Monday, February 14, 2011

Coming Into Herself

It's no secret that Grey's Anatomy has played a huge role in my life and journey for the last seven years.

God has spoken to me over and over and over again through the years in the various episodes.

And, in a lot of ways, I feel like my journey has very much paralleled that of the characters, particularly of Meredith.  That sort of coming of age, and growing into oneself, and healing and overcoming the "dark and twisty" pasts.

I was thinking about that journey again on Saturday night as I watched last week's episode of Grey's, transcribing the monologue for the blog I maintain with the various monologues from each episode on it.

It wasn't so much the monologue that caught me in that episode, as the decision Meredith had to make.

She had her choice of two clinical trials to participate in.  One was seeking a cure for the Alzheimers, the disease that her mom died of.  The other, being pushed at her by the chief of surgery, was working to cure diabetes, and was being promoted as her "birthright" - her legacy.  It was based on research left behind in her mother's journals, and she was being told that it was really very much hers to carry on her mother's work.

And so I watched as she wrestled with the decision.  With the pressure coming from the chief, and, to a great extent, the pressure of her terrible relationship with her deceased mother, and all the years of wounding and healing that that had led to.

And I watched, as, at the end of the episode, she walked back into the chief's office, finds him poring over her mother's old journals, listens to his pitch one more time, and then calmly handed back to him the folder of information on his proposed trial.  "You knew the woman who wrote them.  That's why I gave them to you.  I was happy to read them and to understand her better, but the woman I knew was different.  But I am starting to realize how scared she must have been.  That had to be why she was writing everything down.  She must have been so scared.  So please, go ahead, I think it's right that you continue her work, but I really, just, want to cure her disease.  Good night, Chief."

I'm having trouble finding words for it, but watching that scene was a moment of clarity for me.  In a way that her character hasn't before, she was able to say, "No.  Despite all these other things, present and past, this is who I am, and I don't want to carry on her legacy, I just want to prevent the thing that killed her from killing others."

She stepped into herself, and in watching that I felt Jesus reminding me that I am learning to do this to.  That on the same night I watched that episode, I'd had a realization of an area in which I needed to step into myself again.  That that night I was able to see a decision that needed to be made, and make it.

It's an interesting thing, this coming into oneself.  This thing where it becomes about me and God, not me and all the people I try at times to please.  Not me and all the fears and guilt and pressures.  But me and God, and He offers me the chance to step into myself.  To heal a little tiny bit more (because that is my one word for the year).  And if I turn Him down, it's disobedience, and sin.

And so I'm choosing to step into myself in this moment.  To make that choice, to be obedient.  And I'm looking forward to seeing the results.


tea said...

Great post.
I've heard you talk about Grey's Anatomy here a few times, I'm starting to think maybe I should rent it so I can see it.

Lisa said...

Hi Tea!

I love Grey's Anatomy, obviously, but I also want to mention, before you rush out and rent it on my recommendation, that it is very definitely a soap opera - there are lots of very immoral and sexual things in it almost every week. That said, God has consistently chosen to use the characters and story lines to speak to me.

You'll have to let me know if you ever do check it out :) (But I totally understand if my disclaimer stops you!)


Miss said...

Wow, spiritual direction during Grey's Anatomy. That's great. Sounds like a good step in the journey.

I think we are behind schedule - not sure what series we are watching. I think they've just showed the shooting at the hospital.

Lisa said...

Jenny - yep, you're a bit behind. The shooting at the hospital was the end of the last season, so you're probably about half a season, 15 episodes or so, behind.

and yeah, I have oh so many moments where God really does speak to me during Grey's. It's kind of funny to try to explain, but it happens, and I love it!

Anonymous said...

I can identify with you in this. For so mix of my life I did what everyone expected instead of just becoming who God has created me to be. Thankfully I'm learning too.

Anonymous said...

I can identify with you in this. For so mix of my life I did what everyone expected instead of just becoming who God has created me to be. Thankfully I'm learning too.

Lisa said...

isn't it wonderful to be learning? (I mean, truly hard at times, but wonderful!)