Saturday, May 09, 2009

Saturday Night Smile List

I feel the encroachment of the mid-evening slump I've struggled with lately. That part of the evening when it's not quite bed time, but you've lost motivation to truly do anything else. That part of the evening where I start feeling lonely, and and restless, and sometimes unloved.

I wondered upon waking this morning, and finding last evening's mid-evening slump still present if tonight would be one of those nights where it would come on hard and fast.

And now, as I feel it making it's presence known, I grabbed a piece of paper from the kitchen table. A piece of paper from the pad on which we usually make grocery lists. But, instead of a grocery list, off and on all day today I've been jotting items for a "smile list" on it.

Because those of you who've hung around my blog for a while will know that when I'm really low, I'll try to write a smile list. A list of things I'm thankful for, or things I'm loving - things that are making me smile. Because they've apparently done studies that show that making this sort of list has the same effect on your brain chemistry as taking a mild anti-depressant. Plus, it just makes you feel better to think about the things that bring smiles, instead of the things that are bringing on the slump.

So, here, in all it's glory, is the smile list I've been keeping today:
  • the trees outside my bedroom window finally developing green buds that promise leaves
  • a fresh, ripe mango for breakfast
  • Ingrid Michaelson's song "Keep Breathing"
  • the latest episode of Grey's Anatomy
  • a walk this morning with a mostly blank mind. focusing on the birds singing - sparrows, starlings, and sometimes the "cawing" of crows. listening to the rhythmic slap of my own footsteps against the pavement. the rich, earthy smell of decaying seed pods, wet from the rain and rotting on the sidewalk and grass.
  • the scent of peanut butter bars (complete with secret ingredient goodness!) baking
  • coconut body butter
  • a pretty new necklace purchase (fairly traded, and from India!)
  • sitting wrapped in a favorite blanket
  • an afternoon nap
  • a great deal on a cute sweater for work
  • crossing things off my "to do" list
  • a really comfortable pillow
  • favorite sweat pants

Swallowing Pills

Swallowing pills is a big part of my life these days, as with the variety of supplements and medications I'm taking to restore my health and energy, I'm swallowing somewhere around 15 pills a day.

There isn't a meal that goes by where pill swallowing isn't a part, and I was taking my luncheon batch of vitamins just now, I remembered that I had a few different pill swallowing anecdotes to share.

I have a rather distinctive method for swallowing pills. I have a rather sensitive gag reflex, and have often had trouble managing to get the pills down. I think this springs from being quite sick, quite often as a child, and from the many antibiotics that I'm allergic to, which would only be discovered when, after managing to swallow them, I'd immediately begin throwing up, and a day later would break out in a lovely rash. Benadryl was a good friend of mine through those years!

So, I put the water in my mouth first, add the pill, and then toss my head back and swallow. I can't get them down without the head toss.

My roommate L., hates watching me take pills. She tells me that everytime I throw my head back she thinks I'm going to snap my neck! This has been the source of much supper-time debate and laughter for us the last few weeks, since the vitamin regimen greatly increased.

Last night, before the whole debacle with George, I stopped at a local mall food court to pick up some supper so that I could stick to my food and vitamin regimen. I purchased a meal, and found a table to sit and eat it quickly. After fumbling through my purse and finding my little container of vitamins, I grabbed my water bottle and began the process of swallowing the five or so pills that go with supper in my world.

At the table across from me, a young woman was sitting with her son. She was talking on her cell phone, and he was people watching and crying. When I sat down he focused in on me. He was probably between a year and two years old, and his face had the scabs of the mishaps of one who was still mastering the whole walking thing. He watched in fascination as I began taking my pills, flipping my head back each time. Finally, after I finished swallowing one of them, he stared straight at me, and then snapped his own head back in imitation. His mom looked up from her cell phone conversation, and we both cracked up at his very cute imitation of me.

I chuckle even now, remembering, and will probably smile to myself every time I take pills for the next while.

Saturday Morning

Isn't it funny how we don't really think about things we've got planned until we can't have them?

I wasn't really planning to go anywhere special today, but I was in some ways looking forward to getting out of the house on my own for a bit. Maybe the farmer's market, or a craft shop. Maybe the little Catholic bookstore nearby. I needed to get a few groceries for work, and a few for myself. And something to cook for Mother's Day tomorrow. And I'd promised myself New York Fries with gravy.

But I was pretty much planning to spend the day at home. Curled up in the living room, working on creative projects and watching copious amounts of Grey's Anatomy. Exploring a writing project that appeared in my brain the other night.

But now, since George is "at the hospital", I'm stranded. I'm laying here in bed, as usual awake way too early for a Saturday morning (I've been awake off and on for the last two hours already), and contemplating how to fill the long hours of the day. I'm staring at the grey skies that I can see around the corner of my blinds and wondering if it's going to rain again today. And I'm contemplating my energy levels. I could catch the bus and go to the Catholic bookstore, or, if I was really ambitious, even to the farmer's market. I could make the 20 minute walk to the mall and get my french fries, or the 2o minute walk in the other direction to Ten Thousand Villages and browse the international items that are fairly traded on World Fair Trade Day. I could attempt the 40 minute walk down towards the grocery store, and carry the items I need home.

But I'll be honest and say that my energy is already feeling pretty limited, and I haven't gotten out of bed yet.

I'll probably do a bit of baking and a bit of cleaning. I will work on some creative projects (though I'm definitely lacking in inspriration at the moment.)

I'll eat three meals today and take lots of vitamins (because those two things are a big part of my life right now.)

I'll read a bit, and journal in a crazy, random color, because that's what I do these days to break the mold and keep journalling as something that feels okay. I use colors and convince myself that it doesn't have to be a regimented thing (and then I miss the monochromatic uniformity of my previous journaling system that involved red and black ink.)

I'll wait for the mechanic to call and tell me what the damage on George is, and I'll try not to think about the fact that if the costs are high, I'll probably kiss goodbye the plans to get the red and blond highlights that I love put back in my hair. I'll also try not to think about the fact that I've spent large amounts of money this spring keeping George in running order, money that I was hoping would be used to pay down some debts.

I might call a place I discovered that does affordable massages that are covered by insurance and schedule a massage for next weekend sometime. Because I have massage coverage through my work benefits, and I could use a nice long massage.

I'll remember to be greatful that I have a good job that these days I'm enjoying, with a steady income. That I just got a decent raise, thanks to my new job, and that though my debt reduction plan hasn't worked so well this spring, my debt is slowly getting lower, and I do have the money to pay for repairs to George right now, which means this being stranded thing will only last for a couple of days instead of weeks or months. And I'll remember to be grateful that I have health benefits that cover things like the occasional massage!

I'll revist my budget, because it's time for me to start paying more attention to things like how I spend my money.

I'll reward myself with some good baking, and really great chocolate that I found the other day.

I'll eat this yummy leftover pasta we made the other night (turkey with farfalle, pinenuts & spinach) at some point, and maybe have a grilled cheese sandwich too!

I'll do something creative, even if I'm not really feeling it.

And I'll probably clean the house, or maybe go through my closet and pare down, and simplify a bit.

I'll likely write an email or two, a mother's day card or two or three, play a game online for a while, and maybe even play music loudly and dance around my house.

Okay, so I'm probably still too inhibited to really dance around my house, but I will play some music loudly while I clean or something!

And with all of that decided, I think I'm going to get out of bed!