Thursday, July 28, 2005

Waiting and Thinking

Someone asked me what's been going on since my last post. Well, here it is in point form!
  • I greatly enjoyed having two days in a row off. I made it up to the mountains on the Saturday. I went on a day hike to a lake with a group of people I wouldn't necessarily have chosen (if I'd had my own way!) to spend the day with, but with whom I had a very good time. There's something incredibly refreshing about time spent in creation, away from the cares that way so heavily on my heart the rest of the time. Time spent enjoying God's artwork in nature seems to always be worthwhile.
  • I connected with several friends, and have continued that process into this week. I love being part of a community that really enjoys spending time together. I love the random places that you can connect with people for an awesome conversation. I had a fantastic conversation about what it is like to live with fear and depression with two friends on Sunday night after church, sitting in a pub and enjoying good food and good company.
  • I continue to struggle deeply with my own fears and depression. However, another conversation on Tuesday night has left me with much to process and respond to. I am grateful for the people in my life who offer challenges and gentle rebukes, rather than simply offering platitudes. Conversations with these people are rarely easy to walk away from, but are almost always worth the turmoil they tend to generate.
  • I am working for something like the next eight straight days, followed by a five day mini-vacation during which I may or may not leave town. In between working, I have filled my free evenings and mornings with people rather than a blog! I have been reminded again recently that it is important for me to not allow writing to become my only forum of connection with others, so I am trying to connect with a number of friends this week. All this to say that blogging will likely be a bit scarce again for the next couple of weeks!

Thursday, July 21, 2005

"Blah Days"

I must admit that I stole the title from a friend. Her recent journal entry inspired my to write on a day when I feel that I have nothing to really say. (Thanks, Corey!)

I'm tired, on my way to bed. I've been busy this week with work, and trying to plan some fun outings for the first weekend (yes, that's two FULL days) off that I've had in a couple months. I haven't had much luck and that annoys me. Why is everyone always busy when I finally manage to have the same days off that the rest of the normal, non-retail world routinely has off?

I was reflecting the other day on how nice it would be to meet a Christian at work. But, you don't seem to meet very many in the retail world - I think it has something to do with having to work evenings and weekends - when does one find time to meet with fellow believers and build community. My job somewhat grudgingly allows me to be off on Sundays and Tuesdays in time for converge and home church, and in that, I am lucky.

Now that I write that, about wanting to meet a fellow believer, I wonder why it matters to me. It's not like my life has been any sort of stellar example of Christ lately. I make it out of bed, most days I manage to watch my language. Some days I manage not to gripe incessantly (at least out loud!). People know that I go to church, some know that dad's a pastor, but I generally avoid any sort of conversation at work about personal matters. It's another example of not trusting. I've lost a few jobs in the last year for various reasons, and I don't want to become attached to this job in case something happens again. I don't want to build relationships that will make it painful if something happened.

This is turning into far too deep a set of thoughts for tonight. Perhaps I'll explore them another day, perhaps I'll simply mull them over, jot them in the privacy of my paper journal, and leave them for a while.

I'm hoping to find a way to head for the mountains for at least a day on the weekend. I feel desperately in need of the recharging qualities of time away from the city spent in easy conversation with friends and family. I'm hoping to connect with some friends I've been wanting to find the time to sit down and share life for a couple of hours. I'm looking forward to two days with no work. Two days away from the store and demanding customers and grumpy coworkers. A day off is always to be enjoyed, but there's something special about having more than one in a row off. You get more fully recharged, more ready to face the challenges of several more shifts in the strange world that makes up "retail services."

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Quoting Clive Staples

I am reading a series of novels that are stunning in their simply told tales of small town life. But, that's not what this post is about. That piece of information was simply to set up the fact that in one of the novels, I recently came across a quote from C.S. Lewis that aptly describes the way that I have been experiencing life and God lately. So, without further ado, Lewis once wrote:

We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.

This has been a difficult couple of weeks. My depression has taken a downturn, has affected my eating and sleeping habits, and my general ability to cope with daily life. I continue to believe in God's sovereignty in my life, though I find myself growing ever more distant from that place of close personal relationship with Him. I find myself wondering with Lewis just how painful God's will in my life is going to be.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Missing Quiet

I've been thinking lately about quiet. I've heard a lot recently from various friends and others about the value of silence, about the value of seeking that quiet space for just you and God. They have good points.

5 years ago, when I started out my post secondary career at Mt. Royal, and was desperately struggling to build a prayer life, or to determine if a prayer life was even something worth pursuing - prayer seemed like such a pointless and dead thing at that time - a friend made a suggestion for seizing moments of quiet and using them for prayer. She told me to use the time I spent in the public bathrooms at school to pray. She said that if I used that time, at least I was praying a consistent 10 plus minutes a day, and that it was a good way to start.

Mostly, for the first while, I laughed to myself every time I found myself in the bathrooms in a public place. What a ridiculous suggestion! Slowly, though, I began to pray, and those silent prayers in the privacy of a bathroom stall developed into an ongoing silent conversation with God throughout my day. Five years later, when I am walking alone to the train, or in the public bathroom, or wandering through the mall on my breaks from work, it is the most natural thing in the world to have a silent conversation with God.

Lately, though, I have been missing my quiet space. To prove that there is no space sacred enough to avoid advertising, Chinook Centre has recently installed television screens in the mirrors of their bathroom. These televisions loudly interrupt the former peace of the "throne" room, and I have spent less time praying, and more time trying to catch the commercial for the upcoming "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" movie.

It's funny how much I miss those ten minutes of quiet time with God. I know, the bathroom still seems like a weird place to do my praying, and to share my heart with God, but it was the place I was most consistency in the habit of doing those things. Depression has wreaked havoc on the regularity and consistency of the rest of my devotional practices, and, as advertising invades my last routine for time with God, I find myself longing for that time, wondering where I will build a new habit to replace it, and whether or not it really is ridiculous how much I miss quiet in a public bathroom!

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Renovating

I live in a pit. At the moment my belongings are all over my floor, and quite a number are all over my house in random boxes, waiting for me to find them homes in my bedroom once again.

I bought a new bed last week. It's a loft bed. I now sleep so close to the ceiling that it's reminiscent of sleeping in a camper - with slightly more clearance. It's at moments like this that I am grateful that I am short. A tall person would not enjoy my new sleeping arrangements. I, on the other hand, can prop myself up on my pillows in a semi-prone position and read in bed quite comfortably.

Underneath my new bed is my new desk, at which I am sitting to write this. My computer was the first thing I put back in place in my room. The clutter in the rest of my space I can live with, but I couldn't go without my email and internet access for even 48 hours. Pathetic, I know.

I have decided that redecorating, like starting a new job, holds a number of unseen and unanticipated costs. Yes, I have the new bed and desk that I wanted, but they have necessitated a new bookshelf (that my dad is custom building for me), a new lamp (that can be clipped on my bed so I can read at night and not have to climb down out of bed to turn off the overhead light, and several storage containers that let me store clothes that were previously hidden in the drawers of my old bed.

Nonetheless, I am enjoying my new space, clutter and all. The clutter is nearly at a tolerable level, and I have a long list of errands to be accomplished today in order to reduce it further. I like having new things. I like putting the stamp on this room that is not the me that last redecorated at sixteen. I have changed, and my new space is reflecting those changes - the things that are important to me. The teddy bear collection has been largely relegated to the garage attic for a future not in this space. To replace it is a bookcase, overflowing with books covering the topics that fascinate me now. I like having a space that is mine, that is my retreat in which to read and think, and even escape now and then. And with that thought, I must return to making this space my own. I have a list of sorting and cleaning and errands that must be accomplished to make this space less cluttered and more easily enjoyed!