Reminding myself to breathe

I'm very tired this morning, and very close to tears again.

Any of you who've read my blog for long will know that I struggle with fear. The fears (mostly irrational) are strong this morning, and I am pushing panic back as much as I can.

I didn't sleep well last night. Not unusual really, just odd. A conglomeration of dreams, and over-processing conversations, and my pre-exisiting general inability to sleep well.

I'm nervous about a doctor's appointment this afternoon. I actually don't mind going to the doctor as a general rule, when it's just getting poked and prodded and declared healthy for one more year. But seeing my doctor (basically a stranger) to discuss a number of very challenging physical and emotional issues that feel immensely personal in nature is not something I'm looking forward to. (Though I am hoping that we can come up with a plan for me to be well again.) It's not helping my panic levels at the moment that my doctor's practice is actually composed of four doctors who share the practice, and I have no idea who I'm going to see this afternoon.

And, I'm feeling pretty exposed. I shared some the post I wrote last night about being judgmental in a larger, more public forum as well, and I don't like the feeling that comes with having my heart and thoughts on display where certain people can read them.

So, I'm going to get through this morning. And then I'll deal with the doctors appointment.

And I'm going to be grateful that tonight is a night just for me. That my roommate is out. That I can have the house to myself for a while. I'll light candles, and paint my nails. I'm going to treat myself to some sort of take out or nicely home cooked meal (can't figure out yet what I want to eat). And then I'm going to rest. Or at least that's the plan.

I'm not going to think about tomorrow being halloween, and how all of the places I'd normally go to rest and recharge on the weekend will be filled with people "celebrating". I'm not going to think about any of those things. I'm going to get through the morning at work, and then the doctor, and then I'm going to rest.

I'm reminding myself to breathe this morning. And praying it helps.