Friday Plans and Ponderings

Crawling out of bed this morning was PAINFUL.  It has not been a great week for sleep, and I'm exhausted.

My big plans for this evening include putting on my pajamas as soon as I get home, grabbing some leftover pizza, and crawling back into bed to watch last night's episode of Grey's Anatomy and perhaps a few other shows.

I'm pondering some of the situations I find bizarre - things like people who spend money to put their pets in "daycare", and people who won't participate in things that save money.  The deals I find are like a badge of honor for me!  In fact, I'm basically done my Christmas shopping, and I did it all at essentially half-price.  I guess I'm pondering materialism in general lately.

I'm thinking about an answer to prayer.  And about all the prayers left unspoken or as yet unanswered.

But mostly I'm thinking about how lovely it will be to crawl into bed tonight, eat pizza, and watch Greys.

My Person(s)

This scene from one of the first season's of Grey's Anatomy is sort of a classic:




"You're my person." It's that moment when the friendship was cemented into family.  Into the sort of thing where this is the person with whom you are most yourself.

Recently, as I was fumbling for words to describe a friendship to someone else, she, hearing my description, summed it up, "She's your person."  I had to laugh at this blatant reference to what she didn't even know was my favorite television show.  It was the perfect summation.

I have two persons.  Two people with whom I feel totally free to simply be.  The ones I know I can trust and lean on in the hard times, and the ones who I know will be the first to celebrate with me when the great times come.  They're the ones I email or text when I've had a great steak dinner, or come across something random that made me think of a moment we shared.  They're the ones I email with prayer requests, or funny quotes, or anything in between.  We talk about television shows, our families, about life and faith and travel and books.  And, since neither one lives in the same country as me (and one not even usually on the same continent as me), they're the ones I hang out with via Skype and phone calls.

Except today.  Today I am spending the day in the mountains with one of my people.  She's in town for a brief visit, and I commandeered her for an entire day.  We have some fabulous plans that I'll share later on in the day or maybe tomorrow.  Basically we're just going to enjoy spending an entire day in each others company.

In this case, since it is the person who is generally on a different continent, half-way around the world, I'm keenly aware that it will likely be several years before we get to see each other in person again, so my plan is simply to savor the moments.  To make some really fabulous memories doing a few new things, and some we've done often.  To take photos and laugh.  To talk about the important stuff that just hasn't quite fit into our phone calls or skype dates.  To just be. 

I'm so incredibly thankful for this chance to escape Calgary and spend some in person time with "my person".  And I can't wait to see what sorts of fun adventures and blessings our time together will hold!

Coming Into Herself

It's no secret that Grey's Anatomy has played a huge role in my life and journey for the last seven years.

God has spoken to me over and over and over again through the years in the various episodes.

And, in a lot of ways, I feel like my journey has very much paralleled that of the characters, particularly of Meredith.  That sort of coming of age, and growing into oneself, and healing and overcoming the "dark and twisty" pasts.

I was thinking about that journey again on Saturday night as I watched last week's episode of Grey's, transcribing the monologue for the blog I maintain with the various monologues from each episode on it.

It wasn't so much the monologue that caught me in that episode, as the decision Meredith had to make.

She had her choice of two clinical trials to participate in.  One was seeking a cure for the Alzheimers, the disease that her mom died of.  The other, being pushed at her by the chief of surgery, was working to cure diabetes, and was being promoted as her "birthright" - her legacy.  It was based on research left behind in her mother's journals, and she was being told that it was really very much hers to carry on her mother's work.

And so I watched as she wrestled with the decision.  With the pressure coming from the chief, and, to a great extent, the pressure of her terrible relationship with her deceased mother, and all the years of wounding and healing that that had led to.

And I watched, as, at the end of the episode, she walked back into the chief's office, finds him poring over her mother's old journals, listens to his pitch one more time, and then calmly handed back to him the folder of information on his proposed trial.  "You knew the woman who wrote them.  That's why I gave them to you.  I was happy to read them and to understand her better, but the woman I knew was different.  But I am starting to realize how scared she must have been.  That had to be why she was writing everything down.  She must have been so scared.  So please, go ahead, I think it's right that you continue her work, but I really, just, want to cure her disease.  Good night, Chief."

I'm having trouble finding words for it, but watching that scene was a moment of clarity for me.  In a way that her character hasn't before, she was able to say, "No.  Despite all these other things, present and past, this is who I am, and I don't want to carry on her legacy, I just want to prevent the thing that killed her from killing others."

She stepped into herself, and in watching that I felt Jesus reminding me that I am learning to do this to.  That on the same night I watched that episode, I'd had a realization of an area in which I needed to step into myself again.  That that night I was able to see a decision that needed to be made, and make it.

It's an interesting thing, this coming into oneself.  This thing where it becomes about me and God, not me and all the people I try at times to please.  Not me and all the fears and guilt and pressures.  But me and God, and He offers me the chance to step into myself.  To heal a little tiny bit more (because that is my one word for the year).  And if I turn Him down, it's disobedience, and sin.

And so I'm choosing to step into myself in this moment.  To make that choice, to be obedient.  And I'm looking forward to seeing the results.

Not Easy

It's no secret that I'm a huge fan of Grey's Anatomy.  It's also no secret that over the last seven years that the show has been airing, God has regularly borrowed the characters voices, and especially the words of the opening and closing monologues to speak directly to my heart.

That happened again this week.

I was in a bad mood last night when I transcribed the monologue from the newest episode for posting on the Grey's Monologues blog that I also maintain as a sort of hobby.  This hasn't been the easiest of weeks, and yesterday was a day where the "not easyness" of the week was flaunting itself.  Everything from really crude fellow public transit passengers (on both modes of transit I took, in both directions), to generally crappy weather (it is, after all, January in Canada), to some health issues and just a generally funky sort of mood were making the challenges of the week that much harder to cope with, and I was mid pity party when I decided that the next thing on my "to do" list for the day would be to watch the latest episode of Grey's, and transcribe the monologue for the week.

This is the monologue that I transcribed:

People are really romantic about the beginnings of things.  Fresh start.  Clean slate.  A world of possibility.  But, no matter what new adventure you're embarking on, you're still you.  You bring you into every new beginning in your life, so how different can it possibly be?

It's all anybody wants, right?  Clean slate.  A new beginning.  Like that's going to be any easier.  Ask the guy pushing the boulder up the hill.  Nothing's easy about starting over.  

Huh.

I typed those words, and was struck by them.  I heard God repeating them as they began to rattle around inside of me, echoing in the aching spaces I'd been filling with a pity party only moments earlier.

"Nothing's easy about starting over."

I forgot that.

I forgot it in the two days since I wrote about the fact that I'd also forgotten that the process of healing is painful.

I bought into the very churchy lie I've ranted about in the past.  The one that says that if God is in it, how could it be anything but easy?

I bought into that ridiculous lie in the same week I've been reading the book of Job as part of my chronological trip through the Bible this year.  Job.  One of my favorite books in the Scriptures.  The one I love because it speaks to the parts of me that understand what it is to be depressed, and the parts of me that know what it is to see life deconstruct itself beneath you.  Job.  Because there's so much in that story that screams that new beginnings and life with God will be easy.

(I'm rolling my eyes here.)

It's kind of a bleak truth, that one that I forgot.  "Nothing's easy about starting over."

But last night it encouraged me.

Because I think I was expecting it to be easy - this year of healing and new beginnings.

This sorting out life after some major decisions.

This figuring out the whole being a student, but not yet in the arena I want thing.

This whole change careers and life directions thing.

The thing where I let the raw wounds be exposed so they can be healed.

I thought it was going to be easy, and I've been in a funk, feeling forgotten and disgusted and generally grouchy at the world because it hasn't been.

But somehow, that reminder, in Grey's last night, that was what it took.

It won't be easy.  But that doesn't mean I'm alone.

(I love that God speaks to me via a primetime soap opera.)

It won't be easy.  But I'm not alone.

God is with me, and, as a friend reminded me, when I emailed her the monologue, there are friends journeying with me too.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 145

Today's Daily 5:

1. Peanut butter toast
2. New episodes of Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice to watch online
3. a tasty salad for lunch
4. a restful afternoon
5. getting a whole list of errands finished
6. spending time with a friend, laughing, talking, eating
7. a new battery for my laptop - it's now possible for me to use the computer without a power cable - first time in a year! (essential since I'll want it for in class starting next week)
8. magic bags
9. helpful strangers when my friend's car was stuck in the snow tonight
10. weekend escape at mom and dad's

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 79

Today's Daily 5:

1. really cute twin girls on the bus this morning, chorusing, "thank you bus driver" as they disembarked with their nanny
2. a relatively good sleep last night for the first time in a while
3. starting the morning slowly
4. toast with butter and jam
5. sunshine
6. getting a few quick errands done
7. reading on the bus again
8. finishing a book
9. my neck pillow
10. a mug of rooibos tea in my own room, in a new mug I bought specifically for that purpose
11. This quote from an old episode of Grey's Anatomy: "At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate."
12. getting a bit of cleaning done
13. watching escapist television and laughing as I realized that the book I'd just finished reading was causing me to talk back to the television in a very snarky tone
14. candles lit around the room
15. making a plan for the day, and actually accomplishing the tasks I set for myself
16. talking politics as supper with mom and dad

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 17

Today's Daily 5:

1. doing some yoga today
2. sending off a transcript request that I'd been procrastinating on.  Another one of those "if I don't do it, then I can't be rejected, and I don't have to fail" things.  It feels good to have conquered another thing like that.
3. home-made chocolate chip cookies
4. laughing at a truly perfect line from Grey's Anatomy again tonight.  "Reality.  It's so much more interesting than happily ever after."  You kind of have to be privy to some inside jokes and conversations a friend and I have been having to truly appreciate this one, but let me assure you that it made me (and then her) laugh out loud.
5. doing a bunch of reading.

Avoidance

"The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon.  We can only lie to ourselves for so long."

The above quote was a classic Meredith line, from the ending of an early episode in Grey's Anatomy's second season.

I treat avoidance mechanisms like a cocoon, and they're usually my first stop when I'm dealing with fear.  Whatever I can do to escape the ugly reality of life for a while.

Escape, I think, is a good thing.

It can offer a break and a chance to breath and rest.

My issue is this - too often I let escape become avoidance.

Because let's be honest, shall we?  It's far more pleasurable to avoid than to face the mess head on.

To pretend it simply doesn't exist.

And then, then that moment always comes when I realize that I'm in a cage, not a cocoon, and I've delayed the inevitable - the pain, yes, but also the healing.

I'm working on this pattern lately... aware of it again, and working on the courage to crawl out of that cage/cocoon and really face life, and when I heard that line as I was watching the old Grey's episode, I knew I had to share it.

My question is this - when does your cocoon become a cage that keeps you from something better?

Eating My Words

The experience of writing blog posts on the weekend and scheduling them to appear through the week is turning out to be an illuminating one.

Mostly because I have this tendency to forget what I've scheduled for the day, and, when I go back and check, I'm tending to find myself rather deeply convicted by own words.  That, or needing to just eat them because the conviction is huge.

Today is one of those days.

When I wrote earlier in the week about wrestling with pigs (and scheduled the post to go live this morning), it was a revelation for my heart.  Turns out it was one that's going to take a bit more work.

I spent most of the day wrestling with my own internal pigs.  And getting dirty.

I don't recommend it.

I'm probably still doing it.  And I'm working on that.

Anger and fear and exhaustion among other things easy pigs to engage.

I'm struck over and over again by choices.

By the reality that I get to choose.

And I struggle with that reality of choice.

Choosing to forgive.  Choosing to love.  Choosing to be joyful.

Because I can make those choices, but they seem intangible.  And sometimes I make the choice and it doesn't seem to matter.  Or I make the choice and have to make it again 2 minutes later, and again a minute after that.

And that reality makes me crazy.  Because deep down, even though I'm totally an "embrace the mystery" kind of gal, I really just like some things to black and white.  And these kind of choices and their affects are so grey it makes me crazy.

I don't love, either, the way that making a choice drops the responsibility in my lap. 

Because I know better than anyone how little I should really be responsible for.   How much I'd rather shirk responsibility.

This whole discussion brings to mind a favorite line from Gray's Anatomy.  "I'm an adult, when did that happen, and how do I make it stop?"

And while I pause to laugh at a line from a show that has spoken to deep parts of me over and over, I hear the echo of scripture, too, "...put aside childish things..."

And I wonder how to adapt to this new place of life.  To making choices instead of having someone make them for me.  And I find myself again clinging with that white-knuckled trust that seems to be defining the last few weeks to the reality that God is somehow in this, too.  And that He will be faithful to hold me.

Seriously? Seriously?

I had another crazy dream this morning.  Along similar lines to the one that so disturbed me last week, but not quite so disturbing.  Still, something I could have lived without at the moment.

I feel a little like I'm banging my head against walls at work these days.  So I stop banging and try not to care.  To not think about the fact that if I do such and such one way, it's not right, but if I do it the other way, that's not right either.  To not think about double standards and all that crap.  I hate that defeated "it's not worth the fight" feeling.  I mean, I know the value of "pick your battles", but these days it seems like there are so many battles that need to be ignored, because, in the grand scheme of things, if I'm going to take a stand, that's probably not the thing to stake my job on.

I think it makes me more upset that I'm dealing with all of this in a supposedly "christian" company.  I mean, I'm not naive.  I'm a pastor's kid and I've seen it all.  I know that those who claim to follow Christ aren't inherently less sinful and more moral.  But I think we should be trying for that - for a higher standard, beyond reproach.  Not lowballing to see how much we can bend the rules before someone objects.  It's terrible to say, but somehow, that bending of standards to suit one's purposes seems more acceptable, more expected, in a workplace that has a "secular" label.  And, to be honest, some of the secular workplaces I've been employed in have a much higher standard of honesty. 

All of that makes me sad, and then it makes me angry, and then it makes me feel helpless and powerless.  Especially on the days when the double standards are out in force and I've stepped away from several battles before 9:00 ever rolls around.

So, I remind myself that I am doing my job.  And that I do it well.  That I'm only responsible for my own choices and actions and honesty, not that of others.  And that I don't get to judge.  Even when it seems easy and I really want to.

And then I kind of let out a big sigh.  Because those reminders stink too.  Even when they're coming from me to me, and not being hurled at me by someone else.

I set my facebook status this morning to one of my favorite quotes from Grey's Anatomy, "Seriously? Seriously?"

Because that's how I'm feeling about life these days.

I have a better day, and then I have a crazy dream.

I talk myself into being okay with work for another day, and something happens to set me off.

The give and take of life makes me crazy sometimes.

And all I'm left with is, "Seriously? Seriously?" as I trudge forward down whatever path God is leading and think about those scriptures that talk about "the narrow way" and how they weren't kidding when they said this journeying with God is hard and steep and dangerous.

Seriously?

It was a weirdly eventful night, thanks to dreams and other sensitivities again.  A fact that is more frustrating given that I made the effort to turn my lights out early in the hopes of catching up after several weeks of rough sleep.

I woke this morning and the first thought that passed through my head (well, maybe the second, after a groaning realization that it was, in fact, morning) was to revert to a long-term habit of quoting Meredith Grey, "Seriously? Seriously?"

A few hours later, that's still pretty much where I'm at. 

I woke with a headache, too, so I'm trying to fight that off, preferably without drugs if possible.

And I have a ton to do, but the weirdness of my last few nights keeps reaching for me, drawing me towards it. 

And all I can say is, "Seriously?"

Daily 5 - Day 202

Today's Daily 5:

1. Grateful that the bus was late, meaning I made a connection tonight, instead of having to stand in the cold for 25 minutes waiting for the next bus.
2. My books are now all on shelves in my new space.  It's still a mess, but getting the books (and dvds actually) unpacked is a huge step in the right direction.
3. Did yoga for the first time since the car accident.  Didn't do the whole routine yet, but it was so good to be back to doing it.
4. A somewhat smoother evening tonight with Grandma.
5. Made good progress on my to do list for tonight.
6. Caught up on "The Amazing Race" - it's got to be the only reality show I'll watch.  Loving that the two cowboys that everybody thought were going to be stupid have finished first two weeks in a row.
7. Plans have come together for the next couple evenings that will let me be with friends, give me a break from unpacking, and a break from the ongoing Grandma saga.
8. Loving the audio book I'm listening to right now on the commute home in the afternoon.
9. Catching up on Grey's Anatomy tonight too.  I'd forgotten a little just how much that show is the thing I watch to just chill out a bit.
10. had a hamburger for supper.  Maybe it's weird, but I love the way the ketchup and mayo combine and the taste they make together.  My brothers would say that the mayo thing is our American side - it's not very common in Canada - but I love it!

Surreal Anniversary

It's Friday morning.

Another "anniversary" day.  This one is different again.  2 years ago today I was walking the stations of the cross in a monastery garden in Malta.  That walk had some interesting and far reaching results.  That day remains one of the more surreal experiences in my memory.

Have you ever seen the scene from one of the first seasons of Grey's Anatomy, where there's an unexploded bomb in a guy, and Meredith is in the operating room, and the others are scattered around the hospital trying to figure out what to do with themselves in the midst of this crisis?  Izzie has the totally opposite stress reaction to what would be normal, and is finding everything hilariously funny, even the things that are so very not funny.

That day two years ago was like that.  In fact, I remember calling that scene from Grey's to mind in the midst of that day. 

I laughed in a panicked, I"ve completely lost it kind of way that day, sitting in a private chapel that we'd been invited into.  It's that somewhat crazed laughter that really sticks out.  That I'd hit a breaking point after four weeks of crazy experiences, and the completely surreal nature of the events of that day just struck me as funny.  It took some time to control that laughter.

There were tears later, and fear.

Laying on my face in that same little chapel, only moments later.

A meeting of eyes that is burned in my memory.

A moment where I sensed God asking something of me, and I simply didn't, couldn't comply.  That moment has taught me much, and has been the source of silent "what if's?" ever since.

Today I remember a walk to the cross, a tiny puppy named Simon that shaped all of us who were there, the exposure of hidden things, and laughter.

Because looking back, there is something incredibly funny in just how surreal that day really was.

One day I'll share the whole story.  But today, today I'm just remembering.  Grieving a little, and laughing a little too.

Daily 5 - Day 100

Day 100! Crazy.

Today's Daily 5 (or so):

1. Friday!
2. Jeans at work
3. lunch with a coworker
4. freshly washed sheets and pajamas
5. soaking in a bathtub and watching Grey's on the internet (love having a decadent Friday evening)
6. Chinese food for dinner
7. wading through joy and sorrow amidst memories and yet being peaceful
   
8. pampering myself tonight (clay face mask, newly painted fingernails and toenails)
9. the smell of a freshly washed towel when I climbed out of the shower
10. hope - hope is precious, especially in a week that has been filled with deep, hard, odd moments.
    

Daily 5 - Day 93

Today's Daily 5 (and more):

1. Wearing jeans to work
2. Getting back some photo prints I'd ordered, and being really happy both with how they turned out, and with the memories they captured
3. A Friday night that went as planned for the first time in weeks
4. Enjoying an episode of Grey's Anatomy
5. Relaxing in a hot bath...
6. Bourbon Street Grill for dinner
7. Laughing with family and friends
8. curling up in bed with magic bags spread across my feet and against my achy back
9. really feeling peaceful tonight after a bit of a challenging afternoon
10. the satisfaction of working through my budget and knowing that it is workable for right now
    

Daily 5 - Day 87

After my appointment this afternoon, I found myself feeling very tired. I had dinner with my parents and my brother and his girlfriend, and then decided to forgo church tonight in favor of a quiet evening of rest. I've basically had the evening I've been hoping to have for the last several Friday's to have and haven't been able to for various reasons.

Today's Daily 5:

1. I'm thankful that the technician was able to repair our internet connection again.
2. Spending a quiet evening doing what I'd hoped to do last night.
   
3. Red wine
4. Grey's Anatomy - and seeing God speak amidst that yet again
5. Eating the cookies I baked this morning
6. Sipping a cup of mango rooibos tea
7. feeling fairly peaceful
8. Thankful for an appointment today that seems to have gone well (praying these treatments will truly help)
9. Spending a chunk of the afternoon resting
10. magic bags - so great when you're tired and your muscles ache.
    

The Titles Tell a Story...

It's clearly on record that I love Grey's Anatomy. I fell for it the first season it came out, and I've been watching ever since. Yes, it's a soap opera. I'm quite aware of that, thank you. But (and I know it sounds bizarre) I keep watching because God speaks to me quite regularly through the episodes, through the themes they explore, or especially through the voice over monologues that begin and end most episodes.

Lately, though the other things have still caught my attention, it's been the episode titles that have been telling a story. If you know me well, and know some of the things that have gone on in the last while, the titles of the last four episodes will likely make you chuckle. They tell a story about the journey I've been on as well.

Invasion

I Saw What I Saw

Give Peace a Chance

Invest in Love

Yep, they tell a story... one that I can't share all the details too, but let me just say that the progression made me chuckle when I noticed it tonight. Because it's a pretty accurate description of the way I've been journeying too. And of the places my heart has been, is, or is aspiring to be.

Friday!

I am incredibly glad that it is Friday. One more work day, and then I get a couple days to just rest. Here are some things that happen almost every week in my life (including today) and that make Friday great:

• Wearing jeans at work. (Today I'm also wearing a very cute top from Tibet with my jeans)
• Lunch with a coworker and friend (I think today's plan is Vietnamese)
• Friday is the day that my roommate is always out for the evening, guaranteeing me an evening to myself
• Friday is usually the day that I watch the current episodes of Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice for free, online
• Friday is also usually the day that I put some sort of clay masque on my face, and paint my finger and toe nails

This particular Friday holds the following specific pleasures:

• left over frittata and a glass of red wine for dinner
• followed by a slice of dulce de leche banana cream pie
• plans to simply rest and enjoy a happy Friday - last Friday was one of the worst days I've had in a long time, and I really missed having my solo quiet night off for myself.

Daily 5 - Day 53

Today's Daily 5:

1. The beauty of heavy wet snowflakes falling (but not sticking around just yet) against the red shale paths, and yellow leaves of autumn as I walked in the park today
2. Going back to "my" park for the first time since coming upon the stabbing site a few weeks back, and meeting Jesus there again, feeling safe enough, unafraid enough to walk there
3. going to church tonight - a much needed time with the corporate body of Christ after this crazy day and week
4. affirming conversations with my mom and my roommate
5. watching episodes of Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, and the West Wing as I drifted in and out of a much needed nap for a while this afternoon.
   

Daily 5 - Day 48

Today was not an easy day in any respect, making it more challenging to sit here tonight and come up with a daily 5, but here I am! Perhaps tomorrow I'll post a few photos from yesterday's wanderings...

Today's Daily 5:

1. Discovering inadvertantly that someone else is taking up the daily 5 habit definitely made me smile.
2. Seeing my mom for a treatment after work that helped to relax incredibly tight shoulder and neck muscles a bit
3. A long hot shower, and letting the shower ease the sore muscles even further
4. A quiet evening, sorting and uploading photos, while watching Grey's Anatomy on dvd
5. home made chocolate chip cookies to round out the evening