughts from Henri Nouwen's writings that have arrived in my email inbox over the last while.

The Garden of the Saints

The Church is a very human organization but also the garden of God's grace. It is a place where great sanctity keeps blooming. Saints are people who make the living Christ visible to us in a special way. Some saints have given their lives in the service of Christ and his Church; others have spoken and written words that keep nurturing us; some have lived heroically in difficult situations; others have remained hidden in quiet lives of prayer and meditation; some were prophetic voices calling for renewal; others were spiritual strategists setting up large organizations or networks of people; some were healthy and strong; others were quite sick, and often anxious and insecure.

But all of them in their own ways lived in the Church as in a garden where they heard the voice calling them the Beloved and where they found the courage to make Jesus the center of their lives.

The Weakest in the Center

The most honored parts of the body are not the head or the hands, which lead and control. The most important parts are the least presentable parts. That's the mystery of the Church. As a people called out of oppression to freedom, we must recognize that it is the weakest among us - the elderly, the small children, the handicapped, the mentally ill, the hungry and sick - who form the real center. Paul says, "It is the parts of the body which we consider least dignified, that we surround with the greatest dignity" (1 Corinthians 12:23).

The Church as the people of God can truly embody of the living Christ among us only when the poor remain its most treasured part. Care for the poor, therefore, is much more than Christian charity. It is the essence of being the body of Christ.

The Communion of Saints

We often limit the Church to the organisation of people who identify themselves clearly as its members. But the Church as all people belonging to Christ, as that body of witnesses who reveal the living Christ, reaches far beyond the boundaries of any human institution. As Jesus himself said: The Spirit "blows where it pleases" (John 3:8). The Spirit of Jesus can touch hearts wherever it wants; it is not restrained by any human limits.

There is a communion of saints witnessing to the risen Christ that reaches to the far ends of the world and even farther. It embraces people from long ago and far away. It is that immense community of men and women who through words and deeds have proclaimed and are proclaiming the Lordship of Jesus.

30

Today is my parent's 30th wedding anniversary. Sort of a big milestone. If I know them, they'll go out together tonight to celebrate.

I'm grateful today for parents that have modeled love and commitment to each other through some really hard times. That they have stuck together and grown to know and love each other more.

And I'm grateful for the myriad of little ways that they share that love with my brothers and I as well.

One of the greeting cards I made last night on my brief creative spree was for mom and dad. I'll deliver it tomorrow when I'm at their house for some other appointments.

In the meantime, though, congratulations, Mom and Dad, on 30 years!

Daily 5 - Day 89

Today's Daily 5 (or more):

1. the gift of a dozen multi-colored roses from a friend, to remind me that I'm cared about
2. the smell (all day long) of those same roses filling my office
3. a nice quiet day at work
4. taking time tonight to make some cards - pretty basic, but it's been a long time since I took the time to do something even kind of creative
5. finally taking the time to paint my fingernails and toenails and to put a mask on my face (it's been way too long since I stopped to give myself that little bit of extra attention)
6. accomplishing a number of things on my "to do" list
7. plans for the week slowly coming together
8. listening to Jason Upton this morning and revisiting some long ago promises and callings and being reminded that God is faithful to keep his promises
9. getting day 1 of yoga for this week accomplished
10. getting out of the office for a little while this morning to run an errand for the company. (I love that my job sometimes encompasses errands... I've always been the errand queen, so it's fun to get paid time for some now!)
    

Monday, November 09, 2009

Let me live until I die...

I have a quote to share from the calendar that sits on my desk (a gift from a dear friend)...

"When I first found out I had cancer, I didn't know what to pray for. I didn't know if I should pray for healing or life or death. Then I found peace in praying for what my folks call 'God's perfect will.' As it evolved, my prayer has become, 'Lord, let me live until I die.' By that, I mean I want to live, love, and serve fully until death comes. If that prayer is answere,...how long really doesn't matter." (Sister Thea Bowman)

I loved that! "Let me live until I die." A great sentiment, I think.

A Few Links

I've been following this blog for quite some time. Their youngest son, Stellan, is undergoing heart surgery right now. Check the blog, or follow MckMama on twitter here. I'm definitely praying for them today.

This post on forgiveness caught my attention given some of the things I've been working through recently.

And, apparently I'm responsible and dependable. (Kind of funny how true some of the description is.)

Monday Morning...

The drive in to work this morning was helpful. I listened to some Jason Upton songs that I hadn't listened to in quite some time. Songs that Jesus has spoken through for very specific situations in the past. It was good to remember those moments and promises.

Work this week should be nice and quiet. Three of the four management team members are out of town on business. Two of those three are the ones that tend to stir conflicts and tension within the office. With all of them gone, the office should be quite peaceful this week.

A coworker and friend discovered via facebook and my blog yesterday that it had been a pretty rough day. I was surprised and delighted when she showed up at my office this morning and delivered a bouquet of multi-colored roses, telling me that I'm loved and cared about. I was delighted both because it's nice to be surprised like that, but also because they were roses. With my new, tighter budget, I've been walking past the roses in the floral section of the grocery store for weeks now, unable to justify the cost of having one of the few flowers I really love in my house on any kind of regular basis. My office smells wonderful this morning, thanks to the roses, and every time I glance up, they are bringing a smile to my face.

And with that, I've got schtuff to do! A number of things that need to be accomplished today.

So, I'm off to do those things!

Daily 5 - Day 88

Today's Daily 5 (or 10):

1. A number of hugs from my mom
2. The understanding of L, my brother's girlfriend, when I discussed how my day had been going
3. a really honest (even if I'm feeling very awkward about it now) conversation at church this morning
4. My brother J. (we don't have the best relationship) deliberately coming over to greet me before he left church this morning.
5. hugs from L, and a gentle back rub as I cried
6. thankfulness for an understanding roommate, who also hugged me when she emerged from her bedroom this morning to find me in tears (are you sensing a theme to my day???)
7. I'm incredibly thankful that not all my days are like today
8. Plans to go to the zoo on Wednesday with T and L. (someone asked me this morning what I was looking forward to right now, and I couldn't come up with anything I was so down... I'm really grateful to have something to look forward to!)
9. green beans from the farmer's market in the fridge waiting to be cooked. A gift from my mom, who is plying my hurting soul (and tight budget) with food this week.
10. that I am nearly at the end of the first two week budget cycle. That I resisted the urge to blow the effort I've put into that budget by shopping my blues away today. That though I'm still getting used to the restrictions, the budget seems to be laid out well enough to cover my needs, a few wants, and still let me make debt payments.
    

Sunday, November 08, 2009

When Satan Tempts Me to Despair

I didn't know what else to do with myself this morning, so I attended the church I grew up in. It was both the last place on earth that I wanted to be, and the only place I wanted to be. There were lots of people I didn't want to see, who I knew I would need to put on a happy face for (a challenge given that I was in full blown tears 7 times before noon today!). But I also knew my mom would be there, and my dad, and my brother T., and his girlfriend L. That if I went there, there would be a few people with whom I wouldn't need to wear a mask, and few who would offer hugs.

I couldn't really put on a happy face. I told a few people I was FINE (a very useful acronym my mom gave me, that I'm not going to write out just at the moment.) I was way more honest than I intended with another person. Thankfully a person to whom it turned out to be safe to be that honest. And I was grateful when she thanked me for my honesty, because now she knew how she could be praying. I was grateful that L simply asked how I was doing, and knew by looking at my face. That she wrapped an arm around me as the tears came yet again, and rubbed my back. That she listened quietly and understood a little.

T was leading worship this morning, and L was a member of his worship team. And in those moments, as they sang, and I surreptitiously wiped away the tears that were spilling over constantly, Jesus met me.

These lyrics struck deeply this morning:

When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end of all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free.
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me.

You can find the whole song here, but it was this verse that caught at my heart this morning.

It was definitely a morning, maybe even a day of feeling that despair.

A week ago today I celebrated four years depression free. Today I can tell you that I am in the midst of an incredible battle for my health and sanity, and quite a lot of the time recently I've felt that it was a losing battle.

And I stood there this morning, listening to the promises of those lyrics, and wondering how on earth I would manage to look up. Because it isn't that I haven't known that I needed to look up, to somehow find Jesus' eyes with mine, it's been the battle to be able to look up. I have at times quite literally felt as if my forehead was pinned to the floor. That the fear and the anger and the hatred and the despair that I have so wrestled with were forcibly covering my eyes, turning my head away from Jesus' eyes that I've so desperately needed to meet.

This may be the fight of my life right now. But it is one that I am somehow determined to win. Because existing in this space is just not an option anymore. It's not working. It hasn't worked for quite some time now. And I come back over and over to the question Jesus asked the lame man at the pool, "Do you want to be well?"

I really, really, want to be well.

Really Not Okay

I'm really struggling this morning.

One of those days when it feels like the whole world is crashing in, banging at the door, waiting to list your failures.

And yes, I know, I'm not a failure. I know that's a lie. But this morning, I feel like one. This morning I'm having a really hard time pushing that away.

So, I'm going out for a while. Because the thought of being at home by myself is just too much to bear right now. If I'm around people, I can, just temporarily, push the other stuff aside. I'll deal with it later. But right now, right in this moment, I can't face it. So I'm going out.

Daily 5 - Day 87

After my appointment this afternoon, I found myself feeling very tired. I had dinner with my parents and my brother and his girlfriend, and then decided to forgo church tonight in favor of a quiet evening of rest. I've basically had the evening I've been hoping to have for the last several Friday's to have and haven't been able to for various reasons.

Today's Daily 5:

1. I'm thankful that the technician was able to repair our internet connection again.
2. Spending a quiet evening doing what I'd hoped to do last night.
   
3. Red wine
4. Grey's Anatomy - and seeing God speak amidst that yet again
5. Eating the cookies I baked this morning
6. Sipping a cup of mango rooibos tea
7. feeling fairly peaceful
8. Thankful for an appointment today that seems to have gone well (praying these treatments will truly help)
9. Spending a chunk of the afternoon resting
10. magic bags - so great when you're tired and your muscles ache.
    

Saturday, November 07, 2009

The Titles Tell a Story...

It's clearly on record that I love Grey's Anatomy. I fell for it the first season it came out, and I've been watching ever since. Yes, it's a soap opera. I'm quite aware of that, thank you. But (and I know it sounds bizarre) I keep watching because God speaks to me quite regularly through the episodes, through the themes they explore, or especially through the voice over monologues that begin and end most episodes.

Lately, though the other things have still caught my attention, it's been the episode titles that have been telling a story. If you know me well, and know some of the things that have gone on in the last while, the titles of the last four episodes will likely make you chuckle. They tell a story about the journey I've been on as well.

Invasion

I Saw What I Saw

Give Peace a Chance

Invest in Love

Yep, they tell a story... one that I can't share all the details too, but let me just say that the progression made me chuckle when I noticed it tonight. Because it's a pretty accurate description of the way I've been journeying too. And of the places my heart has been, is, or is aspiring to be.

Saturday, Mid-Afternoon

I got the internet repaired this morning. I'm hoping that that means that I won't be having a visit from a telus technician every two weeks.

In about 2 hours I have a health appointment that I'm both nervous and excited about.

I'm debating the merits of attending church tonight, or simply coming home after my appointment and having the quiet evening of Grey's Anatomy and self-care that I'd had planned for last night.

So, we'll see how the evening goes.

But for the moment at least, I'm grateful to have my internet connection restored.

Daily 5 - Day 86

I apparently am having some trouble with this whole quiet Friday night to rest and catch up on Grey's Anatomy scenario. I got home from work to discover that the internet in our house is down. Again. So, I'm borrowing internet at mom and dad's again, and then I'm going shopping with my mom for a while before I head for home.

In the meantime, here's today's daily 5 (or so):

1. leftover frittata for dinner
2. knowing that I'm going home to a freshly washed towel, freshly washed sheets, and freshly washed pajamas
3. plans to try a new cookie recipe later (with almonds, which apparently I'm supposed to eat more of)
4. plans for a glass of red wine when I get home later
5. wearing jeans to work today
6. a quiet day at the office, where it didn't matter that my brain was less than fully awake (that is something to definitely be grateful for)
7. I'm grateful that, despite all the sickness floating around the office, I've managed to avoid it thus far.
8. getting an email telling me that my U2 tickets have been printed and are on their way to me
9. I'm thankful that my parents live nearby and I can "borrow" their internet signal while we're trying to sort the issues with mine out.
10. I'm thankful that this time my internet provider is sending someone to theoretically fix the problem by tomorrow afternoon. (Not holding my breath on that... but thankful for a next day appointment this time.)
    

Friday, November 06, 2009

A Long Week

It's been a long week. I was remarking to someone just this morning that it seems like forever ago that I purchased tickets to a U2 concert next summer. In reality it's been less than 4 days! (But oh it feels longer.)

I got an email today with the very fun subject line "Your Tickets Have Been Printed". They're in the mail! That email made me smile.

It's a struggle to get through the work day today. I think my whole department is feeling it. We've been pitching in to help another department meet a major deadline for a few weeks now, and we're just tired. No one is particularly motivated to work. None of us slept well last night. I think we're all just counting hours until the end of the day.

I'm definitely glad that it's Friday.

Friday!

I am incredibly glad that it is Friday. One more work day, and then I get a couple days to just rest. Here are some things that happen almost every week in my life (including today) and that make Friday great:

• Wearing jeans at work. (Today I'm also wearing a very cute top from Tibet with my jeans)
• Lunch with a coworker and friend (I think today's plan is Vietnamese)
• Friday is the day that my roommate is always out for the evening, guaranteeing me an evening to myself
• Friday is usually the day that I watch the current episodes of Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice for free, online
• Friday is also usually the day that I put some sort of clay masque on my face, and paint my finger and toe nails

This particular Friday holds the following specific pleasures:

• left over frittata and a glass of red wine for dinner
• followed by a slice of dulce de leche banana cream pie
• plans to simply rest and enjoy a happy Friday - last Friday was one of the worst days I've had in a long time, and I really missed having my solo quiet night off for myself.

Daily 5 - Day 85

Today's daily 5 (and bonuses as discussed yesterday!):

1. Lovely sunset driving home
2. A billboard that I noticed for the first time today that made me laugh in delight at God's blatant "hidden" messages to me. It read, "Joy is always in the forecast."
3. I'm thankful for a lunch meeting that was far less challenging and awkward than I anticipated, and that has perhaps opened possible doors for slowly reconnecting with a community of believers
4. Getting the major project that absolutely had to be finished today done at work. And even getting set up for next week's major project.
5. Managing to get the exercise I was trying for in, for four days in a row as suggested.
6. Pork and mango tacos for dinner, with a glass of wine
7. J providing chocolate fondue for dessert - fresh fruit dipped in rich, creamy chocolate with a bit of Baileys mixed in.
   
8. Laughter and girl talk as the three who lived together last year of us caught up on life
9. Being in bed by 9:00, even if I'm still reading and finishing up some emails
10. I'm grateful to be feeling today that, even though in a number of ways it's been a very challenging week, I feel hopeful again. Like maybe I can kick some of the things I've been struggling with. And maybe it really is worth it to take the advice my dear friend gave me and really fight for that healing.
    

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Full Day...

Well, the day has been full.

I've made dinner, and I'm just waiting for my roommate and our former roommate to arrive, and then we'll sit down to eat and catch up.

Work was CRAZY today. I actually didn't have to do yoga after work tonight because I was on my feet running back and forth most of the day and definitely got well more than the prescribed 20 minutes of moderate aerobic activity. I think it was more like 5 hours or so!

Lunch was unique. I'm glad I went, and I'll likely follow up and check out the house church community that we were talking about sometime in the next few weeks.

But I'm tired. I'm hoping the visiting tonight won't go late.

And I'm really looking forward to tomorrow night, having the house to myself, and just doing things that involve caring for me for an evening. Especially since that was what I'd planned for last Friday evening, and thanks to the way my visit with the doctor went, I spent a good chunk of last Friday evening in tears, or frenetic panic, trying to sort out what I'd been told and figure out if I had any options or was truly boxed into a corner. It'll be nice to just rest tomorrow night.

And with that, I'd better go check on our food...

I'll be back later with the daily 5 (or ten)!

Remembering Lessons Learned

I'm trying to remind myself about the lesson I learned from Stan over the summer. The lesson about not postponing joy.

Because I'm tired just thinking about the day ahead of me, and everything in me wants to curl up into a crabby ball and hide from the world.

Work promises to be very busy.

I have a lunch meeting with a complete stranger (draining for an introvert like myself) to talk about church (because that's not a subject that I'm feeling sensitive about these days.)

And then we're having our old roommate over for dinner tonight.

Oh, and somewhere in there I need to fit in 20 minutes of yoga.

It's a day filled with people, and that feels tiring.

But somehow, I'm determined to at least make the attempt to find joy amidst all of that today.

We'll see how it goes!

Daily 5 - Day 84

A while ago now, I wrote an introduction to the daily 5. I'm feeling these days like I need to work even a little bit harder to find things in my day to really be grateful for, to really find joy in, and so you can expect the daily 5 to be more like a daily 10 on a semi-regular basis for a while. But just consider the extras bonus items, because, well, I like the name daily 5, and am feeling slightly phobic about committing to a daily 10!

So, today's daily "5":

1. A quiet evening, with candles lit all around my bedroom
2. Managing three days in a row of yoga without my body protesting too loudly (one more day for this week to do)
3. Having unexpected time to finish reading a book that I'd been hoping to finish this week, and being profoundly moved and challenged by the book as I finished reading it.
   
4. Feeling the stirring of my heart, and being able to write about some of that
5. Tiny little steps towards forgiveness and release, or at least giving voice to the fact that I want those things, even on a day when I also made bad decisions that moved me in the opposite direction from them as well.
6. Re-listening to the sermon by Mahesh Chavda that I linked to in yesterday's daily 5
7. Laughing with co-workers and celebrating with one over the purchase of a new vehicle for her family
8. A coworker voluntarily taking answering the phones off my hands (our receptionist is out sick) so that I could accomplish some things that needed to be done
9. Feeling grateful, after writing this morning about the struggle to balance rest and the need for some lifestyle changes to improve my health, that this was an evening where I was unexpectedly freed to simply rest when plans to connect with a friend didn't happen
10. Having a night off from being in charge of cooking dinner, and still getting to eat a great meal of frittata prepared by my roommate.
    

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

The story I want to write

I'm sitting here, and the quiet is surrounding me, and heightening my awareness.

The occasional burble of water in my oil burner and the soft scents drifting from it to fill the room I'm sitting in.

The softness of the blanket I'm wrapped in against my bare feet.

Sirens on the street swirl loudly on the street outside my window, catching my attention, and then they fade into the distance.

I've just finished reading a book about story. And about telling a better story with our lives.

Good stories have memorable scenes. Scenes that define and shape.

And I pause as I think of some friends and a memorable scene.

Of two friends living out their passions, making music, singing and strumming, and filling in rhythms, and another friend as he danced in front of the stage, totally unencumbered by who was watching... lost in the music...

I received an email from the friend who danced tonight. His sister is also a good friend of mine, and their mother is very ill. I told him, when they found out, and he emailed many of us to let us know, that I'd be praying for her. And I have been.

And tonight I read her update, words she'd written that he forwarded, and I prayed again.

And I thought of another family I know. All three of their children have a rare disease - one that is not genetically linked - they are the only siblings in North America to all have this disease. Their youngest is also profoundly deaf. And a little while back the mom to these three kids was diagnosed with a very serious cancer.

A number of people I know are grieving this week - a friend of theirs - young, only 25 or so, died late last week from complications of the H1N1 virus.

I pause for a moment to contemplate the things I said and did today, and the thoughts that were left unsaid, and I know that some of them didn't contribute to writing a good story.

I'm thinking about the experiences I have sometimes, about the one I had last night, and how that, too, shapes my story.

I want to write a better story.

The kind of story where less of the things I'm thinking need to be filtered out before they reach my tongue. Where there is more love and forgiveness, and less need to filter out anger and cruelty.

The kind of story that lets me see another person honestly, bumps and flaws and all, and love them anyway, even when they hurt me.

The kind of story where I live as a deeply loved daughter. Where I really know that as truth within me, and I let it permeate everything I do.

The kind of story with more memorable scenes. Swimming in a lake, and playing on the swings, and writing while propped on a hillside, or twirling in a park, and laughing. I want to write the kind of story that is filled with joy. The joy that somehow exists in the midst of ugly realities - of cancer and heartache and grief. Because sometimes the ugly realities are also memorable scenes.

I want to write a better story with my life.

Huh...

Yoga done for another night.

And the post yoga shower.

And the post shower dinner. (Which I was very grateful to not have to cook.)

I'm hoping to connect with a good friend on skype tonight and have some time to catch up with each other.

If not, well, I guess I'll be glad for an evening to myself, a quiet evening to myself.

I'm still pondering the experience I had last night. It is in some ways very clear, and in some ways very hazy. Clearly there are steps that need to be made, but how or what they are, I'm just not sure yet.

Tomorrow will be full.

Work has been a bit unique this week. We have quite a few people out with varying strains of flu (including H1N1). Some of the office politics tensions are running high. And we have major deadlines to meet. I'll be assembling 250 training manuals for most of tomorrow, with several other people.

I'm having a lunch meeting with someone I've never met as well. A discussion about steps moving forward. About life and church. Kind of nervous about that actually. While God seems to be making it clear that it's time to be connected to a body of believers again, the relational challenges of the last few years have definitely left me hesitant to risk my heart again. So, we'll see how tomorrow's discussion goes, and slowly take it from there.

And then tomorrow night our former roommate is joining us for dinner and a chance to catch up. I've hardly seen her since her wedding in the summer, so it'll be fun to connect.

But all those things will make for a very full day - a fact somewhat intimidating for someone who is struggling to balance a very definite need for rest.

So, I'll take it as it comes. And I'll pray for sleep or at least deep rest tonight.

As you love yourself

"Love your neighbor as you love yourself."

It's not exactly an unknown passage of scripture. In fact, in the circles I grew up in, it's probably one of the most quoted passages I know, along with "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you."

It is, however, a passage I'm pondering in new ways after several conversations recently with a dear friend about the current state of being (physical, emotional and spiritual) that I find myself existing in.

It's that second bit that gets me. I'm pretty good (oh dear that sounds proud...) at loving others. I've not only been taught for nearly my whole life that others come first, but my heart genuinely leaps into caring deeply, often, much to my chagrin, without consulting me first! I'm not so good at the "as you love yourself part", and, I suppose that that makes me less than adequate at the loving others part. Because if the love I have for myself is anemic, and that is what I offer to others, then the love I'm giving is less than whole and life-giving either.

My friend's point was relatively simple. I need to rest, and I need to care for myself. Years of depression, followed by years not marked by depression, but by other challenges, followed by these last two years of incredible exhaustion, stress, grief, and relational challenges, have left me physically depleted (not to mention emotionally and spiritually). To some extent I knew this already, but the point was perhaps hammered home in a new way after our multiple conversations around the topic.

My argument was this - planning my schedule around me feels selfish. Time spent solely on me, resting, though necessary, is driving me crazy. I feel like I spend all of my time considering myself, and that clashes with my upbringing that others come first. I don't like feeling selfish or so self-involved. When I couldn't immediately produce scripture to support my position that others were more important, my friend broke in quietly with "Love your neighbor as you love yourself."

And those words have been ringing in my ear since she quoted them to me.

I found myself thinking about balance as I drove to work this morning.

After two very rough weeks that underscored oh so many areas of my life that need some attention right now, and a severe emotional crash on Friday, I entered this week with a new resolve to make changes. To heal. The same friend sent me a note that contained the reminder to "let your brain and heart heal... and fight for it... every day..." Good advice, really.

But after only a couple of days, I find myself struggling with balance. I've fit in some of the prescribed lifestyle changes, and I'm making the attempt to make some dietary changes as well. But two days in I feel like my spiritual life is suffering. Like some of the lifestyle changes are eating into the time and energy I'd previously spent on time reading scripture and prayer. Because by the time I fit the extra things in, I'm finding myself so exhausted that it is easy to give in to the temptation to scrap my scheduled time with God and just go to bed.

I was thinking about all of this as I drove because it was another night that can only be described as full of intense spiritual encounters. Because if I don't somehow manage to find that time with Jesus, I'm not going to manage to survive those kinds of nights.

And yet, I feel like pushing too much when I need to be resting is a challenge too.

As you love yourself, it turns out is a rather unique problem to have to address.

Daily 5 - Day 83

Image by Darwin Bell via Flickr

Today's daily 5:

1. Still eating the fruit salad I made on the weekend every day. And loving the raspberries in it, even if raspberries are really too mushy to be good fruit salad fruit, and subsequently my fruit salad has a sort of raspberry glaze :)
2. A very productive evening
3. 2 days of yoga in a row (2 more to go this week)
4. Listening to hymns on my drive into work this week. Loving the lyrics. Loving that bits and pieces of writing ideas are springing to mind as I drive and pray and listen.
5. Listening to this sermon from Mahesh Chavda (preached at Bethel Church in Redding, California, recently) on my drive home today. I haven't finished it yet, but I'm loving it so far. It's particularly relevant to some things I've been thinking about - and I found some of his comments on snakes to be rather striking given some other things I've been reading and praying about. Plus, I've never heard him speak before, and he's FUNNY! (Funny is always a plus in my books.)
   

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

A Few Links

I found this article on the last Catholic high school in Detroit fascinating. A stunning statement about the way that values are shaped. And I loved the community involvement component of the curriculum, and the commitment of the school to be involved in their community.

I also quite enjoyed this cartoon at ASBO Jesus today... boy have I ever felt like that poor guy.

Still Thinking About Judgement

Last week I wrote here about the fact that I'm a judgemental person.

I was thinking about that again this morning.

I received an email from a list that I've been on for a while now, and it contained an article about a topic I've thought a lot about, discussed often, and feel quite strongly about.

I started to read the article. Twice.

And then I realized something. I wasn't reading the article because it covered a topic I've thought about and discussed and care deeply about. I was reading it because I was hunting for ammunition. Because I wanted to be right.

Because in the imaginary conversations that play out in my head, I wanted to be able to detail my point. To throw scriptures at my imaginary conversational partner. To win.

I want that imaginary conversation to end with my dialogue partner on their knees, begging my forgiveness for how poorly they've lived some things out.

I was reading because it let me judge. It was the wrong motivation.

And as I stared at the article without seeing, I felt that little mirror pop up in my heart. That voice that reflects yourself back at you and reminds you that you are engaging in the very thing for which you want to judge another.

Not a major or profound moment.

But a quiet reminder.

I closed the article. And the email it came in. And deleted the email.

Hopefully one little step towards letting go. Towards forgiveness and release instead of hatred and judgement. At least I pray so.

Year 5. Day 2. Celebrating Life.

Last night wasn't the greatest one for sleeping. It wasn't the worst one either. I wonder if my sleep schedule is possibly so sensitive to caffeine that the tiny cup of tea that I had at the Korean restaurant last night could have thrown things off? Or maybe I need to adjust the amount of melatonin I'm taking to sleep again... Guess I'll have to watch and wait on that one.

Thinking about the fact that I have U2 tickets is still bringing a smile to my face.

It's year 5, day 2. I feel like celebrating that these days. I think it's hard to explain unless you've been through the kind of depression I experienced for seven years, followed by that remarkable moment of healing, a few very good years, and then two very challenging years. It's probably hard to explain unless you've had the experience of being two days shy of the 4th anniversary of your healing, and for the first time in four years, as you ran through the mental "am I depressed" checklist, you realized that the honest answer was "I don't think so, but I don't know." "I don't know" is a pretty hard thing to hear when you've been clinging to healing. All of that comes together to have me in a place of wanting to celebrate each day that I am able to get out of bed. Each day that I wake with a commitment to find joy somewhere in the day. Each day that is maybe even just a tiny bit less "low" than some of the other days.

I did a bunch of health research on the weekend. I'll probably talk about some of it when I've had the time to process a bit further. I'm in a place of re-evaluating a number of things to do with my health and daily life. Budgeting. Making some lifestyle and diet changes. Just generally trying to do everything possible to recover from the place I've been for the last few years. To choose life. To be deeply joyful.

For the last day or so, the beginning of my favorite Psalm has been playing through my head and reminding my heart of healing and hope. It was a Psalm that I encountered in the days when I was first realizing that that evening of conversation and prayer with my friend on November 1, 2005 was far more potent than I realized. I knew I felt better, but it was a slow process after so many years of depression for me to be able to acknowledge and say with deep confidence and an incredibly grateful heart that I'd been healed. It was in that time period that I came across Psalm 116, which still holds incredible (and maybe even deeper) meaning for me now.

The verses that have been repeating in my head read:

I love the Lord for he heard my voice.
He heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I have breath.

Amen and amen. This is a day to celebrate that my cry for mercy was heard, and is heard. And I will call on him as long as I have breath.

Daily 5 - Day 82

Today's Daily 5:

1. Getting tickets to a U2 concert next summer
2. Korean food (first time ever!) with a friend - surprisingly tasty, and fun to catch up.
   
3. A relatively smooth, if quite tiring, day at work
4. Laughing because my world now contains conversations about things like amino acids and neuro transmitters, and natural ways to promote brain health (If you haven't known me long, I was always a "just give me the drugs already" kind of girl, but these days I'm as surprised as anyone to find myself driven to check out natural alternatives wherever possible, and that totally makes me laugh!)
5. Laughing at the huge chocolate supply for our office that one of my coworkers picked up at great post-halloween sale prices. (seriously, the staff gets really upset if the chocolate bowl isn't kept full) There's a huge tub of candy hidden away at reception, just waiting to keep that bowl stocked for several months to come.
   

Monday, November 02, 2009

A few that I appreciated

These were my results to the "what stereotype are you" quiz on blogthings. Apparently I'm a hippie! (No big surprise there, actually.)

This post hit me deeply. I've enjoyed following Angie's story on her blog, and I've spent a lot of time in the last few years pondering that question of Jesus that she wrote about, "Do you want to be well?"

And this t-shirt that Matthew Paul Turner linked to made me chuckle. The emergent Christian t-shirt indeed!

We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Blogging...

Just had to stop in and squeal just a little (or a lot!) in pleasure.

I have tickets to see U2 live!

The concert isn't until next June, but I have tickets. I'll be going with my brother and his girlfriend. We bought the cheapest tickets available, and I don't even care. I'm just incredibly thrilled that I will get to see them live - fulfilling a "bucket list" item for me. It was sort of one of those things that I've dreamed about and wasn't really sure if it would ever happen, but it's going to happen, and that makes me just a little bit giddy!

~~~

We now return you to regularly scheduled blogging. I should be back sometime this afternoon.