okay, so... church this morning was.... interesting...
feeling confused at the moment, frustrated, uncertain...
they thanked our family for the example we've been over the years... I hope everyone had their eyes closed during that moment of prayer... I'm pretty sure my face would have betrayed me at that moment... lots of pastor's kid frustration buried in that word "example"....
working to receive the other things they prayed, beautiful, sincere, thankful things... feeling like they're getting lost in the conflicted stuff having to do with my feelings having to do with being a pastor's kid, with resentment over being made an example for so many years...
Sunday, October 28, 2007
thinking about church again
So here's a realization I woke up with this morning, one that kind of unnerves me given that I've spent the week putting posts from Henri Nouwen on my blog, telling me why I need to love the church.
I don't have any motivation to get out of bed on Sunday morning and go to church unless I'm scheduled to teach Sunday school that day. Unless I have a job to do, I don't want to be there.
Thing is, I still love the idea of church, but the church I'm at is frustrating. I know Jesus is working there, I know I'm supposed to be there, but at this moment, I think I hate it. Or at least resent the fact that I'm supposed to be there.
It's just that in my head, church is about meeting with God, in the presence of other people who are meeting with God alongside you. It's also about meeting God in conversations, in prayer, in worship - all of this done with people who have shared hearts with you (no matter how many differences in personality, opinion, etc. you have).
Church for me lately has been happening in coffee shops, in shopping malls, restaurants, long phone calls with friends, in moments in my bedroom with candles and incense, in moments on the bus, in a small group that meets in my living room every couple weeks, in lunch dates and email conversations.
This morning I'd love to stay at home, but it's not an option. True, I'm not teaching Sunday school today, but every year on the last Sunday of October, the church I've been going to for most of the last 14 years has done a "pastor's appreciation Sunday". So, in favor of the whole "honor your father and mother" thing, I need to be at church this morning.
ugh. tired, not excited, but trusting that even in the moments when I least want to be there, Jesus will honor the whole "where 2 or 3 are gathered" principle and I'll meet with him somewhere over the course of the morning or day.
I don't have any motivation to get out of bed on Sunday morning and go to church unless I'm scheduled to teach Sunday school that day. Unless I have a job to do, I don't want to be there.
Thing is, I still love the idea of church, but the church I'm at is frustrating. I know Jesus is working there, I know I'm supposed to be there, but at this moment, I think I hate it. Or at least resent the fact that I'm supposed to be there.
It's just that in my head, church is about meeting with God, in the presence of other people who are meeting with God alongside you. It's also about meeting God in conversations, in prayer, in worship - all of this done with people who have shared hearts with you (no matter how many differences in personality, opinion, etc. you have).
Church for me lately has been happening in coffee shops, in shopping malls, restaurants, long phone calls with friends, in moments in my bedroom with candles and incense, in moments on the bus, in a small group that meets in my living room every couple weeks, in lunch dates and email conversations.
This morning I'd love to stay at home, but it's not an option. True, I'm not teaching Sunday school today, but every year on the last Sunday of October, the church I've been going to for most of the last 14 years has done a "pastor's appreciation Sunday". So, in favor of the whole "honor your father and mother" thing, I need to be at church this morning.
ugh. tired, not excited, but trusting that even in the moments when I least want to be there, Jesus will honor the whole "where 2 or 3 are gathered" principle and I'll meet with him somewhere over the course of the morning or day.
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