Daily 5 - Day 78

Today's Daily 5:

1. Some thoughts coming together to form words
2. farmer sausage and roasted baby potatoes for supper
3. Fun dialogue over photos from my trip
4. eating a ripe mango as a snack
5. listening to Rob Bell preach (via my ipod) on "Blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness"
   

Great Interview with Rob Bell

I'll admit that I am a huge fan of Rob Bell. Not so much the Nooma videos, but his longer dvds, and I listen to the sermons from his church, Mars Hill Bible Church in Grand Rapids, Michigan on a pretty much weekly basis. I've also loved the two of his books that I've read, and am planning to spend time with another of his books very soon.

With that bias in mind, here's an interview that Youthworker Journal did with Rob Bell that I quite enjoyed.

Musing, Waiting, Planning

I'm waiting for a phone call. News from my parents. I'll write about that later, probably, once I've heard.

I'm waiting for my roommate to get back from a run. She's running, and then she'll shower, and then we're going to the farmer's market.

I need to run to the AMA and pick up cheap movie tickets (I'm keeping my options for the weekend open.)

I'm probably going to attend a noon matinee of "The Complete Works of William Shakespeare, Abridged", put on by the Shakespeare in the Park Crew. Since I'll be downtown, near Eau Claire Market, I'll also probably stop at the Tibetan shop that I've often purchased favorite items from. (In fact, today I'm wearing the "twirling skirt" that I purchased there last summer.)

I'm sitting by the living room window, and there's a cool breeze blowing in. I'm grateful that the weather isn't predicted to be burningly hot today. Low to mid twenties. Perfect as far as I'm concerned.

I'm wearing scarves more regularly again, after a long hiatus. That speaks to deep shifts going on in my heart. I have this memory of being overseas, and someone speaking to me (though I don't remember what he said) of my scarves speaking about me, about my character. I haven't wanted to remember that. My scarves have so often been about prayer. About reminders of people and places and moments that have deeply impacted my heart. About intercession and living in the spaces that are so impossibly deep that at times it became impossible to understand the places where joy and sorrow mingled. I'm wearing scarves and color and light and joy more often. And that speaks to the deep changes going on within me.

Tonight I'll go to church, and then I'll come home. The house will be quiet - my roommate has plans. I'll come home and I'll probably put in "The God's Aren't Angry" - a teaching dvd Rob Bell did. I've watched it a couple of times this week. It's speaking to some of the things God is doing in my heart. Things I'm still holding close, mostly. So tonight, tonight I'll probably come home from church and let God speak to me through Rob Bell, and I'll probably sip a glass of wine while that happens.

Thoughts Scattered (At Rest)

Update:

A dear friend let me know that the image I've included with this post is not of the baptism of Jesus as identified below, but is actually of the resurrection. I'd wondered a bit when I posted it, as I'd seen a similar icon that I knew was not the baptism, but decided to go with the information provided with the image. In any case, I am still thinking a lot about baptism, and the image is deeply striking to me as well, for a wide variety of reasons.

~~~

Image via Wikipedia

I have just passed one of the more delightful half-hours or so that I've spent in a while. I spent it sprawled on my bed, reading more of a book by Anne Lamott. I always seem to return to Lamott just in the moments when I most need to be reminded that people who don't have it all together can follow Jesus too. Earthy, fun loving people. Slightly neurotic people with all sorts of varying thoughts and opinions, joined by a love of Jesus and a belief that he deeply loves us.

I'm feeling fairly peaceful. A nice change given some of the many things that continue to swirl around me.

It's dusk outside the living room window near where I'm sitting now, and a streetlight is glowing orange.

And even at rest, even in the moments of peace, my thoughts are scattered.

I'm pondering bits and pieces of Lamott's writing - savoring the simple beauty she brings to ordinary life.

I'm thinking a lot about church. And about the fact that I need to at the very least journal, and possibly blog some of those thoughts in the coming days.

I'm letting my heart wind it's way around some thoughts from two separate sermons by Rob Bell that I've listened to recently. Thoughts that in their own way seem to be answering questions I'd only barely voiced.

I'm have an add on to blogger that suggests images based on the words in my posts. The image above came up for some reason tonight. An icon depicting the baptism of Jesus. I've thought a lot about baptism this last year, and encountered some of those thoughts again in passing yesterday.

And I'm thinking about mental illness, and a comment a friend made. About stigma and how it seems to go hand in hand with mental illness. I'm thinking about the fact that I've spoken strongly against this stigma, but also that I fall prey to it. That there is a pattern in myself of being unwilling to acknowledge the areas where I am unwell. A pattern of being unwilling in some ways to admit the struggles, even to myself. I would imagine that these thoughts, too, are ones that will be revisited.

And I'm still letting the words from the weekend, the thoughts about the state of my heart, about chopping versus pointing with the sword of truth wend their way through my life. I am noticing and seeking to be consciously aware of the places where my heart response is anger or hatred. Where I want to chop. I am finding them in the oddest of places and seeking to release even just those little bits of resentment in search of deeper freedom.

And now, now I'm going back to my book, and then to bed. It's a bit cooler tonight, and that will likely help with the sleeping situation.

Sunday evening

It was a full, but decent day.

I needed nature, color, creativity, and light. All done at a slow pace.

I accomplished all of those things with a trip to a beautiful waterfall on the edge of the mountains, followed by (mostly) window shopping my way through Kensington. Colorful items. Beautiful and creative things. And a bookstore, because it couldn't truly be a good day without a bookstore stop.

Then home, a bit of organizing, a trip to mom and dad's to pick up a tool, assembling a bookshelf, running out the door to church.

I have some thoughts on church coming soon I think. I've been having a lot of thoughts on that subject lately.

I re-listened to a sermon Rob Bell preached a while back as I drove today. It spoke to some things that have been close to the surface of my heart this last while. I think I'll be listening to it over and over again this week as I drive to and from work, and as I pray through these things. More thoughts on that are likely coming at some point too.

My vitamin schedule was wonky yesterday. It helped to have that back in the approximately normal times today. I'm still shocked by how much difference the many pills I'm taking these days make in my ability to cope with life. It's almost scary to me. And yet, it helps, so, other than griping about the fact that I'm swallowing approximately 17 pills a day, I'm going to stick to it for now.

I need to go to bed now I think. Well, to be fair, I need to do a bit of cleaning first. Time to tidy my space just a little to re-create peace. And then, maybe reading. I have a book to finish, and a new one I picked up today that I'm excited to read.

ufff....

This has been one of those days.

I had problems all day with Air Canada, working to change a flight. Finally accomplished it half-way through the Bible study I was leading tonight. Air Canada is not on my list of customer service winners tonight. I'm still waiting to hear from Air Malta on another flight I'm working on changing.

I'm exhausted. I've only eaten about one meal a day for the last week. It's all my stomach has tolerated.

I have a headache, a stiff neck and back, and a desperate need for a full night of sleep. My usual Thursday night television routine is a re-run tonight. I think I'm going to crawl into bed early with a good book, and hopefully sleep for quite a while.

I lived with less than 100 percent as I led a Bible study tonight. It was okay. It would have been better if I hadn't been so personally challenged by the chapters of Velvet Elvis we were studying that I never wrote coherent discussion questions. But hey, we had a good discussion anyway, and I'll have to go back through the chapters again, since they were speaking much to my heart.

ufff... a good statement of feeling for tonight. See you tomorrow.

Reflecting on where I'm at...

I would like to be able to approach everything in life at 100%.

The reality right now is that I can't.

Today, for the first time in a couple of weeks, I'm feeling a bit like my energy is coming back.

I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel in terms of work stress.

I'm wishing I could approach every ministry commitment, every coffee date with a friend, every family commitment, every prayer I pray with 100% energy and strength, but I'm learning to be okay when I can't.

I talked a few days ago here about the fact that my soul feels quiet right now - and that that unsettles me, but seems to be a good thing.

I go home at night right now and collapse on the couch for the evening, too tired to attack the dozens of things around my house that need doing.

My bedroom, normally my place of rest and refuge, a place I generally keep tidy and peaceful, looks like a warzone, the debris of clothing and paperwork and weekend trips from the last few weeks strewn everywhere. It bothers me, but I haven't had the energy to fix it.

I haven't been eating much lately either. My stomach doesn't handle stress and exhaustion well. I've been managing to keep down maybe one full meal a day, and a few snacks here and there. Today I'm trying to only eat when I'm really hungry, and see if I can con my stomach into accepting a bit more food.

I've been collapsing into bed at night - falling asleep in the middle of pages of my novel or whatever I happen to be reading.

Last night, as I flipped open my bible to do my nightly reading before sleep, I felt Jesus prompting me to read something more challenging for a change. I've been reading the Psalms for months now. It's all I've felt up to reading - and the Lord has been speaking deeply to my heart as I read them. But last night I felt the prompting to move my reading outside of the Psalms and begin to challenge myself a little more deeply again. So I started reading the book of Daniel. And I think I'll probably go back to reading some of the Gospels again - saturating myself in the words and actions of Jesus.

I'm sharing unexpectedly about my trip to Malta in a staff meeting this afternoon. I work for a Christian company, and circulated my prayer letter to our staff by email, but this morning my boss asked me if I would talk a little about the trip in our meeting. This isn't that unusual for our company, but was unexpected today. I'm asking Jesus for just the right words to communicate my excitement and my heart for the trip.

The quietness of my soul is beginning to permeate my life. Today, for the first time in a week, my body doesn't completely ache with stiff muscles. I slept better (and longer) last night than I have in a while. I'm carrying deep in my heart prayers for friends who are struggling. I'm feeling slightly restored today - like I can face the remainder of the week, and the ones that come after it. Like I can face the holidays, and the time demands of preparing to leave for Malta just after the new year.

I'm taking the bus home tonight. I'm going to read the chapters of Velvet Elvis that I'm teaching a Bible study on tomorrow night. I'm going to cook myself dinner tonight - fresh baby potatoes and asparagus. Maybe salad and some chicken or pork. I'm going to treat myself to an evening in front of the television, but I'm going to multi-task and do laundry and catch up on some administrative stuff like my budget at the same time. And I may invite a friend over to watch television with me. I'm going to take a long shower, and style my hair so that I can wear it down tomorrow morning. I may even start cleaning my bedroom.

I'm feeling quiet, but I feel my strength coming back in a way it hasn't been for a few months. My heart is at rest within me for the moment, and I feel a sense of peace. I'm feeling like this is a crazy, stretching, but really good space to be occupying.

Tired...

Have you ever had those times when you're so chronically behind on sleep that even when you've had a decent night's rest, you still feel fuzzy and completely exhausted? I'm there right now, though I've only had about 2 proper nights of sleep in the past couple of weeks.

Work remains crazy. I told someone this morning, "I'm really good at multi-tasking, but right now, if anyone asks me for one more thing, my brain may implode." I am a methodical, linear thinker by nature. I like to do one thing, from start to finish, or at least to a good stopping point, before I start the next thing. This is an impossibility at the moment, and it's taxing my limited mental reserves.

I'm wondering where I'm going to find the energy to read and write a Bible study about chapters 5 and 6 of Velvet Elvis before Thursday night when I have to lead a Bible study about said chapters. I tried to read a novel that I've read several times previously just for a few minutes last night, and fully fell asleep making the attempt. Not sure how I'm going to manage to stay awake and think coherently enought to create discussion questions around 2 full chapters of a book.

The stress and exhaustion are affecting my appetite again. I'm subsisting on mandarin oranges and crackers, and even those aren't sitting all that well. I'm also eating chocolate, because it's appealing, my body doesn't seem to be rejecting it, and it gives me the little sugar rushes I've been needing. (I know - SO not healthy, but I'm working on it!) I'm drinking water by the gallon as well.

I need a nap - or to stay home from work for a day and do nothing but sleep. I can't do either. I don't have time.

One month from today I'll be on a plane to Malta - how crazy is that?

Until later!

Liked this article...

It's been a while since I linked to any stories from my daily morning perusal of the news, but I came across this article on Rob Bell on the TIME magazine site this morning, and found it interesting, and thought I'd link to it for the rest of you!

The Hipper-Than-Thou Pastor

Catching Up

Okay, where to start? It’s been a while since I did an actual update here instead of directing you to things worth reading, or sharing stuff others had written… My head is feeling clogged, full-to-bursting and I need to write some of it down. (I blog because it’s therapeutic for me… helps me to process and release stuff if I simply write it somewhere, add it to the general consciousness instead of bearing the weight in my head, alone.)

Last night before I went to sleep, I did a writing exercise that Rob Bell describes in the footnotes of his new book “Sex God”. I’ve also heard Rob preach about this exercise. (For those who are wondering, I haven’t read “Sex God” yet, though some of my youth did read it about a week ago, and recommended it. I was flipping through the footnotes looking for a reference to something else, and came across the exercise that I’d heard Rob preach, and was delighted to find it in a more organized format.) To be honest, I did the exercise in the hopes that by unloading some of the stuff I was thinking about, I’d be able to sleep a bit better. It helped a little. Not a lot. If you’re ever awake at 3:30 a.m. and wondering if you’re the only one in the world, take comfort. I’m usually awake at that time for a while.

Megs and I took advantage of the fact that the weather is finally catching on to the fact that spring has arrived, and, after a quick errand at the Asian market to buy supplies for a Thai meal that I’m cooking with a friend, for some other friends this weekend (speaking of the Asian market, we’re also looking for an East Indian market – does anyone know of something like this in Calgary?), we headed to Peter’s for hamburgers and fries. (For those of you who don’t know Calgary, Peter’s is legendary – drive in or walk up only, and great ginormous portions of food.) We quite thoroughly enjoyed sitting outside as we ate.

After dinner, we headed out to see a movie… “In the Land of Women”. Not hugely profound, but funny, and at times deep. We mutually agreed that it was a worth the money.

I’m headed out of town for a day and a half this weekend, taking one of my youth girls with me, to visit some other friends. I’m looking forward to the time, but also feeling some tension because of some stuff in my youth girls’ life lately, stuff that we probably need to talk about. I’m having a hard time figuring out the balance between friend, and advisor/leader in this particular relationship, and figuring out when to say the hard stuff and trust that there is relationship there that will support what may need to be said.

I’m thinking about an upcoming youth retreat that we’re holding, part-way through May. I think I’d maybe like to do some of the teaching, depending on what topic we decide to focus on, but the idea makes me nervous, particularly since the youth pastor I’m working with is long accomplished at teaching, and my own style would be very different from his. It’s been a long time since I did any extended teaching on my own. I’ve taught Sunday school several times for this same group of youth in the last while, and sometimes it seems to go well, sometimes it doesn’t. I’m struggling with the fact that I see life and relationship with God quite differently in a lot of ways from the church that I am involved with, and while I want to introduce our youth to a deeper relationship with God, through the work of the Spirit, I still feel tentative at best in figuring that out in my own life, and am not at all sure how to begin to communicate some of these things to the teenagers that I am involved with. Pray for us the next week or two as we meet to hash out a theme for the weekend, and as I listen for the spirit and seek to discern whether this is my time to open up and teach and share my journey with these young people.

I’m still waiting to figure out what comes next in my life. My tax return should be coming through in the next few weeks. It’ll get stuck quite nicely in a bank account, and hopefully in late June or early July I’ll be buying a car. That feels like a step in the right direction, towards independence. I’ve committed (at least to myself) to stay at my current job at least until I’ve been there a year. That happens September 12th. I have concert tickets for September 18th, so I’ll at least be in Calgary until then. From there, who knows? I’d like to either do an internship somewhere, or maybe travel for a couple of months over the course of the next year – maybe go see Megs once she settles back into Pakistan, maybe some time in Europe, who knows?

Oh, and I added another book to my reading list. I finished Anne Lamott’s new book over the weekend. I have to say that I was somewhat disappointed in this one. Though the title alludes to the book being “thoughts on faith,” I found this to be her most political, least “spiritual” book so far, and felt after a while like I was being preached at, and it began to grate on me. I still enjoyed her thoughts, she still made me laugh, and even made me think, but this time it was, as I say, more grating. More of a “you need to see the world my way, or you’re wrong” sort of attitude.

Okay, with all of that off my chest, I’m going back to doing other things. Work remains slow, giving me the time necessary to write a long post like this…