Amidst it

It's been a long time since I've gone two days without posting anything other than the Daily 5 here.  A long time.

I've had a pretty crazy couple of weeks, juggling the new job, school, and personal and church commitments, and it's taken it's toll.  I'm feeling drained, and struggling, if I'm honest, to simply make it from day to day.

Those of you who have been reading here for years know that I have a love/hate relationship with dreaming.

For years, before being healed from depression, I struggled with incredibly intense nightmares.

In my head, healing meant that all dreams would go away, and I would sleep.

God had other plans.  In the nearly six years since that time, I've had a huge variety of dreams.  The kind that are clearly from God.  The kind that are an intense playing out and processing of the things going on under the surface in my life.  And I still have nightmares from time to time - dark, terrifiying, generally spiritual things.

I've gone through seasons of being at peace with the fact that dreams are a way I process, and a way that God speaks to me.  And I've gone through seasons of hating both of those realities.

For the last three weeks or so, as I've been so busy, my already more limited time for sleep has been filled with dreams.  Mostly the processing sort, a few nightmares.  For me, that means that I have woken, nearly every single morning, from a dream.  (The dreams I remember when I wake come almost without exception in the hours just before I rouse for the day, and I almost exclusively wake directly from them, into the space of needing to sort out the dream from reality.)

I'm exhausted.  There have been a lot of interesting realities in my life the last month.  The juggling of commitments.  The work of healing - that one word that is mine for this year. 

And some realities of the supernatural or spiritual world that I don't tend to talk about a lot here, because they don't tend to fit into the safe and normal and rational world.   Those realities have been intense lately, too.

And so, amidst all this, I'm struggling.  And staring at two weeks with final exams, and the continuation of other commitments.

I'm asking questions about coping methods, and watching as the ones that have worked well for me seem to be falling apart, at least temporarily, and searching for new ones.

And amidst this, this juggling it will quite possibly be quieter here.  There may only be the Daily 5.  It feels weird to say that the quiet is needed, and honestly, every time I give myself permission to be quiet, it was really the permission, the release of pressure that I needed, and there is suddenly a plethora of things to write about.  So, who knows?  But for now, I'm giving myself the permission to be quieter, and giving you who have so faithfully read here, an explanation of sorts for the potential that there may be quiet.

I'd appreciate your prayers as I make some decisions, seek counsel, and figure out ways to cope and be healthy.  I so appreciate all of the connections I've made through this space over the years - each of the unique friends that are a part of my life.  Thanks for reading, thanks for praying, thanks for sticking it out here through the quiet spaces as well as the ones full of words.

Blow after Blow

This last week has held another couple major blows in life.

I'm feeling pretty beat up as I lay here, getting ready to get out of bed.

I'm confused and hurting and oh so tired from nights in a row of restless rest.

So, this morning as I work to get myself up, I'm thinking about the kids book I wrote about here.

About this line from near the beginning, "Sidney felt broken.  And some days that made it hard to get up in the morning.  Some days, in fact, Sidney couldn't get up at all."

And these lines from near the end: 

As for Sidney, he still had his share of messes, though not as many as before.  And there were still a few days when he wasn't quite sure he could get up in the morning.  But if you stood outside his window on one of those days, this is what you'd hear:

"First of all, he loves me.  Secondly, he loves me.  And thirdly - He loves me."  

And that was all it took.

 
And as I lay here, feeling physically ill from the emotions and exhaustion exacerbated by the latest blow, I'm talking to myself, repeating as a mantra, "first, he loves me.  secondly, he loves me.  thirdly, he loves me."  Over and over again until my heart can again absorb the truth my head is trying to communicate to it.

Limbo

If I could take back the last hour and a half, I would.

Sometimes this living my entire life in limbo business catches up to me, and exhaustion piles up, and I stay stuff I regret.

out loud.  to people I love.

this was one of those nights, the sort of ridiculous capper on a day that actually wasn't too bad.

honestly, after moments like this I contemplate life as a hermit, and battle against feeling convinced that I don't fit in any sort of polite company.

and I speak out of this place of limbo.

and out of a place where the longer the limbo lasts, the more invisible and discouraged I feel at times.

and I battle some long held thought patterns.  lies mostly.

thankfully with a bit more help than I used to have. 

tonight I am reminding myself that I'm not a total disaster all of the time.

that for most of today I was not an emotional basket case (or that I at least didn't share my basket-case like feelings with the world at large.)

that not every day will be like this.

that I am taking steps in my life to make this better.

but today, right this minute, with tears running down my face, after having another tired, emotional and angry conversation with someone I love, I feel just a bit helpless and hopeless and alone.

and living in limbo feels like hell.

Trying not to be Crabby

I'm working on not being crabby. 

Not all that successfully.

Totally bad mood.

Frustrated with my job (and stressed as this conference draws closer and things aren't getting done.)

Still not sleeping hardly at all.

And frustrated with my living situation, and the regression it's causing in my health and moods and energy levels.

So, working on not being crabby.

without a lot of success.

Stillness

The ability to simply "be still", I'm discovering, is not the easiest thing to develop. That was the thought that hit me as I was driving to work this morning.

By all accounts, I should be good at "still." I'm an introvert, who prefers quiet and alone to noise and people. Most of my happiest moments are alone, or with the few people with whom my relationship is so natural that I feel as free as if I were alone. In fact, I force myself to schedule social events in my daily life most of the time, and, while I enjoy them as a general rule, there is still often the sense that time alone would have been equally if not more enjoyable.

There are moments where I am easily able to move into stillness. And moments when stillness is the space in which I am able to live.

These last few months have not held those moments.

I've felt the adrenaline coursing through my veins. The stress of hunting for a place to live, the relief of finding one relatively easily. The stress of packing, then moving, and then unpacking. The end of wedding central with a wedding out of town. Family obligations. Dealing with moving various utilities to our new house. Taking care of the need to upgrade and renew my drivers license. Wondering if the money would hold out in the midst of somewhat higher than usual financial obligations. Anticipating another out of town wedding that will hold both joy and some very big challenges for my heart. Working through some very challenging relational issues. Some frustrating health setbacks. And God working deeply in some very raw and painful spots in my heart. Intense and vivid dreams. Launching a new product at work, and this week having a week where because of a vacation, I'm juggling my own job and another job with full-time responsibilities. Hot weather that my body doesn't handle very well. All coupled with many weeks where sleep was fleeting if it came at all. I've felt almost manic in my desperate attempt to juggle it all, and my continuous reminders to myself to "not be stressed, these things don't matter hugely in the grand scheme of life."

There have been "oasis" moments. A conversation with a new friend in a coffee shop that unexpectedly went to the deep places quickly, and reminded me of the things my heart loves. A period of time sitting in a mountain-top meadow, praying. A beautiful wild rose, shielded by a stone and the roots of a tree, near my favorite lake. But the moments have been a bit fleeting, and I am weary.

I've known for a bit now that I was running on fumes. That I was becoming deeply soul weary. The crash came suddenly, but not totally unexpectedly last night. I'd simply been hoping that it would wait to come until after this long weekend full of obligations.

It didn't.

So. I'm thinking about stillness, and how, after a season that has been nearly manic, it's hard to settle back into that place of stillness. About how I'm banking on a few short days off to be restorative, but how I realized this morning that if I can't manage to find stillness before those days, I will be unlikely to find it then. About how I fear that though I desperately need to meet Jesus, he won't show up in the time I've set aside for that, and how I fear the bereft and broken way that will make me feel. About the rational voice that reminds me that I'm in trouble if I'm only meeting with Jesus in the rare times when I can carve out a few days for him, and that I'm not meeting with him in my daily life.

Stillness is not my best skill when I'm coming off a time of driving, nearly manic stress, but I'm going to make an effort at it for the next couple of days. I'm going to try to do things that my heart loves, and that I find restful. Please don't laugh at me when I tell you that one of those things is a trip to Ikea to buy some much needed organizational supplies, followed by unpacking. It's starting to bother me that there are things scattered around our living room, and it will help me to be still if I can get that last bit of unpacking off of my plate. So, I'm going to take my time shopping. I'm going to rest and read. I'm going to intentionally (more than ususal, since I do this nightly) spend some time in scripture. I'm going to restore order to some places where my stressful month has left havoc - physical and emotional spaces.

And I'm going to practice stillness, push into it, rather than backing away from it, remembering a moment just recently where my heart was nearly still, and I turned away from the calming things, back towards that driving mania and stress (and paid for it at the cost of a night of sleep.)

On My Mind...

It is my prayer that as I continue to journey through life, my body will learn that it doesn't need to freak out every time we come up against a week or two that are more stressful than normal. Because my body freaking out doesn't exactly reduce the stress level if you know what I mean.

I'm thankful these days that I can recognize many of the symptoms as stress reactions, and ignore them as much as possible. That I can remind myself that this is how my body tends to respond to stress. (These days that is meaning that I'm forcing myself to eat inspite of a dramatically decreased appetite, and a certain degree of nausea.)

I'm still fighting off the terrible cold that kept me home in bed for most of the day on Monday. The sore throat lingers, and the sneezing and constant nose blowing are enough to drive a person batty.

I'm not sleeping properly again (so what else is new when I'm stressed), and the neck and shoulder problems I aggravated about three weeks back are still causing daily headaches.

And yet, somehow, today, I'm coping.

We take possession of our new apartment tonight, and will take the first load of boxes over. We'll also likely take a load or two of boxes tomorrow night, doing everything we can to minimize the amount of loads and moving required for the major move on Saturday, when all of our furniture will move to the new house, and we'll officially be living there.

Unfortunately, because of the debacle with my internet/telephone/television provider that I mentioned on Monday (and let me just say it again, in case you missed it - DON'T EVER get Telus TV), we won't have telephone or internet access in our new home until Wednesday, July 1st. A fact I find incredibly frustrating due to the nature of my conversation with Telus on Monday, but hey... It's only four or five days, right? (Is it terrible that I'm hoping I can pick up an open wireless signal somewhere in our building? If not, I'll likely be making the occasional evening trip to Starbucks to keep up on my emails.)

Tonight I'll also be making a trip to the library (my roommate has books to return) and to the bank, and to some sort of store (any store really) to pick up a roll or two of packing tape. Oh, and after we take a load of boxes and stuff over to the new place, I'll also be spending a bit of time progressing on the packing in our old place.

I'm not actually stressed about the process of moving. At the moment I'm feeling like we have that well in hand. I think I'm simply reacting to the stress of transition. I think I've told this story here before, but I had an adventure-loving friend once ask me, "Don't you ever just feel like you have to get out of your comfort zone?" My answer? A resounding, "NO!" Usually, many months after the transition, I begin to be grateful for it. But mostly, I'm not a fan. I like a pretty staid, boring, routine life. It makes me happy. And so, last night, I was awake much of the night, with the thoughts of transition running through my head.

Like I said, these days I'm thankful that I can recognize the fears and lies. That I can identify them. And I'm praying for the day when they simply won't be there anymore.

Conglomeration

I didn't sob when my mom showed up and hugged me.

I did cry again once she left.

I'm probably 60% packed now. The vast majority of my possessions are books, and we packed about 18 boxes worth of those tonight, powering quickly through three large bookshelves and one small one.

In my head I'm feeling less stressed about this move than I was earlier. But the rest of me hasn't caught on yet.

I think we're taking possession of the new place on Wednesday night, and will move a load or two that night, and another load or two on Thursday night.

I follow a blog with photos of Rome, and came across this post the other night. If memory serves, it's taken very near where we stayed in Rome, and, despite the many things that have come from that trip, it was somehow a hopeful thing for me to see. A hopeful memory.

I've also been following my friend LP/CA's updates on her current travels. Looking at her photos and hearing her stories have once again re-awakened my travel itch. I think I'll just tuck myself into her carry-on bag the next time she travels and tag along! Or maybe I'll spring for an airplane ticket!

I'm tentatively hoping to get outside of the city on Sunday, post moving crazyness. I'm feeling the smothering of the city again, and need to find some time alone and away from Calgary for a few hours. I'm not sure George is up to it, but I think I'll head out anyway.

And with that, I think I'm going to curl up for a while and read some Psalms, and maybe journal just a bit. The tears are still flowing every few minutes, and I need to rest. I think I'll be in bed within the hour.

Roommate Tensions?

So, our house is feeling a little tense this afternoon.

Our landlord stopped by, and will be listing our house tomorrow. He requested that we keep the inside of the house cleaned and the lawn mowed so that the house shows well. (He'll give us 24 hours notice before any showings, but still...) This means we need to do some cleaning (have I mentioned that one of my roommate's in particular is not the cleanest person around??) and that the lawn needs to be mowed.

All of these are tasks I've taken care of for most of the last year. That I've done far more than my fair share of the time. And today, today I just need to rest. I'm tired and my energy levels are pretty low from yesterday's activities and demands, so, I'm wrapped in some blankets and crashed out for the moment in front of the television, watching a dvd.

I simply left a note on our fridge white board, letting my roommates know that the cleaning needed to be done, and the lawn needed to be mowed. (And, in my defense, I scrubbed the bathroom before I left the note.)

One roommate took it well. The other, not so much. But, you know what, I'm trying to not let that bother me. We've all got stuff on our plates. Yes, she's planning a wedding, but really, with the amount of time she and her fiancee spend at our house, one of them can take an hour to mow our lawn (it's not that large.) So, I'm working on not letting her annoyance bother me. They're all heading out again later and the house will be nice and quiet and peaceful.

At this point, I just want to survive the next month. I need to find one roommate and I a place to live. I need to go through the involved process of packing and moving. I need to survive the last month of craziness in wedding central. And I need to do all of these things without becoming totally homicidal or saying things I'll regret.

Tired...

I'm heading for bed. Or at least to read in bed.

I'm really tired. Weeks of sleeping only 4 or so hours most nights is catching up to me. Last night I stayed with some friends. I normally sleep well at their home for whatever reason - something I can't say about very many places. Last night wasn't unsettled, I just hardly slept.

I crashed for two hours on the couch this afternoon, and I'm still exhausted.

I did something to the muscles in my left shoulder and neck yesterday. They're painfully stiff. I'm laying with a magic bag draped behind me.

I'm dreading going back to work tomorrow. I feel guilty for dreading it, but I'm so done with the stress, and other's stress, and the negative emotions flying high, and having enough work for three people, when I'm only one person. I'm tired of being blamed for things that aren't my fault, and doing the work for a manager who has a staff, and for whom I don't even really work for.

I could use a week off.

This last while has been full of stressors. People stuff. Work stuff. Personal direction in life stuff. I could use a week where all that was on my agenda was laying on the beach with a really good book. Or laying on my couch with a really good book. Or laying in a bathtub with a really good book. (are you catching the theme here?)

This week, however, remains busy. Full of all the stressors. So, I'm choosing to trust - that Jesus walks with me and shields me. That I will survive (and possibly thrive). I'm choosing to be thankful for the beautiful things, and to try not to carry the ugly ones with me.

And I'm going to bed early.

Good night!