little victories and stones of remembrance

I spent most of the weekend thrilled with myself for making that phone call on Friday morning. I was delighted with the encouragement, and pride in me expressed by the friends who had so faithfully held me accountable to make that step. Bascially, I spent the whole weekend concentrating on that moment of victory - one of the few in the last several months.

Somehow, I convinced myself that my battle with fear was over - that it would all be uphill from here. Until, that is, I got a return phone call. I missed the call, picked up the voicemail, and that all too familiar, pit of my stomach reaction returned. Right, I haven't defeated fear, I have simply taken back some ground in my life.

I have to laugh - I put off returning the phone call - for several hours this time, instead of several months, but the fear was there just the same. I am still afraid of these things in my life. I am still afraid of making the tiny steps towards healing.

I returned the phone call - it was a tiny bit easier this time. I left another message. Eventually, I'll talk to the person I'm trying to reach. But, in the meantime, I needed that reminder that while my breakthrough experience of last week was just that, there are still many battles to be fought. There is still much healing to be done.

With that said, I'm going to switch topics somewhat...
I have become a believer in erecting stones of remembrance at the places in my life where God meets me, where victory, however small, occurs. Maybe I do it simply for the reminder - those places of meeting God and experiencing victory have been few and far between the last couple of years, and I cling to them - to their reminders - in the moments when it seems God has become more distant.

Sometimes my stones of rembrance are merely mental markers, but oftentimes I try to tie something physical to that remembrance too - something I can hold, or read, or listen to, or look at in the moments that I need that reminder of God's intervention in my life. So, on Saturday morning, I went shopping with a friend to purchase a "stone of remembrance".

This time I settled on two CDs. Both are by David Crowder, and both are fantastic. There are two songs, in particular, on the Illuminate album that symbolize this moment to me - that symbolize the moment of victory - the step of obedience that I am seeking to burn into my memory.

Only You

Take my heart, I lay it down

At the feet of You who's crowned

Take my life, I'm letting go

I lift it up to You who's throned

And I will worship You, Lord

Only You, Lord

And I will bow down before You

Only You, Lord

Take my fret, take my fear

All I have I'm leaving here

Be all my hopes, be all my dreams

Be all my delights, be my everything

Deliver Me

Deliver me out of the sadness

Deliver me from all of the madness

Deliver me courage to guide me

Deliver me Your strength inside me

All of my lfie

I've been in hiding

Wishing there was someone just like You

Now that You're here

Now that I've found You

I know that You're the one to pull me through

Deliver me loving and caring

Deliver me giving and sharing

Deliver me this cross that I'm bearing

Oh, deliver me

Jesus, Jesus how I trust You

How I've proved You o'er and o'er

Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus

Deliver me

Come and pull me through

Come pull me through