Saturday, March 06, 2010

Daily 5 - Day 206

Today's Daily 5:
  1. Had a natural health treatment today.  First one in a while.  Hoping it helps me sleep tonight.
  2. Hung out with my family for most of the day.
  3. Was able to borrow a car from mom and dad and do grocery shopping on my own.
  4. Cooked a new recipe again
  5. Got a bunch of sorting and moving of boxes done this morning, and ready to unpack more tomorrow.
  6. Shake the Dust
  7. The smell of bread baking
  8. This blog post from Eugene Cho
  9. Think I've managed to resolve the problem where the frequency from Grandma's cordless phone made it impossible for my laptop to pick up a wireless internet signal from my modem.
  10. Got a few good deals on groceries.

Pulled Inward: Shake the Dust

I'm thinking about random things this morning.

About yes and no.

About plans for the day.

About likes and dislikes.

About the multiples things left on my list to do.

Thoughts that are really probably not very worthy of sharing.

I feel pulled into myself. One of those days where I know I should be anticipating life, finding joy, but it's like I'm watching it from the outside, it's not quite penetrating.

I wonder sometimes if that's my self-protection mode.

The thing I slip into when I'm hurting and uncertain and in the midst of transition and fighting to be okay.

Fighting to quiet the voices and the panic.

Fighting to find footing again, or even just a safe place to sit for a moment.

So I pull into myself and things feel dulled.

It's not a feeling I like.

But maybe it's all I can manage right now.

I know and produce the appropriate responses.

But they're surface things at the moment.  The smiles and laughter don't penetrate much past my face.

And so I wait.

And try to trust that I'll emerge again.

I've always emerged again, why should this time be any different?

And this line, from a video I saw a few weeks ago, and then again yesterday at Susan's blog, plays in my head.

Shake the Dust.

And somehow there is hope in that.