In Writing or In Person

After I posted my daily 5 post last night, with a little bit of an explanation of why making those lists moves and changes me, I got to thinking about how there are a number of areas in my life right now, where I'm involved with newer groups or relational settings, and how little of myself I feel like is being expressed in those settings at this point.

And then I opened my twitter account and wrote the following two successive tweets:

"I have to laugh when I publish a blog post and I realize how well you have to know me before my written self and my in person self match up"(from here)

and

"My in person self is reserved unless I'm comfortable. If I'm comfortable, the intellectual writer, thinker, prayer and Jesus lover emerges." (from here)

I'm still thinking about this topic this morning - about how in new relationships (with some exceptions) it tends to take a very long time for my most true self to appear and find expression.

Part of that comes from the introversion.  Often new relationships begin in group settings, and group settings have never been my forte. They intimidate me.  I don't like being the center of attention, so unless I am very, very comfortable that it is safe to expose myself in even a minor way to everyone in that group, I'll likely remain quiet, sit near the back, and tend towards preferring invisibility wherever possible.  I'm not shy, really.  If you ask directly I'll likely answer.  But I'm also comfortable with not needing to be the one who answers (the exception to this being the times in my life that I've been in a teaching or leadership role), and in fact I rather prefer it that way.

Part of it comes from that thing about safety. In the past I felt that to not immediately put everything on the table was a sort of lie of omission, and I couldn't stomach that idea.  I've exposed parts of myself in the past in settings that I knew might be less than safe, and I've paid a price for that.  As I've gotten older, and had some good therapy, I've learned about things like boundaries, and valuing myself enough to be careful with what and how I share myself, recognizing that the whole world doesn't need to know the deepest parts of my heart - that I can choose to reveal those things to a select few, and that in making that choice it is not living a falsehood, but rather seeing myself as a person who was created as a valuable child of God.

I'm remembering numerous times in the past where someone who has known me in person for quite some time discovers my writing (something that is admittedly harder to do these days, since I do far less of it in any sort of public forum) and then comes to me and asks some variation of the question "Where did this come from? Who are you????"

And so it makes me smile, and sometimes just a bit frustrated to ponder how my written self expresses the deeper parts of me that often take a very long time to emerge in person.  And it makes me smile in a bigger way to consider that several of my closest friends are those who met me in writing long before they met me in person.  Because they already knew the deep parts of me, we skipped that awkward stage, and it was and is a lovely way to begin a friendship, at least for my introverted self.

And I'm smiling because I know about myself that in person it takes me a while, and because those tweets last night sprang from a place of frustration over a number of arenas in my life right now where I feel hidden and unknown and the process of relationship building just doesn't quite seem to be clicking.  It sprang from a genuine wrestle with trusting safety, and from a place of impatience with the process of relationship building.  It sprang from a place of recognizing that there are a number of deep things going on in my heart and life right now, and feeling frustrated with knowing how and where to express those in ways that are safe, and will nurture them, rather than yanking them up by the roots.  And it sprang from a loneliness for local friends who know me in the deeper ways.

I'm the same person in person as the person who writes, but it takes a while for the two personas to catch up with each other.  And that makes me smile, and makes me impatient, and gives me hope (when I stop to consider the lovely relationships that do match).

Rest. Busy. Rest.

Midway through last week all of the events of the last month and a half caught up to me and my introverted self put its foot down.

Turns out that several major family medical emergencies, exploring and wrestling with whole new faith convictions while visiting friends in another country, starting a new semester of nursing school in a brand new area of practice with a steep learning curve, starting to wean off my antianxiety meds, working part time, making changes in diet and exercise practices, and just generally trying to maintain a personal, social, and spiritual life can be exhausting.

I know I'm overwhelmed when I sit in a nursing class before the lecture begins, and the voices of all those women (and a very few men) talking and talking and talking grates on my nerves to the point where I kind of want to scream at everybody to shut up, or I might lose it!

With all that in mind, I set this weekend aside for rest.  (Mostly.)

I am thankful that this semester I have three day weekends in which to actually manage rest a bit more fully.

I slept late on Saturday morning, got up and did a bit of housework, took a long nap, did a bit more housework, and then went to bed.  It was pretty much divine.  I think I only saw one other human being the whole day, and talked to one on the phone.  Perfect for my tapped out self.

Sunday was kind of the opposite.  I had breakfast with a long time friend (stuffed french toast - not the best ever, but not bad). Then we did a couple errands together.  I followed that up by going wedding dress shopping with one of my oldest friends.  She's getting married in February, and I'm her maid of honor, so I joined her and her mom to start the process of finding "the dress". And then I followed that up with a family dinner of sorts with a few extra people, which is pretty much the norm for our family.  Lately family dinners have sometimes been hard - they emphasize that even though I'm the oldest sibling, I'm the only one who is single, without any current prospects, and that goes to a different church than the rest of the family.  Those dinners sort of emphasize the ways in which I often struggle to fit within my family, and if I'm honest, I was kind of dreading this one when my mom called to set it up.  That said, it was lovely!  The addition of the extra bodies this time served to keep it from being quite so awkward feeling, and even though I was tired, it felt good to laugh with my family. I rounded off the day by borrowing mom's car so I could tackle my grocery shopping for the week, then caught a ride home and pretty much crashed.  (Though I enjoyed every bit of the day individually, the sum total of all that people time was still a bit much for my exhausted introvert self.)

And then there's today.  I pretty much slept until 11.  I know, I know, lazy, right?  I justify it by reminding myself that for the next four mornings this week my alarm will go off at 4:15, 4:15, 6:30, and 6:30 to kick off very full days.  I laid in bed for a while catching up on email, and then planned to kick off my day with the last of my pre-made smoothies.  Alas, the smoothie was off, so I tackled the first recipe on my list of cooking for the week - pina colada quinoa.  As I'm sitting to write this, I have a bowl of it in front of me, and it's not too bad!  I'm cooking a lot of quinoa these days in the midst of the effort to eat less starch, and mostly eliminate gluten from my diet, and this is definitely not the best of the quinoa recipes I've tried, but it's edible, and hey, I get to add another recipe to my list of new recipes I've tried this year.  I'm planning to round off this day with a few errands, and a coffee date with a friend, and then some homework.  The first quiz of the semester is happening this week, and I have some policy and procedure documents for neonatal care that I need to work my way through.  Oh, and I'm finally going to hopefully make some progress on the baby blanket I'm making for my future niece or nephew, since, you know, he or she is now two days overdue and likely to show up any time!

Rest. Busy. Rest.  That's my weekend, and while I could use maybe one more day of lying low, the fact that I'm now aware of just how drained I'm feeling is a good thing, and will let me manage my energy and schedule a bit more carefully for the next couple weeks while I work to recover some equilibrium.  Sweet deal.

And with that, I'm off to finish off my breakfast quinoa and get started on some of the little things that I want to do while I'm puttering around and resting today!  Happy Monday!

The Power of Introverts: Thoughts on Group Work

Some of you might have seen this video when I posted it on facebook a few days back.  I came across it via a blog about introverts in the church, and stopped to watch.  What I saw felt like a breath of fresh air in the midst of a semester of intense group work.  Here was someone who was validating me - who had found strong words to describe the things I was thinking, feeling and experiencing.

So, watch the video, and then I'll share a few thoughts from Susan Cain's talk below:


She had me from the first words.  I was that kid at summer camp.  In fact, I went to summer camp once, on a weekend, when I was around ten years old, and I never went back.  I hated it!  I couldn't figure out this atmosphere with all the stimulation, and the games that required me to make a fool of myself.  And I would have been right alongside Susan Cain in wondering why on earth we needed to misspell "rowdie"!

Perhaps what stood out for me the most in this talk, though, were Cain's observations about a world that is designed for extroverts. I have felt guilty for preferring a quiet dinner with friends, or time alone over a raucous evening out.  I have been that person who felt shouted down, or the one who didn't share an idea, or even feel an idea germinate, because the strength and charisma of an extrovert I was working with was driving the group process.  I loved that she emphasized that it's not a dislike of extroverts.  And I love that she discussed that there is value in group work, and in solitude, and that what is really needed is a greater balance.  That has been my complaint this semester.  I'm not against group work, I just feel overwhelmed by the stimulation of it, and it's an atmosphere that isn't all that conducive to my personal learning or creativity.  I'd love to see a greater balance of individual and group learning, rather than "all group work, all the time." I'm not saying that collaboration is bad, simply that it could use more balance.

I'd like to close by listing Cain's three calls to action, and inviting you to discuss them in the comments:

1. Stop the madness for constant group work!  Just stop it!  Create an atmosphere that has much more room for autonomy, privacy and freedom in schools and workplaces.
2. Go to the wilderness!  Make room to have your own revelations, and not just group think.
3. What's inside your suitcase? Why did you put it there?

I'd love to hear your answers to this last call to action.  

My suitcase still has the books it had when I was a child, but now there's the constant presence of a journal, a set of pens, and maybe even a laptop.  There is food, and maybe a scarf so I'm ready for all sorts of weather and adventure.  These are the things that reflect me - that I love to eat and share.  That I read and write and listen.  That I'm hungry - for food and information.  And that from time to time, I do love an adventure.  I just prefer the sort that require a scarf instead of ropes, screaming, and even body armor!

Introvert

I've been thinking about being an introvert over the weekend.  So much so that I cracked up when Christianne posted the following facebook status last night:

"Sometimes I hate being an introvert. But then I realized that I only feel that way when I'm in an extroverted setting that has demanded way more energy than I can muster. Other than that, I totally love introversion."

I totally get that feeling. In fact, it was one of those extroverted settings that had me thinking about this whole topic.

On the weekend I spent several hours at my brother's engagement party.  My brother and his fiancee are both extroverts.  They thrive on interaction with others, and they have more and more diverse friends than anyone I've ever met.  (I love this about them - they're wonderful at including just about anyone in their lives.)

The engagement party some of their friends threw for them reflected their personalities.  There was a huge and diverse crowd mingling, enjoying food and beverages, and eventually moving down to the basement for a dance party, complete with a rented smoke machine.  It's the kind of party that the two of them and many of their friends thrive on.

It's kind of my idea of hell.  Hours and hours of making conversation with people I don't really know, in a crowded room, over a huge assortment of background noises.  (Let me be clear in saying I greatly enjoyed many of the conversations I had at the party, and I loved the chance to celebrate my brother and his fiancee.  This was not about my preferences at all, it simply highlighted the differences in our social tendencies.)

And so, on Saturday I found myself avoiding all people.  I'd had a few tentative plans, but all of them involved more groups of people I didn't know well.  I skipped all of them and took a nap.  As I thought about why I was so tired, I realized it was because I was still drained and overwhelmed from the previous night.  It took a large portion of the weekend to recover, and highlighted my introversion for me again.

I don't draw energy from people in a group setting.  Over the last year I've learned that I do need people. That I need interaction, particularly with those who are heart friends.  But I don't find energy in a large group setting.  I find it draining.  My soul and energy are restored in time alone, reading, writing and creating, and in one on one or very small group settings with my soul friends.

Having this tendency highlighted again, especially in the midst of a season where I've had time to rest, create and be with my soul friends, reminds me that these are the things I need to make time for, even in the seasons where life is busier and demanding.  It reminds that I was made this way, and that it's not something to regret, but something that I need to honor.  That this is something important to my life.  That it is important for my mental and emotional health, but also for my spiritual life.

And for a realization like that, I'll gladly attend a party celebrating people I love, even if it drains me!

An Introvert Operator's Manual

Source: louboosandshoes.blogspot.com via Lisa on Pinterest

3100

3100 blog posts seems like a milestone.

I feel like I should have something profound to say.

(I never seem to have anything that feels profound to say when the milestone posts roll around.)

Instead I'm just going to acknowledge that I've written 3100 posts.  That I've been showing up here consistently for over 5 years now, and writing about whatever happens to be on my mind at the time.  And I'm going to talk a little about my day.

Today is just one of those days.

I sent out a pile of resumes, and I have a pile more to send.

I heard back from one place I applied yesterday, telling me that I was not going to be a candidate.

I did an errand or two with my mom.

I'm discovering the weird balance of being an introvert and needing human interaction.  Apparently my previous job, however I felt about it, was meeting a need for some human interaction.

I'm finding myself tired of myself the last few days.  Tired of being alone with my thoughts, and the battleground they can tend to be.

Tired, I think, of the ongoing neccessity to choose joy.

Tired of the deep internal wrestles I was walking through with God even before I lost my job and that tension was added to the mix.

And tired of too much time alone.

It's partly why I've been hanging out at my parents' house during the day.  That, and their internet access is better for job hunting than the access at the place I'm house-sitting.  Because they both work from home, I get a bit of human interaction as they come and go from their respective home offices.

Tomorrow I'm hanging out with a friend and her daughter for a while.  I think the plan is for us to go to the farmer's market together.  I'm flexible.  I'll just enjoy time with a friend.

I've been hesitating to set up times to see various friends during the day, always wondering if I'll get a call for an interview, or be starting a job and have to cancel.  I think I'm going to change that.

Since the majority of my job-hunting is online, I can be flexible in which hours of the day I apply myself to that (and I'm determined to apply myself to it for at least an hour or two a day or more.)

That means I can make time for friends.

Yes, I'll maybe have to cancel if a job or an interview comes up.  But I'd rather have those things to look forward to, than stare at empty days.  I'd rather feed my soul and be with people I love.

Because feeding my soul in that way seems wise.  And it makes the choice for joy just that much easier.  And it seems smart, somehow, to try to make what can be such a hard choice easier.

In the grand scheme of things...

For a Wednesday, this wasn't too bad.

I did, however, hit my introvert, complete and total people over-saturation point around 6:00 or so tonight. Unfortunately, at the time I was in the middle of grocery shopping with my roommate in a mega-warehouse grocery store that I hate, but shop at anyway for the much more affordable prices.

So, after we came home and cooked dinner together, I exercised my introvert's right to retreat, and I've been holed up in my bedroom for the last hour and a bit, catching up on emails, watching an episode of a television show on DVD, and just generally reclining and enjoying being alone.

In a few minutes I'll emerge for my weekly fix of mocking the cattyness so openly displayed on America's Next Top Model, and then I'll go to bed, and we'll start over again tomorrow!

But tomorrow is Thursday, and I generally like Thursdays!