Fear, and Moving Slow

I'm working to re-establish the rhythm of life that was so successfully holding me in a place of peace and reduced stress and close, listening relationship with Christ.

I'm battling sudden attacks of fear. Terror really. All kinds of out of control thought patterns that spiral into things completely irrational. I've battled against fear in various forms of attack since I was a tiny child. The first scripture verse I remember my parents teaching me goes, "When I am afraid, I will put my trust in you." I still cling to that one in moments when the fear comes fast and harsh.

I feel the need to take life very slowly these days, to not fill my calendar, to create a great deal of space for simply doing nothing. For pausing and listening. For time with those few people who are life-giving rather than draining.

I'm reading the Psalms these days - have been for almost a month now. One or two a night - just before I go to sleep. I'm finding I relate strongly to the deeply emotional cries of the Psalmists - particularly David.

My roommate has gone to bed, and I'm sitting alone in the living room, watching tv on dvd and typing this post. It's quiet, except for the noise from the dvd, and the movements of the neighbors upstairs, and I almost feel as if I could begin to like it here.

Tomorrow is Friday - casual day at work. It makes me happy to think of wearing jeans to the office! My roommate and I are going to my parents house for dinner, and to spend the evening. I'm looking forward to hanging out with my family for the evening.

And with that, I'm going back to devoting more attention to the dvd, and then, eventually to take a quick shower and head for bed.