I'm Going to Be Her Again

I've written about twirling before. Here and here.

It holds a certain promise of freedom for me. These days I twirl occasionally... it's actually begun to happen, but it rarely happens unembarrassed and unencumbered, and in any sort of location where it can be witnessed.

The photo above is sort of an exception. In a public park, with two friends watching, I spun, because I was joyful and peaceful and free, and it just bubbled out of me.

A lot has happened in the two weeks or so since that photo was taken. A lot of hard internal stuff, and I've stared at that picture a lot, treasuring the memory, and wishing I was still in that space.

Today didn't go as planned. I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do about a number of things. I'm disappointed in some ways, and hurting.

But just now I decided that whatever it takes, I'm going to be that girl in the picture again. I'm going to inhabit her skin permanently. I'm going to live unencumbered.

I have a sneaking suspicion it won't be an easy or pleasant process. I'm guessing it's probably going to be pretty ugly and painful and hard. And I'm pretty terrified of that quite frankly.

But I like her. And I don't often say that about anything to do with myself. So I'll do whatever it takes to live in her skin, in MY skin, permanently.