Bittersweet: Mourning the Loss and Celebrating, Too

This morning I paid off my line of credit.  And then promptly cried.  Hard.

It wasn't exactly the reaction I was expecting on finding myself suddenly free from all debt except for my student loans.  But it was the reaction that came.

There is a huge sense of relief in having that debt disappear.  It frees up a significant chunk of money each month.  That in itself is a blessing since I don't have income coming in at the moment.  And the weight of knowing that I was in debt, that's gone too.

But it made me ache, too, for a number of reasons.

The first is this.  I had the money to pay off my debt because I lost my job.  For the years I was employed at the company that dismissed me in May, a mandatory portion of my paycheque was deducted and matched by the company and put into an RRSP fund that I couldn't access.  Because I lost my job in a way that some days still makes me ache a little, I could now access those funds, and I made the decision to do so in the hope that paying off the debt would be a huge financial help in the midst of the financially tighter time that has come from being so unexpectedly unemployed, and that I face as I face the reality that I will be a student for the next several years, and certainly not enjoying the relative degree of financial independence that I had while employed full time in a decent paying job.

The second reason for feeling bittersweet is the harder one, and it is the one that prompted tears.  The debt that I paid off came from a time nearly three years ago now, when I followed what I believed (and believe) was God's prompting, and then watched as nearly everything in life that I'd been certain of disintegrated around me.  The debt came as unexpected costs of travel meant that I bought groceries on my credit card to ensure that a rent cheque would clear.  It came from flights and rental cars as I traveled to various locales both to maintain my sanity (in part by collecting hugs from a dear friend) and to work to patch up rifts that seemed to grow ever larger.  I don't regret spending the money on those things, and they were my choice, but the debt, and now, the ending of it, is a reminder of the many things and relationships in which my heart was deeply invested that now seem lost to me.  It was a reminder of the cost, and somehow, the end of it makes that cost seem so much more final.

I'm not sure exactly how to explain it, but this cartoon from a blog I love, ASBO Jesus struck me as I thought about all of this today.  I laughed, hard, and a bit ruefully as I considered it.

In some ways I feel like parts of myself were lost over the last years.  And somehow paying off the debt was a reminder of those losses, and the tears a pause again to recognize them.

And yet, I am becoming more whole each day.  I choose to believe that.  That healing is coming in new and special ways.  That being free from debt opens doors even as it seems to in some ways close others.  And if I get to choose (and I increasingly believe I do), then that is what I'm going to focus on.  New beginnings, even as I pause to mourn the loss.

Really Good Stuff

It seemed like there was a plethora of good stuff out there in the blogging world today, as I made my morning rounds.

Stuff I liked included:

Seth Godin's post on consumer debt.  Amen and amen.  I did some calculating on the weekend, and, given my soon to be carless state, and assuming (a big assumption right now) that there aren't some sudden changes to my living arrangements, I will be out of debt (except for my student loans) within a year.  That, even despite how crappy the situation is that is bringing it about, brought a huge smile to my face.

The post at Homestead Revival on the family budget.  Let me just be clear - I have no intention whatsoever of raising chickens or goats to save money.  (These would actually likely cost me money, since I rarely eat eggs and I don't drink milk.)  I probably wouldn't use a lot of her listed tips.  But, I like the idea of living more naturally and saving money while doing so.

The "Equal Weight" post at Gitzen Girl.  I've only been reading Sara's blog for a little while, but I've come to appreciate her words, and I look forward to the moment when my blog reader lets me know that there's a new post up and ready to be enjoyed.  And not just because I'm absolutely in love (given my daily 5 lists and ongoing goals for the year) with her tagline of "Choose Joy."  I particularly liked this post today because of the message it spoke to.  Yes, take risks, but consider them, too.  I feel like that's a concept I've been weighing this last week as I've navigated the loss of a car that is coming within the next few days.  What are the things that are positive in this?  And am I letting myself properly grieve the losses too?

Today's "Serious Wednesday" post at Stuff Christians Like.  Because I'm definitely guilty of resisting rest.  I talked about that yesterday while reflecting on my friend's reminder to be gentle with myself.  And because I'm in the process of figuring out a way to really set aside a much needed day or two to just rest sometime this month.

Daily 5 - Day 174

Today's Daily 5:

1. Made it through another day at work.  And one where I forgot to grab my painkillers off my nightstand this morning and throw them in my purse at that.  (I did snag painkillers twice during the day from a friend who also carries ibuprofen with her.)
2. Chicken Caesar Salad for supper.  Have I mentioned that the George Foreman grill my parents gave me as a birthday present last year is the best gift ever?  So easy to cook on nights like this when I'm really not up to putting a lot of effort in.
3. Showered and in bed, resting by 7 p.m.  (yep, that's how you can tell I'm definitely still recovering.)
4. Came across a few new blogs today.  always pleased at new reading material.
5. Really enjoying the audio book I've been listening to on the way home from work the last couple of days.  Glad that I'm enjoying it, since it seems to be the only "reading" I have enough energy for this week.
6. Accomplished pretty much everything on the (admittedly very basic) to do list for tonight.
7. Did another budget update.  Still so encouraged to be managing to live this way.
8. Got the first statement the other day for the line of credit that I applied for.  So delighted still that that worked out, and I could have danced and cheered when I saw what the interest amount was.  Let's just say that it was roughly $140 a month less than what I was paying on the credit cards!
9. Got the news at work today that we are getting a VERY unexpected year end bonus.  It's not huge, but at the end of the week, I'll have roughly half of what I was going to have to borrow from my parents to buy a replacement for George.  And that half is after I put a little bit in savings.  I had hoped that if a bonus came this year, I'd be able to save half, and use half to put an extra payment against my debts, but I'll settle for minimizing the additional debt that's going to crop up because of the accident last week.  Funny how it goes.  Last year, the day after I got the bonus (which last year I'd hoped to save for traveling), George's alternator died.  There went the bonus - but hey, at least it wasn't debt!  So, this year, wanted it for something else again, but no such luck.  On the other hand, it's a blessing that the additional debt I'll accrue will be so much less than expected.
10. The plan is to move the first load of stuff to my grandmas' this weekend.  Though I won't be living there until the end of February, we're hoping to do this move a bit at a time, to minimize what needs to be done at the end of the month.  So we'll take a carload or two a week, and hopefully, come the end of the month, there'll pretty much only be the big pieces of furniture to move, and it'll be a quick thing!  I'm thankful for my mom, who is going to drive for this first load this weekend, since I'm carless.  She's also chauffering me the same morning to another natural health appointment, for which I'm also grateful.

Tips on Simplifying

It's no secret around here that for the last several months I've been aggressively using a budget, and trying to simplify life a little bit to get my finances under control and eventually give me more freedom to do the things I'm really passionate about.

I've been following all sorts of blogs with tips on living simply, being environmentally friendly, handling money wisely, and living generously.

I've also been personally convicted the last little while of a need to revamp what I am able to give financially.  Especially since, at the moment, my health is preventing me from committing a huge amount of my time to service projects.

In any case, I appreciated this post at Anne Jackson's blog this morning, dealing with some of these issues. 

My one added tip, that I left in her comments:  If you're struggling with credit card debt, look into getting a bank loan or line of credit and pay off your credit card with this.  You'll likely pay far less interest, and that means you'll pay down what you owe much more quickly.  I recently did this and am now paying less than half the interest rate that I was paying the credit card companies.

Someone asked me the other day about my student loans, but the interest I pay the government on the student loans is even lower than what I am now paying the bank.  Plus, that interest is tax deductible.  So, for the moment, I'm going to maintain my current student loan payments, and send most of my extra cash towards paying down the line of credit that now holds my other accumulated debt.

Oh, one other great tip for those of you who live in Canada and have been collecting HBC rewards points at The Bay, Zellers, and Home Outfitters for years.  I recently checked my points balance and realized that I had accumulated enough points that I could trade them in for a $25 online Chapters credit and a $10 gift card for Itunes.  I'm saving them for a month when money is a little bit tight and it will feel good to buy something just for me.  There's nothing quite like the feeling of a guilt-free book and music purchase!

Thoughts on Consumption

I headed out to a huge new mega mall that was recently built just outside the city with two friends this morning.  I had Christmas money and a government tax cheque to burn, and it turns out that all of the city locations of my favorite store ship their clearance items to the new mega store in the new mega mall.  In the interests of getting the most for money, that was where I went.

I was glad, when I woke up, to have those plans for today.  I've been incredibly unsettled the last few days, and this morning I was tired of the constant wrestling.  I wanted to laugh and be with friends, and forget for a little while.  And that's what I did.

I shopped.  I tried buying happyness.  Not really I guess, but sometimes new things help to shift my mood - mostly I think it's probably that being out with friends helps with that.

I rarely buy in large quantities.  I rarely have large quantities of guilt-free, budget exempt money to do large quantity shopping.  Today I shopped in large quantities, thanks to the gifts from some family members at Christmas, and the convenient arrival of a GST refund cheque last night.

To be honest, while I'm pleased with my purchases (three tops, a bracelet, three pairs of jeans), their versatility (will work for work or play - well except the jeans, and even those will work on Fridays), and the fact that all of them suit me well and really did have that little bit of personal "wow" that is the only thing that will convince me to buy clothes these days, I felt a little sick spending all of that money at once.  I couldn't help thinking what I could have done with that money.  About starving children, and others in need.  It's an odd sort of wrestle - my work wardrobe did need a bit of help, and my jeans were old and ratty and no longer fit properly (thanks to the changes in weight due to health problems the last few years.)  I need to dress to a certain standard of professionalism for work, and the all of the clothes I bought were marked down, and are high quality items that should last quite some time.  I certainly won't be buying clothes again anytime soon, and I've purged and repurged my wardrobe over the last few weeks and months (including a few more items today.)  But despite the fact that I know that my purchases weren't irresponsible, and that I turned down several other deals that I would have found irresistible in the past, I still felt a little sick.

It was some combination of my own spending, and the simply massive size of consumption and selfishness that a mall of that scale represents that made me sick, I think.  It definitely won't be a place I visit regularly, if, for no other reason than it takes a good forty minutes to drive to from my home, and there is a mall that I can walk to within twenty minutes from where I live with most of the same stores, just not big and new and flashy.  (I'm trying not to even think of the environmental impact, and the huge fight over water rights that went on with the building of this mall.)  I rarely react to my own spending, partly because I know I now budget and spend carefully and wisely (and because I'm paying the debt accrued from times of not budgeting and spending carefully and wisely).  I'm as guilty as anyone of being a consumer, and over purchasing (the list of unread books I've purchased is now nearly 150 titles long - a list I hope to pare down this year), but more and more I find myself drawn to simplicity.  Thinking thoughts like "I like that, but I've been existing just fine without it.  I sure don't need it now."  Something about the immense size - a lingerie shop nearly as large as a department store in a regular mall - 6 different "zoned" decorating schemes, that sort of thing just made me cringe.  It made me cringe enough that rather than heading to pick up take out of some sort for my lunch and supper for today (a fairly regular occurrence for me on weekends, and one I look forward to - treating myself to some favorites after a week of cooking), I came home and pulled meat out of the freezer for my supper, and heated up a delicious frozen Italian wedding soup for my lunch.

There was actually one item at the mall that I nearly purchased but didn't.  A jewellry rack of sorts.  I've been hunting for a way to display my multiple dangly earrings so that I can easily find them and wear them more consistently.  I loved this item, but there were a few things I would change about it.  Instead of purchasing, consuming, and making do with something that wasn't quite righ, just for the sake of having it, I took a photo of it with my cell phone, and headed to my parent's house after completing another errand near their home.  Turns out that I rightly guessed that this was something my dad could help me make quite easily with his welding tools.  So, I'll get something more suited to my needs, get to spend time with my dad, and, who knows, maybe I'll even get him to teach me basic welding - that'd be a cool skill to add to my list!

And now, I'm home, I've put my purchases away in my closet (well, except for one pair of jeans, which I put on).  I know I spent wisely, and yet... 

I think this is going to be a year of simplifying even further.  Of paring down.  Of evaluating my own consumer habits.  Of a quest to be "greener", healthier, less selfish, and less of a consumer.  Less demanding of instant gratification, and more willing to wait and work for my satisfaction.  It's going to be a unique year.  I'll give it that!

Daily 5 - Day 149

Today's Daily 5:

1. GST refund cheque - love when money from the government arrives the night before a planned shopping trip to refurbish one's wardrobe
2. Got to have the house to myself tonight
3. Thankful for Friday, a smooth day at work, and wearing jeans
4. A treatment from mom to hopefully help the ongoing pain from my fall earlier this week
5. knowing I am loved
   

Saturday List

If you'll indulge me for a few minutes, it's early, I'm needing to clear the fog in my head, I love lists, and I'm going to make my list for the day here, since the laptop is handy, and a pad of paper and a pen aren't at the moment.

Today I need (and/or want) to:

• Go to Michaels. Return an item I bought earlier in the week that won't work for the Christmas gift I have in mind. Buy an item that will work.
• Go to old bank. Close out accounts. Get a bank draft for these amounts. Make sure that I can still have access to online banking for credit card that is still at this bank.
• Go to new bank. Deposit bank draft into new account. Hope and pray that the information I was given was accurate, and they will not put a hold on a bank draft, or I'm in big trouble. Deposit change rolls that have been collecting in my change jar (I think almost $20 now!). Deposit work reimbursement cheque. Withdraw cash for birthday gift for T. who turns 22 today. Book appointment for during time off to meet with someone about loan to reduce interest payments on debt - hopefully by half. Also to discuss a tax free savings account.
• Go to office supply shop - check price of a small legal size filing box. Buy one if it isn't too expensive.
• Go to Husky. Feed George. He could use the nourishment. He's been temperamental lately. (pray that he takes me to all these other places safely.)
  
• Home again, home again, jiggetty jig.
• Make peanut butter puffed wheat squares, and maybe another one of the sugar cookie recipes. If going to make one of the rolled out recipes, add a stop at mom's to borrow a rolling pin to the earlier list.
• Make Christmas gift mentioned in item one.
• Work on "Certificates" to be part of another Christmas gift.
• Write several Christmas cards for mailing in the next few days.
  
• Wrap birthday gift for mom (her birthday tomorrow) and write card.
• Put $$ for T. in birthday card. write card.
• Remember to rest and treat myself gently. Maybe do this by putting a clay mask on my face for a while.
• Watch the newly purchased "Julie & Julia" dvd while working on some of these projects.
  
• Clean bedroom. Especially do filing. This will be easier if filing box isn't too expensive.
• Wade through accumulation of emails.
• Do online banking, to ensure that newly deposited money is in right accounts and budget can be appropriately updated.
• Update budget.
• Show up here at least once more today to write a Daily 5 list.
  
• Attend joint birthday party for Mom and T tonight.

Oh my. That list is longer than I thought it was. And it starts with me crawling out of bed and having some breakfast. Guess that's what I'm off to do! Have a great last Saturday before Christmas everyone!

Daily 5 - Day 125

Today's Daily 5:

1. I'm thankful I did my errands at lunch, even if they were a bit rushed, instead of after work, since I drove today, and traffic was quite bad again.
2. I'm thankful that the weather is warming up
3. listening to Misty Edwards again lately, and being deeply moved by it
   
4. mixing up a triple batch of sugar cookie dough. First type of cookies baked tonight, dough stored in the fridge, more to come in coming days
5. I was thankful to do yoga after work tonight. I've been getting my 20+ minutes of exercise in the last little while by doing a lot of walking (added bonus of taking the train - get the workout for the day in). But I've missed the yoga, and how much better my muscles feel after stretching them out.
6. I was thankful that I didn't have to make dinner, but still got to eat a delicious meal.
7. working on Philippians memorization in the car this morning
8. lots of quiet moments today, pausing to pray
9. having the supplies to finish making all but one Christmas present... that last one is stumping me... not sure what to do about it yet.
10. sorting through my budget, and realizing that even though things will be tight these next couple weeks, I'm going to get through Christmas for the first time in quite a while without accruing debt that would need to be paid off.
    

Numbers and Such Like

I started my morning with a massage.

It was a pretty good way to start the morning.

After that, well, most of the rest of my day is going to be about numbers.

I had a meeting at a new bank to open some accounts and start the process of changing banks.

I went to my current bank to deposit a couple of cheques so that I can pay some bills.

And now I'm home, and wrapped in a blanket.

It's -34 Celsius out there with the windchill today. That's -29.2 Farenheit for those of you who don't think in Celsius. So I'm wrapped in a blanket, curled up with my laptop.

And I'm dealing with banking and financial stuff. Will probably be doing that for most of the rest of the afternoon.

Not my favorite way to spend a day, but it's stuff that needs to be done.

And at least it's warm inside.

Daily 5 - Day 81

Today's Daily 5 (with a few bonuses thrown in):

1. Celebrating 4 years of healing and being depression free.
2. Homemade pancakes for breakfast (and then pancake sandwiches for a late night snack with the leftovers... just use two leftover pancakes like bread, spread with peanut butter and jam - preferable raspberry or blackberry - and eat!)
3. Re-reading this passage of scripture that a friend personalized and emailed to me in a very timely moment on Friday evening: Zephaniah 3:16-18 (Contemporary English Version)
   Lisa, the time is coming, when it will be said to you: "Don't be discouraged or grow weak from fear! The LORD your God wins victory after victory and is always with you. He celebrates and sings because of you, and he will refresh your life with his love."
   The LORD has promised: Your sorrow has ended, and you can celebrate.
4. reading and researching and coming up with some practical steps (that are doable) that I can take to aid my own health
5. A mostly restful day
6. looking at my budget and finding it quite liveable for the next few weeks.
7. hummus on toast, with fruit salad and a turkey-mango sausage from the farmer's market yesterday for lunch.
   

Daily 5 - Day 79

It seems particularly important, tonight, to do the daily 5. The day has definitely been remarkably challenging, and I want to stop and find at least 5 (maybe I'll feel inspired and add a few bonus ones today) things that made me smile, or that I'm really grateful for.

1. I'm grateful for friends who speak truth. Even when the conversations are stilted and it seems I'm not hearing and my heart seems (or is) numb. Your words come out in my daily conversation and in my thoughts and journal in very unexpected ways.
2. I'm grateful for an entirely "random" blog connection that let me hear this song for the first time ever earlier tonight. I can't even begin to describe how it touched my heart, and let me feel that Jesus really does see me, even in the midst of this incredibly painful space. How three different things on a variety of blogs that I either rarely read or had never read before is letting me really believe that Jesus sees me, and knows my heart and needs. And how it brought encouragement in a space where I'd basically lost hope. And I think I'm grateful that Jesus (who I know wants me to find affirmation in him) is also patient and gracious in sending me connections like the ones I experienced tonight as assurances of his love when I feel so humanly alone and scared.
   
3. I'm grateful for my mom, who listened to about two words of my voice on the phone and then told me that she was coming over. I'm grateful for the prayers and ministry I received six months ago or so on the other side of the country for healing in that relationship, and for the tiny, tentative steps of healing and restoration are there. I'm grateful that we were able to have a conversation where (though I had to work hard for it) I didn't walk away feeling judged and like a failure. That I was able to share even some things that are embarrassing and that I knew she wouldn't approve of, and I was still able to walk away feeling loved. And I'm grateful that just a tiny lit bit, I was able to relax and receive a hug from her, instead of feeling tense and awkward.
4. I'm thankful that even though I'm struggling with what my doctor suggested today, and have decided to try one more somewhat more natural health alternative before going the route she recommended, that I live someplace where I can access medical care when I need it. I was remembering tonight the tiny three year old daughter of some family friends, who died of malaria a few years back simply because they weren't able to get her appropriate treatment in time.
5. I'm grateful for the book I'm reading right now, that is challenging me this week to live a better story with my life. Even when right now the decisions that will make for a better story are pretty hard and ugly. And even when right now the way seems painful. I'm grateful for the reminder that the best stories come from the transition from that painful place into new life - into being alive again. (And I'm thankful for the friend who sent me this song today, with the note that she was praying for me to feel "alive again.")
6. I'm thankful for comfort food for dinner. I didn't really have celebratory food like I was planning this morning. I had chicken fingers and french fries. And quite enjoyed them actually.
7. I'm thankful for a budget that seems like it will be workable.
8. I'm thankful to have a few plans for tomorrow that don't involve Halloween, and for the reminder from a couple different sources tonight not to fear the darkness.
9. I'm thankful that even though the doctor's appointment wasn't what I'd hoped or expected, that I was able to push through all the panic and still get myself there. Not so long ago that definitely wouldn't have happened, or I would have made it there and not been honest and discussed what actually needed to be discussed.
10. I'm thankful for the words of a friend the other day some approximation of which are echoing in my head, reminding me that Jesus loves me, that he died for me, and that I can just get over myself and believe that and love me too. That if he loves me, than I'm certainly worthy of love, and I can just get over the lie that says that I'm unworthy of any love, even my own
    

Reunited! (Again)

It was just over a week ago that I was ecstatic to announce that George had been returned to my possession. I'm equally ecstatic, if slightly more apprehensive in my glee, to announce the same thing again tonight.

He needed a new alternator. A freak thing, since I replaced his alternator only a few months back. However, that means that it was still under warranty, and so I got George back at no cost to myself.

Which, in the grand scheme of things, shouldn't seem like a huge deal, but actually lifted a huge burden of stress off of my shoulders when I got the news. It means that I remain (thanks to a large tax refund cheque) in slightly less debt than I was a few months ago. There's still a long way to go, but I'm thankful for the moment, that my emergency funds are intact, and the debt has been even marginally reduced.

Trapped

Of all the things that stand out, as I look back over this crazy last week or so, here's the one thing that stands out the most.

My credit card was canceled this week.

Someone got my credit card number somehow, tried to charge some items that were over my limit, and mastercard security called me and canceled my card. I'll get a new card, sometime in the next week or so, but in the meantime, it's the temporary loss of the credit card that stands out to me.

Because I feel a bit trapped without it.

That little bit of space until my credit limit? That was my escape plan.

That was my "if things get really bad I'll just buy an airline ticket and run" plan.

Not that I would have run.

I tried the running from the things that weigh you down thing multiple times during the depression years. It never worked. You usually just end up alone, and scared, and without the support system that was making life somewhat liveable before you ran.

But not having an escape plan? That is making me feel trapped. Housebound. Stir-crazy.

It's making me feel like this space in life will never come to an end. It's terrifying me in some ways.

I feel trapped.

The rational part of my brain reminds me that credit is money that doesn't exist anyway. And that there is (a little) money in my bank account if I really needed to escape. And that really, in a few more days, I'll have a new credit card.

But in the meantime, I feel trapped in this spot. And wishing for an escape. (Even the non-running sort.)