Of all the liars in the world...

Here is the list of things making me smile today. The things I love, and am thankful for.

• hot pink crocs that were a Christmas gift from my brothers a few years back, and that I pulled out of my closet this morning to use as convenient shoes to keep by our back door for tramping to and from the back yard and garbage bins in the alley.
• cozy Winnie the Pooh slipper socks
• the smell of banana bread baking in my kitchen
• a morning of enjoying the house to myself while my roommates are at church and running errands
• an unexpected phone call from a friend who was part of a really hard conversation a week ago, wanting to know how I was doing, how my heart was, and "was I choosing life?"
• a long list of things that I've accomplished around our house this morning, including, baking, washing dishes, sweeping and mopping the kitchen, sweeping the living room and my bedroom, canceling my cable service in favor of better service from a new company, and taking the garbage out. I never want to start cleaning, but always draw great satisfaction from doing it once I get started.
• the Mamma Mia movie soundtrack (an itunes purchase this morning) playing LOUDLY in my house while I baked and cleaned.
• singing along, and maybe even dancing (shock! horror!) a little to the aforementioned soundtrack, particularly "Mamma Mia" and "Dancing Queen" while cleaning and baking.
  
• 2 dozen red roses, still hanging in there, in my bedroom
• house plants
• that the cable installation from the new company didn't take as long this morning as they warned me it might, thus effectively giving me a morning alone at home
  
• a ring I bought in Lake Louise yesterday
• a medal with Clare of Assisi around my neck on a pretty white gold chain
  
• plans to spend the afternoon doing some more stuff that needs to be accomplished around my house, reading scripture, maybe taking a bath, and probably taking a nap.
• bottled water
• an emerald in my nose ring today
  

When you live in the part of the world I live in, it's fairly inevitable that you spend at least some time in the mountains as you're growing up.

I've always loved the mountains - I learned to meet God in creation when I spent time in them. Even during the years of depression, a day of hiking, or simply driving and spending time in the mountains could lift my spirits.

Until recently. The last couple of trips I've made out to the mountains have been pretty hard on me. And suddenly, I've had absolutely no desire to be in the places my heart has loved for years. In fact, the times have been so hard on me that I've been afraid to be in the mountains - wondering if it was simply the atmosphere of the places I visited that made it so difficult to enjoy what I'd always loved.

I'm going to the mountains today. And to be honest, I'm dreading it a bit. I'm serving as the driver of a rental car that will take myself, one of my roommate's, and a houseguest who's been staying with us for about a week to the mountains. Those of you who know me well will know that the fact that I'm driving is making it that much harder for me to do this.

But I'm going to do it. And I'm hopefully going to meet with Jesus. They're planning a two hour hike that my energy levels right now won't allow me to do. So I'll be sitting in the car and sleeping or reading. Or sitting in a hotel by a beautiful mountain lake and sipping tea and writing, or (if the weather permits) simply sitting by the lake.

I don't like being afraid of the places my heart loves.

So, as much as I'm laying here in bed, getting ready to get up and go pick up the rental car, and fighting panic, I'm going to do this.

another thought from Henri Nouwen:

Choosing Words Wisely

Words are very important. When we say to someone: "You are an ugly, useless, despicable person," we might have ruined the possibility for a relationship with that person for life. Words can continue to do harm for many years.

It is so important to choose our words wisely. When we are boiling with anger and eager to throw bitter words at our opponents, it is better to remain silent. Words spoken in rage will make reconciliation very hard. Choosing life and not death, blessings and not curses often starts by choosing to remain silent or choosing carefully the words that open the way to healing.

Been needing this all day, but only now finding the time to sit down and write one.

These are the things that I love, that I'm thankful for, that are making me smile right now:

• soft, brown suede boots
• a multicolored tweed skirt, that incorporates several of my favorite colors including orange, brown, and turquoise
• my "bohemian" purse from the Tibetan shop
• a note from a dear friend last night, reminding me that she loves me
• the rosary I brought home from Rome
• that there are just under two hours left in this workday
• that tomorrow is casual Friday and I can wear jeans to the office
• Karla Adolphe's song "Hold Me Near"
• The Garden State movie soundtrack
• being back in the habit of writing in my paper journal daily
• plans for a quiet morning mostly alone in the house on Sunday
• five reminder stones sitting on my desk
• taco wraps with my roommates and a houseguest for dinner tonight
• plans for a quiet evening, holed up in my bedroom with lit candles, reading, writing, making a couple phone calls, and hopefully getting to bed early
• a truly tasteless (but quite funny) joke that a friend told me this morning
• remembering the great evening one of my roommates and I spent on my birthday about a month ago, watching the movie "Mamma Mia"
• 2 dozen red roses in a vase on my dressing table at home
• lovely smells emanating from an oil burner in my bedroom
• mango exfoliant scrub from The Body Shop
• roiibos tea
• sheepskin lined slippers with a kiwi fruit print (a gift from my roommate - sort of a joke since both of my roommates are from New Zealand)

Another thought on choosing life from Henri Nouwen

Waiting with Our Response

Choosing life instead of death demands an act of will that often contradicts our impulses. Our impulses want to take revenge, while our wills want to offer forgiveness. Our impulses push us to an immediate response: When someone hits us in the face, we impulsively want to hit back.

How then can we let our wills dominate our impulses? The key word is wait. Whatever happens, we must put some space between the hostile act directed toward us and our response. We must distance ourselves, take time to think, talk it over with friends, and wait until we are ready to respond in a life-giving way. Impulsive responses allow evil to master us, something we always will regret. But a well thought-through response will help us to "master evil with good" (Romans 12.21).

My best friend leaves for Pakistan tonight. She'll spend a few days in England with her fiancee (who's currently visiting friends and travelling in Europe on a bit of a pilgrimage of sorts), and then head on alone to Pakistan for the next eight months.

I'm praying hard for her today.

We said goodbye on Monday, since I'm unable to be at the airport when she flies out tonight. But today it's hitting me. The friend I laugh with, talk about boys with, harass mercilessly (and get harassed by), watch movies with, eat freezer cake with, talk about God and life and fear and joy with, and pray with is gone for the next eight months.

And she's going to a less than stable part of the world, because she visited there at 16, and it stole her heart. She's going to spend the next eight months doing some language learning, and putting her nursing training to use in a small mission hospital, delivering babies and doing pre-natal and post-partum care.

I read this article in the news this morning. Missile Attack Kills 2 Canadians in Pakistan. While I don't think the part of the country where she'll be is particularly unstable, the reality remains that she is traveling to a place where it is less than safe to be white, female, and north-american.

And so, today, my heart is praying for this friend that I love, and for her family as they also say goodbye to her. For her parents, who worry about this daughter of theirs that has fallen in love with a country that is far away, and hard to comprehend. For her brothers and sisters and their spouses. For her friends. But mostly for her. That she would know the deep peace of Jesus - the peace that comes from knowing that she is living out what He has called her heart to. And that all those of us who love her, and are left here to wait and pray, would also be able to rest in that peace.

I've been re-realizing these last few days, just how skilled at avoidance I really am.

Thankfully, in the midst of some of the worst avoidance I've entertained in a long while, a dear friend was with me, and pushing gently, and sometimes a bit less so for me to begin to face and deal with some stuff, and begin to heal again. I'm incredibly thankful for the several late nights she spent talking with me, in the midst of a weekend that I know wasn't easy for her either.

The truth is, I made a series of less than healthy decisions, and, over the weekend, hit a low point that was quite stunning. I haven't been that close to walking away from God, life and relationships since the last few months before my depression was healed, nearly 3 years ago now. And because of the bad choices, I began again to entertain lies in my life, and they grew until they overwhelmed and became my "truth".

It's likely going to take a while to pull out of that and be healthy again.

I've committed to non-avoidance, and am taking a number of steps to ensure that my usual avoidance techniques are not options.

And yet, I realized again tonight, while grocery shopping with my roommates, how easy it is to attempt to satisfy the hungry and aching places in my soul. Things that I would never normally buy - candy, comfort foods and so forth - were stunningly appealing, and I had to conciously remind myself of some of the decisions I've made and guidelines I've put in place for this next while.

I'm good at avoiding, but I'm hoping for better things. I'm longing for healing. Even though I know it means non-avoidance, and even though I know that for a while at least, non-avoidance is likely to be messy, hurtful, and somewhat miserable.

Two phrases stand out from the weekend. One a question posed by Jesus, another a reminder from a scripture my friend sent me. The first "Do you want to be well?" and the second "Today I have given you the choice between life and death..."

I want to be well.

I choose life.

(I think I'm going to have to repeat those things ad infinitum in a quest to begin to live them, but oh, does my heart long for them to be realized within me.)

If you had any idea what some of the conversations I've been having with friends and with God lately sounded like, you'd know that I when I arrived at work this morning to find these emails from the Henri Nouwen society waiting for me, I simultaneously laughed and cringed. God does indeed, have a sense of humor it would seem...

Choosing Life

God says, "I am offering you life or death, blessing or curse. Choose life, then, so that you and your descendants may live" (Deuteronomy 30:19).

"Choose life." That's God's call for us, and there is not a moment in which we do not have to make that choice. Life and death are always before us. In our imaginations, our thoughts, our words, our gestures, our actions ... even in our nonactions. This choice for life starts in a deep interior place. Underneath very life-affirming behaviour I can still harbour death-thoughts and death-feelings. The most important question is not "Do I kill?" but "Do I carry a blessing in my heart or a curse?" The bullet that kills is only the final instrument of the hatred that began being nurtured in the heart long before the gun was picked up.

A Choice Calling for Discipline

When we look critically at the many thoughts and feelings that fill our minds and hearts, we may come to the horrifying discovery that we often choose death instead of life, curse instead of blessing. Jealousy, envy, anger, resentment, greed, lust, vindictiveness, revenge, hatred ... they all float in that large reservoir of our inner life. Often we take them for granted and allow them to be there and do their destructive work.

But God asks us to choose life and to choose blessing. This choice requires an immense inner discipline. It requires a great attentiveness to the death-forces within us and a great commitment to let the forces of life come to dominate our thoughts and feelings. We cannot always do this alone; often we need a caring guide or a loving community to support us. But it is important that we both make the inner effort and seek the support we need from others to help us choose life.

Claiming Our God Given Selves

When we have been deeply hurt by another person, it is nearly impossible not to have hostile thoughts, feelings of anger or hatred, and even a desire to take revenge. All of this often happens spontaneously, without much inner control. We simply find ourselves brooding about what we are going to say or do to pay back the person who has hurt us. To choose blessings instead of curses in such a situation asks for an enormous leap of faith. It calls for a willingness to go beyond all our urges to get even and to choose a life-giving response.

Sometimes this seems impossible. Still, whenever we move beyond our wounded selves and claim our God-given selves, we give life not just to ourselves but also to the ones who have offended us.

Mastering Evil with Good

The apostle Paul writes to the Romans: "Bless your persecutors; never curse them, bless them. ... Never pay back evil with evil. ... Never try to get revenge. ... If your enemy is hungry, give him something to eat; if thirsty, something to drink. ... Do not be mastered by evil, but master evil with good" (Romans 12:14-21). These words cut to the heart of the spiritual life. They make it clear what it means to choose life, not death, to choose blessings not curses. But what is asked of us here goes against the grain of our human nature. We will only be able to act according to Paul's words by knowing with our whole beings that what we are asked to do for others is what God has done for us.

It's a new month. Seems the weather changed instantaneously from summer to autumn over the weekend - they had 5 cm of snow in the mountains only an hour from here. A new season.

I need a fresh start. A do over if you will. A chance to choose life again. A shifting of season once again.

So I'm glad for a new month. A fresh start.

And I'm starting here:

"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." (Philippians 4:8)