Limbo

If I could take back the last hour and a half, I would.

Sometimes this living my entire life in limbo business catches up to me, and exhaustion piles up, and I stay stuff I regret.

out loud.  to people I love.

this was one of those nights, the sort of ridiculous capper on a day that actually wasn't too bad.

honestly, after moments like this I contemplate life as a hermit, and battle against feeling convinced that I don't fit in any sort of polite company.

and I speak out of this place of limbo.

and out of a place where the longer the limbo lasts, the more invisible and discouraged I feel at times.

and I battle some long held thought patterns.  lies mostly.

thankfully with a bit more help than I used to have. 

tonight I am reminding myself that I'm not a total disaster all of the time.

that for most of today I was not an emotional basket case (or that I at least didn't share my basket-case like feelings with the world at large.)

that not every day will be like this.

that I am taking steps in my life to make this better.

but today, right this minute, with tears running down my face, after having another tired, emotional and angry conversation with someone I love, I feel just a bit helpless and hopeless and alone.

and living in limbo feels like hell.