Friday, October 30, 2009

I'm Going to Be Her Again

I've written about twirling before. Here and here.

It holds a certain promise of freedom for me. These days I twirl occasionally... it's actually begun to happen, but it rarely happens unembarrassed and unencumbered, and in any sort of location where it can be witnessed.

The photo above is sort of an exception. In a public park, with two friends watching, I spun, because I was joyful and peaceful and free, and it just bubbled out of me.

A lot has happened in the two weeks or so since that photo was taken. A lot of hard internal stuff, and I've stared at that picture a lot, treasuring the memory, and wishing I was still in that space.

Today didn't go as planned. I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do about a number of things. I'm disappointed in some ways, and hurting.

But just now I decided that whatever it takes, I'm going to be that girl in the picture again. I'm going to inhabit her skin permanently. I'm going to live unencumbered.

I have a sneaking suspicion it won't be an easy or pleasant process. I'm guessing it's probably going to be pretty ugly and painful and hard. And I'm pretty terrified of that quite frankly.

But I like her. And I don't often say that about anything to do with myself. So I'll do whatever it takes to live in her skin, in MY skin, permanently.


Susan said...

You're still her. Regardless. She is you. And surviving all that internal turmoil... it will add to the freedom.
Thanks for stopping by my blog. Just in the little bit I've already read of yours, I see so many similiarities. My nose is pierced too, by the way. And I wear gypsy scarves and am a free-spirit. Nice to "meet" you!

Lisa said...

Thanks for coming here and commenting... always fun to make new connections in the bloggy world :)
especially connections that have nose rings and wear gypsy scarves - not too many of us, I think we'd better band together!

nice to meet you too!

Just Be Real said...

Lisa, potent post! That girl in the picture is too what I strive for and that is FREEDOM too!

Blessings dear one!

Lisa said...

thanks for the comment... the fun part I guess, though life is kinda hard at the moment, is that the girl in the photo is me - I've been her and I am somehow going to be her again ;)