Rest. Busy. Rest.

Midway through last week all of the events of the last month and a half caught up to me and my introverted self put its foot down.

Turns out that several major family medical emergencies, exploring and wrestling with whole new faith convictions while visiting friends in another country, starting a new semester of nursing school in a brand new area of practice with a steep learning curve, starting to wean off my antianxiety meds, working part time, making changes in diet and exercise practices, and just generally trying to maintain a personal, social, and spiritual life can be exhausting.

I know I'm overwhelmed when I sit in a nursing class before the lecture begins, and the voices of all those women (and a very few men) talking and talking and talking grates on my nerves to the point where I kind of want to scream at everybody to shut up, or I might lose it!

With all that in mind, I set this weekend aside for rest.  (Mostly.)

I am thankful that this semester I have three day weekends in which to actually manage rest a bit more fully.

I slept late on Saturday morning, got up and did a bit of housework, took a long nap, did a bit more housework, and then went to bed.  It was pretty much divine.  I think I only saw one other human being the whole day, and talked to one on the phone.  Perfect for my tapped out self.

Sunday was kind of the opposite.  I had breakfast with a long time friend (stuffed french toast - not the best ever, but not bad). Then we did a couple errands together.  I followed that up by going wedding dress shopping with one of my oldest friends.  She's getting married in February, and I'm her maid of honor, so I joined her and her mom to start the process of finding "the dress". And then I followed that up with a family dinner of sorts with a few extra people, which is pretty much the norm for our family.  Lately family dinners have sometimes been hard - they emphasize that even though I'm the oldest sibling, I'm the only one who is single, without any current prospects, and that goes to a different church than the rest of the family.  Those dinners sort of emphasize the ways in which I often struggle to fit within my family, and if I'm honest, I was kind of dreading this one when my mom called to set it up.  That said, it was lovely!  The addition of the extra bodies this time served to keep it from being quite so awkward feeling, and even though I was tired, it felt good to laugh with my family. I rounded off the day by borrowing mom's car so I could tackle my grocery shopping for the week, then caught a ride home and pretty much crashed.  (Though I enjoyed every bit of the day individually, the sum total of all that people time was still a bit much for my exhausted introvert self.)

And then there's today.  I pretty much slept until 11.  I know, I know, lazy, right?  I justify it by reminding myself that for the next four mornings this week my alarm will go off at 4:15, 4:15, 6:30, and 6:30 to kick off very full days.  I laid in bed for a while catching up on email, and then planned to kick off my day with the last of my pre-made smoothies.  Alas, the smoothie was off, so I tackled the first recipe on my list of cooking for the week - pina colada quinoa.  As I'm sitting to write this, I have a bowl of it in front of me, and it's not too bad!  I'm cooking a lot of quinoa these days in the midst of the effort to eat less starch, and mostly eliminate gluten from my diet, and this is definitely not the best of the quinoa recipes I've tried, but it's edible, and hey, I get to add another recipe to my list of new recipes I've tried this year.  I'm planning to round off this day with a few errands, and a coffee date with a friend, and then some homework.  The first quiz of the semester is happening this week, and I have some policy and procedure documents for neonatal care that I need to work my way through.  Oh, and I'm finally going to hopefully make some progress on the baby blanket I'm making for my future niece or nephew, since, you know, he or she is now two days overdue and likely to show up any time!

Rest. Busy. Rest.  That's my weekend, and while I could use maybe one more day of lying low, the fact that I'm now aware of just how drained I'm feeling is a good thing, and will let me manage my energy and schedule a bit more carefully for the next couple weeks while I work to recover some equilibrium.  Sweet deal.

And with that, I'm off to finish off my breakfast quinoa and get started on some of the little things that I want to do while I'm puttering around and resting today!  Happy Monday!

Holiday Monday

This is my nearly perfect day...

A holiday Monday, preceding the last week of school.

All that I have going on is a bit of studying and paper writing, and a couple of errands.

And I'm so loving that.

So loving that.

Can't wait to sink into rest in a new and solid way.

Here's to finals week that won't be super stressful.

Here's to a holiday Monday for resting.

Peaceful Stillness

Yesterday afternoon as I was driving a borrowed car, I paused and realized that for the first time in several months I felt truly at peace.

I worked until 3am Sunday morning, and then crashed at my parents place, sleeping and then enjoying the stillness of an empty house on a sunny Sunday morning.

And so I found myself driving and realized that I felt at rest.

For the first time in a while nothing felt like it was hanging over my head.  I'm slowly settling into my job.  There are minimal deadlines left for this semester of school.  I felt free, still, peaceful, joyful.

It was lovely.

Recovery and Catch-Up

My middle brother is married!  That was pretty much the theme of the last two weekends in my life.  One with a bachelorette party, and one with a wedding.  I got home from the reception somewhere between 1 and 2 am Sunday morning, fell into bed, and slept until noon.

I'll write more about the wedding later this week, and maybe even share a photo or two.

Today, and this week, really, are about recovery and catch-up.

I have all the normal school commitments (plus two midterms, and a paper to write), and the normal church and life commitments, and a few work shifts, but the rest of the week is devoted to catching up and recovery.

I've been around people a LOT the last few weeks, and my introverted self needs some time away.  My evenings for the week are planned around quiet and alone time, mostly, and I can't wait.

I need to catch up on sleep.

I need to catch up on email and blog reading.

I need to catch up on a stack of homework and assigned readings.

All very doable within a series of quiet evenings.

The most adventurous I'm planning to get at this point is venturing out to get groceries tonight.

It should be awesome.

I can't wait to have the chance to sleep, rest, and be restored.

A week devoted to catching up and recovery?  Sounds just about perfect to me.

Lazy Day

For those of you who missed it, last Thursday was my last day of classes for my first semester of nursing school.  I have an exam this coming Wednesday, but it's not too bad, and so I've been luxuriating in quiet and space.  I slowly feel myself re-emerging from the haze of school.

And now, now it's Monday.  I'm house-sitting for my folks for a couple of days, and it's lovely to have a slight break from my usual more challenging living situation.  It's also lovely to have hours on end of alone time.

And so I'm propped in bed, knowing that in a little while I'll be propped in a sunny chair, and I'm making plans for today.

My day today will include:

• just a bit of studying, to get things going for Wednesday's exam
• cooking or baking of some sort
• a short trip to the university, to wrap up my clinical placement in a 15 minute meeting with the instructor (trying not to think about the hour each way I'm going to spend on transit for that 15 minute meeting)
• maybe some bus reading (you know, since I have that time on transit, and it's sunny outside)
• a bit of creative time
• a bit of television time
• sending a few emails I've been waiting to dedicate some time to
• curling up to do some writing that has also been on hold

It pretty much sounds like an ideal day as far as I'm concerned.  Nothing too strenuous.  A lot of time for creating, resting, being still in a different way than what I've been learning about since school began.  This sort of stillness is preferable if you ask me. It doesn't teach or challenge in the same way, but it's preferable.

And so I'm off to engage this day.  And I'm smiling, because days of rest are far too rare to waste!

Quiet and Rest

Quiet and rest have been my themes of the week.

For those of you who don't follow me on facebook or twitter, my temp job came to an abrupt end last Friday, three weeks before I expected it to end.

It's a bit bittersweet in that I could definitely use the income.  But it was an incredibly negative work environment, one which I'd ask my friends just the night before it ended, to pray that I would have wisdom to continue navigating.

And so, after two weeks of being quite ill and over three months of working in a tough environment full-time, the themes of this week have been quiet and rest.

I've been spending time in the kitchen, trying new recipes and creating.

I've been putting on television and movies that make me smile, and curling up with some knitting.

I've been browsing pinterest, hunting for inspiration, and gathering supplies and tackling some projects.  (I made the first attempt at some very cute earrings that use paperclips as a base yesterday - with a little tweaking, I'm going to love them!)

Yesterday a friend from house church and I hung out and spent the afternoon catching up, and baking at a leisurely pace, making some decadent treats that I will deliver tonight to the social services agency where my brother works with teenagers who a part of live-in program to help manage their severe mental illnesses and emotional problems.  My brother has challenged me in his work there, in the way he has loved on these kids who quite literally don't have anyone else to love them.  When he texted me a few weeks ago and asked if I'd be interested in doing a bit of baking for a Christmas dinner that the staff provide for the kids and some of their family members, and that they wanted to make it a really special dinner, one that might truly be a once in a lifetime opportunity for these kids, I jumped at the chance, and corralled some friends from church who also love to bake.  So, yesterday we baked, and tonight I'll go with my dad to drop off the results.  There are plans under way for my friends and I to bake regularly for these kids in the coming year - providing special treats.

There's something about a chance to minister in that sort of way that makes my heart sing in a way that using my many administrative skills never has.  Yes, I'm good at office work.  I'm quick, efficient, and skilled.  But I don't love it.  It doesn't make me come alive the way creating, caring for people, and feeding anyone who wants to eat does.  And so today, as I continue to rest, enjoy quiet, and create, I'm pondering that, and what it looks like for my future...

Craving Quiet

It's Sunday, just barely afternoon, and I'm home alone.

In a few hours, that will end, as family trickles back from the church "day at the lake" that they're enjoying today.

Lately I find myself craving quiet.  The only noises in my house right now are those flowing through the windows (a bit of traffic, a lawnmower, the occasional airplane overhead, a few birds), and the sound of my keys as I type.

Usually I prefer background noise, but lately, mostly I just want the quiet.  The only music I'm tolerating easily is the sort of stuff you'd hear at a spa... really gentle flowing sounds, mixed with nature - water and birds and wind.

I tried several of the things I normally enjoy on these quiet Sundays - watching a church service online from a church I love in California, turning on the food network in the background as I sit and putter online.  None of them lasted long.  Just quiet today.

I think my soul is craving some stillness.  Some soft ways to soothe pain and restlessness. 

I'm leaning towards a day spent reading and resting.  I have several books that I need to make some progress in.  Some for personal growth, some for pure interest and entertainment, some because I simply made a commitment to read them.

I'm needing to tackle some journaling that has been on hold, and to quietly sit and plan the coming week - making sure to create the time and space necessary for the self-care and quiet that my spirit seems to be craving in greater abundance right now.

So, quiet it is.  For now anyway.

I slept a bit late, and then laid in bed reading, waiting for the house to empty, and giving myself permission to not need to know exactly what was going on, to simply rest and wait for the quiet to descend.

I sat and read a number of reflections that Christianne wrote, that had been collecting in my google reader all week - waiting for me to have the quiet space to absorb them, allowing her words, reminders and reflections to rest and stir in my heart as I sat here in the arm chair, talking quietly to Jesus.

And now I'm going to read, to eat a little, to write and pray, and maybe even nap again.  To embrace quiet until my soul is satisfied, filled up again, and ready to re-emerge.

Tuesday Morning, Resting

This is the first day in several weeks where I haven't had to crawl out of bed early, rushing off to work, or school, or some other commitment that was stealing my time, and I am savoring it, still nested under blankets, though it's now closer to afternoon than morning.

I fought for a few extra hours of sleep this morning, pushing through the dreams that lately have been haunting the last hours before I wake.  Each time they roused me, I rolled over, turned on a new piece of music, or a sermon, and let the notes or voices carry me back into sleep.

I stayed at mom and dad's last night, since I was out late with them, watching my brother play hockey, and it didn't make sense to go home for a few hours, only to crawl out of bed early and return to their house.  It was nice to have an extra night here, without the stresses of the crazy living situation at grandma's house.  Without the way her house seems to intensify the dreams.

I've been awake for a few hours now, laying here, quietly reading a novel that I picked up at the library last night.

I'm fighting a cold that began to make itself known yesterday with full sinuses and an aching throat, and this quiet morning is much needed, since it will be a rarity in this month of juggling responsibilities and commitments.

In a few minutes, I'm getting up.  A shower, some food, a bit of yoga, then settling in to tackle the next term paper on my agenda.  The last term paper.  The one that needs to be basically accomplished before I go to bed tomorrow night, since it is due on Friday, and my usual Thursday day off for writing will be mostly filled with a shift at work, and then teaching at house church.  So, I will write, today, tonight, and tomorrow night, and polish a little after work on Thursday, before printing and submitting on Friday.  And then, then the papers will be done and it will be time to study for the final exams that begin on Monday.

And so, my day begins with rest and then picks up speed.  Here I go.

Resting in Between

I'm taking an hour or so to vegetate in between obligations today.

I spent a very large chunk of the morning poring over 500 or so Greek word bases in an attempt to store them in my memory before writing a midterm.

Then I wrote the midterm (which went well!).

And now, now I'm taking an hour or so to rest, catch up with some blog reading, and the news out of Japan, and just breathe a little before heading out to my evening plans.

I'm working at a Steve Bell concert tonight.  (If you don't know his music, you should!)  I've worked for Steve every time he's been in Calgary since I was 12.  That adds up to seeing him live probably 20 to 30 times over the years.  Tonight's concert is a release concert for his new album, and I'm quite looking forward to it.  Should be a fun evening, filled with really great music!  Hooray!

And so, since I was puttering online for an hour, I thought I'd stop in and say hi!  I'll be back tonight as usual with the Daily 5!

Sunday's are for Resting

Yes, yesterday finished slowly.

But I ended up spending a great deal of it feeling fairly ill, as some health stuff that flares up occasionally flared.

I cooked a fabulous new dish, part of my goal to make at least 12 over the course of the year, and ended up barely being able to eat any of it.

A long treatment from mom left me feeling a bit better, and I headed towards bed.  The bonus is that for the first time in several days, I slept fairly well.

And so, today is mostly for resting.

I haven't changed out of my pajamas yet. I'll get up in a while and shower.

I'm working on some things that need to be accomplished, but I'm doing them from a chair, watching Top Chef, wrapped in a blanket, and with magic bags across my sore hips and neck.

So I'm resting.  Because today, caring for me, letting myself heal, looks like rest.

Fast Start, Now Slow

I started the morning with lots of activity.  That is, I started the morning by taking a 9am 90 minute warm yoga class with a friend.

We were two of only about 8 students who ventured out today.  The reason the class was small?  Well, it snowed overnight.  Probably close to six inches.  And it's still coming down.

But hey, in that room it was warm and cozy, and always, I finished the class relaxed and stretched out.

The first 15-20 minutes of every class is brutal.  My body is saying to me, "what the heck are we doing?"  And then it somehow relaxes and goes with it.  Yoga is the first form of exercise (other than maybe swimming) where my body has ever gotten past the "what the heck are we doing, it hurts" phase.

And now, it's snowy outside.

I was supposed to go to a party at a friend's house tonight, but haven't been able to sort out a way to make my way there and back again, so it's looking like it's going to be a quiet evening, cooking dinner at mom and dad's and hanging out.  I'll probably do a bit of homework today, maybe venture into some reading and writing.

I think we're going grocery shopping to pick up some necessities for the next week, but mostly my plan is for a super mellow day.  And I'm excited for that, a day of quiet rest.  Of thinking and praying, and maybe making a few decisions, but mostly just resting.  The perfect way to spend a very snowy Saturday.

Maybe Quieter?

Yesterday I was supposed to spend most of the 8 hour work day making phone calls.  It was supposed to be a quiet day.  I spent about an hour and a half making calls.

Today seems to be shaping up to be quieter, and I'm thankful for that.  I remain thankful for my job this year.  It was just the right thing, at the right time - a restoration and confirmation of trust in God's perfect provision in moments that I didn't know I needed it.

So, it will be a day of calls and supervising volunteers, and then, off to mom and dad's for my (now) usual weekend retreat from the crazy realities of my living situation at Grandma's.  A sort of quiet, but not so much weekend.  A Saturday appointment, a few errands, a library trip, a family gathering.  But hopefully some time to just rest.

Life has thrown a lot at me this year, and I'm still managing to live amidst those things, and sometimes even thrive, but I'm definitely tired, and time to simply rest sounds just about perfect.

Bus Reading

Barring last weekend's failed attempt at bus reading involving a migraine headache and motion sickness, spending three hours or so on a weekend riding a bus circuit has become one of my favorite ways to relax, and to find time to read, think and pray.

So, I thought I'd give some tips on the best way to have a bus reading experience.

• Pick the right length of loop.  Only you can know how long this is.  Mine is about three hours.  
• It must be a loop.  Transferring takes away from the relaxation factor.  You're preparing for the transfer, making the transfer, and then waiting for the end of the route.  The interruptions to the thinking time will not do.
• Make sure, if at all possible, to sit in your favorite seat on the bus.  Mine is on the left side as you're facing the back, the first bench seat in front of the back doors.
• A sunny day is the best.  Or a grey day where the sun somehow manages to poke through.
• A variety of reading materials is essential.  At least two to three options.  You're probably only going to read one, and depending on your speed of reading and your ideal loop length, you're probably going to read almost all of that one, but at least for me, I never know for sure which book it is that's "right" for that day until the loop starts.
• Resist the urge to check email or facebook on the phone.  I check mine once or twice.  I limit it, because I get on the bus so that I'm reading with focus, away from a screen.
• Notice the route.  Put down your book and let the things you're driving past stir you to pray.
• Snacks are necessary.  I recommend chocolate.  Also, a bottle of water.
• A journal and a pen for both the journal and for marking key passages in your book (well, obviously not if it's a library book!) is also helpful
• this is a solitary thing.  I was thinking the other day how much I'd like to share this particular pastime with some dear friends, and realized it wouldn't be the same if it wasn't solitary.  I'd never manage to have a friend there and not be conscious of them and what they're doing, even if we didn't sit together and weren't talking.  The solitary time is what makes it an introvert's dream escape.  There are people around for people watching, but they're mostly quiet, and most won't talk to you.

Mostly though, I think think bus reading has to be personal.  It works for me in a way that sitting in a coffee shop or a library or a bookstore wouldn't.  It has the right mix of people and lack of distraction.  It's a place and a way to spend time that lets me relax and enter into my own heart.  Into my love for words and ideas.  Into praying for the important things and people in my life.  Into dreaming and longing.  And my place to do that on the bus is just that, my place.

I hope each of you has one of those places, too, and I'd love to hear what it is for you.

Friday!

Since I was out of work for quite a while, it's been a long time since Fridays brought welcome relief.

But, this week, after putting in a very full and crazy week, and dealing with the continuing aftermath of all kinds of crazy family and personal stuff, I'm SO ready for a weekend.

Especially since this weekend is a rare one that is incredibly low key, with very few appointments or formal plans.

My one big goal for Saturday is to hop on the bus and take the three hour loop I was taking almost daily before starting work, and have some quiet down time to read and think and pray.  (What does it say about my living situation that riding the bus for three hours is the safest and most peaceful place to get in some downtime for quiet and reading?)

Tonight I'm having dinner with a friend and her daughter, but low key, order in pizza sort of dinner at her house.  Tomorrow I might be seeing a movie with my mom and aunt.  Sunday afternoon I'm spending a couple hours at a paint your own pottery place with a friend.  The only other thing on the schedule is to hopefully make a trip to my favorite farmer's market (indoors of course!) to pick up some fruit and things to keep me fed for breakfasts and lunches through next week.

And that's all folks!  Quiet is the name of the game.  Low key.  Resting and praying and recuperating.  (At least that's the plan... )

Pajama Day

After the slightly rough start to my morning I decided to emerge from bed.

It turned out that simply giving myself permission to stay in bed was all I needed, and when I spotted the sunshine, a new plan formed.

The other day Hope made a comment in a blog post about liking to clean in her pajamas.

This morning, as I pondered the day ahead of me, I remembered that comment and inspiration hit.

I declared it a pajama day.

I made a list of things that either could or should be done today - some household stuff, and a lot of self-care stuff, and decided that I would do some or all of it, but that I was not changing out of my pajamas.

I recommend this as a way to spend a day.

And, to be honest, I didn't do much on my list.  Mostly I rested.  I got up and did a few things here and there, but mostly, escapist television, and tea and resting.

And I recommend it as a way to spend a day.

I needed this day.

A pajama day.

And I plan to continue resting, watching escapist television, and maybe doing a few little tasks here and there through the evening.

Oh, and praying.  I have some time set aside later to pray for some specific people, events and things.

It's been a good day.  (And it's been a while since I could say that, so it's really nice to say it today.)

Pause

Late last night as I was emailing with a friend, I answered a question she'd asked for clarification, and realized I needed to take time to just pause.

I sort of immediately declared that today, this morning, would be about pausing.

About sitting with Jesus for a while.

Praying about some complex situations and relationships in my life.

Praying for some friends who have very specific needs and have been heavily on my heart.

This morning is about taking that necessary time to pause.

Past the mid-way point

I'm laying in bed in the home of my friend in California and pondering.

For the last hour, my friend Karla's "Chair and Microphone" album has been playing softly through my headphones.  Her music is the stuff I often turn to first in the moments when I need to think and pray and process life a bit.  My heart hears Jesus when she sings.

Sometime last night, or in the wee hours of this morning, drifting in and out of semi-restless sleep and dreams, I hit the realization that comes for me with every trip - the realization of being past the half-way point of this escape.  That the days remaining are growing fewer.  The realization that a return to the harder realities of day to day existence are coming, and soon.  That what comes next - the healing to come, the things to deal with, the waiting on school acceptance, the looking for a job, seem exhausting and overwhelming and sometimes even terrifying.

And really, I want to cocoon forever in the escape place (wherever it is, whichever vacation it is), full of laughter and hugs and friends who know all the messy stuff and want to hug on me and love me anyhow.  I think about the community around me at home and long for that place of openness to come.  I grow impatient with the reminder that there isn't history there yet, and that day to day life doesn't tend to hold room for the hours and hours of intense conversation that escapes have.

And so, I pause to consider the coming day, with Karla singing quietly in the background.  To ready my heart for the things it holds, but also to bask in it, to draw sweet memories and moments to hold to when the end of the escape comes and reality returns.  To have things to remind me of hope in the harder moments that are bound to come.  Because that was the point of escaping anyway - to get away from reality for a few days and rest and prepare for the coming of new realities.

Carrying Safety

I loved the apartment I lived in before I moved in with my Grandma.

I loved all the funny quirks like the tiny, nearly counterless kitchen, the smoke detector that was too close to the kitchen and overly sensitive.  I loved the location of it, and the roommate I was living with (a dear friend).  But what I really loved was the sense of peace there.  It was peaceful, and it felt safe, and that, to, was a treasure.

I didn't realize it until I moved into Grandma's basement.

I didn't realize just how special that peace, that sense of safety, was, until it was suddenly gone, and I found myself facing some crazy family situations, personality conflict with my grandma, the quirks of living with someone who is nearly 81, and, oh, did I mention the incredibly dark spiritual atmosphere that I suddenly encountered in this house?

Within a week I was desperate and longing for that safety I'd loss.

Sleep had become non-existent thanks to nightmares and oddly demonic encounters.

I didn't have the refuge of a good friend to come home to and share what was going on inside me at the end of the day.

And I was letting the world (or at least those close to me in my world) know that I was less than pleased with this particular turn of events, especially since I believed (and believe) that God had led me to this place, to move into this home.

A dear friend of mine responded with a challenge I didn't really hear at the time.  It took a few months of misery for the truth of her words to really sink in.  She told me that safety isn't found in location, that it's found in a deep understanding of the presence of Christ with us, wherever we are.  That it is something we can carry with us.  And then, in a way that made her point sink in, she joking quoted a line from a pastor that we've both appreciated.  A line that sort of annoys me in both it's truth and my own lack of sleep.  The line goes like this, "You have authority over any storm you can sleep through," and is of course referring to Jesus sleeping in the boat in the midst of the storm, and then rising, bewildered at the disciples' panic, to speak calm to the storm.

I was caught in the midst of a storm, and I knew it.  I definitely wasn't sleeping through it!

It's been a journey.  For months now, as I've lived in this crazy set of life circumstances, I've felt God teaching me about finding safety in him alone.    About the fact that because He never leaves me, I am safe wherever I go.  About the fact that I can exercise authority over some of the storms in my life, simply by choosing to trust his words.

It's been a journey of learning to trust.  I talked recently about the many changes in direction my life has taken in the last six months.  I don't know that I would have been in a place to step with trust into the uncertainty of pursuing nursing without the lessons of riding out the storms.

And these days?  These days, after a whole lot of praying, and anointing my bedroom with oil, and a whole lot of just ruthlessly ignoring and trusting, I'm sleeping through some of the storms.  The nightmares have mostly receded.  I'm thankful for that more than I can say.  But mostly I'm thankful that I've learned and am learning that I can trust the risky, crazy, safety of Jesus, and that it goes with me, through all kinds of dark places and lovely places too.

Really Good Stuff

It seemed like there was a plethora of good stuff out there in the blogging world today, as I made my morning rounds.

Stuff I liked included:

Seth Godin's post on consumer debt.  Amen and amen.  I did some calculating on the weekend, and, given my soon to be carless state, and assuming (a big assumption right now) that there aren't some sudden changes to my living arrangements, I will be out of debt (except for my student loans) within a year.  That, even despite how crappy the situation is that is bringing it about, brought a huge smile to my face.

The post at Homestead Revival on the family budget.  Let me just be clear - I have no intention whatsoever of raising chickens or goats to save money.  (These would actually likely cost me money, since I rarely eat eggs and I don't drink milk.)  I probably wouldn't use a lot of her listed tips.  But, I like the idea of living more naturally and saving money while doing so.

The "Equal Weight" post at Gitzen Girl.  I've only been reading Sara's blog for a little while, but I've come to appreciate her words, and I look forward to the moment when my blog reader lets me know that there's a new post up and ready to be enjoyed.  And not just because I'm absolutely in love (given my daily 5 lists and ongoing goals for the year) with her tagline of "Choose Joy."  I particularly liked this post today because of the message it spoke to.  Yes, take risks, but consider them, too.  I feel like that's a concept I've been weighing this last week as I've navigated the loss of a car that is coming within the next few days.  What are the things that are positive in this?  And am I letting myself properly grieve the losses too?

Today's "Serious Wednesday" post at Stuff Christians Like.  Because I'm definitely guilty of resisting rest.  I talked about that yesterday while reflecting on my friend's reminder to be gentle with myself.  And because I'm in the process of figuring out a way to really set aside a much needed day or two to just rest sometime this month.

Shouldn't I feel better?

I slept last night.  Sort of, anyway.  None of the crazy dreams, or weird horrifically dark "encounters" of the previous couple of nights.  The things that had made me terrified to turn out the lights in my bedroom last night (I contemplated a nightlight for the first time in 15 years, and did end up leaving my laptop screen on, instead of turned off the way I normally have it.)

So shouldn't I feel better this morning?

Because I don't.  I'm still exhausted and edgy.

It seems funny, because each time I woke in the night all I felt was relief.  There was nothing stirring in my bedroom.  Sort of that deep sigh that comes from the relief of waking on edge, and then realizing you can actually breathe a little.

Though, I suppose, given the fact that I woke on edge each time, there was likely adrenaline coursing through my body even as I slept, and coursing adrenaline probably doesn't do a whole lot for actual rest.

The relief, remains this morning.  Last night I simply did not feel up to fighting the battle of the previous few nights, and I was relieved to find in those moments I woke that it didn't seem to need to be fought.

But here's the thing that's niggling - it comes down to trust for me.

I felt God's peace descend a bit as I was getting ready to turn out the lights last night.  As I sat propped in bed and quietly read Psalm 91 aloud.  And the overarching promise of my life, the one that I want to have tattooed in visual form on my back, is a verse from Genesis 15, where God speaks to Abram and says this, "Do not be afraid, Abram.  I am your shield, your very great reward."  I'm one of those people who believes that God speaks, and I believe he spoke those words over my life in the midst of a very challenging season a number of years back, "I am your shield."  I believe that, but I have a hard time trusting it.  And I failed at trusting last night.  I knew that peace, and yet couldn't accept it, rest into it, trust it.  And this morning, because I couldn't trust and rest in that, I'm paying the price for a night that held more sleep than usual for me - a night that could have been restful and restorative, but was instead filled with the surge and crash of adrenaline as I'd wake on edge and then realize I was still safe, and could rest.

I should feel better this morning, but I don't particularly.

I'm left pondering lessons in trust still to be learned.  It's been a theme for these last two and a half very hard years, and apparently it will continue to be a theme for a while.

And as I wonder what to pray, as I confess my lack of trust, I'm reminded again of the father of the demon possessed boy, and the plea he cried out to Jesus, and today I pray that with him, "Lord, I believe.  Help my unbelief."