Quiet Spaces

About once a year or so, I begin to crave quiet.  I feel an impulse to turn off whatever it is that I've been watching on DVD or netflix lately, to quiet the stereo, and just be.

Usually when that happens I still find space to write.

But this week?  This week I'm feeling that craving creep up on me, and I'm ever so aware of the impending arrival of another full semester (rumored to be the most intense in my program).  I'm ever so aware that my short summer break is waning, and that I need to honor the craving for quiet.

I'm aware that I need to be present to friends (both long distance and nearby).  That I need to take time to read, and journal, to pray and process, to create and simply to be.  That there are parts of my life that need careful attention, that there is cleaning and organizing that I want to accomplish before heading back to school.

And because I'm craving quiet, and aware of the waning of summer, this space is going to be quieter.  None of the "regularly scheduled programming" for the next week or so.  I'll probably pop in occasionally, and I'll be here with the Daily 5, but that's it.  Just the things that can't help but spurt out of me, and my usual daily practice of thanksgiving.

I'm off to honor the quiet in my life for a while, and I'm pretty sure I'll return with more to say than I've had in quite a while.

The Problem with Quiet

I've talked lately about how much of a blessing this unexpected time of quiet and rest has been.  I've talked about rediscovering introverted parts of myself, and understanding in new ways that alone time, or time with a few dear friends is what feeds my soul.

But this week I was reminded of the downside of all that quiet.  Or at least the downside if you're an introvert with tendencies to analyze, over think, avoid, and or generally inclined to ascribe to the position that "the unexamined life is not worth living."

The problem with quiet is that eventually the preceding exhaustion subsides.  Eventually the novelty wears off.  And then?  Then you are left with your thoughts.

(Can I just say that the time right before the holidays, when everyone is busy and happy and joyous, maybe even raucous, is not a great time to be alone with highly introspective, slightly less than happy and joyous thoughts?)

It took about a week for me to realize that the novelty of the quiet was wearing off, and my mind and heart were taking the opportunity to remind me that there are still unsettled things within them.  That there are wrestles that are more easily sidestepped when life is full, busy, and loud.  About a week of increasingly disturbing dreams marring my sleep, forcing certain wrestles to the surface of my consciousness for me to recognize the phenomenon occurring within me.

It's not a phenomenon that, for all my experience with it, I've quite figured out how to handle.  It's made more challenging by the fact that some of the things stirring relate to conflicts with those who are quite intimately connected to me - the sorts of people that the holidays demand I spend time with.

I am going to bed at night praying with just a hint of desperation for Jesus to be present deeply in my thoughts as I sleep.  That nothing not of him would penetrate my dreams.  That I would be held and protected.  (And I share those dreams that remain when morning comes with a few select and trusted friends, knowing that they too will pray as I negotiate the challenges of my mind and heart that are surfacing in my dreams.

And so I pause and acknowledge that that which feeds me also holds challenges.  That this too is something to balance.   That just like food, perhaps too much silence is not quite healthy either, and that there is still healing and learning to be done.

Quiet and Rest

Quiet and rest have been my themes of the week.

For those of you who don't follow me on facebook or twitter, my temp job came to an abrupt end last Friday, three weeks before I expected it to end.

It's a bit bittersweet in that I could definitely use the income.  But it was an incredibly negative work environment, one which I'd ask my friends just the night before it ended, to pray that I would have wisdom to continue navigating.

And so, after two weeks of being quite ill and over three months of working in a tough environment full-time, the themes of this week have been quiet and rest.

I've been spending time in the kitchen, trying new recipes and creating.

I've been putting on television and movies that make me smile, and curling up with some knitting.

I've been browsing pinterest, hunting for inspiration, and gathering supplies and tackling some projects.  (I made the first attempt at some very cute earrings that use paperclips as a base yesterday - with a little tweaking, I'm going to love them!)

Yesterday a friend from house church and I hung out and spent the afternoon catching up, and baking at a leisurely pace, making some decadent treats that I will deliver tonight to the social services agency where my brother works with teenagers who a part of live-in program to help manage their severe mental illnesses and emotional problems.  My brother has challenged me in his work there, in the way he has loved on these kids who quite literally don't have anyone else to love them.  When he texted me a few weeks ago and asked if I'd be interested in doing a bit of baking for a Christmas dinner that the staff provide for the kids and some of their family members, and that they wanted to make it a really special dinner, one that might truly be a once in a lifetime opportunity for these kids, I jumped at the chance, and corralled some friends from church who also love to bake.  So, yesterday we baked, and tonight I'll go with my dad to drop off the results.  There are plans under way for my friends and I to bake regularly for these kids in the coming year - providing special treats.

There's something about a chance to minister in that sort of way that makes my heart sing in a way that using my many administrative skills never has.  Yes, I'm good at office work.  I'm quick, efficient, and skilled.  But I don't love it.  It doesn't make me come alive the way creating, caring for people, and feeding anyone who wants to eat does.  And so today, as I continue to rest, enjoy quiet, and create, I'm pondering that, and what it looks like for my future...

What I Love Best About Sunday Mornings

On Sunday mornings, because I camp out at Mom and Dad on weekends, I get the only chance in my whole week to be completely alone in a given space.

Their house empties as they go to church.

I sleep in, and then dress and head upstairs.

There is a recliner waiting for me, or maybe a kitchen.

On Sunday mornings I tend to do one of two things to enjoy my time alone.

I curl up in a comfy black recliner with my laptop and maybe a book or journal, and I catch up on blog reading, and on emails.  I maybe watch a little bit of television, or play some music.

OR

I putter in the kitchen, tackling a new recipe, or simply baking something that I really enjoy.  If I do this, then I pop in a dvd and laugh as it plays while I cook or bake.  (The kitchen is open concept, separated from the living room by an island, so I can watch in the living room while standing in the kitchen.)

But mostly I just love that whichever of these relaxing activities I choose, I'm alone.  No one else in the building.  The choice of noise vs. silence is mine.  The choice of activity vs. stillness is mine.  I love that.  There is something about that quiet aloneness that feeds my soul in ways that I need.  It's truly lovely.

Still Quiet

Just like I wrote yesterday, I ended up embracing quiet.

No television, no music. Hardly any conversations.  Almost no computer usage.

Just me, a journal, and a stack of books.

That was how I spent the vast majority of the day, and it was so needed, and truly lovely.

I watched a bit of television when I arrived home last night, and then sank back into quiet.

I'm still embracing quiet this morning, and plan to absorb it for much of this day as well.

I have a list of things to accomplish today.  Appointments, reading, writing, little chores and tasks, hopefully a yoga class.  But the plan is to absorb quiet in between those things, and even during those things.

I'm rather looking forward to it, actually. 

Craving Quiet

It's Sunday, just barely afternoon, and I'm home alone.

In a few hours, that will end, as family trickles back from the church "day at the lake" that they're enjoying today.

Lately I find myself craving quiet.  The only noises in my house right now are those flowing through the windows (a bit of traffic, a lawnmower, the occasional airplane overhead, a few birds), and the sound of my keys as I type.

Usually I prefer background noise, but lately, mostly I just want the quiet.  The only music I'm tolerating easily is the sort of stuff you'd hear at a spa... really gentle flowing sounds, mixed with nature - water and birds and wind.

I tried several of the things I normally enjoy on these quiet Sundays - watching a church service online from a church I love in California, turning on the food network in the background as I sit and putter online.  None of them lasted long.  Just quiet today.

I think my soul is craving some stillness.  Some soft ways to soothe pain and restlessness. 

I'm leaning towards a day spent reading and resting.  I have several books that I need to make some progress in.  Some for personal growth, some for pure interest and entertainment, some because I simply made a commitment to read them.

I'm needing to tackle some journaling that has been on hold, and to quietly sit and plan the coming week - making sure to create the time and space necessary for the self-care and quiet that my spirit seems to be craving in greater abundance right now.

So, quiet it is.  For now anyway.

I slept a bit late, and then laid in bed reading, waiting for the house to empty, and giving myself permission to not need to know exactly what was going on, to simply rest and wait for the quiet to descend.

I sat and read a number of reflections that Christianne wrote, that had been collecting in my google reader all week - waiting for me to have the quiet space to absorb them, allowing her words, reminders and reflections to rest and stir in my heart as I sat here in the arm chair, talking quietly to Jesus.

And now I'm going to read, to eat a little, to write and pray, and maybe even nap again.  To embrace quiet until my soul is satisfied, filled up again, and ready to re-emerge.

Quiet

Today is a day for quiet.

For cleaning, and for prayer.

For lifting some deep needs I've been made aware of to Jesus.

For thinking, and maybe journaling.

For pondering patterns.

For celebrating the joyful moments as well.

For gardening if it doesn't rain, and reading if it does.

But mostly for cleaning, and for praying.

Amidst it

It's been a long time since I've gone two days without posting anything other than the Daily 5 here.  A long time.

I've had a pretty crazy couple of weeks, juggling the new job, school, and personal and church commitments, and it's taken it's toll.  I'm feeling drained, and struggling, if I'm honest, to simply make it from day to day.

Those of you who have been reading here for years know that I have a love/hate relationship with dreaming.

For years, before being healed from depression, I struggled with incredibly intense nightmares.

In my head, healing meant that all dreams would go away, and I would sleep.

God had other plans.  In the nearly six years since that time, I've had a huge variety of dreams.  The kind that are clearly from God.  The kind that are an intense playing out and processing of the things going on under the surface in my life.  And I still have nightmares from time to time - dark, terrifiying, generally spiritual things.

I've gone through seasons of being at peace with the fact that dreams are a way I process, and a way that God speaks to me.  And I've gone through seasons of hating both of those realities.

For the last three weeks or so, as I've been so busy, my already more limited time for sleep has been filled with dreams.  Mostly the processing sort, a few nightmares.  For me, that means that I have woken, nearly every single morning, from a dream.  (The dreams I remember when I wake come almost without exception in the hours just before I rouse for the day, and I almost exclusively wake directly from them, into the space of needing to sort out the dream from reality.)

I'm exhausted.  There have been a lot of interesting realities in my life the last month.  The juggling of commitments.  The work of healing - that one word that is mine for this year. 

And some realities of the supernatural or spiritual world that I don't tend to talk about a lot here, because they don't tend to fit into the safe and normal and rational world.   Those realities have been intense lately, too.

And so, amidst all this, I'm struggling.  And staring at two weeks with final exams, and the continuation of other commitments.

I'm asking questions about coping methods, and watching as the ones that have worked well for me seem to be falling apart, at least temporarily, and searching for new ones.

And amidst this, this juggling it will quite possibly be quieter here.  There may only be the Daily 5.  It feels weird to say that the quiet is needed, and honestly, every time I give myself permission to be quiet, it was really the permission, the release of pressure that I needed, and there is suddenly a plethora of things to write about.  So, who knows?  But for now, I'm giving myself the permission to be quieter, and giving you who have so faithfully read here, an explanation of sorts for the potential that there may be quiet.

I'd appreciate your prayers as I make some decisions, seek counsel, and figure out ways to cope and be healthy.  I so appreciate all of the connections I've made through this space over the years - each of the unique friends that are a part of my life.  Thanks for reading, thanks for praying, thanks for sticking it out here through the quiet spaces as well as the ones full of words.

Pause

Late last night as I was emailing with a friend, I answered a question she'd asked for clarification, and realized I needed to take time to just pause.

I sort of immediately declared that today, this morning, would be about pausing.

About sitting with Jesus for a while.

Praying about some complex situations and relationships in my life.

Praying for some friends who have very specific needs and have been heavily on my heart.

This morning is about taking that necessary time to pause.

Quieter

I know it's been quieter around here lately.

Good things are brewing.  Things I'm almost ready to share.  (I actually just need to find the time to sit down and write about them in a way that works for sharing.)

But, in the meantime, I find myself with less to share.

Without the job that I'm daily realizing was a way larger source of stress in my life than I ever thought or knew, I don't feel the need to gripe daily.  And without that job, I don't have to curb my social life quite so significantly, and have been seeing people I know and love, and sharing the things on my heart with them, verbally.

And I suppose the blog has suffered for that.

In the meantime, well, I'm coming back, and making plans to be here more regularly again, with more than just the daily 5 lists.

But I'm also enjoying the quiet.  I think I was pressuring myself to have something to say, or write, or gripe about.  To show up 2-3 times a day.  I'm not into having that pressure right now.

This is holding true in my email life, too.  I'm hitting delete way more often, instead of forcing myself to read or reply to things I'm not all that interested in.  I'm thinking about simpler, and quieter a lot.

So, I'm enjoying the quiet.  But I'll be back!

Daily 5 - Day 237

Today's Daily 5:

1. There is artwork hanging on my walls
2. Dinner at The Olive Garden with a new friend
3. The brief moments of quiet snatched here and there
4. The quote about butterflies that I posted earlier tonight
5. words flowing, a little, as I seek to process the challenges life has thrown at me over the last month or so

Back in the Office

It's Monday morning, and I'm back in the office.

I'm wishing I could be curled up someplace warm, instead, near a fireplace, and spend the day writing and processing.  There's a lot shifting within me, and I'm wishing I had the time to really entertain that, to sit with it and honor it.  But this week is the busiest one on my schedule in probably the last year.

I forgot that our receptionist has the day off today, so I'm doing double duty.  My job and hers. 

And it's Monday morning, and all the calls that were stored up over the weekend are coming in.

If I can steal a few moments to write, I will.

I'll sit quietly on the bus tonight.  I'm taking two buses to get home tonight - it'll take a long time, really, but I wanted to give myself that time and space.  I needed to grocery shop after work, and there is a bus stop just outside the grocery store.  So I'll sit and listen and read as I take the bus for a few hours to get home.

In the meantime, I was just tasked to make a large number of phone calls, trying to track down people who are elusive at best, and get them to commit to two conference calls within the next week.  This, in addition to answering the phones all day, and my general duties.

It'll be an interesting day, it seems.

Friday Thoughts

It's Friday.  It's sunny, and I'm wearing jeans.  These three things are contributing to a general sense of well-being at the moment.

I've finished a cup of tea, and have a long "to do" list to dive into for the day, and a longer one for once I'm home tonight.

My "at home" list includes things like:

• meal planning
• choose a new recipe to cook tomorrow night at mom and dad's
• make a grocery list
• update my budget
• wash the sheets on my bed, and my towel
• mail a card to some friends who just had a baby
• catch up on some reading
• sort the remaining boxes into piles:  the "to be put away pile", the "to go through" pile, and the "to store" pile
• catch up on some of my favorite television online
• upload some audio books from the library onto my ipod for future listening
• burn some music for my mom and a sermon for T & L
• catch up on emails
• paint my fingernails

I'm hoping for a quiet evening, mostly uninterrupted by Grandma.  I'm looking forward to the mundane stuff of life.  To just quietly being and settling a bit.  To hopefully having the kind of quiet Friday evening I always looked forward to.  I'm feeling like I need that today.

It's Friday, and I have the gentle anticipation that I may actually get to have that quiet evening.  I'm not entirely certain, because of the variables of living at Grandma's.  But I'm cautiously hopeful.

In the meantime, it's sunny, I've finished a cup of tea, and I'm wearing jeans.  All of these are things to be thankful for.

Rough Night, Start Again

It's Monday morning.  It's snowing, and quite windy, and the trip to work was cold.

It was a rough night, full of dreams.  Not entirely unexpected given the last several days of processing, or the ongoing thousand miles a minute state my mind is in thanks to all of the transitions around me, but still rough.

I warned my roommate this morning that I was going to be rude - that I'd had a really rough night, and that instead of chatting with her on the way to the bus, and on the bus to downtown the way I usually do, I was going to plug in my ipod immediately.  I needed to create that quiet space this morning - to just listen to scripture and worship music.  Time to think and pray and adjust my headspace a little from the place of frightening dreams, to a place of looking ahead towards the day.

And now, I'm sitting here, sipping tea, and facing the start of another incredibly busy week.  It will be busy at work, and busy at home.  Major work projects need to be out the door by the end of the week.  At home I'm car hunting, hopefully starting to paint, and packing. 

I can do this.

But I'm glad for that little bit of extra quiet space on the bus this morning.  It was needed.

Boxing Day

It's 9:30 a.m., and I am still sprawled in bed.

Unusual for me, but necessary, after two nights long past midnight in a row.  (Sleep issues mean I usually aim for bed by 10:30 at the latest, giving myself as long as possible to be horizontal and rest, knowing that I often struggle with sleep.)

It's kind of nice.

A few years back, my brothers and I would haul ourselves out of bed early in the morning, aiming to hit the sales at all of their favorite surf and skate shops.  (I was usually after a hoodie, or something I wouldn't normally buy in those shops where prices are higher.)  I asked them both yesterday if they would be shopping today.  One rolled his eyes and commented that he didn't want to be anywhere near places for shopping at this time of year.  The other commented that he was broke, but had promised to accompany a friend who wanted to shop, so he'd keep his word.  None of the three of us could convince ourselves that there was anything we needed badly enough to get out of bed and brave crazy lines and crowds in the cold.

So here's how my boxing day is going to look:

I'm going to lay in bed just a little bit longer.  And probably grab something to eat for breakfast.

Then I'm going to get up, do a load of laundry, and take a shower.

There is a stack of empty baking containers in my kitchen sink that need washing - remnants from the manic packaging of several weeks worth of baking into present form yesterday morning.

At some point I'll likely migrate to my parent's house, where the agenda will likely be either watching a movie, or one of the Plantet Earth dvds that my dad received as a Christmas gift.

Low key.

So good.

~~~

I'm thinking too, about the fact that the church recognizes the feast of St. Stephen today. 

I've always loved the story of Stephen, the first martyr.  It has moved me in ways I really can't explain.

I've loved, too, the introduction it offers to Paul - as the one standing there, offering his approval to this vicious killing, by holding the cloaks of those doing the stoning, so they wouldn't have to get dirty while engaging in such a dirty task.

So today, amidst my quietness, I'm thinking again about the cost of following... Not a bad thing to consider, I suppose, as I go about my quiet day.

Quiet (Slow Recovery)

I made it in one piece to my parent's house, though it took far longer than it normally would.

Thankfully the roads were more sloppy than icy today, though I drove through nearly white-out conditions at times with the falling and blowing snow.

Then off to pick up George. (He's in one piece, and much more driveable with winter tires.)

Home.

Yoga and a hot shower.

Then dinner comprised of leftover pizza, and an evening of quiet.

There are candles lit, and I'm doing the little things that need to be done.

Sewing buttons.

Updating a budget.

Quiet things.

It's a slow recovery from the drain of the last week and the weekend.

And I am grateful for an evening that will allow quiet and a slow recovery.

Daily 5 - Day 43

My headache remains persistent, and my muscles are still protesting my very existence, but I am finding several things to list as part of today's daily 5:

1. Newly painted finger and toe nails. The toes are bright red this week. Last week I painted them emerald green, which I eventually got used to and loved, but for the first 24 hours, I couldn't decide if it was pretty, or if it just looked like I had a really awful fungus!
2. A quiet evening spent relaxing on the couch.
3. Time spent digging into scriptures that have been playing over and over in my head, in preparation for some plans on the weekend
4. A great frittata that my roommate made for dinner. That is how eggs should always be cooked - in such a way that you mostly can't taste (or more importantly, feel the texture of) the eggs. Plus, I got a night off from cooking!
5. Spending an hour or so sitting in a sunbeam on the "wrong" (the visitor) side of my desk at work this afternoon, perusing promotional catalogs in search of some gift ideas for our volunteers.
   

Daily 5 - Day 37

Today's Daily 5:

1. A much quieter day at the office
2. Being way more "okay" than usual after a particularly rough night
3. Sharing a dinner provided by some church members because of a major renovation that has gutted my parents kitchen, with my parents, and laughing with them.
4. A quiet evening, home alone, long hot shower, and taking the time to do my finger and toe nails.
5. An episode or two of Grey's Anatomy, and some time reading as well.
   

Thankfully Quiet Thus Far

This has been a day that has been remarkably quiet.

I'm not certain I can communicate just how much of a blessing that is today.

In about 40 minutes, I'll leave the office, do a few errands, and then head for home.

I'm looking forward to a quiet evening of self-care, prayer, and rest.

Sunday Morning Quiet

This has been kind of a crazy week for me and Jesus.

A good week, but a bit crazy, and, just in this moment, one that I don't have a lot of public words for.

I'm planning to spend today quietly, and by myself. I'm think I'll probably go to Heritage Park for a while. Ride the old fashioned amusement rides. Maybe take advantage of the Harvest Fruits and Vegetables Sale that's going on this weekend at turn of the (nineteenth) century prices.

My roommate went camping and hiking, and I don't expect her back until fairly late this evening.

So, I'm planning a quiet day. Maybe a few little excursions, and time in my favorite park. Maybe a movie. But likely mostly just quiet. Reading, resting, thinking, writing, praying, and cleaning. Maybe pulling some supplies off the shelves and doing something creative.

But quiet.

Other than the live webcast of Jason Upton at a church in Texas that's currently playing in the background. Because that is soothing my jangled soul as well.