Daily 5 - Day 261

Today's Daily 5:

1. Wearing my hair curly for the first time since I got it highlighted with a bunch of red again the other day.
2. A very much needed, long, lazy morning in bed
3. Spent about 8 hours with a friend from high school (saw a movie, did some shopping, went out for dinner, and walked for a while in my favorite park)
4. Having surprising conversations of a whole new level of depth with this long-time friend
5. Walking in my favorite park
6. bought a great new top, and a pair of black dress pants for work, both on sale
7. Really laughed at lot at the new J-Lo film "The Back-Up Plan"
8. Movie theatre popcorn.  With butter.
9. A hug from my friend
10. Setting up times to get together with some other friends and family over the next week or two, and knowing I'll get to collect hugs on most of those occasions as well.

Daily 5 - Day 53

Today's Daily 5:

1. The beauty of heavy wet snowflakes falling (but not sticking around just yet) against the red shale paths, and yellow leaves of autumn as I walked in the park today
2. Going back to "my" park for the first time since coming upon the stabbing site a few weeks back, and meeting Jesus there again, feeling safe enough, unafraid enough to walk there
3. going to church tonight - a much needed time with the corporate body of Christ after this crazy day and week
4. affirming conversations with my mom and my roommate
5. watching episodes of Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, and the West Wing as I drifted in and out of a much needed nap for a while this afternoon.
   

thoughts circling (can't avoid)

It’s finally Friday.

This has been a long, and weird sort of week, and I’m glad it’s ending.

There are dozens of things circling my brain.

I’m the queen of avoidance techniques, and even those are no longer working.

I’m hoping to go to my favorite park early tomorrow morning. There is a strong pull to be there. I need to walk, and pray. I need to throw stones, and leave some things behind. I need to stand by the water, and maybe dip my feet in it. I need to spend some time surrendering.

I’m thinking about poverty and provision, and my lack of ability to trust (though I’ve seen it over and over through the years) that God will provide.

I’m thinking about how easy it is to say that everything I own is God’s, even my money, and my things, and how hard it is to actually live that out.

A favorite bookstore begins their final close-out sale tomorrow. And I want to go and shop. And yet, this week I’ve realized that spending money is just another avoidance technique. That sometimes I shop with purpose and direction, but sometimes (often lately) I shop because I want to forget, or to avoid. And, as I think of visiting the bookstore, I realize that the pull is the sale prices, rather than the need for books. There are probably close to fifty books on my shelves that I have not yet read, and the list would likely balloon to close to one hundred if we counted the books that I’ve started and never finished. So I’ll probably skip the bookstore, and curl up with one of the many books I already own.

I’m thinking about Christ as the suffering servant. How that is both a completely comforting and totally discouraging image right now. How, as I tried to pray on the train this morning, I was essentially complaining about the rejection, the hurt, the things in my life, and I kept being reminded that Jesus suffered too. And that’s comforting, but not. Because He suffered, he understands. But He also said that because he suffered and was rejected, how can we as his followers expect any less? It doesn’t paint a particularly rosy picture for the future.

I’m thinking about trust, and how that’s still absolutely one of the hardest things for me to do.

And about how conquering fear is maybe the only thing that is equal in difficulty to trusting.

I’m thinking about the advice of a friend last weekend, not to pray for others until I myself had been filled and satisfied. About how hard it is for me to enter into the presence of Jesus and be satisfied. About how much easier it is for me to come to God on behalf of the needs and cares of those I love, than it is to come to him with my own needs and cares. About how much easier it is for me to believe that he loves other people than it is to believe that he loves me. About how I tend to feel that they’re more deserving of his love and his presence than I am. And about how I then have to battle jealousy that he is meeting and healing those I love, while I find myself broken and alone. And then I need to remind myself that as often as not I seek to avoid his presence, and I refuse to meet his gaze, or answer his call, because I don’t trust him to be gentle, I expect to be hurt and rejected.

And I wonder if the fact that I’m aware of all of these things is the first real step to the freedom and healing I long for?

I’m hoping to go to my favorite park tomorrow morning.

To walk and pray and meet with Him.

He’s calling me there.

And the word I keep hearing is “surrender”.

My Park

This article, about walking in the rain, made me smile this morning.

It talks about the park that I go to at least two or three times a month to walk and pray. The park I particularly enjoy walking in in the rain. (Though the article talks about a different part of the park then where I generally go.)