Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Seriously? Seriously?

I had another crazy dream this morning.  Along similar lines to the one that so disturbed me last week, but not quite so disturbing.  Still, something I could have lived without at the moment.

I feel a little like I'm banging my head against walls at work these days.  So I stop banging and try not to care.  To not think about the fact that if I do such and such one way, it's not right, but if I do it the other way, that's not right either.  To not think about double standards and all that crap.  I hate that defeated "it's not worth the fight" feeling.  I mean, I know the value of "pick your battles", but these days it seems like there are so many battles that need to be ignored, because, in the grand scheme of things, if I'm going to take a stand, that's probably not the thing to stake my job on.

I think it makes me more upset that I'm dealing with all of this in a supposedly "christian" company.  I mean, I'm not naive.  I'm a pastor's kid and I've seen it all.  I know that those who claim to follow Christ aren't inherently less sinful and more moral.  But I think we should be trying for that - for a higher standard, beyond reproach.  Not lowballing to see how much we can bend the rules before someone objects.  It's terrible to say, but somehow, that bending of standards to suit one's purposes seems more acceptable, more expected, in a workplace that has a "secular" label.  And, to be honest, some of the secular workplaces I've been employed in have a much higher standard of honesty. 

All of that makes me sad, and then it makes me angry, and then it makes me feel helpless and powerless.  Especially on the days when the double standards are out in force and I've stepped away from several battles before 9:00 ever rolls around.

So, I remind myself that I am doing my job.  And that I do it well.  That I'm only responsible for my own choices and actions and honesty, not that of others.  And that I don't get to judge.  Even when it seems easy and I really want to.

And then I kind of let out a big sigh.  Because those reminders stink too.  Even when they're coming from me to me, and not being hurled at me by someone else.

I set my facebook status this morning to one of my favorite quotes from Grey's Anatomy, "Seriously? Seriously?"

Because that's how I'm feeling about life these days.

I have a better day, and then I have a crazy dream.

I talk myself into being okay with work for another day, and something happens to set me off.

The give and take of life makes me crazy sometimes.

And all I'm left with is, "Seriously? Seriously?" as I trudge forward down whatever path God is leading and think about those scriptures that talk about "the narrow way" and how they weren't kidding when they said this journeying with God is hard and steep and dangerous.