Brownies for Breakfast

I slept pretty well, for me anyway, so it was surprising in those moments upon waking when I realized that I had a very bad headache, and that every muscle in my neck and back that I'd injured in the car accident and fall down the stairs, after a week or two of seemingly benign behaviour, had tightened painfully.

Ibuprofen and a heat pack are the order of the day as I sit in my office today.

And because I was feeling just a little bit miserable, I had brownies for breakfast.  With a cup of pomegranate green tea.  Because caffeine is supposed to be good for the headache, and chocolate eases most woes in life.

And with that, I have much to tackle today - hoping to have a day that is productive like yesterday, but demonstrably with checkmarks on my to do lists.

Thursday Morning

My thoughts are kind of scattered this morning.

Last night was a slightly more peaceful sleep than I've been having, but I still woke at around 4 am, praying and wondering.

My neck, shoulders, and back are still very slow in healing, and as each week goes on, and I get further from the weekend of rest that preceded it, the pain gets stronger.  It's pretty bad today.

Office email is down, so I'm sitting here, writing a blog post, before heading into my day.

House church tonight.  Looking forward to being with friends and talking about Jesus.

And Repeat

When I made it home last night, I did the minimum.  I cooked dinner, washed a few dishes, and headed for bed.  Not really to sleep right away, but simply because I was so exhausted that I just couldn't move anymore.  I did a few things from my bed - a few emails, a phone call or two, but mostly I just watched a dvd and played a game online.

I did manage to sleep a bit better last night, and for that I was very thankful.

I'm a little less sore today.  It's been a week, now, since the accident.  This time last Tuesday I was sitting in a truck, on the median of deerfoot trail, waiting for the police to show up.  (They took about an hour and a half to arrive.)  I remain thankful for the many small blessings of that day.

And so, I'm back at work again.  Another bus and train and walk later.

And I have another busy day at work ahead, and am still pretty low energy.  I'm thankful that my body is healing slowly.  But I'm guessing that tonight will be kind of like last night.  I'll go home, make dinner, and head for bed, maybe doing a few little tasks once I get there, but mostly letting myself rest.

It's an "and repeat" sort of day.

Half-Way

So, I'm about half-way through the work day.

I'm wishing I had one of those funny, squishy, horse-shoe shaped pillows that you stick around your neck.

I'm also wishing that I'd brought the makeshift sling that I used last week to work with me again today.

But, I've gotten a few things done.

I can tell that my body and my emotions are not recovered yet.  My body hurts, and everything right now makes me want to cry.  It's partly exhaustion, and partly the accident.

So.

Lunch hour comes soon.

And then a few more hours of work.

And then I get to go home.

When I get there, I'll make dinner, wash a few dishes, and then I'm pretty much planning on crawling straight into bed.  This may just have to be my grace week in terms of moving preparations.  Next week I'll get busy, but I think this week may just be one where I need to take it a bit easy.  And that's okay too.  Because the idea really is that I care for myself properly.  I'm trying to make that a priority these days, because it's not something I've always been good at.  But it is something I'm committed to being better at.  So I'll rest in bed after the few necessary tasks are done.

Back in the Office

It's Monday morning, and a bus and a train and a walk later, I'm back in the office.

I've been here for an hour and a half.  I'm already looking forward to being home and back in bed.

Answers to the popular questions:

• Yes, I'm still sore.
• Yes, my energy levels are very low.  I generally want to crash by 2 or 3 in the afternoon.  I'm hoping to push through that and work full days.
• Yes, I'm still taking pain killers, though (as they've always been) they're over the counter ones, and I'm trying to take them a bit less often.

It's also February.  A new month.  A new week.

A month with so much to do.  An aunt coming in from out of town who we only see every several years or so because of the distance.  A car to buy.  Getting comfortable behind the wheel again (I still haven't driven.)  A new room to paint.  A house to pack up and move and then unpack.  A body that definitely needs to recover.  Various wedding planning details to help out with.

This morning, though, I'm trying to just think about the few little things on my desk in front of me.  Because I'm still quite exhausted, everything still makes me cry, and if I think too much about the big picture (even though I'm a big picture kind of person) I feel overwhelmed, anxious, and frozen in time and space.  So this morning is about the little piles that accumulated while I was at home last week, recovering.

And breathe.

Here we go...

Kick at the Darkness

I woke at 3:30.  Blogged yesterday's daily 5 sometime around 4.  At 5 I rolled over again to stare at the clock, and wondering when the night would come to an end, or sleep would finally return.

In the darkness, all of the rational things that help during the day seem to lose power.  I lay there, panicking, exhausted, feeling helpless, praying desperately.

Somewhere in the midst of the night, a Bruce Cockburn lyric I've often heard quoted returned to me "Got to kick at the darkness until it bleeds daylight."

That's what last night felt like.

Somewhere around dawn I drifted off for a few more hours of restless sleep.

I googled the lyric this morning, and it seems apt, especially when you add the line just before it:

Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight
Got to kick at the darkness until it bleeds daylight.

Maybe that lyric returning to me was the whisper of God.  I don't know.  But it helps a little.

Because I lay there frustrated and angry that I was feeling the way I was.  It's been months since I've had a panic episode like this, and I was beginning to be able to believe that they were a thing of the past.  I still pray that one day they will.  That like the depression I struggled with for so many years, there will be healing.

It reminds me, in some ways, that line about kicking at the darkness of the phrase from scripture that played over and over in my head the day I was healed from depression a little over four years ago.  That phrase involved kicking too.  And the image it conjured was one of scarred and bloody feet, but not scars that were fresh - scars that were healing.  There is so much more to that moment, and that story.  It can be shared another time.  But the simple conjuring of that memory by a piece of lyric in the middle of the night was somehow hopeful.  Hopeful that this too can end.

"Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight."

At three and four and five this morning it felt like a fight that would never end.  And really, it hasn't yet.  But daylight is here, and there is some respite in that.  Time to regroup, to remind myself again of truths.  To push back the darkness that overwhelms and entangles, and grab onto truth and light.  To trust that Jesus will somehow bring peace again.

What It's Like... (anxiety and panic)

My roommate stared at me blankly tonight as I tried to explain.

We were talking about the fact that I haven't been behind the wheel of a car yet and I mentioned that the very idea of it is enough to start panic and adrenaline racing through my system.

"Oh, just go to a quiet neighborhood, and I'm sure in five minutes you'll be fine."

I've been through this before.  Twice before.  Each time it took at least a month before I didn't feel instantly panicky on getting behind the wheel.  Manageable panic, but still panic.  Lots of clenched teeth prayers for help - for me, and for safety, and lots of gritted teeth refusal to let the fear win that round.  This was the worst accident yet.  I'm telling myself it doesn't have to be the same, that I am stronger, and getting better at facing and dealing with the panic all the time, but the very idea of being the person in control of a car makes me want to sob on the spot.

"You just need to get back up on the horse."

She can't know how words like that sting.  That a "normal" person would simply hear that as sage advice.  She doesn't know that all week people have been telling me about how God allows the bad stuff as well as the good, and how those words, even though I believe them, are grating on my already raw nerves.  She's smiling, and I see that, teasing me, wanting to cheer me up.  She cares about me, and for all of those reasons I don't say anything in response.  Just a simple "I will."  (And I will, likely tomorrow.  Maybe the next day.  Probably with my mom or someone with me, to help calm my nerves.)

But it leaves me feeling isolated again.  Alone with the pink elephant in the corner of the room.  The one I'd so like to ignore -  that panic and fear that only I can see.

I don't quite know how to describe this reality that is sometimes mine.

I've found a natural supplement that works well to manage it, and it's rarely a daily occurence anymore - it takes something big to tip the balance.  I'm working on controlling it, and facing it.  I'm winning more and more of the battles with that silent pink elephant these days.

But today, today I'm losing a bit.

Ironic, isn't it, that I spent a chunk of the afternoon looking at car ads with my dad?

The triggers are hard to predict.  It was a conversation with my roommate about plans for tomorrow, and for the coming week.  I happened to mention that I hadn't driven yet, and the panic rose up like a monster, and there it was.  The elephant in the room.

So, tonight I'm praying again for peace.  I'm using all of the coping strategies that I know work.

I'm acknowledging that I'm afraid.  And also that I am strong.  That this week I have walked the balance of some difficult circumstances and emotions and needed to care for myself.  That I have coped with the aftermath of this accident (my third, not counting a few serious near misses - got to love icy roads) so much better than previous ones (and this has been the worst.)  I'll get behind the wheel of the car, and I'll choose to find ironic humor in the fact that my prayer life will be consistent, perhaps slightly panicked and very regular for a while.  And I'll choose to remember that it does get better.  I'll drive even more carefully.  And eventually the panic will fade again.

The Scoop

So, here's the scoop.

My parents will loan me the money to buy another beater car.  Which is more debt, but very arguably very necessary debt at this point, since we're all agreed that three hours a day on transit is not a practical solution to my transportation needs.

I'm going to move into my Grandma's basement.  It is by no means my ideal situation, but it's doable for a while.  Especially if I paint the room I'm moving into (it's currently covered in very dark wood paneling, and isn't super well lit, so a coat of white or off white paint will work wonders) - and Grandma said I could paint.  The room is large, and at the back of the basement, and will give me space to still set up my couch/loveseat so I can have friends over, as well as having an open area in front where I can put my table and chairs (since I often have friends come for dinner).

It will be interesting to see how it goes, since my grandma and I are about as opposite in personality as humanly possible.  She is maybe the most chatty person alive, loves being with people, talks on the phone for hours, is very nosy, and likes to know everything about everyone she ever meets.  She can also give you all the details on the life of someone she ran into at the grocery store the other day who you may have met, once, or whose sibling you went to school with some thirty years prior.  I on the other hand, am an introvert who LOVES silence and privacy - lots of silence and privacy.  This personality conflict was the biggest reason I was hesitating to move in in the first place, and it will definitely be the largest challenge of living there.

To be honest, I'm still a bit discouraged and angry at how things have played out.  Mostly just frustrated at the loss of a car, but also a little frustrated to have to give up this apartment.  Of the three places I've lived since moving out of my parent's home, this has definitely been my favorite, the most convenient for my work commute, and for my life in general.  I've really loved living here, and it's hard to give that up.

I'd already been mostly planning to live with Grandma.  It was the idea that wouldn't go away as I mulled and prayed over what on earth I was going to do when L's visa expired and she had to leave the country.  Especially as each of the options for replacement roommates that had seemed so certain fell away.  So, in that sense, I'm confident that this is a "right" step.  I guess I'm struggling with the "my will vs. God's leading" conundrum.  Because this "right step" is most certainly NOT the one I would have chosen.

Living with Grandma makes economic sense as well.  I will save probably somewhere between 100 and 150 dollars a month in expenses - money that can go towards debt to pay it off sooner and set me free.  Or money that can pay the likely increase in my car insurance payment thanks to another accident on my record.  I guess it's hard for me, though, because I am far more of a dreamer than a person who wants to live with the reality of numbers, and living at Grandma's is definitely going to be a challenging sacrifice for the sake of my finances.

To be fair, I'm not afraid to admit that these circumstances are somewhat of my own making.  It was my choices that led to the debt that means I can't afford my own place.  And it is my choice in how I handle this next season, waiting and paying down debt, and moving forward.  I know that these things are mine alone to own.  But I'm struggling a little with that too.  Because it would be nice to blame the debt on the circumstances that led to my spending.  On some of the disasters of life in the last couple of years that meant I relied on my credit card for groceries in order that I could make a rent payment from my chequing account, or that left me devastated and looking to buy happiness wherever I could.  But I made those choices - the attempted purchases of happiness especially.

To quote the irritating old saying, "I made the bed, and now I've got to lie in it."  (Which is really a horrible saying, and quite ruins the beauty I enjoy each week of making my bed with freshly washed sheets and then crawling into it at the end of the night!)

So.  In the next month, here's what's happening in my life.

• I need to pack all of the belongings in the current apartment, relocate them to Grandma's basement, and unpack them there.
• I need to get a Grandma approved paint color, some primer, and paint the incredibly dark 1970s wood paneling to a lighter and more liveable shade of white or beige.  (So thankful that all of my furniture is a nice bright white color as that will help immensely as well!)
• I need to shop (with my dad's help) for a replacement for George at some sort of affordable price.
• I also need to tackle the challenge of getting back behind the wheel of a car again.
• I will be involved in wedding planning with my brother and L.
• I'll be working full time, and planning a major conference for work, to take place in early April, just after Easter.
• I'll be hoping and praying my body gets back to normal post accident.

Those are just the immediate and major tasks.  There's quite a lot of them to be honest.

That's the scoop.  I'm still tired and frustrated.  I'm working on readjusting my expectations to what my new reality is going to be.  I'm a bit overwhelmed at the seeming enormity of the tasks in front of me, especially at a time when I know that I'm not physically well (I was still having health problems before the accident, and I've now compounded them.)  I'm working at finding that peace again.  At accepting what the next section of my life is going to look like.

Daily 5 - Day 170

Today's Daily 5:

1. 170 days of showing up here to write daily 5 lists!
2. Swimming today - I don't know how well known a fact it is, but I was a synchronized swimmer for twelve years (and the last 5 of those years I also coached).  I quit formally involvement with swimming in any form at the end of high school, and in many ways have felt like that love of being in the water was something that was lost or stolen as I became buried in depression.  A few years ago as I was sitting near the Mediterranean Sea, I felt like God was telling me that He was restoring to me that love of being in/near water.  I still don't swim very regularly, and today, to be honest, was painful (I was after all, there for therapeutic reasons, post accident), but even as I swam for the twenty minutes or so that I could manage, I felt hope, and that love and comfort that comes from being held in the water stirring in me again.
3. Family - today I'm very thankful for my family.  I wrote this morning's first post mid-meltdown, and by about an hour later, I was feeling a little better.  My dad had called me, we'd talked logically through some of the challenges presented by my forthcoming move and lack of a vehicle, and my financial situation, and we'd decided that I need to buy a car.  That living with my grandma still makes all of the financial sense it did before the accident, but that because of the way our city is laid out, and the location where I'll be living, a car is pretty much a necessity.  My parents have also offered to loan me the money necessary to get a vehicle, thus helping me avoid further interest charges and debt.   
4. My mom also helped me out today.  She picked me up from the swimming pool (I'd taken the bus from my apartment to get there) and took me to do some errands, including a stop at the bank, for groceries, and at the library to pick up some books I'd requested before my car's life was tragically ended.  It was so great to do each of those things, since all of them are in locations that are quite difficult to access by transit.
5. New audio book from the library, since I'm apparently going to be spending time on transit for a bit until I can find a car to buy
6. I'm choosing to be thankful that I do have a place to move to, that will help me financially, even if it isn't my ideal situation.
7. A long online conversation with a dear friend.
8. A few friends who checked in on me in various ways after discovering I was feeling quite discouraged today.
9. Knowing that I am being held in the prayers of many this week - can't quite explain how much I appreciate that.
10. A new friend leaving me a note this morning to simply say that I'd been missed at the house church gathering I was unable to attend last night.

Daily 5 - Day 169

Today's Daily 5:

1. Thankful that we'd cooked the last few days, and for various reasons I hadn't eaten the lunches I'd packed.  It means that I got through today without having to cook - something I definitely didn't have the energy to do.
2. Reading coverage about medical supplies and shortages in Haiti, and the extreme conditions continues to leave me thankful that I live in a country where medical care is easily accessible.  It also leaves me thankful all over again that I was not seriously hurt, and that, even though I've been in quite a bit of pain today, it's been mostly manageable with over the counter painkillers.
3. Have I mentioned yet that I'm thankful for the doctor who told me I could stay in bed for a couple of days?  Because I didn't even feel like moving until about 11 this morning, and then I was only up for a couple hours before I crashed all over again.
4. Thankful for my community of online facebook/blog friends.  Some of you have sent notes or left comments on the blog or my facebook wall, and you really have no idea how timely and encouraging those have been today.
5. Thankful that I will be able to get out of the house for at least a little while tomorrow.  Feeling like I could use the break, and will be glad to go for a short swim, or even just hang out at mom and dad's for a bit.

A Bit Discouraged

I'm feeling a little bit discouraged tonight, as the reality that I will likely be moving in a month, and won't have a vehicle begin to hit home.

I haven't really cried since the accident - I was too busy holding it together, convincing myself that I was okay, making necessary phone calls, handling details.

Tonight I've cried, and am crying.

I'm sure it's some combination of exhaustion, left-over adrenaline, pain (yesterday it wasn't too bad, and I only took painkillers a couple of times, today I've been clock-watching, waiting for the four hours to be up so that I can take the next dose), and shock, but I also feel a bit of discouragement and loss of freedom.

The reality is that there are not many apartments in a price range I can afford, and even fewer of those are in a location that won't have me spending 3-4 hours a day commuting via public transit.  I don't really want to take on more debt to buy a car right now, and my savings certainly won't pay for a vehicle.

Tomorrow, I'm sure things will somehow look more hopeful, and an hour from now, I'll show up here and make a list of things that I'm thankful for from today, or things that made me smile, but just in this moment, I'm feeling discouraged, and if the tears will flow, I'm going to let them.

Resting

I woke for the first time at 4 am, feeling pretty good.  By the time I woke again at 7 or so, the painkillers had worn off and all I could think was that I could have kissed the doctor who said I could stay in bed today.

I'm still thinking that.  The painkillers are doing a pretty good job, thankfully, but I'm exhausted, so I spent most of the morning sleeping.

I've been up for a little while now, done a few things that needed to be done, and now I'm thinking it's time for another nap.

So thankful for the doctor who told me to rest.  So thankful for a job where it is possible for me to spend a couple of days in bed without repurcussions. 

And with that, I'll be back later.  I'm off to take another nap.

Daily 5 - Day 168

Today's Daily 5:

1. Work being flexible about me only staying half a day
2. Thankful for my parents who got me to and from a clinic
3. Thankful for confirmation from the doctor that I'm in okay shape, just shaken up and sore
4. Really relieved at the news that I can spend the next couple of days in bed, resting
5. Simple foods for various meals
6. Lots of care from the people I work with
7. Little messages of encouragement from around the facebook and internet world
8. A new book arrived in the mail, just in time for a couple of days spent on my back
9. Thankful for my penchant for large scarves - meant I had something to turn into a sling when I needed one today.
10. A doctor who was brusque but kind and really did make sure I was okay before sending me home.
    

Accident Stories and Laying Low

I wore a sling at work today.  That drew quite a lot of attention to the fact that I'd had an accident yesterday, meaning I told the story of what had happened over and over and over.  I now officially don't ever want to tell it again.

I've discovered, too, that when you are hurting from a car accident, everyone on the planet suddenly has advice for you, or a horror story about some injury or other that got missed because the person "thought they were ok".  This was rather disconcerting.  I spoke briefly with EMS at the accident scene yesterday, and saw my mom (who is a natural health practioner) and was feeling pretty good about the decision to not see a doctor.  I was quite confident that I was ok.

Until I heard all the stories.   And the many incredulous, "you didn't see a doctor's??"

I came home at noon, slept for a couple of hours on an ice pack, and then phoned my mom to discuss the situation, feeling rattled and generally exhausted.  We agreed that if for nothing more than my peace of mind, it would probably be a good idea for me to get checked out, and then spent the next 20 minutes calling each other back and forth while we tried to locate a walk-in clinic where I wouldn't have to wait for hours. (My family doctor now does mostly maternity care, and is notoriously hard to get hold of, and get an appointment with, so we decided that rather than wait until almost a week post accident - Monday being likely the earliest I could get in - I'd just go to a clinic, giving me peace of mind much sooner.)

She picked me up around supper time, dropped me at the clinic, and a few hours later, when I was finished, I called home and my dad picked me up from the clinic and drove me home.

The doctor informs me that nothing is broken, that I will hurt for 5-6 days or more, that I likely don't have a concussion, but that those can take up to 6 weeks to appear, so just keep an eye on things and get myself to a hospital if I start having weird symptoms.  He wrote me a presciption for painkillers if I need them, and a referral for physio if I need that, and informed me that if I was smart, I'd stay home from work for the rest of the week (he gave me a note for that as well) and just lay low.  His exact instructions for tomorrow were to "sleep all day."

If you had told me last night that I needed to stay home for the rest of the week, I'd have laughed at you, and told you that I was just a bit sore, and would tough it out.  After the half day today, I was more than a little relieved to hear that I had medical permission to just lay low, not move too much, and take care of myself for a few days.

So, that's the plan.  Sleep, ice, maybe a little swimming in a couple of days (the doc recommended swimming a bit if I'm feeling up to it, just to gently move the sore muscles).  A treatment from my natural health guy on Saturday, and then I'll head back to work on Monday.  At this point, that plan is such a relief, and I'm also feeling much better knowing I'm not needing (thanks to all the "horror" stories I heard) to obsess about random undetected serious injuries.  It's like I thought - I'm sore and will be for a while, but nothing is broken, and I'll recover.  And for those blessings, I'm thankful.

The Day After

I woke up this morning feeling pretty good.  Not too sore after a night of relatively decent sleep and relaxed, unused muscles.

Then I started moving around.

I made it into work, but I think I'm only going to stay for half a day.  After that, the plan is to head home and hang out with an ice pack again.

My left shoulder, which caught the brunt of my fall a few weeks back, caught the brunt of my seatbelt and the impact yesterday.  It hurts badly.  However, I've improvised a sling (a new useage for my favorite white scarf!) and that is making it somewhat doable.

Bad Start

So, I talked myself into getting out of bed this morning.  I wasn't feeling great, but definitely not bad enough to stay at home.  I'm wishing I'd stayed at home.

I never made it to work.  I was one exit from my stop when I got into a pretty bad car accident.  George (who used to look like this) now looks like this:

The airbag deployed and hit me in the face, so my nose and lip are pretty sore, and all of the aching muscles that had just sort of nicely returned to normal after my fall down the stairs a couple of weeks ago are now in much worse pain, but I'm okay and really grateful to be that way.

I'm also vehicleless, which will bring some unique challenges into my life for a while, but I'll figure those out as they crop up.

And, I've got to say that if you're going to start the morning by destroying your car and slamming into someone's rear end, it's nice if that person is really nice about it.  The guy I hit was really nice to me, and while we waited the hour or so for the cops to show up, we sat in his warm truck, (which I was thankful for, since my car had no power - the firefighters disconnected the battery after making sure that the flames - oh yes, it was on fire, did I mention that? - were out.)

So, not the best start to the day, and if I'd taken that sick day I considered this morning, I probably wouldn't have spent it talking to policemen and mechanics and insurance adjusters, but hey - they were all very nice to me.  And my dad, who I shocked into awakeness with an early morning phone call met me at the mechanic's after I'd been towed (Oh - another blessing - because of my old car, I have AMA and pay for the membership with towing - so no tow bill!)  Dad took me back to their place where mom was waiting with a hug, and a brief treatment to help with some of the muscle trauma, and food and prayers.  I made all my calls from their house, and dozed on their couch for a bit watching the Food Network (fun, since I love to cook and don't have cable at my house), and then they brought me home.

So, in general I'm thankful, if a little shaken up still.  It could have been so much worse, and it wasn't.

Now that I'm home, I'm comfortably in sweat pants, wrapped in a blanket, and planning to spend the rest of the day moving fairly little, and in the company of an ice pack.  My left shoulder in particular (took the brunt of my fall a few weeks ago, and the brunt of the seatbelt etc. today) is quite sore, and I don't think I'll be doing yoga again anytime soon!